Autism assessment - so nervous, cross with mother

[CardoMondo]

I have my assessment for autism tomorrow via video link. I’m nervous as hell, been on waiting list for nearly 3 years. Have struggled since I can remember, I’m almost 40. But because I mask well everyone says “you’re not autistic!!” and it’s making me question myself. What if the assessor thinks I’m just a time waster?!

So I called my mum yesterday to ask about how I was a child. My mum has a habit of making up her own history so I don’t know why I bothered. She knows it’s my assessment tomorrow and insists “you’re definitely not autistic! You wouldn’t have got a degree if you was! 🙄).

So, she said as a child I was very sporty. This is the complete opposite to reality!! I HATED sports, was always the last to be picked for teams and on some occasions the other kids argued between themselves over who had to “have me” in their team. It was horrible, me stood on my own whilst the teacher shouted at them all saying “make your mind up! She has to go in someone’s team!!”

My mum said I had lots of friends. I had 0 friends. I was also bullied. When I pointed this out to her she started going on about herself saying she wasn’t a big mixer as a child either 🙄

I am still unable to form relationships, this affects my career as I purposely put off training etc as it means having to socialise. I worked at a place for a whole year and nobody knew who I was.

I have obsessive interests. When I pointed this out to my mum she said “oh but I like dogs too” ffs 🤦‍♀️

I struggle with eye contact. My mum said “I always think people are looking at me funny!” Argh!!

Now I’m dreading the assessment. Thank god they haven’t asked for my mothers input.

I was worried that no one else would see DS1's autism; school certainly don't because he masks well. I was amazed at how definitive the consultant was even deciding that she didn't need further standard processes to diagnose.

She read for subtlties like being told to go to the scales/ height measure and failing to read the cue that he could follow us to sit down
Where/ who he directed his eye contact at (which I never noticed because he concentrates on me when talking to a 3rd person)
His interjections

The specialists know what they are looking for.

Don’t dread it op. Your mum sounds like she’s in denial.

I can relate to you to some degree. I have two autistic children and I do believe I’m on the spectrum myself but haven’t been formally assessed or anything. But it’s clearly genetic as both my dc have different fathers (my ex and current partner) and they are both on the spectrum.

My mum is similar. Obviously I’m not going through as assessment like you but my mum has a different view on my childhood than I do. I’ve struggled through life but she always turned a blind eye. Which has made me incredibly anxious and reluctant about seeking help as an adult thinking that no one will care.

I see my younger self in my children and see so many similarities and I still struggle now.

You don’t need your mum involved so let her be. If they ask about your childhood tell them your view on it.

Good luck op! 🌸

Your mum doesn't understand at all. My DD had this assessment online two weeks ago. She is a child though. One of the things I did was to write three headings: Sensory issues, Social Communication/Interaction and Flexibility of thinking. Insuggest you do this and then make a list of points about the way you are, under each heading. I was so nervous that I didn't mention all my points. It would have forgotten most, if I hadn't them written down.

Some of these points will be the way you are and you might not see them as an issue or problem. You might have made them a strength. But they still might be evidence of eg inflexility of thinking.. (eg being very focused on a task and not liking to be interrupted, trusting your own judgement and excluding the judgement of others).

They will probably ask you about your ability to imagine things or to be imaginative. Also how do you manage change/transitions. They will probably show you pictures of situations and ask you what you think is happening.
They may ask you about your interests. I don't think it's about what you're interested in, but how narrow these are, or how preoccupied you are about them.

I hope this helps. Having a bit of an idea of what to expect helped me. It related to the child diagnostic criteria though.

Good luck.

Even if you do not get diagnosed with autism (which from what you say there is a strong possibility you do have) there are many other things that might cause this... ADHD, Anxiety disordes, Dyspraxia, OCD (this is not just aboit obsessive cleaning and can just be about obsessive or intrusive thoughts on any topics that you can't seem to control)
I think you are doing exactly the right thing investigating all this and im sorry your mother isn't supportive it sounds like she's taking it as some kind of personal comment on her parenting or something.. my mum is like that too any time I mention any mental health issues I have had. Cant just have a reasonable conversation where she is supportive its always her trying to minimise and change the narrative of my past to something she finds more comfortable.
I hope you gets one answers and some ideas on how to make your life easier from this! Good luck and dont worry!

I just wanted to share my experience of my assessment a few years ago, as a grown ass adult of 26, so you are not wrong footed if similar happens to you

I completed an interview about sensory issues, relationships, hobbies, masking, career and education. So far so good.

