I can’t make decisions. I’m basing my life on others...

[coconutcream08]

I’m such an unhinged mess right now.

Had my first baby in Feb last year.

I’ve struggled so much and it’s made me realise I don’t have a clue about who I am.

Since the birth of my son I feel like I haven’t had a clue what I’m doing or what I should be doing.

I can’t seem to make a decision about anything.

My son day naps on me, always has and I’ve always been happy with this.
He’s a good sleeper on a night and I’ve enjoyed the day cuddles.

My antenatal group (there’s 8 of us) 7 of the babies all day nap in their cot.

Since hearing this, I feel like my son “should” sleep in his cot and the fact that he doesn’t makes me feel angry and disappointed in myself.
I feel like I’m parenting wrong.

He’s coming up to 11 months old and he’s such a happy baby. He’s meeting all of his milestones.
He’s crawling, he stands unaided and he’s very nearly walking.
He says 4 / 5 words and he understands sign language, which we started from a young age.

Yet I still feel like I’m doing something wrong or other people are doing it better.

Im due back to work in 8 weeks time, I’ve been offered part time 3 days a week.
My antenatal friends were all going back to work too so I thought I’d made the right decision.

Now a few of them have decided against going back, and since I’ve found this out, I don’t think I should go back either.

I feel guilty for leaving my son, I don’t want to go back to work because of Covid and I’m anxious to send my son to nursery for the same reasons.

I honestly just don’t know what I want in life.

I don’t know if I want to go back to work, I don’t know if I want my son to nap in his cot or on me.

I feel Irritable and argumentative because I’m constantly stick in a cycle of arguing with myself, unable to make a decision of my own.

I seem to just follow what other people do.

So many people have said, “trust your gut” “go with your instincts”
But I don’t feel like I have the capability to do that.

I live in fear of making the wrong choice, of people judging me .

I don’t feel like my own opinion is of any value to me because I seem to be more concerned by other people’s.

I really feel like I’m going to be miserable forever if I can’t get out of this cycle that I’m in.

You sound like you lack confidence OP.

Your situation sounds common yet you feel like an outsider.

I would get some counselling. To me, it sounds like you're doing an amazing job but maybe talking through why you're feeling down and isolated may help. It's been a hard year, don't let yourself spiral down.

Reach out x

You're doing an amazing job! I know it doesn't feel like it, it's so hard. But honestly it's like this for most of us. How could it not be - becoming a mum is something you've never done before, never been taught to do, it's completely full on, you never get time off to think. It can feel like your identity has been taken away and replaced with some faceless 'mum' identity. It hasn't though, you are still you. FWIW, going back to work part time was really good for me to help me regain my sense of self and remember that I am still everything I always was, as well as a mum. Good luck

Neither of my kids ever napped in their cots - DC1 was on me only, and DC2 will nap in the pram, if we go out for a walk. They are both healthy, had no issues transitioning to nursery etc.

Try it for 4 weeks. If you dont like it, then leave. At least try it first.

You sound lovely OP.

Why don't you give it a go. You could return to work in 8 weeks and then, if you don't like it, you could leave and stay home with your son.

What baby wouldn't want to nap on his mummy?! He sounds like he is loved and so taken care of. My baby never napped in his cot until his first day at nursery, where he fell asleep on the mats with the others no problem at all. It's just a phase.

Look after yourself.

I have an 18 month old, and when she was younger I had crippling anxiety, just like you thinking everyone else is right and I was wrong, it takes time but it gets easier, as long as you and your baby are happy then you're doing it right ❤️ I promised and you sound like you're doing an amazing job!

Hopefully in the next few months things like baby classes/mother and toddler groups will be on and you'll be able to meet some new people, lots of them in the same boat as you so you'll have lots in common.

Would you consider a different job? Maybe just a part time couple of days a week type thing? It'll be less pressure and you'll still bring in a little bit of money and again, meet a whole bunch of new people, and give you time to enjoy being a mum outside of a pandemic.

