Autism assessment - so nervous, cross with mother

[CardoMondo]

I have my assessment for autism tomorrow via video link. I’m nervous as hell, been on waiting list for nearly 3 years. Have struggled since I can remember, I’m almost 40. But because I mask well everyone says “you’re not autistic!!” and it’s making me question myself. What if the assessor thinks I’m just a time waster?!

So I called my mum yesterday to ask about how I was a child. My mum has a habit of making up her own history so I don’t know why I bothered. She knows it’s my assessment tomorrow and insists “you’re definitely not autistic! You wouldn’t have got a degree if you was! 🙄).

So, she said as a child I was very sporty. This is the complete opposite to reality!! I HATED sports, was always the last to be picked for teams and on some occasions the other kids argued between themselves over who had to “have me” in their team. It was horrible, me stood on my own whilst the teacher shouted at them all saying “make your mind up! She has to go in someone’s team!!”

My mum said I had lots of friends. I had 0 friends. I was also bullied. When I pointed this out to her she started going on about herself saying she wasn’t a big mixer as a child either 🙄

I am still unable to form relationships, this affects my career as I purposely put off training etc as it means having to socialise. I worked at a place for a whole year and nobody knew who I was.

I have obsessive interests. When I pointed this out to my mum she said “oh but I like dogs too” ffs 🤦‍♀️

I struggle with eye contact. My mum said “I always think people are looking at me funny!” Argh!!

Now I’m dreading the assessment. Thank god they haven’t asked for my mothers input.

Ignore your mum. She's of a generation that didn't really believe in autism. I'm 57 and my mum was the same. As far as she was concerned, I was just difficult.

For her to accept I had autism would be for her to admit that she has blamed and belittled and undermined me for 50 years. To admit she was wrong. Even that is somehow her fault.

She won't do that, just as yours won't, so ignore your mum, and look at your assessment as the first conversation on the way to being acknowledged and supported.

Good luck x

Ugh, how frustrating, ignore you mothers comments, sounds similar to what I get from various family members over my dyspraxia. You just focus on what you know about yourself, how you do things, what helps you to get by.

is she my mum as well?! We were speaking about autism (my oldest has autism) and I said about my other son having autism , she knows he is on the waiting list and has been for 2 years, and she said “well the others don’t have autism!” knowing full well my son is awaiting diagnosis which I had to point out, also when my daughter was first diagnosed I remember saying I don’t know how best to explain it to her for her to understand and my mum said not to tell her! Sounds like your mum is in denial about it all.

I have severe adhd and I'm 31 years old. My mum denied I needed help or had adhd even though she got me diagnosed as a child (it's not logical... I get to that!)
Although after years of confrontation (the last 3 years), she'll agree that I have it but will not make any effort to understand or make any adjustments (I live with my parents).
My mum was very cruel to me as a child and didn't want people I know I had it, but I had to attend a private paediatrician to get medication. So I knew something was different but we never talked about it.
It's all about self image with her. Someone in our family has special needs and she is embarrassed about them and often criticises them.
Like your mum, my mum would say defensively 'you don't have..... you don't do....' but get annoyed when I do the thing (obsessions like you for e.g.)
You're not alone, it's really annoying.
She can't accept reality.

Incidentally, I have my diagnosis. I also have a degree, and a career, a house. But no long-term relationship.

The relief on discovering I wasn't mad, wasn't to blame was immense

There are three sides to this. Your Mum may be minimising. She may genuinely not see your difficulties (mum blindness). Or, and this is possible: She may, herself, have traits of ASD, which means that when you point those traits out as 'symptoms' of your potential ASD, she can't understand it, because you're just like her.

There is a poster on MN who regularly tells the story of taking her child to the doctor, because they just "weren't normal". After talking to her, it was established that both her other children, and she, had ASD, so the child in question, who was NT, seemed odd.

Regardless of which of those scenarios are true, this is your assessment, not hers. Write a few notes - examples of when you've found situations difficult.