I was then given a child’s picture book and asked to speculate on what the cartoon frog might be feeling about it’s circumstances. I was also presented with a selection of grubby toys and small objects and asked to use them as prompts to tell a story.
They were pretty keen to diagnose so I think my response of death stare and curled lip wasn’t unexpected

Since diagnosis DM and I get on much better , I think she had been carrying a lot of hurt over the years from my blunt speech and need for lots of space and now she understands it was not due to personal dislike. I think she had to completely re frame lots of her memories of my childhood and her feelings of rejection which I imagine is difficult mental work.

Hope any of this is helpful, best of luck

It does sounds like your mum could have ASD also, or she could just be a part. Hard to know.
I will say that my ASD son.... I think people usually don’t know he has it unless I tell them but my friends have said to me before that’s it’s very obvious. I guess I don’t notice it so much as his mum. Maybe your mum is like this too? X

Oh God.

My mum was my informant. Big mistake.

I had part 3 (the assessment has been extended somewhat because they haven’t been able to “meet” me yet) the other day, on the phone.

The woman said that the info from my mum didn’t point towards autism. What a fucking surprise. Clearly Mother was wearing her “I’m the best mum in the world” rose-tinted glasses when recounting what a happy and gregarious childhood I had.

It’s made me question my whole life and why I’m putting myself through this gruelling process. I feel totally crazy now.

I’ve since been emailed a different form to fill in where I can provide lots more detail. Also my friend of 20 years who has seen a lot of my difficulties/eccentricities has agreed to be another informant.

I’m late 40s and I’m so tired of this shit.

I had my assessment at 28 years old. I took my Aunt with (my dad's brother's wife).

I hope it goes ok. Your mum sounds a prize tool!

Do be wary of hanging your hat on the diagnosis though - it might not be autism causing all your difficulties. And even if it is, it won't solve them, it might just help you come up with some strategies for not 'annoying people' or whatever your problems are.

It's fantastic that your patients think you're great and believe me in this day and age they wouldn't be leaving gifts for you if they didn't
I'm guessing here that one to one with your patients, you can establish a rapport and communication is reasonably straightforward.

But colleagues think I’m odd, uncooperative, unsociable and stand offish
I'd lay odds this is because of teamwork and all the NT "hidden" communication that goes with it that you don't pick up on because of the social communication deficits that many autistic people have.

The words that they say, interpreted literally by you sound fine, but their tone of voice that you don't distinguish means they are really saying the opposite.
I used TV soaps to teach my DD about this type of thing and other hidden communication like exchanging looks and tone of voice, because the characters are quite obvious when they do it.

Some comedy shows exaggerate this too, if you watch Mrs. Brown's Boys when she says "That's nice" it's obvious she means the opposite.

It's also very likely that if you're asked a question by your colleagues, your answer will appear curt and abrupt to them, whereas to you it will be just a straightforward correct answer.

After tomorrow, do investigate semantic pragmatic language, literal interpretation and hidden inferences in social communication.

For the rest of tonight and until your assessment, please try and stay calm and just be yourself.
The clinicians who do the assessments are used to dealing with autistic children and adults and they know exactly what to look for. Try not to worry and i hope you have the outcome you want.

Thank you for the advice everyone. I just hope I don’t make a scene and burst out crying. I’d be mortified.

My daughter was assessed and diagnosed last year. She's in her 40s. If you aren't autistic they won't think you are a time waster. And if you are, and you're like my daughter, you will find the diagnosis helpful to you. She says sometimes it's a comfort to know that what she always thought of as her weirdness in certain situations has a reason. She finds her Sunflower lanyard very helpful as well.

@CardoMondo if you got upset and had some sort of meltdown, they would understand totally. The lady who assessed my daughter also interviewed me on the phone, and we both felt really comfortable with her.

OP, I was diagnosed last year. I'm 38. My mum (like yours) is a history re-writer. As part of the assessment they had to interview her. She was adamant I wasn't Autistic but they saw right through her.

PM me if you have any questions about the assessment process or just want an Autistic friend.

I hope no one minds me saying this, but try not to find out what the assessment entails beforehand. It's in our nature to do so - I research absolutely everything because I can't cope with the unknown - but part of the assessment is actually seeing how you react to different things. So if you're well prepared, know what the tasks and questions are going to be, then you're less likely to react naturally, and more likely to mask your true reaction, because that's what we've had to do for so long.

Apologies for the long sentences, I hope it makes sense. Please don't worry about getting upset, if that's how something makes you feel that's OK. They want to know about you, not the mask you put on to try to do 'normal'.