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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A family problem

30 replies

thegreylady · 04/01/2021 16:12

Dh and I have 5 adult dc. 3 are his and two are mine. All have their own dc now. The problem relates to Christmas..
Two of them are out of the picture. One has fallen out with us and with my dc. The other lives abroad, brings gifts if he visits but doesn’t bother with Christmas unless he is here.
Up to now the other three have always exchanged gifts at Christmas. This year one (dh’s son) has only bought for us and their blood siblings. They have ignored my dd and her two dc who are the youngest in the family. She sent gifts for all of them. Dh’s other son exchanged gifts for all as usual.
We have been married for 32 years since all the kids were teenagers and have always tried to foster the idea of one blended family. I feel very hurt. Should I say anything to dss and his wife?

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 04/01/2021 16:15

Gift-giving of items of significant value among adults is ridiculous. Next year your DD won’t need to buy for them, and that is money saved and the environment less ruined.

StoopDragon · 04/01/2021 16:16

Christmas is expensive, 99% of children and parents do not need (or want) the gifts. Have a no gift policy. Spending random figure per person on a gift and times that by the number of people in the blended family is utter madness and consumerism at it's finest. Who wants a mass of small token gifts purchased simply to exchange?

StoopDragon · 04/01/2021 16:17

No say nothing, learn that the world is changing, it is not the 1980's any longer

5foot5 · 04/01/2021 16:23

Gift-giving of items of significant value among adults is ridiculous.

That is only your opinion. Not everybody agrees with you and if both sides want to exchange gifts there is nothing ridiculous about it. To suggest otherwise sounds like a very joyless approach to me.

However, having said that, if one party cannot afford or does not want to participate then there is nothing wrong with them opting out but if they do so they should make it clear well in advance that this is how they feel.

I think the issue here is that one of the DC has selectively bought for other family members in a way which creates a distinction that the OP hoped did not exist

5foot5 · 04/01/2021 16:25

99% of children and parents do not need (or want) the gifts

A statistic plucked out of thin air obviously

Original poster
thegreylady · 04/01/2021 16:26

I agree about the adults but the two youngest are 11 and 14, helped to choose gifts for their cousins and then were ignored.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/01/2021 16:31

If you choose to confront your stepson and his wife over this, I think you'll cause far more problems than it's worth. I would let this go.

Original poster
thegreylady · 04/01/2021 16:31

5foot5 that is exactly the problem.
I have always regarded all 9 dc as ‘ours’ even though only 3 are ‘mine’. I spend the same and care as much. Honestly I feel it is a rejection of all I have tried to do. I won’t say anything . I lied and gave the two youngest a small gift each and said they had been in our parcel from dss family. My dd knows the truth and I suggested she just quietly opts out in future.

OP posts:
Swingometer · 04/01/2021 16:31

Please don't get involved, they are all adults and able to decide where they draw the line with gift giving

My answer would be the same if all 5 children were shared between you and your DH

Gift giving between adults, their siblings (step/full/half/whatever) and their nephews/neices is outside your control and quite rightly so!

Original poster
thegreylady · 04/01/2021 16:32

Just to add the one who has ‘opted out’ is by far the wealthiest of the family.

OP posts:
Helga55 · 04/01/2021 16:33

What did your husband say about it?

MaskingForIt · 04/01/2021 16:36

@thegreylady

Just to add the one who has ‘opted out’ is by far the wealthiest of the family.
Probably because they don’t fritter their money away on pointless gift-giving and other ostentatious displays of consumerism. Good for them.
MadameButterface · 04/01/2021 16:40

The time to have the ‘what are we doing about presents’ conversation is before christmas, not after. Leave it this year, coming up to next year, depending on how things have been for everyone financially etc, have a conversation in the lead up about what to do, eg just buy for the children, or all the adult dc do a secret santa for each other, and all the cousins do the same, or something else.

parietal · 04/01/2021 16:42

I think gift giving at Christmas is about the exchange. A gives to B and B gives to A. If A and B both decide not to do gifts, that is fine. But it should be discussed & planned so no one feels left out.

I would probably not do anything right now, but maybe next year (say November), you or your left out DD should ask the DSS if their family want to receive gifts or opt out for the year. Then at least everyone knows where they stand.

Lucieintheskye · 04/01/2021 16:43

It's been a difficult year and it sounds like there are lots of gifts to be bought in your family! It's not always everyone's first priority to buy gifts for everyone if they are distracted by, yanno, a pandemic, general life, having kids, having bitchy parents who put pressure on everything being equal and perfect for one day a year

VettiyaIruken · 04/01/2021 16:44

They are all adults.
Leave them to sort it out.

picklemewalnuts · 04/01/2021 16:47

Was any element of logistics involved? We're they all expecting to see each other, or were some assuming others wouldn't be around?

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/01/2021 16:48

@thegreylady
Just to add the one who has ‘opted out’ is by far the wealthiest of the family

I detest when ppl make this remark to put down someone else. You will have no idea of their finances both incoming or outgoing, so its just a snide remark, which actually backfires and makes you look petty and ignorant.

MadameButterface · 04/01/2021 16:48

“It's been a difficult year and it sounds like there are lots of gifts to be bought in your family!”

Exactly, op also doesn’t mention if there are step or half siblings on the mum’s side too. I can easily imagine it would have been too much this year, wealthy or not. There’s no point saying anything now because what’s done is done and it will only cause bad feeling. One person falling out and going no contact is more than enough for one family i should think.

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/01/2021 16:52

If I am correct what you are saying is that this family should spend more at christmas, despite the fact that two of the DC either dont buy anything or only when they are in the country.

TabithaTowers · 04/01/2021 16:55

I stopped buying for my brother and his wife when we moved abroad 17 years ago. It was a mutual arrangement with a discussion as noted by a PP.

I only buy for my nephew (adult but with special needs) and my parents.

My husband the same, he has 2 brothers and 2 sisters, plus their kids - blended family like the OP. He doesn't buy for any of them.

katy1213 · 04/01/2021 16:59

It's nothing to do with you. They are adults and can manage their own relationships.

Beautiful3 · 04/01/2021 17:03

Let it go and step back. Let your daughter decide to end gifts with him and his children. Dont get involved.

2bazookas · 04/01/2021 17:21

Yes, you could tactfully ask if they are in financial trouble, worried about losing their jobs, falling behind on the mortgage, saving for their child's education or a private operation etc.

This year all years, there are plenty of reasons some people can't afford presents.

Apollo3 · 04/01/2021 17:23

have always tried to foster the idea of one blended family. I feel very hurt

Did you ever ask the children if they wanted to be a blended family, or if they felt like their step siblings were siblings? It's not all about you.

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