To give up breastfeeding

[therestoomuchgoingon]

I know there have been a few on this theme but this is a bit different.

My baby won’t breastfeed so is fed expressed breast milk. I don’t express enough so have to top up with formula.

It’s all completely gone to pot and I don’t know what to do. Desperate for advice if anyone has any.

For one thing I’m finding it hard not to be really pissed off with partner who just constantly feeds him formula whenever he has him. I’ve kept a diary of his feeds and wees and poos: partner has him for an hour and in that time he’ll shove god knows how much formula down him.

He didn’t wake me to express so woke up covered in milk.

But the big problem is I can’t comfort baby when he cries as he smells milk on me and starts thrashing about.

What should I do - just stop and then at least might stand a chance of comforting him? Last night cried for six hours.

Is your OH also willing to speak with an IBLC and get fully on board with whatever plan seems best? It sounds like he wants the quick fix of formula feeding whereas breastmilk is important to you. It will be much easier if he is supportive of you.

It's OK to feel disappointed about this, some people choose to formula feed from the start and that's fine too but it's irrelevant to your feelings on the situation.

I think you need to have a proper conversation with your partner /husband and possibly the health visitor about feeding on demand and what that looks like at this age. There are other reasons for a baby to cry, not just hunger. Does your baby give feeding cues and is your partner confident in spotting them? Make a plan for how you might get ahead with the pumping to increase your stash. For example if your partner gave one formula feed, you could double pump at the same time then you've got one or two feeds ready for next time. You might need to use a bit of formula to help while you build up a stash, or I believe you can buy breast milk but no idea where. If you need to pump in the night, set an alarm.

Six hours crying must have been hard. Do you think something was wrong? Some babies are hard. At that age you must run through a checklist, nappy, hungry, wind, around in a circle!

Basically I think you need to agree a plan together so that you can work together. If you do decide to move to formula now or in the future then it can be more on your terms.

Hi @therestoomuchgoingon

I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. Feeding is hard!
Please get in touch with the hospital ASAP and ask for the infant feeding team. They will be able to help you. Find your local breastfeeding support group and join then on Facebook. If you have a little money, give a lactation consultant a call. They will be able to help you in all aspects of feeding; breastfeeding, increasing supply, expressing and formula. You are probably feeling regret because you haven’t found your feet with this. Feeding is HARD! Both you and your baby have to learn how to feed, it doesn’t just cone naturally to either of you in on the first month or so baby wants to eat, eat, eat. If baby gets a lot of bottle feeds then they can struggle to breastfeed, so if you want to have options you need to act fast but you don’t need to do this alone. People are out there to help, they will come to your home and support you as often as you need to get baby feeding in whatever way you want to.

My little man is 13 weeks and I have only just found out he has a terrible tongue tie which has been causing us loads of issues, but there is light at the end of the tunnel for me. No one tells you about how hard it really is; how anxious you are, how sleep deprivation really messes with your head, how lack of confidence can screw you up and how you worry from one moment to the next about feeding, sleeping etc.

You’re doing really well, you just need a little support to navigate this little hump, but you will get there. Ask for help, demand it. These people are there to help you. If you want to feed your little one breastmilk then you are more than entitled to do that no matter what your partner might be doing! Get some support and work together - you’ll get there I promise. If you want to chat at all then send me a PM. It’s so tough being a new mum and we need all the support we can get! Xx

Have you/partner/midwives etc established why you DC wont breastfeed? Both my DC had tongue ties but only my DDs was recognised and cut and it made a huge difference.

For me i can express but i can only imagine how tiring it would be to do it for every feed and if i dont apply a lot of pressure and get it at the right angle i dont produce as much milk as i would from a baby latching.

I didn't want to stop but i did and my mental health improved and I was happier.

You should contact your ob/gyn and ask for a ppd check

Firstly, you are a good mother whether you formula feed or breastfeed.

I'm posting the following info because you indicated you want to breastfeed:

Do your midwives/maternity services provide breastfeeding suppport? I found they were more helpful than the health visitors. Failing that, a private IBCLC registered lactation consultant would be helpful. I also found La Leche League (local groups can usually be found online or on FB) to be a fantastic source of support.
More here: www.nhs.uk/start4life/baby/breastfeeding/breastfeeding-help-and-support/

Has baby been assessed for tongue tie? That can often cause latch issues.

You probably already know this, however the formula told ups will be leading to a vicious circle with your supply. If you want to keep going, I'd advise to pump more and and anticipate each feed in advance. I appreciate that this is absolutely exhausting and not for everyone, though.

Finally, KellyMom is a resource recommended to me by a midwife and I've used it loads ever since my son (now 2) was a newborn:

kellymom.com/ages/newborn/bf-basics/latch-resources/

There is a lot of good advice here but I don't think now is the time for you to hear it.

You are so tired and so overwhelmed. Take a breath, take a minute and come back to the thread when you feel up to it.

This is excellent advice. I remember when my DS was 6 weeks old and I was sobbing my heart out because I thought I'd have to stop breastfeeding. In the moment it seems like a huge, insurmountable problem. I wish someone had told me to take a step back and focus on one little thing at a time. You won't crack it instantly. You and baby are both learning. Be gentle with yourself.

