To give up breastfeeding

[therestoomuchgoingon]

I know there have been a few on this theme but this is a bit different.

My baby won’t breastfeed so is fed expressed breast milk. I don’t express enough so have to top up with formula.

It’s all completely gone to pot and I don’t know what to do. Desperate for advice if anyone has any.

For one thing I’m finding it hard not to be really pissed off with partner who just constantly feeds him formula whenever he has him. I’ve kept a diary of his feeds and wees and poos: partner has him for an hour and in that time he’ll shove god knows how much formula down him.

He didn’t wake me to express so woke up covered in milk.

But the big problem is I can’t comfort baby when he cries as he smells milk on me and starts thrashing about.

What should I do - just stop and then at least might stand a chance of comforting him? Last night cried for six hours.

Oh you poor thing this sounds miserable.

Could you call your health visitor for a chat?

How old is your baby? If he is a new born then maybe the formula from dad is disrupting his ability to breast feed?

What do you want to do? If you want to carry on please get the health visitor to help. And work out a plan and tell dad this is how it will be.

If you want to stop then please don’t feel guilty. Any milk - even just a couple of days of it - is beneficial for baby.

I don’t want to stop but I feel like my hand is being forced to be honest. Hvs aren’t visiting much. I think they already think I’m a bit neurotic to be honest.

That sounds tough OP . You sound like you are trying so hard with little support . Have you tried speaking to La Leche League ? If you feel you’d like to carry on they can offer practical help (via telephone and zoom ) . I was really struggling recently and spoke to them and they were so friendly and really knowledgeable. Google them or Facebook search for your local group x

Pmd you

Set an alarm to pump, your partner sounds unsupportive so don’t rely on him to wake you. Google ‘power pumping’ and give it a go if you haven’t already. The best stimulation for your supply is baby breastfeeding. Is baby not able to latch at all? Has he been checked for ties?

Firstly you need your partner to be supportive if you are going to breastfeed. Him feeding baby is totally undermining your supply, your boobs think they are needing to make less, so baby will be hungry. You need to express often to get your supply up. Every time he feeds the baby formula it is making your life more difficult. And when you are wanting to breastfeed, this is quite frankly pretty bad partner behaviour.

Why won't baby breastfeed directly? This is probably the biggest issue to sort out. Has baby been checked for tongue tie? If it's they feed but then are constantly hungry/unsettled reflux could also be issue.

You could try giving baby a small expressed bottle, and express some yourself to reduce letdown, then try and feed baby. Baby won't be frantically hungry, but still wanting more.

How old is your baby?
The formula top ups will definitely be affecting your supply. Why doesn't baby latch? Have they been checked for tongue tie? Have you tried nipple shields? It must be so hard at the minute with the lack of face to face support.

If its something you really want to do then your partner needs to get on board and support you better. He is sabotaging your feeding journey giving all that formula.

Having said this don't put too much pressure on yourself I'm sure you are doing a great job. Any breastmilk is better than no breastmilk and obviously babies thrive on formula aswell.

How old is your baby? Has anyone checked for tongue tie? How often are you pumping?

Call the National breastfeeding helpline for support. And contact your children’s centre (if you don’t know them the HV should give you details, ring them), as they will have breastfeeding counsellors and supporters who will be able to see you, either face to face or over video call.

National Breastfeeding Helpline (run by the Association of Breastfeeding Mothers and the Breastfeeding Network) – 0300 100 0212 Open 9.30am-9.30pm, every day of the year.

The National Breastfeeding Helpline also provides support via web chat at www.nationalbreastfeedinghelpline.org.uk and via Facebook messenger www.facebook.com/nationalbreastfeedinghelpline

I've struggled with both of mine to get them to latch so I used breast shields. Just an idea if you wanted to try and get baby on the boob instead of expressing.

MAM Nipple Shields Size 2 (Pack of 2), Breast Shields with Sterilisable Travel Case, Breast Protectors to Support and Enhance Breastfeeding https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B000R9PFPE/ref=cmswwrcppapifabccFbv9FbJD1DPR6?encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Baby can’t latch and I do appreciate the advice but we’ve tried everything, I’ve given up on actually getting him to take to the breast but I’d still like him to have breast milk.

Gave you tried the shields though? As they are just like a bottle teat?

My babies couldn't latch either but they worked for us

Yes!!

If you want to stop expressing then don't feel bad about it.

Honestly a happy baby is the most important thing. The fact that you've been expressing at all shows what an amazing mum you are!
It's so so hard, I had to do it for 2 weeks whilst my baby had surgery and that isn't long in the scheme of things but I still found it so difficult!

I had to give up BF my son at 3 months which was earlier than I had hoped but once I did it, it felt like a huge weight had lifted and I just feel proud that I even gave him 3 months of breast milk.

It's easy to feel sad/guilty if this wasn't your plan but please don't

I know it's a cliche but it really is true - a happy mum is a happy baby!

