I can’t make decisions. I’m basing my life on others...

[coconutcream08]

I’m such an unhinged mess right now.

Had my first baby in Feb last year.

I’ve struggled so much and it’s made me realise I don’t have a clue about who I am.

Since the birth of my son I feel like I haven’t had a clue what I’m doing or what I should be doing.

I can’t seem to make a decision about anything.

My son day naps on me, always has and I’ve always been happy with this.
He’s a good sleeper on a night and I’ve enjoyed the day cuddles.

My antenatal group (there’s 8 of us) 7 of the babies all day nap in their cot.

Since hearing this, I feel like my son “should” sleep in his cot and the fact that he doesn’t makes me feel angry and disappointed in myself.
I feel like I’m parenting wrong.

He’s coming up to 11 months old and he’s such a happy baby. He’s meeting all of his milestones.
He’s crawling, he stands unaided and he’s very nearly walking.
He says 4 / 5 words and he understands sign language, which we started from a young age.

Yet I still feel like I’m doing something wrong or other people are doing it better.

Im due back to work in 8 weeks time, I’ve been offered part time 3 days a week.
My antenatal friends were all going back to work too so I thought I’d made the right decision.

Now a few of them have decided against going back, and since I’ve found this out, I don’t think I should go back either.

I feel guilty for leaving my son, I don’t want to go back to work because of Covid and I’m anxious to send my son to nursery for the same reasons.

I honestly just don’t know what I want in life.

I don’t know if I want to go back to work, I don’t know if I want my son to nap in his cot or on me.

I feel Irritable and argumentative because I’m constantly stick in a cycle of arguing with myself, unable to make a decision of my own.

I seem to just follow what other people do.

So many people have said, “trust your gut” “go with your instincts”
But I don’t feel like I have the capability to do that.

I live in fear of making the wrong choice, of people judging me .

I don’t feel like my own opinion is of any value to me because I seem to be more concerned by other people’s.

I really feel like I’m going to be miserable forever if I can’t get out of this cycle that I’m in.

Sorry you're feeling this way OP. An inability to make decisions is a key symptom of anxiety. Are you being treated for an anxiety disorder at all? If not maybe speak to your GP, the should be able to help with referral for CBT.

In the meantime, the sleeping thing. Do not worry about this at all. If you and your baby are both happy with this arrangement then keep it going! In fact, I sometimes with my babies had slept on me cause I would then have actually rested during nap time rather than doing other silly things I didn't really need to do.

Regarding your return to work, maybe trial going back part time for a few weeks. If you don't feel like it's right for you then you can leave. You can't change your mind once you leave your job so this is probably the most sensible course of action.

You have a happy, healthy baby. You're doing great

You sound like you are taking such good care of your son.

Who is taking care of you? A partner? Mother? Friends?

How is your baby going to sleep at nursery if he’s only ever been used to sleeping on you?

I was like this too! I think it's really normal - a reaction to feeling overwhelmed. It's been a huge year for lots of reasons, including a baby and a global pandemic.

Do you like work? Or did you, when you worked? Do you want to stay at home?

If you don't know the answer to these questions, my advice would be to go back to work, give it 3-6 months and review. If you hate it and want to be at home you can quit. If you stay home now, and then realise it was a mistake it will be a lot harder to find a job, especially one which is 3 days.

I personally thing your gut is to go back - after all, that is what you organised before you heard what others were doing.

You might also find that once you have other things (and people) in your life, than babies and NCT, you regain yourself and sense of self. I know I did! The mat leave phase can be very... intense and a bit of an echo chamber especially at the moment when you're not able to meet other people or do other things.

I went back this time last year, with a 10 month old. It was 100% the right thing for me, and I realised that quite quickly but in the weeks leading up to it I really get that I was doing the wrong thing. Good luck!

@Sway19

How is your baby going to sleep at nursery if he’s only ever been used to sleeping on you?

@Sway19

He sleeps perfectly fine in his cot.
Pram if we’re out, sling etc.

@CrotchBurn

Who is taking care of you? A partner? Mother? Friends?

I’m sad to say; but I don’t feel like I have anyone at the minute.

Then you're probably at a loss because you don't feel you have anyone to bounce ideas off. I agree with @absolutehush you should probably go back to work knowing you can always quit. It might help you get a sense of self back.

As a PP mentions your baby will need to learn to sleep without you for nursery to work. So that also takes that decision out of your hands too xx

Sometimes in life you come across a situation with no right or wrong answer, and it can leave you stuck on a loop trying to make a decision. But like other pp have said, you can always give work a try then quit if it’s not working out.

Your baby sounds wonderful. Stop listening to your friends.

You were happy going back to work until they said they weren't. Go back. You can always leave later if it doesn't work out.

