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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Will I ever escape this woman and DH's EA?

47 replies

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 19:41

A couple of years ago things reached an ultimate low with DH where he barely spoke to me for an entire year and was talking about leaving. Whilst he was making things unbearable for me at home, had made a new friend through taking our DD to nursery. He became very invested, liking fb posts, joining groups that he knew this woman was in, etc. It was quite frankly awful and I'm in no doubt whatsoever that this would be classed as an emotional affair. At the time I was oblivious as I was so tired up with keeping my family together.

The following year things started to get better but now DH wanted me to make friends with this person. Wanted me to start inviting them out with us and subsequently they asked me for a lot of childcare help.

After I had gone to all this effort to be kind, regardless of how i felt about the situation, by September this person went back to acting like I didn't exist and I told DH that I didn't want anything more to do with her as she had used me.

Since then, everything is the best it's been in years with DH. He never mentioned her again. We no longer talk about her and she no longer consumes our lives and arguments. Things are fantastic. I knew there wasnt something quite right with her and could have said 'I told you so' to DH but I didn't.

Until today, she popped up asking for another favour and I could feel myself fill with dread. I couldn't bear the thought of opening that can of worms again.

Will I ever be able to get over this? I still have to see her all the time. DH seems to have just forgotten about the whole thing and moved on but I can't....

OP posts:
FelicityFeathery · 07/01/2021 19:44

I honestly want to say to you ' please - stop being so silly.'

What are you doing woman? Honestly this man is taking the piss out of you and has been doing so for what sounds like a long time. Where is your boundary for this type of behaviour? Would you want your DD to accept this behaviour from a man?

My advice would be to tell him to move out (and if this really isn't possible right now, then to the spare room or sofa or whatever) and start divorce proceedings.

Otherwise this will be your life going forward

pickingdaisies · 07/01/2021 19:46

OP, if you don't want to do her any more favours, just say, sorry no, I can't do that for you, too busy, or too stressed, or too much to juggle, whatever. Smile and say no. Walk away. Repeat as necessary.

AnyFucker · 07/01/2021 19:47

I knew there wasnt something quite right with her

Oh dear

TrashCanBird · 07/01/2021 19:47

Have you posted about this before? This sounds familiar.

pickingdaisies · 07/01/2021 19:47

Also why do you still have to see her all the time? I don't get it.

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 19:47

@pickingdaisies I did say no but it's just this feeling of dread that she's always lurking around the corner, on every group I'm on, i just can't escape her and the bad memories attached to her.

OP posts:
Anotherlovelybitofsquirrel · 07/01/2021 19:48

Tell her to fuck off! Seriously OP.

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 19:49

@pickingdaisies because she lives locally and our DC are at the same nursery and will eventually go to the same school.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 07/01/2021 19:51

Seriously why are you friends with his bit on the side? Doing her favours? While she what? Flirts with your husband? While he gets off on having you watch her children and be nice to her?

Raise the bar from out the ground

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 19:52

To be honest, it was to prove to my husband that I wanted to move forward and because he wouldn't accept no for an answer.

OP posts:
FelicityFeathery · 07/01/2021 19:53

You've got bigger issues than this woman.

PicsInRed · 07/01/2021 19:53

He had an affair and I would be very surprised if it was just emotional.

The point at which they STOP talking about the OW is when it gets serious - physical.

I don't think it ever stopped and you need to decide how you want the rest of your life to look. Do you want to always be looking over your shoulder?

Rocococo · 07/01/2021 19:54

OP, I'm so sorry to read this. You are being treated very very very badly by two people OP.

I can see that your desire to save your relationship and keep your family together is strong. I'm sure I'd feel the same in your shoes.

Reading your post as an objective person, it reads horribly like your DH has decided to treat you well now as you can be of use to the person he really cares about.

PicsInRed · 07/01/2021 19:54

Flowers Flowers

PanamaPattie · 07/01/2021 19:56

She’s taunting you.

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 19:56

@Rocococo I thought that too at the time. It was all to serve his own purpose. However, since I've called her out for showing her true colours, our relationship has improved.

OP posts:
Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 20:12

Reading through the comments, I feel like an idiot. However, when you're caught up in the moment...everything feels so different.

OP posts:
Etinox · 07/01/2021 20:15

He didn’t talk to you for a year?! 🤯
Why on Earth are you with him?

Mcandypandy · 07/01/2021 20:16

@Etinox I loved him and was blindsided by his sudden behaviour. I sunk into almost a depression whilst keeping it all completely hidden from everyone we knew.

OP posts:
grapewine · 07/01/2021 20:21

@Mcandypandy

To be honest, it was to prove to my husband that I wanted to move forward and because he wouldn't accept no for an answer.
She isn't your problem, he is and his attitude. This is clearly not helping you move on. So stop. This is an unhealthy dynamic.
96chick · 07/01/2021 20:25

Oh my gosh this thread has just broken my heart. OP, you deserve so much better and to be happy. I hope you kick him out for good and find someone (if you want to of course) who will treat you with love and respect Flowers

Etinox · 07/01/2021 20:27

I’m so sorry- it’s a boiled frog situation isn’t it. Take care Flowers

1Morewineplease · 07/01/2021 20:27

You deserve so much more OP.
Kick him out then he can scuttle off to her's so that he can sort out her childcare issues.

Lucieintheskye · 07/01/2021 20:31

OP, get your things in order (finances, solicitor etc) and make a plan to leave.

Whether your husband and this woman were or are together in any capacity, they're both using you and your husband has no respect for you.

You deserve better, you deserve to not have to settle for someone.

Coffeebreakkk · 07/01/2021 20:34

Have you asked him outright what his relationship with this woman meant? You should and then if he so much as hesitates you know it was more than emotional.