Will I ever escape this woman and DH's EA?

[Mcandypandy]

A couple of years ago things reached an ultimate low with DH where he barely spoke to me for an entire year and was talking about leaving. Whilst he was making things unbearable for me at home, had made a new friend through taking our DD to nursery. He became very invested, liking fb posts, joining groups that he knew this woman was in, etc. It was quite frankly awful and I'm in no doubt whatsoever that this would be classed as an emotional affair. At the time I was oblivious as I was so tired up with keeping my family together.

The following year things started to get better but now DH wanted me to make friends with this person. Wanted me to start inviting them out with us and subsequently they asked me for a lot of childcare help.

After I had gone to all this effort to be kind, regardless of how i felt about the situation, by September this person went back to acting like I didn't exist and I told DH that I didn't want anything more to do with her as she had used me.

Since then, everything is the best it's been in years with DH. He never mentioned her again. We no longer talk about her and she no longer consumes our lives and arguments. Things are fantastic. I knew there wasnt something quite right with her and could have said 'I told you so' to DH but I didn't.

Until today, she popped up asking for another favour and I could feel myself fill with dread. I couldn't bear the thought of opening that can of worms again.

Will I ever be able to get over this? I still have to see her all the time. DH seems to have just forgotten about the whole thing and moved on but I can't....

Oh that sounds awful. Say no and stick to it. It is like she is taunting you. What a cow.

@Coffeebreakkk I mentioned all the time that I didn't think a lot of the things he was doing (or trying to do) were appropriate for a married man. At one point we would argue about this woman almost daily. He would never have admitted to anything. She had so many problems and issues all the time and it was like he used to thrive on the drama. She could have murdered our dog and he would have made an excuse for it.

What the fool couldn't see was that she has a habit of forming friendships with men. I doubt it really meant anything to her.

@MissMarpleDarling May I ask what you mean by she was taunting me?

@Mcandypandy

To be honest, it was to prove to my husband that I wanted to move forward and because he wouldn't accept no for an answer.

Why wasn't he trying to prove things to YOU. You deserve a lot better than this. if you can't see that - how will you feel if in 10 or 15 years one of your DCs is taking your role in a relationship? What would you tell them? Because they are watching you and will copy unless you break this cycle.

I think you should focus on leaving your abusive husband instead of this ridiculous distraction from your far greater problem.

Y'all need to block her number, email and social media. How else can you possibly move on from the betrayal, and rebuild trust?

Just because you might see her at the nursery doesn't mean you need to interact with her. You don't owe her anything.

Your husband needs to respect and prioritize your relationship. If he doesn't, you need to decide if you can live with that.

She taunting you because she is shagging your husband in plain view.

@PanamaPattie I know for a fact this isn't true. My husband hasn't left the house on his own for almost a year due to covid. Also, he is clueless about what is happening with her now she rarely posts on social media.

Ok. I hope you are right.

Is there anyway at all you can choose a different nursery and a different school. You don't have to put up with this shit. In the meantime a cold hard examination of your relationship is the next step. You are worth more than what's gone on here.

@EscapeTheCastle unfortunately not, although I have dreamt of moving a millions miles away (that is how much it bothers me)

Because we live close by, we are on all the same fb groups, whatsapp groups, hobby groups, she's everywhere.

You may have dreamt about "moving a million miles away" but you would've taken the true source of your problem with you,your disrespectful,untrustworthy bastard of a husband

I don't want this to sound flippant or rude, OP I suggest you start some therapy for yourself. Most counsellors are doing online appointments during lockdown. I highly recommend having a counsellor to talk things through with, it all sounds very messy and complicated and honestly it sounds like you might have some extreme self esteem issues.

What was she doing whilst you were minding her children? Was she out with your husband? Do you work, he may have not left the house but has she visited him? He sounds absolutely awful and so does she. You owe her nothing!

Look, I get why everyone is angry for you. You were emotionally abused and it seems like DH got away with it. But... if things really are that good right now you need a clear boundary.
Agree with DH that things are going well, that if she gets too close again it will cause you serious problems, agree that you close down any of her requests for help.

I know your kids go to the same nursery but usually - unless you’re in a small village or something - your world tends to expand once the kids go to school: new friends, new clubs and hobbies etc. Fingers crossed she’ll fade away.
Good luck OP... and take your next steps knowing that you won’t stand for the treatment you endured before.

This is familiar
Didn’t you post this before but without the EA bit, you just thought your DH was “too soft “

She owed you nothing, your husband owed you so much more. Yet you blame her and let him get away with terrible behaviour.
I agree with other posters who have said seek some counselling, really look at the dynamic of your relationship, really think about whether you want to grow old with this inconsiderate man who choose to treat you so badly.

She may be acting like a dick, but your twat of a husband is the villain in the piece here.

He has trampled all over you and you are grateful for the crumbs.

He is an absolute cunt and I am so sorry that you cannot see this.

He has shit on you so much, that you are still grateful to have him.

This thread has made me angry. Sorry for my language

I hope you find some strength to see what your husband, who is supposed to love, support and care for you, really is.

I'd bin your husband ASAP

@FelicityFeathery

I honestly want to say to you ' please - stop being so silly.'

What are you doing woman? Honestly this man is taking the piss out of you and has been doing so for what sounds like a long time. Where is your boundary for this type of behaviour? Would you want your DD to accept this behaviour from a man?

My advice would be to tell him to move out (and if this really isn't possible right now, then to the spare room or sofa or whatever) and start divorce proceedings.

Otherwise this will be your life going forward

To move out for something that happened years ago?

I agree with the general theme here - your husband's actions & your willingness to just roll over & let both of them treat you like shit are the real issue!

HOWEVER, if you're 100% past it, things are now good/happy & you're determined to make things work with him, you need to take a stand, once & for all.

Block HER in every way, shape or form. Be blunt if necessary. Dont give a shit about what people might think or how she reacts. Move nurseries & schools if possible. Move house if that's an option. Sounds very dramatic but how will you ever truly be able to move on if she's in your face all the time like you say she is?? You also need to sit your husband down & get everything out on the table. Stop brushing your feelings under the carpet & assuming he's oblivious.

Honestly now OP.
What have you got to lose by replying her a simple 'fuck off' ?
What's the very worst that can happen?
If I was your friend I would tell her for you