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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another DM one...

26 replies

SaladforJan · 05/01/2021 09:25

I grew up with a perfectionist DM who made my life a complete misery.

DM has a very high opinion of herself. She genuinely believes that she is better than anyone else in all respects: beauty, education, cooking skills... you name it!

I used to love art. I may not have been good at it but I genuinely enjoyed it. I remember DM going through my art work and "correcting" my work before I would submit it. I once made a real life painting of a bunch of flowers and she went back and recoloured the petals. I had painted them in their real form, she went back and recoloured them.

Everything that I did, she would need to correct. She would add an accessory before I would go out. She would add spices to my dishes. She completely destroyed my self confidence. There are few things in life that I can still find joy in.

During lockdown, I have been sending photos of the DCs to family. Sometimes they are in PJs with hair unbrushed etc. Or it could be in a messy kitchen.

Every single time DM has to comment. You should not take photos with a light in the background. This hair parting does not suit DC. You can't take photos from this angle.

These are not studio or posed photos... literally life as it's happening.

I don't know why she does this. She does this to everyone. Other family members just ghost her. I don't have this option. What can I do?

OP posts:

BashfulClam · 05/01/2021 09:27

Stop sending her photos.

Robbybobtail · 05/01/2021 09:28

Have you asked her why she does this?

Why do you say you have no option of cutting her off? I wouldn’t tolerate someone so horrid in my life, mother or not.

Alexandernevermind · 05/01/2021 09:29

You do have the option. If she doesn't enjoy the photographs she doesn't deserve to be sent them.
You don't need her approval any more and it sounds as though you certainly aren't going to get it, which is a shame.

Aahotep · 05/01/2021 09:29

Have you ever talked to her about it? Or challenged her?

contrmary · 05/01/2021 09:44

Of course you can ghost her. You don't need her in your life if the negatives outweigh the positives. She won't change her behaviour, so just cut her out of your life.

Iknowwhatudidlastsummer · 05/01/2021 10:01

You could play DM bingo

Send a photo and make a list of all the "helpful" comments she is likely to come up with

Misshapencha0s · 05/01/2021 10:09

I sympathise. Would you be willing to challenge her behaviour? Maybe it is so ingrained in her that she is not aware. Can you think of her good qualities?
I would address it. Be direct but not confrontational. "I have noticed a pattern of behaviour and it makes me feel belittled etc. Are you aware of this?" Give her some time and space to digest as it will sting and her default will be defensive.
Hopefully she can start to make a conscious effort not to do this and to be aware when she is. It won't just stop, but maybe she can curtail it over time.

Good luck. Speak your truth. Give her a chance. It may be exactly what she had as a child.

I hope things work out eventually to a degree where you can enjoy her company.

PurpleMustang · 05/01/2021 10:42

Erm yes you do. You either just ghost her or confront her. Have you ever said anything to her before. If you think she would get the hint then I would either be subtle and say I will stop sending you pics as you always comment that you don't like them. Or you need to go down the blunt route. If she doesn't take it on board and continues then you have give her a chance and shouldn't feel guilty for ghosting her. I think you have a feeling of obligation. She is your parent, she doesn't have a right to rule or dictate your life. Would you let a friend do this? You are a fully grown functioning adult with kids. She has no control over you unless you let her. Think you need to look at the Toxic Parents book and the We Took You To Statley Homes thread. Ultimately she does it because you allow her.

FutureDuchessofHastings · 05/01/2021 10:48

Why do you put up with this? She's going to do the same to your children if you let her carry on. Politely pick her up on it every time. If she criticises the photos ask her why she feels the need to be negative about a photo of her grandchildren. If she continues just tell her straight that her constant negativity has done enough damage to you and you're not going to let her criticise your children too. Stop sending her photos. Let her ask why and tell her the truth - nothing is ever good enough for her and you've opted out of receiving any more of her criticisms.

Mrgrinch · 05/01/2021 10:56

You absolutely can and should ghost her. She's never going to change and you just need to accept that and act accordingly.

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 05/01/2021 10:58

Once my dm's criticism extended to my dc she was dumped... Calling them alternative names as she didn't like the ones I had chosen for example...

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/01/2021 10:59

YABU to yourself and your kids! You are not inly uting up wioth it but letting her pur the same acid on your children.

You need to look at your reasons for not being able to 'ghost' her. And whatver you decide to do you probably need to start looking for small ways to start challenging her behaviour adn actually welcoming the conflict... until you get braver, she gets the message or you cut contact and leave her to it!

Original poster

SaladforJan · 05/01/2021 11:01

Thank you all for taking the time to comment. I genuinely find it hard to deal with her. I think I used to be more rebellious as a teenager and then I just gave up and put up with it. She cries if things don't go her way. She will cry if I confront her.

