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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am insecure about his ex but it's not her fault

34 replies

Katipops · 03/01/2021 13:40

The person I'm involved with split from his ex two years ago almost. He claimed they were like brother and sister. No sex life in the end. They have remained friends. So she calls round for a cuppa.

He left their home a year ago with nothing and she kept their dogs. When we had been dating a week he told me she still goes around for coffee or meals occasionally. I was ok with it until he asked me if it would make me a little jealous. He went on to say it would show him what he meant to Me if I was a little. I didn't react the best and told him that no way was I ever going to be in some childish triangle feeling threatened by another women. We sorted it.

I went around his house and there's several photos on the wall of him kissing her at a wedding 8 years ago. In frames. So he moved out and choose to put her pictures up in his fresh start home. He says he has taken them down now but I've not been around since that claim.

She wanted to see him christmas eve for a cuppa. He was busy. But he told me after Christmas she had asked but he hadn't seen her. He then went on to tell me she had been asked on a date by an actor who was from a soap on Tele at one point. He then sarcastically said he didn't care they could do what they wanted and she could find something more boring to do than go for a drink with him. It just sounded childish. Later that night I asked him if he was sure things are over with his ex and he's fully ready to move on. He told me she was no threat and he'd never go back there.

I borrowed one of his t shirts when I stayed over for bed. He said I was the first women to ever wear his clothes. But I've seen on Facebook his ex wearing his football strip and posing. He asked me if I wanted him to delete her pictures. I said they were his memories and nothing to do with me. He said I was right they were also his history not just memories. I don't think he should delete their holiday photos etc. But perhaps it would be respectful to me if the more intimate ones were at least locked down.

I did an online tarot reading entertainment thing for a zoom party for friends last night. This tarot reader pulled out awful cards about a man I was involved with. She told me to be careful because he could be comparing me unfairly to a past women. She said our relationship would be rocky and have arguments etc but his intentions with me are to make it long term. How did a total stranger pick this up? I thought it would be a laugh not real.

Finally. I'm 33 with kids. She's 37 without kids and a career. So they did the holidays abroad and the meals out. When we first started dating he wanted to take me to the place they went. He's obsessed with the country they visited together. Last week he changed his profile picture to an old photo of him on a holiday that was from their time together.

Now I am ok with the friend thing. But I'm starting to feel he's not over her. I don't see her as a threat at all. But I don't like the thought of him wanting me to be her. I am very different and sometimes I think she's a little more attractive than me too. I just feel like all the signs are there.

Please be nice and tell me if this sounds normal?

OP posts:
bluebeck · 03/01/2021 13:42

How long have you been dating? He sounds immature to me. If you were my friend I would be advising you to dump.

Yeahnahmum · 03/01/2021 13:44

You sound like you are 13 not 33. And this man you're involved with should be kicked to the curb. Surely you can see that too right? Just reread your op, op

Daisysflowers · 03/01/2021 13:45

I’m sorry but I would finish it. I wouldn’t like to be in a relationship where he obviously compares his current girlfriend to his ex. Also the way your post reads it doesn’t sound like he has a great attitude either.

You could do betterFlowers

SomeoneInTheLaaaaaounge · 03/01/2021 13:46

Soooo I would not like any of this. It feels massively like game playing. In a relationship you really want to feel like the other person is on your side.

How long have you been together? It sounds like this is taking up quite a lot of headspace.

Honestly I would probably end it and if I was feeling so uncomfortable. He doesn’t sound like he is on your side.

DrManhattan · 03/01/2021 13:49

Wouldn't be for me. He seems really childish

Katipops · 03/01/2021 13:53

We got involved in march and then it's gradually got stronger the last few months.
I just feel after two years there shouldn't be a trace of her really. Yes perhaps Facebook. He's always said he felt different with me. Like stronger feelings. Our sex life is good. He said she started going away with friends and stuff and she left him behind so they fizzled out due to wanting different things. I just wonder sometimes if it was more her that wanted rid of him. But then they both seem to fill eachother in on new offers. Which I find bizarre. I don't feel you need to tell an ex two years later you've started to move on. Especially as they have no ties.

I feel like all the signs are there.

OP posts:
Dutch1e · 03/01/2021 13:53

I'm honestly not surprised there was no sex life at the end of their relationship. She probably found it difficult to be attracted to that kind of childish behaviour.

You really do deserve better than this rubbish.

LouHotel · 03/01/2021 13:54

I'm your age, dont you feel too old for this mind game shit? The guy is wanting drama in the relationship and to cause a reaction. No doubt if you did react he'd then get to discuss with his mates about his crazy jealous girlfriend, he might be anyway.