(Btw I'm still going despite the initial struggle, and believe me it was a real struggle, and DS is now over 2 years old...)

Christ, three weeks was brutal on both of mine, and they were both good feeders. Babies completely bewildered at this new world they've found themselves in, you're absolutely shattered, sore, bleeding, shredded nipples. I'm with the ones above who just don't get people who enjoy the newborn phase.

You'll get there OP, lots of good advice above. Whether it's breast, expressing, combination, formula, your baby will be fed and loved. The best mum I know formula fed all three of hers after a tough time trying to get breastfeeding established with her first, it matters so little in the long-term.

You've got this. I know it feels like you don't, but you do.

*At some point the fog does lift. She's 4 months old now and I couldn't be without her. It does happen! When they stop just being a little blob that doesn't seem to give anything back! It gets much more rewarding.

I honestly don't understand people who say the love the newborn stage, with both of mine I hated it!! From 6-8 weeks things start easing I promise*

This! I couldn’t agree any more. Thought I’d enjoy it more this time but I’m 5 weeks in and it’s still hard going having a new baby although it’s getting easier.

Also my first dc wouldn’t latch. Getting her to try was the most miserable 2 months of my life. The expressing is so tough. So no advice but my sympathy.

A supportive partner is very important. I had to tell DH that I wanted him to wake me/use EBF from fridge before formula, he understood that was important to me. Does it hurt? I ask as for me the first few weeks were very painful ( I only say this as finding out that this is the case for others helped- I thought I was bad dreading feeding). I used a "latch assist" to shape my nipples into a test shape- this meant my baby could get more breast in his mouth and not concentrate his sucking on the very end of the nipple. Also what bottles do you use? I use "Tommie Tippie" closer to nature as they get the baby to suck in a similar way to when breast feeding. These 2 things have really helped along with advice from HV and Midwives ( especially get as much breast in). I now breastfeed entirely , pain is gone. I express so DH can give some bottles a day and I get some sleep.

"teat" shape!

It doesn’t hurt at all, he won’t latch so I’m not technically breastfeeding although as I say he does have breast milk.

Do you want to try to breastfeed? It might still be possible but you'll need good support and a plan.

Or do you want to exclusively pump?
Or mixed feed?
If you're clear what you're aiming at, you can make a plan for achieving it. But I mean a flexible plan, because babies are buggers...

We can’t breastfeed. I’m having to exclusively express and top up with formula.

I haven't ever exclusively pumped so hopefully someone will come along who can offer better practical advice on that.

What I will say though is that at 3wks you're probably in the eye of the storm. You don't have a milk supply stash so you're relying on formula more than you'd like. Your little one is crying and your partners instinct is to offer a bottle. That's not wrong, but there could be other things to check on first. Is your partner alright with feeding cues, can you tell what you're looking for yet? I think you need to have a talk to your partners and make a plan.

I have been there with the emotions of feeding. My DD was exclusively breastfed for 5m then I switched to formula cold turkey. With my DS I was keen to avoid that so tried mixed feeding, but panicked about things and ended up switching to formula at 4 weeks. It does make me feel guilty, it's illogical but I can't help that. But logically, they're both happy healthy smart kids, aged 6 and 3.5 now.

If your baby is hungry and you don't have the expressed milk ready, then there is nothing wrong with giving formula. Try to use that time to pump, which will let you get a bit more ahead of demand for next time. By building up your stash, you could gradually phase formula out. However, there is absolutely nothing wrong with mixed feeding for the duration. In fact the person I know who kept up breast feeds the longest (over 2yo) mix fed her first baby from 2 months old and her second from 2wks due to being in NICU.

Breast feeding has lots of benefits but ultimately a baby needs feeding. We are lucky to be in an advantaged country, your little one will have every chance of a happy and healthy life however you end up feeding them for the first few months.

Be kind to yourself.

Be kind to yourself . Has your baby latched at all ( eg at hospital)? If no tongue tie etc how are your nipples shaped ( I ask as didn't realise I may have flat nipples compared to average- hence latch assist which I no longer). Look at the bottles could they be affecting how your baby is learning to feed?

My friend exclusively pumped for a year.
You can do this.
LLL will hopefully offer lots of very valuable support.

But most importantly, your partner needs to support you. He isn't. Formula feeding is undermining you and is harmful for your self-esteem as it's so important to you to breastfeed.
It's all well and good to say that you will be happier when baby is happier and if you let go of the notion you have about breastfeeding. The thing is, it IS important to you. So you must be helped to do it. And he must stop undermining you and people need to support you in your choice, not implicitly encouraging you to quit.

I have breastfed a lot and I know how important it is if it is one of the things which matters to you.

Breathe deeply and have a discussion with him and call your HV. You can call LLL. They'll have a 24/7 helpline where you are.

Most importantly, he needs to stop the formula. Also expressing is easier if your baby is being held by you skin to skin. Or even looking at a photo if your baby isn't there.

I am so sorry it's so hard. I do promise you that it will get easier. I promise