I don’t have Autism but I do have a mother who likes to rewrite history.
Just ignore it OP, she may be trying to ignore your possible diagnosis out of guilt for not picking it up herself (To be fair it would have been very unusual in those days).
I hope it goes well and you get what you need from the assessment

You will be fine. So many autistic people are fantastically well practiced at masking, we perfect that skill so we can survive school. The assessor will be well aware of that, plus you would not have got to the point of being assessed if you did not meet any of the criteria.
I got my diagnosis (Aspergers, OCD and anxiety) when I was 18, 12 years ago. My mother was just as you describe, was in complete denial that I could possibly be autistic, then announced at my assessment that she thought she was also autistic and wanted her own diagnosis. Now she has that, is happier and is open to the fact that my childhood wasn't the ideal one she would have liked.
Good luck tomorrow.

Ah been there!
Take no notice of her mine was the same, think it's partly that their love clouds your faults and the fear that they've failed being a parent by not noticing.
You assessment will be fine, they're lovely people and will really to make sure you're comfortable and explain everything well. Just tell them everything even if it seems insignificant to you. I told mine a funny story and he was just like "well that's a very clear indication of autism"

Be honest with the assessor including what you recall and what DM has said. It will all be helpful for them. Dh has MH issues and PIL are the same. Total denial as if it never happened and actually refuse to talk about it. I believe its about image and the fact that in MILs eyes it reflects poorly on her as not the 'perfect' mother. You have to do your assessment for you regardless of what your mother believes or says.

@Godimabitch

Ah been there! Take no notice of her mine was the same, think it's partly that their love clouds your faults and the fear that they've failed being a parent by not noticing. You assessment will be fine, they're lovely people and will really to make sure you're comfortable and explain everything well. Just tell them everything even if it seems insignificant to you. I told mine a funny story and he was just like "well that's a very clear indication of autism"

Reminds me of when DH and I went to a deserted medieval village for a walk. On the way back a couple were walking towards us and the man said “is it still deserted?” with a smile. I said “no, there are a couple of families walking around but it isn’t too bad”. He looked confused, smiles awkwardly and carried on walking. DH later explained that the guy was making a joke regarding the medieval village being deserted, not asking if it was currently deserted 😂😂

the medival story was a joke ? sorry, i don't get that as being even remotely amusing, sounds like the guy was being a bit random.

I keep thinking there is something with me, my DD is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and I recognise some of the traits from when I was a child. I become obsessive with things (my mum used to mock me about this), struggle to keep friends, struggle in social situations, have sensory issues (especially with food), I keep wondering whether to do anything about it, but my mum and dad always make comments that make me think of they don't believe me then why will a doctor. I fought so hard to get my DD to the point we are at and no one believed me with her for a good 3 years and but don't see the point for myself.

You have been so much stronger than me to get to the point you are at, ignore your mum and just be yourself for the appointment.

I’m 46 and went through the evaluation process with my own dd a couple of years ago. It was illuminating with regards to myself. The thing you need to remember is that for our generation, there was no such thing as aspergers or high functioning autism and virtually no girls diagnosed.

Like my dd, I am an absent-minded professor type, which really isn’t a bad type of person to be. I see it more of an advantage than a disadvantage, but it does help explain why certain interactions are so difficult.

Retired assessor here. Try not to worry too much, and try not to second guess yourself. Be as honest and as clear as you can.
My mother was the same, but as with pp, I have degrees, a house, children.

My DD was not diagnosed until she was 18, prior to that through school because she is very intelligent, she masked it completely.
We knew she was clumsy, disorganised and didn't like exams, but so are many in my family and because up until she started to do external exams she appeared to be OK nobody thought to question it.
As parents we were asked to speak to the assessor and provide background information and it wasn't until we started to learn about autism and girls that we started to understand.

In a way I think we didn't see it as we were too close to the problem and because I suspect that there are areas of my personality that are very similar, although not at her level. However, it was also not spotted by her primary or secondary school, until it manifested as extreme anxiety.

My daughter had our full support through diagnosis and now almost 10 years later she will tell anyone who wants to know what a positive step it was. To know that how she is feeling and behaving is completely OK gave her some reassurance that she needed. To know that there are situations that you won't cope with and that that is OK

My daughter would not have got the 'joke', but then I am not sure I do either.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m actually more ADD than autistic. I’m so disorganised, messy, can never finish anything, can’t make decisions, but that wouldn’t explain why I’m so bloody socially awkward. Everyone thinks I’m weird. I burn bridges everywhere I go. I qualified as a nurse 4 years ago and in that time I’ve had 5 different jobs. I just don’t get on with people.