Honestly walk away, most men in their thirties are past this shit.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 03/01/2021 13:56

You've posted about this before haven't you?

bloodyhairy · 03/01/2021 13:57

YOU sound totally normal, but your boyfriend doesn't. I don't think he's in the right headspace for a new relationship.
Thanks

Katipops · 03/01/2021 13:58

He's in his 40s. So that's even worse.

It is absolutely childish and it's playing on my mind at the moment. I don't want to have a problem with her. But if he can't let go of her cute pictures from years ago he can't be over her.

OP posts:
Winterwoollies · 03/01/2021 14:00

Gosh I’m really surprised at the ages. I thought he was going to be in his early 20s!

HaudMaDug · 03/01/2021 14:02

Don't be the cool/fool girlfriend OP.
Your right its not the ex's fault but he's an arsehole and it's him making you insecure.
He's mentioning this stuff to make you jealous. Don't rise to it, just get rid.

LightDrizzle · 03/01/2021 14:04

It sounds like he is purposely using her to create insecurities in you. It all sound stage-managed; the opposite of you coming across things he has tried to conceal. Your lack of initial jealousy has prompted him to up the ante.
He sounds insecure, immature and a little unkind. I could be arsed with it all.
He wants you to be jealous. Yawn.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 03/01/2021 14:10

He is the issue here. I don't think that a previous partner should be wiped from existence so to speak and I understand you haven't asked him to take all photos down but in general even thinking about removing past intimate photos isn't on. I used to have my wedding photos of exdh and o kissing on my Facebook and I wouldn't have removed them if I hadn't deleted my account.

Having said that I think hes curated that feeling in you. It's not ok to want your partner to be jealous. He should be seeking to make you feel loved and safe and ressured (to an extent).

Honestly he simply is not worth it. He has issues , whatever they are and you deserve better. Never will I stay in a relationship where I feel second best , it simply means that is not the relationship for me.

Stop with the analysing ,Stop with the debating. Walk away. Anyone who plays silly games is not your person.

CallistoSol · 03/01/2021 14:13

It all sounds utterly tedious and childish. How you can bear to play along is beyond me.

Meowchickameowmeow · 03/01/2021 14:16

He's trying to create drama and play you off against her. I agree that he sounds really immature.

B33Fr33 · 03/01/2021 14:17

Tarot is for mugs and children . Grow up. If you don't like the guy, leave. It all sounds tedious.

Custardcream67 · 03/01/2021 14:21

There are no ties between then such as children etc. I would expect this relationship to have fizzled out after two years.
Having photos up of them both in his new place is off putting enough.
Seems like too much drama. It should be easier that this and for that reason, I think you should end it with him.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/01/2021 14:21

@Meowchickameowmeow

He's trying to create drama and play you off against her. I agree that he sounds really immature.
He wanted you to be jealous, when he asked you if you would be jealous. He actually enjoys it, which is really rather sinister, rather than just being childish. Most children don't play mind games. He is a nasty twat. You're not married to him, you don't have children together, you don't live together. Seem them hills, that way? >>>>>>
Cocomarine · 03/01/2021 14:21

Apart from anything else, he just sounds tiresome. I could not be bothered with all that. Wanting you to be jealous? Fuck that.

Thingsdogetbetter · 03/01/2021 14:22

Somewhere along the line he has associated jealousy with caring and love. He told you as much. You didn't get jealous so he's playing games to try and make you jealous. To him it means you care. He's triangulating you with his ex and pushing and pushing you to be insecure and show jealousy. He'll keep upping the games until you do get jealous (and then probably tell you you're insecure and irrational).

It's emotionally stunted and immature. You should be concerned that he will start being jealous of you because that is how he thinks love is shown. How is he with your male friends? When you go out with friends without him?

lazyarse123 · 03/01/2021 14:23

Time to tell him to grow up and then get out.

MiddleClassProblem · 03/01/2021 14:24

It’s a power play. He wants to feel really desired. He wants you to feel insecure and that he could leave you at any minute. It’s utter bollocks. If you dump him I bet he will tell the ex it was because you were jealous.

He’s not worth your time and nor is he actually friends with his ex. She just a pawn in his manipulation. Some me do it with female friends to make partners feel insecure. But don’t let this put you off men who are genuinely friends with exes or other women. There are plenty that are doing this.

grassisjeweled · 03/01/2021 14:25

You're 33 with kids and entertaining all this nonsense?

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