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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think some partnered people don't realise how much single people need their friends right now?

40 replies

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 22:44

I know families and couples will have their own unique struggles going on. This is about not calling or showing up to agreed Zooms.

Having split with my ex shortly before covid I now live alone. All but one of my friends is now in a relationship. Clearly this means less time for the friendship and I understand that.

But I was so looking forward to catching up with a friend tonight. We had been planning it for ages, said we'd each get snacks and gin in our ends and mimic a real meet up! 2 days ago she asked if Sat would suit and I said yes. Well she never contacted me and when I went online I saw she was online as well. I feel a bit hurt. I got the wine in and got ready like I was going out. It sounds stupid I know. I didn't contact her because I figured she had decided against it and just wanted to be with her boyfriend.

This happened at the start of lockdown with another friend who forgot about our call twice. I brought it up and now we keep in touch once a week or so.

I just wish my friends in relationships could understand that it is hurtful when they cancel during these times. I know we are all struggling but I am totally isolated.

OP posts:

Popfan · 02/01/2021 22:47

Was she waiting for you to contact her?

RandomUsernameHere · 02/01/2021 22:49

So you agreed a time, but when the time came round, neither of you contacted the other? She didn't cancel on you if this is the case.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 22:49

No she wasn't. I was the last to message her about plans and she didnt come back to me again as expected.

I feel upset but also too proud to say anything. I wouldnt care so much in normal times but I do because it was the only social contact I had to look forward to today.

OP posts:

hula008 · 02/01/2021 22:51

I would have just contacted her, if it has been previously agreed. Maybe she thought the same as you, and that you were busy at home?

Popfan · 02/01/2021 22:54

I would have phoned her at the time you agreed!

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 22:56

We didnt agree the time. I messaged her back asking about the time and she hasnt replied since. I didn't want to feel I was chasing her.

I assume she couldn't be bothered in the end or it slipped her mind. I would feel like I was bothering her if she just wanted to spend the evening with her boyfriend by chasing her about it.

I bet a good few single people in my situation are feeling this way

OP posts:

Guineapig99 · 02/01/2021 22:56

Just ring or text her next time instead of sitting sulking and wondering what happened.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 22:59

I think people should honour their online meet ups at the moment or say so if they dont feel up to it.

To them it is probably just a call - they could take or leave it - but to me it is the only social interaction I'm having today. I wouldn't feel good chasing her about it - I think people do what they want to do. I just can't believe my life has come to this, despairing over a missed call on a Sat night.

OP posts:

Enidblyton1 · 02/01/2021 23:07

Agree, this past 9 months has been much harder for people living alone. A few of my best friends live alone and I’ve been trying to call them more than usual.
It’s so easy to forget a call. I find it quite stressful to have to remember a planned zoom call. It always ends up clashing with supper/delivery/children needing something etc. Much prefer good old fashioned spontaneous calls, like we used to have. Maybe try that next time? (With G&t on standby obviously!)

Pineconelights · 02/01/2021 23:08

But you said a time hadn't been agreed by either of you? So no one has missed honouring an online meet-up?

I think you're feeling sorry for yourself and assuming she's busy with her b/f. Next time agree a time in advance then you won't be left wondering and assuming the worst perhaps?

VetiverAndLavender · 02/01/2021 23:09

Next time, I'd say/write something to make it clear that I was really looking forward to the up-coming call. Settle on a specific time. There's no shame in telling them it's important, and that way (if they're good friends) they won't let it slip through the cracks so easily.

Either that or be spontaneous instead of planning something. If it's a bad time, you might have to try again, but at least that way you won't waste more time preparing and anticipating, only to have it come to nothing.

Honeyroar · 02/01/2021 23:11

I agree. It’s much easier to be in a happy partnership right now than single. However I think a lot of partnerships have really struggled this year.

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 23:14

We had planned the call because it was our 'Christmas call' and at a time when we are relaxed and not busy working.

I can't think of anything worse than a spontaneous call atm. During the week I am constantly tired as we are being over worked and working late.