My current job involves me working alone in my own clinic. Patients come to me. It’s the most settled I’ve been but even then I’m hanging by a shoe string because I keep annoying everyone

What if the assessor thinks I’m just a time waster?! They are unlikely to think that. If it was an easy diagnosis your GP could do it.

For her to accept I had autism would be for her to admit that she has blamed and belittled and undermined me for 50 years. At the time both your mothers were bringing you up, the dominant theory was that autism was entirely caused by a failure of the mother to communicate adequately with their baby. It's hardly surprising if they're hostile to the idea of an autism diagnosis.

When I told my mum I’d been assessed and found out I’m autistic (at just gone 40), I got back ‘oh yeah, we always thought you were a bit odd’. Thanks mum! Worse this was said in front of my two autistic kids. She wonders why I refuse to let her see them and we have no contact (not just this one incident but one of many).

Op I’m sorry your mother isn’t supportive, many here will be. Honestly the assessment is okay, it’s worth trying to think about your answers and examples of what you feel makes you autistic in advance but they know how to assess basically. At your and my ages and being female we had no hope of being diagnosed as kids, it’s been such a boost to me to know I’m actually NOT odd, I’m autistic, it’s different so F off mother! (Mine but yours too 💐)

Autism rarely presents alone, there are many other conditions which can present alongside it usually termed co-morbids including ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia Dyspraxia, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, JHS, EDS, Semantic Pragmatic disorder and others, so don't try and confine yourself to thinking each condition has only certain

Lots of those conditions have traits that are also present in autism, diagnosis is not by group of traits, but also their intensity and how they affect the individual.

I’m hanging by a shoe string because I keep annoying everyone

Are you annoying patients, or colleagues?

correction - ' each condition has only certain' traits and people only have the one condition.

I also meant to say don't worry, whoever is doing your assessment will be used to seeing autistic adults and their experience plus the diagnostic tests which are very thorough will give you the answer.

Do tell them about your own recollections from childhood.

@Snaketime

I keep thinking there is something with me, my DD is in the process of being diagnosed with ADHD and I recognise some of the traits from when I was a child. I become obsessive with things (my mum used to mock me about this), struggle to keep friends, struggle in social situations, have sensory issues (especially with food), I keep wondering whether to do anything about it, but my mum and dad always make comments that make me think of they don't believe me then why will a doctor. I fought so hard to get my DD to the point we are at and no one believed me with her for a good 3 years and but don't see the point for myself.

You have been so much stronger than me to get to the point you are at, ignore your mum and just be yourself for the appointment.

Just out of nosiness, and projecting my own problems on to you, is your sensory issues related to food ARFID? Don’t feel you have to reply if you don’t want to.

I didn’t have my parents involved in my adult ASD assessment because of abuse and a tendency to rewrite history. You are allowed not to.

It’s good to provide an alternate source of evidence about how you were as a child, if you can - school reports, video footage of you have it. Helps them build up a picture that isn’t just based on your representations. My then-partner also contributed in writing. I told him to be brutally honest and that I didn’t want to see what he wrote to avoid putting a bias on my behaviour.

Good luck, hope it goes well for you.

@BlankTimes

Autism rarely presents alone, there are many other conditions which can present alongside it usually termed co-morbids including ADD, ADHD, Dyslexia Dyspraxia, Sensory Processing Disorder, Anxiety, JHS, EDS, Semantic Pragmatic disorder and others, so don't try and confine yourself to thinking each condition has only certain

Lots of those conditions have traits that are also present in autism, diagnosis is not by group of traits, but also their intensity and how they affect the individual.

I’m hanging by a shoe string because I keep annoying everyone

Are you annoying patients, or colleagues?

Colleagues. The patients love me! I’m forever getting boxes of biscuits, chocolates, coffee etc etc left at reception for me. Not sure why, some patients will only come in if I’m on duty.

But colleagues think I’m odd, uncooperative, unsociable and stand offish