@Iknowwhatudidlastsummer this is funny but yes, I could do this.

The photos are stopping right away. On one hand my dad keeps on telling me to send more photos because she enjoys them. On the other hand, she feels the needs to criticise all the time.

I genuinely cannot understand why anyone would act like this. Cutting contact altogether is not an option. I need to limit contact though.

OP posts:

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 05/01/2021 11:02

Start by not sending her any more photos!

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 05/01/2021 11:02

You do have the option.

You say she has destroyed your self confidence. What do you think she'll do to your children?

It breaks my heart to hear how you've spent your entire life thinking you just can't do anything right. You don't need to feel this way your whole life.

She doesn't deserve any pictures. Stop sending them and continuing this torture.

For what it's worth I send my parents photos of the dc pulling faces, blurry because they're jiggling around excitedly and in every possible unflattering situation. They love each and every one and always say how they look like they're having fun. I can't imagine it any other way.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 05/01/2021 11:05

Let her cry. Let your dad deal with her tears.

Don't feel sorry for him either, he has enabled her in this for the whole of your life. He finds it easier to let you and others bear the brunt of her behaviour than to deal with it himself.

Cut as much contact as you can. Do what feels best for you and your kids!

Original poster

SaladforJan · 05/01/2021 11:16

Thank you.

My DF puts up with her to keep the peace. It's really sad as I don't think that he is happy either. However, he should have protected me more a Child.

DM really lives in a world of her own. She comes from a very poor background, this does not excuse things. Yet, she goes on and on about her family heirloom and antiques.

She pulled herself out of poverty by marrying my DF. Now, she needs everyone around her to play their part in her upper middle class life fantasy.

No more photos for her.

I don't want the kids around her, I don't want them to go through what I have.

OP posts:

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 05/01/2021 11:29

Sorry op. I just reread my post. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I'm just so angry. Not with you of course!

I can't imagine what it must have been like to grow up in this.

Take care. We're always here if you need us

AcornAutumn · 05/01/2021 11:31

@SaladforJan

Thank you.

My DF puts up with her to keep the peace. It's really sad as I don't think that he is happy either. However, he should have protected me more a Child.

DM really lives in a world of her own. She comes from a very poor background, this does not excuse things. Yet, she goes on and on about her family heirloom and antiques.

She pulled herself out of poverty by marrying my DF. Now, she needs everyone around her to play their part in her upper middle class life fantasy.

No more photos for her.

I don't want the kids around her, I don't want them to go through what I have.

What will happen if you go NC?

Let her cry. Who cares. Let me guess, she threatens suicide? Who cares?

Godimabitch · 05/01/2021 11:39

I reply "well thanks for your expert opinion but I'm happy with it."

And with things like the cooking, dont let her taste while you're cooking and if she suggests spices say "hmm no I dont think that sounds very nice at all."

Instead of feeding into her idea that she improves everything she touches. Behave as though you're preventing her from ruining things and when she does ruin stuff, say it "I'm sorry guys, this curry was lovely but I turned my back for a second and mum was adding some paprika for some reason, it's still edible but not nearly as lovely."

twoshedsjackson · 05/01/2021 12:24

If the photos stop, she may ask why. Tell her that you didn't want to upset her by sending pictures that were not of a sufficiently high standard. If DF intervenes, flying monkey style, put your case to him; let him have the upset!

Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool · 05/01/2021 12:32

Tell dm you have enrolled in a photography course and after it has finished in 2022 you will be qualified to send her pics of her required standard... She can't argue with that surely?

blackcat86 · 05/01/2021 12:37

She sounds like my MIL who grew up so poor and neglected it became an ss issue. She also talks non stop about the value of items in her home, who should inherit what heirlooms etc. I believe its actually quite a narcissistic trait because she will talk over other people- e.g.DSS talking about his GCSE is suddenly interrupted by 'this necklace is worth £200'! FIl is also the enabler and I have little sympathy in that dynamic because ultimately the children lose. Have you had any therapy? There are also lots of books online for daughters of such mothers and the stately homes thread.

Original poster

SaladforJan · 05/01/2021 12:52

@Lockdownlovernotfromliverpool I literally spat out my tea, this is a really funny!

@blackcat86 I need therapy but I am not sure how or who to go through. I am nearly 40 though!

OP posts:

blackcat86 · 05/01/2021 13:02

You could ask your GP to refer you but you can afford it I would just Google counsellors in your area and find someone doing zoom sessions who you feel you connect with and who has experience in family/childhood issues. You also want to confirm that they hold genuine qualifications and have no bias towards keeping families together so you can safely explore what has happened.

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