(Many mums have no clue and we all did "Fake it till you make it" - it just those that do this with confidence can be intimidating and seem like they have all the answers. Trust yourself you are amazing).

OP decision making is based on fact

Look at the facts of each situation, ultimately he won’t sleep in you forever, he’ll be too big and too heavy soon enough and he’ll be uncomfortable in your arms, plus it’ll get too warm in the summer and he’ll drop daytime naps eventually.

So this isn’t a huge problem, it’s short term and honestly irrelevant.

Work wise, do you want to keep you job? Can you afford not to go to work?
Do you have long term career prospects
If you have up work could you retrain whilst being at home for a better future

@absolutehush

Do you like work? Or did you, when you worked? Do you want to stay at home?

I haven’t really been happy in my job for a while now, but a good salary and a company car allowance have kept me there.

I’ve been on mat leave 10 months and haven’t had any messages from colleagues.
I don’t really have friends at work.
I get on with everyone and will chat with people at lunch etc, but that doesn’t extend to outside of work.

I keep feeling like I should go back, finically is the main reason.

But then I feel like I should stay at home. I feel like I’m going to be judged for going back and leaving my son.

My sister in law in a sahm with 3 children and believes you shouldn’t have kids if you’re not prepared to stay at home and look after them yourself....

She’s quite vocal about this and it makes me feel like she’s judging me.

You sound a bit like me in the sense that you make choices but then are very easily swayed when you hear others choices. I’ve been very guilty of this in the past, still am but I am trying to get better. My advice would be to have confidence in your choices, especially parenting ones. Try not to ask too many people for opinions unless you really value their advice. Once you’ve made your choice try to stick to it unless something major has come up to make you question it and that doesn’t include that more people are doing something different.

And to the poster who said your baby won’t sleep at nursery, they will, it’ll just take a bit of time maybe for them to get used to a different routine. It would be a totally different routine anyway without having you there and being in a room with other babies.

Honestly, telling someone who is worrying about a fairly normal thing that they may have a disorder and needs to seek professional help surely just adds to the worry no?

OP it is the absolute bane of parenting that there are a million theories about there about what is right and ultimately there is no answer. If you are perfectly happy with your baby sleeping on you and it doesn't get in the way of your life, then go ahead. Many people get them napping in a cot because they want to use that time for other things but if you don't, that's fine. With regard to work and nursery etc, especially in these times, if you don't want or need to, then don't - but in a year or so you may want to think about the long term inplications of being a SAHM with regard to pension, dependence on your DH /DP (if there is one) etc. If you do need to for financial reasons or because you want a return to at least a bit of pre baby "you", then do it, but try and ensure that your dp/dh (assuming there is one) is involved and that the pick ups / drop off and costs are not all assumed to be your job. Plenty of babies thrive in a nursery setting and do well. Some people find a childminder offers a more individual and home like experience but can be more precarious and less reliable if they are ill or whatever. You can only ever do what is working for you. I had a friend who gave birth at the same time as me. Is now home schooling (out of choice) 4 kids who mostly roam barefoot around their small parcel of land, climbing trees and looking after the animals. I have absolutely no doubt they are happy, thriving and probably academically no worse off than my two who have had a much more conventional time of it. We are both "good" mums, but totally different. Its about learning to have confidence in your own judgement.

@Sway19

How is your baby going to sleep at nursery if he’s only ever been used to sleeping on you?

What a stupid comment!

My DD went to nursery only napping on me, EBF and never having been left due to Covid-the nursery had no issues and found their own way of sleeping.

@coconutcream08 I do think you need a bit of support, this level of self doubt isn’t normal but totally understandable when you’ve had a lockdown baby. You are doing brilliantly but I’d reach out for some help.

I generally find that my first decision is my best one, so with respect to work I wouldn’t change your plans.

My DD has only just gone in to her own room at 15 months- all my NCT friends had theirs moved at 6 months. Some still BF, some not. Some sleeping through, some not. We do not need to be the same. But you know that, you just need a bit of help.

And op just re your latest update, my sister thinks mother’s should go back to work to set an example for their children. Just saying this to highlight that no matter what you do when it comes to kids someone will think you are doing the wrong thing.

@HugeAckmansWife

Honestly, telling someone who is worrying about a fairly normal thing that they may have a disorder and needs to seek professional help surely just adds to the worry no?

