To ask how you know your marriage is over?

[Applepea1]

So we aren't actually married but have lived together for 11 years and have a child and have children from previous relationships. My previous relationship ended after our baby was born and my partners aggressive and addictive behaviour led to him being violent. That was a good reason. This time though I just don't know, I'm not happy, it doesn't feel right, it's affecting our daughter, we've had therapy in the past. But it's a huge thing, a massive change, how do i know for sure? How did you know?

Why are you tense around him?

You MUST read the book:

Too good to leave, too bad to stay by Mira Kirschenbaum

It will go through various areas in your marriage and help you arrive at a conclusion whether its worth saving or not. Excellent book for just this dilemma.

@Applepea1

Thanks, I think him working from home doesn't help, we rarely get a break. My daughter asked me the other day why I was more fun when daddy wasn't here, that's what really got me thinking seriously about it and I realised I'm always tense around him.

I think you need to have a good conversation with him about how you feel and find out how he feels. You've been together for eleven years, it's worth delving a bit before calling it a day. Certainly being cooped up together at the moment doesn't help.

Good luck whatever you do.

I don’t think it is always easy to know for certain.

About 25 years ago I seriously considered ending our marriage. Number of complicated reasons, but at the time I felt I no longer loved him and we had grown very far apart. I just couldn’t sum up the courage to leave, but what stopped me in my tracks was the thought of his pain, and thinking about how he would feel. Gradually it dawned on me that I still cared enough about him to try and mend our marriage.
For us, it worked and I’m glad we stayed together - he is my best friend and we have had many happy years together.
But only you can make the decision- love and relationships change - there isn’t always certainty.

When I got sick of his whining about his imaginary illnesses.
When I heard him say that he would be okay because I would push him about in a wheelchair when he got older.
When his mother died and he actually wailed that he was an orphan, he was 54 years old.
When he said that he was dying and I really wished that he would just get on with it and that I really really loathed and detested him and he made me feel sick.

My friend told me when she could not even be bothered to argue with him. Finding out he was unfaithful down the road did not bother her at all.

I'm not happy, it doesn't feel right, it's affecting our daughter, we've had therapy in the past.

It's over.

For me, it was a cancer scare. I came home from a hospital appointment, looked at my husband and thought if I'm going to due in the next 5 years need to live now. Asked him to leave 2 days later.
I was given the cancer all clear 2 weeks so win win 😁

Die not due 😠

I cried a lot and I'm not much of a crier. Felt generally miserable and bad about myself. Being around him wasn't fun, we never laughed together. I started to wish he'd have an affair so I had what I perceived to be a valid reason to leave him. Eventually he had two. When he was gone I wished I'd left him five years sooner. Everything improved without him and I became a much better person.

I'm in the same boat, nothing is obviously wrong but clearly something is from my side.

I don't want to spend time with him, don't have any desire to touch him, even a hug, relief that the holidays will be over and I get my space back, wouldn't care if he had an affair or slept with someone else.

I told him how I felt a few months back, he was devastated so we agreed to try harder and spend time together. The only trouble was I didn't actually want to and I felt suffocated and smothered.

I'm still in the same position and don't know what to do. He's not happy because I'm so distant, it's not fair on him living like this. He is a good person on the whole and he deserves more than what I'm giving him. I just haven't taken the plunge yet because I have nowhere to go and I'm scared of the unknown. My life would be easier if I stayed, we have a nice house in a nice area, can afford a bigger one in future years, I don't have to worry about money and he's on hand for a chat or to help with the kids. If I leave I'll end up renting a tiny house where the kids will never have their own rooms and I'll have to rely on benefits to top up my wages.

People manage, there are single parents all over the world but it's that fear of the unknown and upsetting everyone.

@Plonque

I haven't taken the plunge yet by the way op. I've made the decision, I just haven't ripped that damn plaster off yet.

I’m waiting too.

When my DS, then 9 asked “why does Daddy never kiss you or hold your hand?”

It was over years before that but when my son said that to me it was the final nail in the coffin. I was not going to let my two DS think this is how a woman is to be treated in a relationship and this is what “normal and healthy” is.

Watch Daniel Sloss "Jigsaw" on Netflix.

I realised I'm always tense around him.

@Applepea1

This isn't a sign of just 'outgrowing' or 'falling out of love' with someone. This is indicative of someone whose behaviour is negatively affecting you.

Can you put your finger on exactly why you're tense around him?

@Ohthatoldchestnut

Watch Daniel Sloss "Jigsaw" on Netflix.

I'll look it up, thanks.

Never married but was with someone for 14 years - found myself wishing he would cheat on me so I had an “excuse” to leave him.

For me it was when I couldn't choose a "For my boyfriend" Christmas card as they were all expressing emotions I just didn't feel any more.

It took me a while to actually end it but not being able to pick a card as they all made me realise that I'd be lying if I gave him one of those, that was the moment I realised it was over ....

@mightbealittlebitmad, yes this is me. We are not married so I don't know what I'll end up with. At the moment we have a lot of money but it's mainly from his dad's inheritance. I'm worried about my eldest dd losing the financial security she's used to as she's not his, at the moment we are paying for her university. We have a fancy holiday booked in July, nice house etc. I wish I could be happy with everything I have, I wish I could be happy with him, I'd love him to be my best friend, but I'm not.

[quote Applepea1]@mightbealittlebitmad, yes this is me. We are not married so I don't know what I'll end up with. At the moment we have a lot of money but it's mainly from his dad's inheritance. I'm worried about my eldest dd losing the financial security she's used to as she's not his, at the moment we are paying for her university. We have a fancy holiday booked in July, nice house etc. I wish I could be happy with everything I have, I wish I could be happy with him, I'd love him to be my best friend, but I'm not.[/quote]
It's hard isn't it. It's hard for me because I view him as a friend, we've been together 14 years so we are close. He makes me laugh but at the same time I feel angry with him over the smallest of things and I have no desire to do anything, even snuggle on the sofa.

That desire is in there, I just don't feel it for him and I don't know if it would ever come back.

Thinking further about it I think I only realised just how wrong it was when I left him and then a couple of years later met my current partner. He really is my other half, best friend, soulmate and it took meeting him for me to realise why my relationship with my ex was so wrong.

For me it was when we where watching a movie and a sex scene came on
I remember thinking ‘I need to have sex with someone else-I don’t care who with,just not him’
That was my lightbulb moment-took another 15 months to get the abusive narc to leave-but I refused sex from that moment on and told him it was over
Am much happier with my new partner and don’t even think about sex with anyone else