But I’m not happy that my choice to breastfeed is being taken away from me. I’m not happy my 3 week old is being shoved full of formula. I’m not happy about any of that.

Ah ok fair enough it's just in your OP you ask if you should just stop so I thought that's what you were asking.

If you want to continue expressing then you do need to do it every 3 hours - through the day and night.

With regards to your DH giving formula you need to talk to him about it but at the same time if baby is hungry and there is no breast milk available then I can see why he feeds him formula. If you manage to express every 2/3 hours and can build up a stock then he can start using this instead.

It's a very tricky one, I'm no expert on it by any means so it's still worth contacting lactation consultants - they can advise on expressing too.

To be honest having a 3 week old is f*cling hard. Really hard and everything you are feeling is normal. Another cliche I know but it does get easier I promise. Please try and give yourself a break. You are doing the best you can (and more IMO) and the fact you care shows what an amazing mum you are be kind to yourself.

Yes.

But he often isn’t hungry. He will have had a feed that’s more than enough. And he will keep on giving him formula because he’s still crying. Maybe my breast milk isn’t enough, I’ve no idea. I am expressing every two hours but whatever I do is not enough somehow.

And thanks but I’m not an amazing mum, I honestly regret having him, which is awful but only because he’s such an unhappy little baby.

Expressing is very hard as it does often feel like you are chasing your tail to keep up.
It is definitely worth contacting a professional to help you with this as people do manage to exclusively pump but I don't have enough experience to advise. There have been a few links shared above to people who will know more about doing this.

I think right now you just sound really overwhelmed and tired and that is so so normal.

I felt robbed of the chance of breastfeeding too. I never imagined that something that's supposed to be natural just wouldn't work! It felt like everyone around me could just pop their baby on the boob and I felt like I was a freak.

My DS is 3 now and I don't stress anymore about how long he had breastmilk or formula as it doesn't matter anymore. He's happy and healthy and that's all that matters.

@therestoomuchgoingon

And thanks but I’m not an amazing mum, I honestly regret having him, which is awful but only because he’s such an unhappy little baby.

This is so so normal to feel this way too.

Babies cry a LOT as this age. Even with my 2nd I felt this way and still didn't know what to do. I cried with her to the point I thought I had gone mad!!

At some point the fog does lift. She's 4 months old now and I couldn't be without her. It does happen! When they stop just being a little blob that doesn't seem to give anything back! It gets much more rewarding.

I honestly don't understand people who say the love the newborn stage, with both of mine I hated it!! From 6-8 weeks things start easing I promise.

Actually you are. He's 3 weeks old and you're knackered. It's bloody relentless so take a deep breath and realise you're at the coal face. It's ok to feel rubbish.

I'm not much use on the breast feeding side as I managed about 9 weeks then combination fed. Once I stopped feeling guilty about letting go and introduced some formula it got better and I was able to enjoy breast feeding in the night until about 4.5months.

Every baby is different. So long as he is fed try not to worry. I'm sure others will have better advice.

You are doing your best. That's just fine.

I had to give up bfeeding - lack of milk (colicky baby didn't help) but those around me (several decades ago) kept telling me I didn't have enough milk and to ffeed. But I now regret not just battling on doing both for as long as I could. Perhaps over the days/weeks baby and I might have calmed down a bit and it might have worked out. Even if it hadn't I'd have bfed for longer.

Can't he latch or won't he latch (i.e. is he refusing)? What was his gestation? Were there issues like jaundice etc?

I ask because my first refused to feed from me for the first month. He would manage it occasionally, so I knew he had a latch, but most of the time just wouldn't do it. He was born at 38 weeks, difficult labour and had jaundice needing phototherapy. With trying to latch him at every feed, followed by feeding a combination of expressed milk and formula, (I never managed to get huge amounts despite industrial levels of expressing) he eventually started to feed directly and we dumped the top-ups a month in and went on to feed for 4.5 years. But I wouldn't have managed without my dh's support. Your dh needs to stop undermining you on this (though obviously if he needs to be fed, he needs to be).

Could you consider a lactation consultant? Or a bf helpline as above.

There is a lot of good advice here but I don't think now is the time for you to hear it.

You are so tired and so overwhelmed. Take a breath, take a minute and come back to the thread when you feel up to it.

There's a way through, whether you manage to get baby to latch in the end, whether you manage to exclusively pump/Combination feed or just formula feed, no matter which one you end up doing it's ok. And you'll get through it.

Not enough people talk about how hard these days are in RL. On SM it's all pictures and gushing over how in love we are. But honestly the screaming, crying, feeding issues, feeling unattached to this little blob that just takes and takes and doesn't give anything back! These are all such common feelings. I found from the first smile is when I started to feel proper love and it increases as baby becomes more human and interacting with you.

I don't mean stop talking though - keep talking if it helps.

But don't worry right now about a solution to the feeding. Save that for when you aren't feeling quite so frustrated and hopeless.