OP it is the absolute bane of parenting that there are a million theories about there about what is right and ultimately there is no answer. If you are perfectly happy with your baby sleeping on you and it doesn't get in the way of your life, then go ahead. Many people get them napping in a cot because they want to use that time for other things but if you don't, that's fine. With regard to work and nursery etc, especially in these times, if you don't want or need to, then don't - but in a year or so you may want to think about the long term inplications of being a SAHM with regard to pension, dependence on your DH /DP (if there is one) etc. If you do need to for financial reasons or because you want a return to at least a bit of pre baby "you", then do it, but try and ensure that your dp/dh (assuming there is one) is involved and that the pick ups / drop off and costs are not all assumed to be your job. Plenty of babies thrive in a nursery setting and do well. Some people find a childminder offers a more individual and home like experience but can be more precarious and less reliable if they are ill or whatever. You can only ever do what is working for you. I had a friend who gave birth at the same time as me. Is now home schooling (out of choice) 4 kids who mostly roam barefoot around their small parcel of land, climbing trees and looking after the animals. I have absolutely no doubt they are happy, thriving and probably academically no worse off than my two who have had a much more conventional time of it. We are both "good" mums, but totally different. Its about learning to have confidence in your own judgement.

@HugeAckmansWife

I don’t have much to do during the day 😂
I love the cuddles when he naps on me.

He goes to bed on an evening (in his cot but he’s still in my room)

I use this time to unwind with my husband. Catch up on any chores etc.

Financially we would definitely struggle if I didn’t go back.
We’d manage, but it would be tight not much room for luxuries.

I really can’t complain about my husband, he’s a really hands on Dad and we will both be sharing the pick up and drop offs.

So you have a husband but you don't feel like you have anyone looking out for you?

@Bumble84

And op just re your latest update, my sister thinks mother’s should go back to work to set an example for their children. Just saying this to highlight that no matter what you do when it comes to kids someone will think you are doing the wrong thing.

@Bumble84

I think that’s what I find difficult. I feel like no matter what I do, someone will disagree with me and then I find myself doubting my decision.
But it’s always based on other people’s opinions.

It’s a lose lose situation.

@HugeAckmansWife That's not exactly what I said. I said it may be worth running through how she's feeling with a GP, just in case.

@CrotchBurn

So you have a husband but you don't feel like you have anyone looking out for you?

@CrotchBurn

I guess that didn’t sound nice me saying that.

My husband is great.

I just feel quiet lonely in the friend department and I’m definitely not good at looking out for myself.

I get you.

It really sounds to me like you should try going back to work. Xx

Lovely, opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one. You've found things that work for you and your baby, the same way your friends have. He's a happy, healthy boy and you've done a really good job with him. You were fine with your decision until people stuck their oar in.

You do sound a bit anxious, and that's unsurprising given the times we're living in and coupled with a young child. If you need help with that, that's fine, your gp can offer help. You've not failed, others aren't doing a better job than you and I bet each and every one of your friends has their own insecurities.

Hi OP

Dont worry about the sleep, if it works for you and your baby it's fine, I know loads of kids that have to be taken out in cars or buggies or rocked to sleep at home, and they quickly learn to do it differently at nursery. Like your son has learnt to sleep in his cot at night. They know it's different and change their behaviour accordingly. I had a child that only slept in the pitch black and complete quiet, who happily slept in the light room with a load of other kids at nursery.

The going back to work thing is quite a hard decision, everyone doubts at the time because it's a big change and there are pros and cons to both.

It is important to remember that nothing is set in stone, if you stay at home then it doesnt have to be forever and if you go back to work it doesnt have to be forever.

I cried when I dropped my child off at nursery the first time, it felt awful and I missed her dreadfully. It was still the best decision to go back to work, but I only saw that in hindsight when I had got back into the work routine and the baby had settled. I felt so much like my old self with an identity other than just being a mother. I dont have many maternal instincts and it was good to go back to feeling like I was in control and good at what I did! There are still negatives but I imagine there are negatives of being a SAHP as well.

I am wondering if it would help you to go back, it sounds a bit like you have lost all your confidence and it might help with this. I'd give it 6 months and if it's not working then you dont have to stay

You're a great mum op. My 21 month old still naps on/next to me. There's no right or wrong, whichever works best for you and baby! I too love the day time cuddles and he is my first. I won't get moments like this if I ever have a second or if I decide not to have another because they grow so quickly. Every baby is different. I was like yourself but this is my baby and I choose what to do with him and how to grow up with him. I decided not to go back to work because they grow up so quickly. It's totally up to you how you feel about going back to work and don't let other people's life choices influence you. It's whatever works best for your family would be the route to go, there's no right or wrong. You're doing a great job and your son sounds delightful x

As a mum I feel whatever you do is wrong. I was very anxious and had to work full time when my first child was 16 weeks old...a long time ago.
It was hellish and I had no support although I was/am married.
Basically I learnt that as a mum you always feel guilty. It's best just to accept this if you can.
You just need to work on your confidence. Thankfully I'm much older now and wiser but I remember feeling exactly like you.