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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you know your marriage is over?

47 replies

Applepea1 · 03/01/2021 14:19

So we aren't actually married but have lived together for 11 years and have a child and have children from previous relationships. My previous relationship ended after our baby was born and my partners aggressive and addictive behaviour led to him being violent. That was a good reason. This time though I just don't know, I'm not happy, it doesn't feel right, it's affecting our daughter, we've had therapy in the past. But it's a huge thing, a massive change, how do i know for sure? How did you know?

OP posts:

bluebeck · 03/01/2021 14:21

I knew when instead of thinking "Oh Wow! X is home!" when his car pulled onto the drive, I thought "Oh, you again.....shit."

Londonnight · 03/01/2021 14:24

@bluebeck, are you sure you aren't me?? That is exactly how I felt and I knew it was the end.
For us there was no one else, no DV or anything, I think we just out grew each other and it got to a point where I really didn't like him.

Chaby · 03/01/2021 14:26

When I could no longer bear to kiss him or touch him. And I would work late to avoid coming home and spending time with him.

Plonque · 03/01/2021 14:27

All of the previous three comments 👍🏼

KeyboardCat · 03/01/2021 14:28

I divorced my ex this year, my lightbulb moment was when he took the vows I wrote for him to keep from his wallet and burned them in the sink.

I'm in a much better place now, it's been so bloody hard as I have 2 young children but it's better to have 2 happy homes than 1 miserable one. It's really hard to know, but I think gut instinct is a huge warning. Love and strength to you

Bubblemonkey · 03/01/2021 14:29

I think if you’re asking this question, it’s over

Sazlock · 03/01/2021 14:33

When I started dreading coming home.
When I no
longer felt like listening to another round of “I’m tired”
When I got bored of being told I’d be in the gutter without him and no one else would find me attractive.
When I couldn’t bear to have sex.
To be honest though OP I just knew. For a long time before I did anything about it. I knew.

Original poster

Applepea1 · 03/01/2021 14:39

Thanks, I think him working from home doesn't help, we rarely get a break. My daughter asked me the other day why I was more fun when daddy wasn't here, that's what really got me thinking seriously about it and I realised I'm always tense around him.

OP posts:

Skatastic · 03/01/2021 14:40

We had a series of blazing arguments and after one of them I just thought no. Off you fuck you lazy cunt. Threw him out that day and life was so much better.

Spied · 03/01/2021 14:43

When you dread him being on holiday from work and brighten up knowing he's back at work tomorrow.
When you find yourself wri

Spied · 03/01/2021 14:44

Writing a list of the pros and cons and you just can't think of a pro.

When you fantasise about what next Christmas could be like without him.

Plonque · 03/01/2021 14:46

When you fantasise about what next Christmas could be like without him.

Yep, done a lot of that this week. Just fantasising in general about having my own space that I've chosen every last lamp, cushion and spoon of without the built in misery guts putting the damper on everything.

Plonque · 03/01/2021 14:47

I haven't taken the plunge yet by the way op. I've made the decision, I just haven't ripped that damn plaster off yet.

Spied · 03/01/2021 14:48

@Plonque

You're not alone

movingonup20 · 03/01/2021 14:50

It's not usually a sudden thing, it's when you realise you are just treading water. Nothing was actually wrong, it's just nothing was exciting, and when he was away on business trips I felt free. He left me in the end so I even got to be the "aggrieved" party but my life has been amazing since despite a bloody pandemic

Whatisthisfuckery · 03/01/2021 14:51

Not married but together 7 years.

I knew when I just couldn’t bring myself to even hug her, let alone anything else. I’d be cheerful until she entered the house, then my mood would dip so much that it was remarked upon.

It’s hard ending a relationship but sometimes they just go on too long.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 03/01/2021 14:52

I sort of agree with the "if you have to ask" comments above.
However if your previous relationship ended because of partners violent behaviour that started around the time your baby was born, if there's nothing specific now, are you sure that the birth of your child with current partner isn't triggering old insecurities?

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 03/01/2021 14:52

@Plonque

When you fantasise about what next Christmas could be like without him.

I could have written this. It's like having my own personal Dementor following me round sucking the joy out of everything.

movingonup20 · 03/01/2021 14:54

@Spied
Or worse still, wonder what would happen if his plan came down when on a business trip felt bad about it for the kids but it would have been a way out. Still feel guilty for that thought

Hailtomyteeth · 03/01/2021 14:56

Four year old dd and I would look at each other in dismay when we heard his car approaching.

Then one evening a man phoned to say my husband was sleeping with his girlfriend.

Yay! No, it was very upsetting but at least we could see the back of him.

Peace43 · 03/01/2021 14:56

As others have said, when I started sucking in my tummy in the kitchen so I didn’t accidentally make contact with him. He wasn’t abusive it was just that having him in the house sucked all the joy out of my day!

sorrygru · 03/01/2021 15:00

When I woke up from a vivid dream that we had divorced and realised the prick was still lying in bed next to me. I was devastated.

When I'd do anything, literally anything, to avoid having sex with him.

When my heart used to sink at the sound of his car pulling into the driveway.

When he'd stay out late at night getting pissed with his mates and instead of listening for his key in the door I'd pray for a knock from police.

Been divorced from the abusive arsehole for two years now. I've since met the absolute love of my life and I have never been happier.

Plonque · 03/01/2021 15:04

and for everyone, we'll get through it.

I'm doing Dry bastard January so no for me for the time being

lyingwanker · 03/01/2021 15:05

@movingonup20 I've had lots of these thoughts too and I feel so guilty for it. My husband moved out yesterday and the relief is amazing, the whole house feels lighter and free-er.

Mummysgonetobed · 03/01/2021 15:07

My marriage ended this week. For me, it was the feeling of couldn’t bear him being near me and knowing that my life would be soooo much nicer without him. I’m only 5 days in but I’m already happier, we’re still sorting practicalities out for the dc but it’s such a relief when he’s not here.

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