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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel this way?

32 replies

Candycrush426 · 03/01/2021 17:57

My husband and I have been struggling to conceive for nearly three years. His sister had announced today as a surprise infront of the family that she is expecting. I am over the moon for her and her partner. But at that moment I wanted the ground to swallow me up I felt I couldn’t breathe, felt sick and wanted to cry. I don’t know how I did it but I persevered and congratulated them both. I sat in the same room for 30 minutes. My husband made an excuse that we had to leave because he knew how overwhelming it was for me.

I’m dreading the next 9 months. I’m dreading the questions where people ask when we’re having kids.

I just wish she gave me a heads up before and I would’ve been prepared. As I’m writing this my hands are shaking.

I’m over the moon for them and they have every right to have surprised their family in the way they did. But I felt the worst way and I’ve just cried since then.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/01/2021 17:59

Of course not. And I’m so sorry for your struggles Flowers

KatieKat88 · 03/01/2021 18:24

YANBU at all and it was so gracious of you to pretend. Do family know you've also been trying/having issues?

Hankunamatata · 03/01/2021 18:25

Does family know your trying for 3 years?

coffeewithmilk · 03/01/2021 18:27

YANBU at all. This is the exact same with me and my husband. We've had 4 losses in 2020 and I really struggle when I see any pregnancy announcements. It usually ends with me being in tears and thinking of how unfair life can be sometimes.
I'm sorry x

Duckduckduck123 · 03/01/2021 18:36

It's bloody hard for you Flowers

Original poster
Candycrush426 · 03/01/2021 19:46

Yes everyone is aware and have been aware of treatments we have been undergoing.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 03/01/2021 20:23

Ah, if they’re aware of your struggles that puts a slightly different spin on things for me. She should have told her brother or you directly if you have that relationship, to prepare you. Or at least, not announce it in front of you. That was (hopefully inadvertently) callous.

Terracottasaur · 03/01/2021 20:33

I’m so sorry OP ❤️ That must have been so hard.

jessstan1 · 03/01/2021 20:35

Well done you for putting on a good face, that was the right thing to do. You will get used to her pregnancy, honestly.

I do hope you become pregnant before long.
Flowers

zzizzer · 03/01/2021 20:36

Flowers Yanbu. Well done on getting through it and hopefully you won't have to be too involved in the coming months.

I think some people just cannot guess at how infertility can make you feel - to be honest, before I went through it, I didn't and even now I don't understand why sometimes its agony and others its not too bad.

Weirdly enough I find it easier once the babies have been born - maybe because they become little people and clearly not the baby you fantasise about havng? I'm not sure.

HumphreyCobblers · 03/01/2021 20:39

Gosh well done for being so brave.

Given that they know of your struggles. I think they were breathtakingly insensitive to spring it on you like that. Would have been better to let you know quietly and ‘surprised’ the rest of the family when you weren’t there. But you behaved beautifully and bravely said all the right things YANBU to feel any way you want right now.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 03/01/2021 20:41

She shouldn’t have sprung it on you like that but people really lose their heads at times like that and it’s all they can think about! The weekend I was having a miscarriage and waiting for the EPU scan (my friends knew this) one of them posted their early pregnancy scan on the WhatsApp group thread 🤦🏻‍♀️

BlueSuffragette · 03/01/2021 20:44

Sorry OP that sounds really tough but like you handled it really well. Best of luck to you in the future x

BlueThistles · 03/01/2021 20:48

@BlueSuffragette

Sorry OP that sounds really tough but like you handled it really well. Best of luck to you in the future x

Yes.. you should be proud of staying there for the time you did... very hard day and I feel terrible for you 🌺

I wish you the best for the year OP.. good good luck I your own journey

2020iscancelled · 03/01/2021 20:49

Well done for being so strong and allowing your sister to have her moment.

You’re not unreasonable for feeling this way, it is perfectly understandable.

I’m sorry she didn’t give you a heads up, perhaps she didn’t know how to approach it (grabbing at straws here...)

Infertility is so so hard Flowers

shhsecretsquirrel · 03/01/2021 20:50

YADNBU so sorry for you. It's hard for everyone in these situations - I had an ectopic pregnancy and needed surgery and our very goods friends recently announced they are due on the day I would have been. Although I was and am thrilled for them, part of me was screaming inside at the unfairness, and I know it will all come to the surface again when their baby is born. I think they should have given you a heads up, but maybe they didn't want to make "a thing" of it?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 03/01/2021 20:57

@Candycrush426

Yes everyone is aware and have been aware of treatments we have been undergoing.
Then it was incredibly insensitive of them. They should have told you privately & had the big surprise with the rest of the family

I'm sorry you're struggling TC & I'm very sorry they've been so bloody insensitive 💐

Best of luck getting your BFP X

Cornettoninja · 03/01/2021 21:05

People just don’t get how deep infertility cuts you.

When we were ttc (years) the only pregnancies that really upset me like this were family ones. I could cope with the brief stab whenever friends or colleagues conceived but the family ones cut me to the core. Maybe because the expectation of my role was different or envy that the family was expanding but not with my baby.

It’s really hard, feel what you need to feel right now, it’s all part of processing it and reaching a place you can take some pleasure in being an aunt to your sisters baby.

YakkityYakYakYak · 03/01/2021 21:06

You were not unreasonable at all to feel like that. I think they were inconsiderate to have dropped it on you like that, and it sounds like you were very gracious. So sorry Flowers

Original poster
Candycrush426 · 03/01/2021 23:41

I definitely feel a heads up would’ve have been better for me. My husband took me out the home and that’s given me a chance to just breakdown and build myself back up. I think I’m upset because she hasn’t even asked to see how I am after the announcement. I’m not sure if I’m expecting too much. The rest of the family have checked in on me and that has helped amazingly just said she hasn’t

OP posts:
Haggertyjane · 04/01/2021 09:06

She sounds a selfish thoughtless bitch. It would have taken no effort to let you k ow ahead of this.

Original poster
Candycrush426 · 04/01/2021 09:18

Thank you all for your kind words. It’s been really warming to read and had made me feel hopeful. I didn’t sleep all night my mind was working in overtime. Here’s to hoping 2021 is my year. Star

OP posts:
Puffalicious · 04/01/2021 09:32

I don't think she's a 'selfish bitch' just excited and thinking of pleasing the wider family. I'm truly sorry for your worries but you can't let it cloud everything. My sister struggled for 10 years and lost 4 babies before having her child through IVF; my SIL tried for 7 years before then having her 2; meanwhile my other sister and I always got pregnant in the blink of an eye. As a family we all kept talking and supported each other, there's no other way through it. Contrastingly, a work colleague was clearly hurt and angry and left the room every time I entered when I was pregnant for my first. It made me feel awful and really affected my enjoyment of that pregnancy.

I'm crossing everything that you get the precious pregnancy you both want.

BigPlanes · 04/01/2021 09:41

She should have told you privately. She won’t understand what it’s like dealing with infertility, it’s insensitivity from having no experience of it.

SmellyPooHead · 04/01/2021 09:42

It was thoughtless of her to do that, I think you handled it incredibly well . I hope you get everything you wish for in 2021