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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Pregnancy scan dilemma - AIBU

29 replies

crystalcastles · 05/01/2021 17:41

I'm due to have my 20 week scan next week and at present the hospital have said my husband can attend.

However we have a 2 year old who'll need looking after. My mum has said she'll do it but there a few things which make me unsure what to do:

She's a nurse, works with some Covid patients at community hospital.
My dad is also key worker but not so client facing (delivery driver).
She already childcare bubbles for my sister, looking after my niece once a week, will be having her this week, 5 days before she would come here.
Sis also childcare bubbles with her in laws and is still working.
Mum has been visiting elderly relative who is not in best health.

However, I had a missed MC found at 12 week scan earlier this year and have been anxious about attending scans alone.
Have also otherwise been v cautious about social distancing etc and not meeting people indoors.
My husband would like to attend scan with me and doesn't see the problem in mum caring for our little boy.
My son loves his grandma and hasn't seen her since before Christmas.

AIBU to say he should look after our son and I attend alone or should I accept the risks and ask my mum to come over? Any opinions appreciated!

OP posts:
Godimabitch · 05/01/2021 17:53

Honestly don't know. I had my scans alone and it was fine tbh, DH drove me and waited outside. I'd had a previous miscarriage but am feeling baby alot and have a low risk pregnancy with no issues so I wasn't extra worried, just normal level worried. But I wouldn't judge someone who did what you're suggesting.

How bad is your area and what's the hospital setup?

Jubaju · 05/01/2021 17:53

Well technically you can only have one childcare bubble, so you can’t use that excuse with your mum as she already has one.

But as an exception for the scan I’d say you’d be ok for a short time- could she take him to the park or walk or something to minimise risks further.

I had my 20 week scan on New Year’s Eve, there was hardly anyone there, no partners attended, it was fine- but I totally understand your fear due to your scan experience.

Hope it all goes well x

YoniAndGuy · 05/01/2021 18:03

I think the option of your mum meeting you outside and walking your little boy around for a bit, so not going into her house, is a good one.

AlexaPlayWhiteNoise · 05/01/2021 18:35

I'd choose my DM to look after my eldest child, but I've had a horrific 20 week scan (during last lockdown, so was alone) so would want my DH there for any future scans. If your DM is happy to take the risk then I'd jump at the chance.

Original poster
crystalcastles · 05/01/2021 19:34

@Godimabitch we're in the North, latest statistics show a tripling in cases during Christmas week...so not great but not as bad as some areas I think. The hospital are still willing to accommodate partners and last time we went everyone wore masks etc.
@Jubaju that's why I mentioned her already being in a bubble, as I thought it meant technically she shouldn't help us. The hospital is a bit of a drive away so it would probably end up being more like a couple of hours she would need to look after him. The park is feasible for some of that but she would probably need to bring him back home at some point.
@AlexaPlayWhiteNoise so sorry to hear you had a bad experience during the last lockdown. I feel if I did have a similar experience I would want my husband to be there. Its very hard to decide what's best risk wise, so thanks all for your opinions so far!

OP posts:
OoohTheStatsDontLie · 05/01/2021 20:03

Do you have any reason to believe there are any issues this time? Eg any issues at the 13 week scan or family history of genetic issues or increased risk factors such as your or your partners age? If not I'd probably go alone as the chances of anything going wrong where you need your husbands support, are probably less than the chances of your mum carrying covid, in some parts of the country. But then I went to most of my scans by myself due to my husband travelling so I might be looking at it from a different perspective

CrotchBurn · 05/01/2021 20:06

It's a scan, hardly a walk on the moon. He doesnt need to be there, YANBU

PrivateParty · 05/01/2021 20:28

I would want my man there.
They definitely wont let ur kid in with you too? They're usually exempt from the rules about how many people etc..

AntiHop · 05/01/2021 20:31

Under these circumstances, I would attend alone.

Iwonder08 · 05/01/2021 20:42

Take your husband with you, do whatever is best for you

Heyahun · 05/01/2021 21:02

Meh I’d totally just leave your son with grandparent don’t really see the issue tbh! Sure I worked at a nursery all through this while pregnant so was at risk all the time 5 days a week!