I am feeling a bit sorry for myself. I don't think there is nothing wrong with that. Lots of people are and lots of isolated people are too.

OP posts:

flipperdoda · 02/01/2021 23:15

I'm single and struggling this year too. I do sympathise. But I also think that when it's something you need (and I've had to do this!) you have to put aside thoughts about bothering them/you being a "nag" etc. If it happens repeatedly then fine, but I've just accepted that it's fair for me to be the driving force when it's something I need from someone else, this year. If they're happy to chat and you both have a good time once it's started...just be the person who makes sure it happens. If you've agreed Sat evening but not a time, just call at 8pm and breezily say "hi we never got a time in is this okay for you?". If it's not they'll let you know.

I do get that it kind of sucks to be the one reaching out all the time, I really do. But it sucks more to not have the interactions, so it's a bit of a toss up!

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 23:17

@Honeyroar I really struggle with it at times. Before i was happy to be single for the first time in a long time just when covid hit.

But when I'm on work calls and every other colleague is talking about 'Partner and I watched/ate/etc last night, what did you do?' it can be hard.

OP posts:

Hapixmas · 02/01/2021 23:18

Sorry that you're feeling down. I'm single too so do get what you're saying about isolating etc... but honestly, you hadn't agreed a time. She may have read your message rhe other day and completely forgotten. I would have text this morning to say, are we still on for tonight and if so what time suits?

Which country do you live in?

Snog · 02/01/2021 23:19

I think you are in a passive and unconfident mindset which is understandable but probably isn't helping you.

Just call your friends and ask them if it's a good time to chat.

supercee · 02/01/2021 23:22

It really fucking sucks being single and living alone never mind through a pandemic. You know what else sucks, having shitty friends. My 'friends' are single but they have children so are never alone, per se. I am always the one to call them, suggest things to do etc. Or meet each other, I feel I'm always the one to invite me.

Even after I've openly stated that I'm finding all this really tough literally having no one but still appears to have fallen on deaf ears.

I get it's not easy for anyone at the moment but I've never felt so alone so I get how you feel OP.

HollowTalk · 02/01/2021 23:22

You won't get much sympathy on AIBU, OP. I completely agree with you, though. I live alone and this year has been the most challenging of my life. And I'm sick of people saying, "Oh yes, we're all alone this year" meaning two adults and their kids. It's not the same!

MrsFogi · 02/01/2021 23:22

Just ring friends you want to talk to and talk to them. I think part of the issue at the moment is that so little is happening there is very little to talk about on Zooms so whilst at the time the reacion is "Yes let's catch up on zoom/skype etc" nearer the time people think - "Bloody hell I'm all zoomed out and have nothing interesting to say" so it is easier all round to just have the odd phone call now and then rather than the pressure of a face to face video con.

Polly111 · 02/01/2021 23:25

Yanbu, it’s rubbish to be single at the moment. I have my mum in my support bubble so she can see the kids, but only see her every month or so. I’d be a bit gutted if a friend half arranged a zoom call/outdoor meet and then just left it.

DeeCeeCherry · 02/01/2021 23:25

I think this does happen. I keep in touch more with friends via WhatsApp in these times, and we do a phone catch up once a month. Same goes whether they're single or in a relationship. I've never been one to drop friends when a man comes along anyway and since I'm not running a country, I've time for friends even if a few minutes a week. People keep in touch if they want to don't they.

Would you join a virtual MeetUp group OP? Just widens options/interactions a bit

Original poster

Rae34 · 02/01/2021 23:29

@flipperdoda good advice and you're right. I actually didn't realise how much I needed the call until it didn't happen.

@Hapixmas we're each in Scotland and Ireland. I do feel like sometimes my partnered friends might be pity calling me and that isnt a nice prospect either. I dont want them to feel they have to keep up with me if they cant be bothered

OP posts:

jessyjo2 · 02/01/2021 23:30

Im actually glad u put this up OP. Making me think about friends on their own that might need me. Thank you.

Cherrysoup · 02/01/2021 23:34

A friend said something which really touched me. She’s single, lives alone and she says she hasn’t touched another human being since March. That put things into perspective for me.

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