It's also wise to remember that someone will always think you're doing it wrong, you're not, you're just not doing it in the way that works for them and that's absolutely fine!!

Another person to whom this sounds very familiar.

First, going back to work part-time sounds like a good balance. It gives your baby chance to try nursery - my ds1 loved it and really needed to go after 12 months old - and gives you chance to keep your cv ticking over/earn some extra.

Second, lack of confidence can be a sign of anxiety - and totally understandable too in the circumstances. Posting on MN can be a great way to confirm that your instincts are OK, so that you don't compare yourself so much to others, but are able to try ideas out before telling folks in real life what you have decided to do. It's also a good place to find surrogate mums. My own mother developed dementia as I had my dss so I lost that support. Mumsnet became the support I needed, for practical help, emotional advice or even just cake recipes. And MN is online 24/7!

Seeing the GP at some stage for help with anxiety is a good idea. Mine only really started to fade once my dcs were at secondary school and more independent, and I do wish that I had had the confidence to go sooner, so give yourself a nudge sometime (or ask on MN) to see if you can gain a little extra help.

HTH

Hi OP,

You sound like a wonderful mum.

It is so hard when you are a new mum and part of an antenatal group - while they are great for making mum friends and I have made good friends, they are also full of loud people with opinions who are always quick to tell you the right way to do something. And can I add that as your child grows and enters school - none of this improves, there are always mums who feel like they can tell everyone else how to parent.

So, my advice to you is to pull back, take time for you, do not engage - stop going to the ante natal group meetings for a few weeks - and try to spend time with other people (preferably people who are not new mums so they will talk about something other than motherhood).

On the return to work - I felt exactly the same abut returning but I was so happy once I went back and my DD was really happy in her nursery. It made DH a better parent as he was in charge of her in the morning and I did the evenings and we shared at weekends.

However, while I was pregnant with DS (my second child) I realised I did not want to return after maternity (I had a new boss and he was bullying me and there were also issues to do with minding the DC when I was away overnight for work etc) so I left and I was a SAHM. But I would not have left if my work had been happy and I would urge you to return for 8 weeks and if you are unhappy you can always leave.

Please keep posting here and you can DM me if you want to chat.

@Sway19

How is your baby going to sleep at nursery if he’s only ever been used to sleeping on you?

I'm sorry but this question pisses me off everytime I see it. They will get used to sleeping in different ways in different environments. My son only ever went to sleep in a pushchair at home but slept on a mat with no problems at nursery. I know others in the same boat. Such an unecessary way to cause extra anxiety for people not to mention completely missing the point of the post in the first place.

@hiccupgate

Glad you’ve said that as it’s another worry of mine.

Once you can accept that everything you do will piss off someone, somewhere, life gets a lot more fun and easier to make decisions. Also you will be able to change your mind without beating yourself up about it. Do whatever you want and stop justifying, judging and comparing yourself to others. None of it is anyone else's business.

Going back to work means in the future you will have options open to you which if you at this point don't go back, those options will vanish. For me working part time is ideal. I get flak from SAHMs and mums who WOH full time. The only mum friends I can talk to are the ones who are also part time. The rest just gets incredibly toxic very fast.

Best of luck OP.

@MerryDecembermas

Once you can accept that everything you do will piss off someone, somewhere, life gets a lot more fun and easier to make decisions. Also you will be able to change your mind without beating yourself up about it. Do whatever you want and stop justifying, judging and comparing yourself to others. None of it is anyone else's business.

Going back to work means in the future you will have options open to you which if you at this point don't go back, those options will vanish. For me working part time is ideal. I get flak from SAHMs and mums who WOH full time. The only mum friends I can talk to are the ones who are also part time. The rest just gets incredibly toxic very fast.

Best of luck OP.

Thank you.

I feel like the pandemic doesn’t make the work choice easier.

I do feel nervous about going back to the office and sending my son to nursery.