Am I too soft or harsh ?

[Pemopop]

My 9 year old constantly argues with me and when I attempt to nip it in the bud she puts on the waterworks and tries to make me feel guilty and I end up thinking I’m in the wrong. It’s got to the point where I don’t know whether I’m being too soft or too harsh.

Example
Her phone charger has broke, she asked me to charge my phone at 8 so that she could charge hers overnight (she uses it for her alarm). I forgot to, so then she comes in my room at bedtime asking for it. I say that I forgot and mine needs charging but I’ll charge hers after mine and leave it outside her room in morning, she then starts arguing saying “you said you will charge it! That’s not fair! I want it now! You don’t even need to charge your phone” etc etc so I explain again that I’ll charge it and she just repeats it over and over and then calls me mean and starts to cry then my 2 yr old daughter wakes up crying from the noise!

I feel like I have no control with her at all. Her dad is very strict so I think I compensate for that.

I think at the very least you need to keep her phone overnight. Get her an alarm clock.

My husband is inclined to be more strict than me with our 10 year old, but he knows that and when we let him get away with it he uses it to guilt me into getting what he wants, very skilfully. It sounds like this is what’s happening with you. You need to present more of a united front with her dad so she knows she will get the same response from both of you on everything. Tantrums shouldn’t be happening at this age. Definitely get her an alarm clock, you need to set very firm boundaries about the phone now or it will be a total nightmare once she’s a bit older.

Hear her but be the adult. Apologise for not doing what you said but stick to your suggestion.

Her routine is what is making her feel that she has things under control. Just let her see that things are still under control but slightly different, but you are WITH her. She needs consistency from you right now, maybe you are not delivering that, so her routines do instead.

The conversation you had sounds like her behaviour is demanding and entitled and you’re far too accommodating. I think you should discuss her with your husband and agree a joint approach, otherwise your just training her to be whiney and manipulative with you.

Madness to give a 9 year old a phone. Just causes demands and entitledness which you are now experiencing. Mine only get them when 15 unless they are going somewhere and then can borrow one to text for lift home.

@thepeopleversuswork

Why does she need a phone? Can't you get her an alarm clock?

Exactly My 9 yr old hands it over until the following evening- if it is school and work day. If anyone else notices the moods a mobile phone can cause that is why. Or the addictive side, lack of anything being done. No child argues or makes a parent second guess themselves as well as a 9yr old with a mobile phone! Use the phone to reel in attitude and your the parent

@whatsthepointinwasps

Kids are very quick to cotton on to ways to manipulate parents, tears, you’re horrible, you don’t love me as much as ...... blah blah blah. All classic ways to get what they want . When she says stuff like that you could try saying ‘I’m sorry you feel like that. I do love you but loving you isn’t the same as giving you exactly what you want exactly when you want it.’ You can acknowledge that she’s upset but still make it clear that poor behaviour is not going to achieve anything other than removal of privileges. You are not being harsh or unkind, you are teaching her respect for others and emotional regulation- that’s your job as a parent.

This.

But also not great go have phone in bedroom because of staying up watching crap and texting. Can you get her a cheap alarm and insist the phone stays downstairs

@Pemopop

Tbh I wish I never let her have a phone, it was one of those “all my friends have one” kinda things but all it does is cause issues.

She constantly puts the tears on, saying how I’m horrible and that I love my youngest more, again trying to manipulate me. Yet with her dad she wouldn’t dare try

Too soft. Way too soft!

Falling for the 'all my friends ...' line - really?

And you're aware that the tears / name-calling / you-don't-love-me are nothing but manipulation.

"I think since me and her dad split I have given her more free reign and let things slide as it’s being easier whilst working full time as a single parent with a 9 and 2 year old."
It's not making things easier though, is it? It's making things harder. Much harder. Much harder than it needs to be. And I'd wonder if that's your real reason. You wouldn't be the first to overcompensate for splitting up by treating your children as fragile.

So, toughen up.

The scenario with the phone - I'd have confiscated the phone as punishment for the backchat. I'd be sending her to her room every time she turned on the tears or tried any other tactic to manipulate me, and I'd be making it clear that that was why she was being sent to her room. Consequences to her actions, consistently applied.