I’d have the husband attend the scan

Yummymummy2020 · 05/01/2021 21:12

I’m in the same boat but decided I will go alone. This is just for my own comfort after the scan so I don’t need to worry about my little one picking it up as my mum hasn’t been very careful and so don’t really want her minding her as I’m in a risk group. It’s a personal decision for everyone and whatever you chose I hope it goes well! I’m a bit nervous about our scan due to some issues but I’m hoping all will be ok as the idea of being alone for bad news is awful!

Rainb0wDrops · 05/01/2021 21:13

I'd leave little one with your mum. It's a one off to attend an important appt. Yes your DH doesn't have to be there but it's his baby too so if you can make it work I would.
I would be more cautious once in 3rd trimester when you're classed as high risk.

Christmasmum3 · 05/01/2021 21:45

I would drop the 2 year old off with your mum and like others have said suggest the park or garden if you are concerned over the risks . As well as being there as a support for you, scans are such an important bonding moment for your partner. They don't feel the baby move around like we do or experience the physical symptoms so physically seeing the baby moving around and hearing the heartbeat makes it all feel real for them. Covid has robbed us all of so much already, don't let it steal that special moment together for you guys too!

iolaus · 05/01/2021 21:47

You say the hospital is a distance so you would be gone too long for her to be in the park with him without taking him into her home

Is there a park near the hospital? If the weather is nice/dry is that an option for you? One near us has a helter skelter slide which my kids used to love (as the local parks didn't have the same) - I used to work there and a lot of people who had kids/grandkids visiting (this was precovid) used to take them over for an hour or so for a break (kids play park was directly across the road)

Rainb0wDrops · 05/01/2021 22:40

Also unless it's pouring with rain they could be outside for a few hours. We were out for 3.5 hours at the weekend, walking in woods, playing in park. Only time we went inside was to use the loos. It was about 2 degrees but we just wrapped up warm.

Moo678 · 05/01/2021 22:42

I’ve had a MMC picked up at 12 wk scan and had a MC during last lockdown for which I had to attend all scans alone. Both experiences were horrible. I’m currently 18 wks pregnant and there is no way I am going to my 20 wk scan alone.

I would get my mum to look after the toddler.

MaudHatter · 05/01/2021 23:12

I would attend alone

TheMobileSiteMadeMeSignup · 05/01/2021 23:16

@crotchburn well aren't you a delight.

Bookworming · 06/01/2021 09:16

I'd go for the mum walking him round the car park or local park.

Good luck.

ZoeTurtle · 06/01/2021 09:17

Wow, your mum is incredible irresponsible for a nurse.

Chuffinch4 · 06/01/2021 09:27

I’d get your mum to meet you at the hospital and walk your DS around or go to the park

Dia12 · 06/01/2021 09:33

@CrotchBurn

It's a scan, hardly a walk on the moon. He doesnt need to be there, YANBU
That's really cold and callous response to someone who is anxious because of her previous loss of a child. Your comment was completely unnecessary.
BrumBoo · 06/01/2021 09:45

I'm in two minds. I'm in a very similar position, have my 20 week scan coming up after a previous MC (though mine started a few days before my scan). I'm terrified as well, especially since I have an anterior placenta and still not feeling much despite my third (hopefully successful) pregnancy.

However, I'm not sure I could bring myself to leave the children with a nurse who works with covid patients, even though I would love my husband to be with me for support. As it is in my case, he's not allowed anyway. I do understand how you feel, and if it was any other public worker but a covid nurse, even in lockdown I'd say just do it. This just seems far too close to a potential spreading disaster though.

MatildaTheCat · 06/01/2021 09:58

I’d ask another person entirely to meet me outside the hospital.leave DC with that person and DH until you are actually called in for the scan then call him in. If possible coincide with either a nap or a time when DC will sit in buggy and eat snacks or nap.

It shouldn’t be more than 20 minutes before DH can go back out to relieve them. If you don’t know anyone who could help suggest this to your DM and ensure she socially distances as much as possible ie pushes buggy so DC is facing the opposite way.