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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Childcare arrangement

42 replies

Helloyouthere · 02/01/2021 21:40

evening all,

We pay MIL £140pm to pick up 2 DC from school and look after them until we finish, around 1hr30 a day. When schools were closed we kept DC at home but still paid MIL.

We are now in teir 4. DC are due to be back at school news depending next week. MIL is also proving childcare to other grandchildren (as far as I know but I'm not sure) parents do not give MIL any money. I dont want to send DC to MILs in this situation either if they are at school or not as it is really against the rules, she should really only be seeing one bubble for childcare but wanted to get views on if we should still pay her?

Do you pay grandparent's for childcare?

OP posts:
stackemhigh · 02/01/2021 21:50

I think it’s good you were paying MIL (I’n not sure of the legality of it) but I think you should stop paying now, new year new start. Just let her know ASAP.

IToldYouIWantedTheUnicorn · 02/01/2021 21:52

If you can afford it and plan to use her for childcare in the future then I'd continue paying her for now.

FabulouslyFab · 02/01/2021 21:57

I’m a Grandma and look after them two half days a week plus other times as required. I don’t take any money but they do come with a packed lunch. Pre COVID, trips out or treats were on me.
Does your MIL need the money and can you afford it?

Terminallysleepdeprived · 02/01/2021 21:57

I don't pay my parents for looking after dd,and they had her pretty much daily in lockdown 1. But I do pay for a holiday for them omce or twice a year as thanks, they have a motor home so its nothing extravegant. I paid for them to have a week in North Yorkshire in August and then gave them some gift vouchers towards another holiday once people are allowed to do so again.

I think if you have paid her up to now and can afford to jeep doing it them you should. What the other family do in regards to paying is irrelevant I am afraid.

Lookslikerainted · 02/01/2021 22:21

I think it’s fair to pay her for a service, but you are no longer receiving that service, so you should stop paying.

RebeccaBristol · 03/01/2021 03:20

At my children's after school club every day for 2 children would be c.£400 a month so compared to that what you are paying is cheap. My mum has done regular school pick ups for me in the past but I have not paid her (did offer), but everyone's circumstances are different. I think 'officially' if she takes money she should be ofsted registered, but in the real world how would they ever find out. I would continue to pay her if you can during tier 4 as she may rely on this money.

SquarePeggyLeggy · 03/01/2021 03:24

I continued to pay our nursery in order to hold my place. This could be the same thing? I think it’s good that you pay her and really depends on her need for the money! If she’s alone that would cover a decent amount of her expenses and be missed?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2021 09:25

I have done both with my dm.
I paid her when she was doing a weekly committed role (like your mil was). She was saving me money on childcare and I felt guilty not to.
But I don't pay her for any ad hoc babysitting she does.

ivfbeenbusy · 03/01/2021 09:27

On the basis that other parents aren't paying then no I wouldn't be either

arethereanyleftatall · 03/01/2021 09:27

For me, I never want her to be out of pocket doing me a favour, that wouldn't sit right with me. So, her 'pay' completely covered her travel, her food, and allowed her to have fun with the dcs not out of her pocket.

Yamashita40 · 03/01/2021 09:33

I would never dream of paying grandparents for childcare. They would never accept money from me, however all of our grandparents are much more well off than us so I don't know if I would feel differently if they weren't.

It doesn't sit right that she's having other grandkids for free and you're paying. Is she not embarrassed that you're paying her or does she accept it willingly?

isitsafetocomeoutyet · 03/01/2021 09:43

I think it's great you paid her (someone mentioned legalities which i know nothing about and you might want to check out)

But to answer your question no I don't pay my grandparents. Hell would freeze over before my mum would accept any money from me. But also I guess more importantly, she wouldn't accept money from my sil/Db for looking after their children too. It's the imbalance that throws me.

(I get the dc to give her flowers etc as a thank you. Ha she can't refuse the dc)

AhNowTed · 03/01/2021 09:51

@Yamashita40

I would never dream of paying grandparents for childcare. They would never accept money from me, however all of our grandparents are much more well off than us so I don't know if I would feel differently if they weren't.

It doesn't sit right that she's having other grandkids for free and you're paying. Is she not embarrassed that you're paying her or does she accept it willingly?

You're to one who should be embarrassed.

I would never expect my mother to give up her time and commit herself to regular childcare for nothing. Whether she needed the money or not.

Or do you think her time is worthless.

RandyGiles06 · 03/01/2021 10:01

I cover expenses for MIL to have my DC one day a week at my insistence, and have offered to pay if she wanted to take them anywhere such as soft play, but sadly due to Covid she hasn’t had the opportunity to do that yet. I wouldn’t have a problem paying more if she wanted more, however I would not pay her the going rate of a nursery, I’d just increase the nursery days if she asked for that.

RandyGiles06 · 03/01/2021 10:05

Just to add when MIL couldn’t have my DC due to various personal issues she had, I continued to pay her just as I would do for a nursery

AhNowTed · 03/01/2021 10:07

OP £140 a month isn't a huge amount. And it's not really 1.5 hours a day. She has to commit herself to be there every day. It's a huge commitment and curtails her freedom to do as she pleases.

For an extended break you could stop paying her. But under normal circumstances, just because your piss-taking relatives take advantage doesn't mean you should.

AhNowTed · 03/01/2021 10:09

@ivfbeenbusy

On the basis that other parents aren't paying then no I wouldn't be either

So you would take advantage just because others do. Lovely.

Couchbettato · 03/01/2021 10:41

I would keep paying her. She's doing you a service. She's also doing a huge favour. When you pay her, what she does with that money is her business and if she uses that to offset the costs of looking after other kids (perhaps the other kids parents aren't as well off and she loves seeing the kids anyway), then that's her business.

Livinginatree · 03/01/2021 10:47

It equates to around £2/hour/child. You would be paying around £10 for a childminder and near enough that much for an after school club. I'm presuming you are never a few minutes late as that would take you into the two hour zone making it £1.50 per child per hour. I think it is right that your mil is given some money so she isn't out of pocket from snacks, extra heating, electricity. But I am feeling massive resentment from you rather than gratitude, which is presumably because the other side of the family don't pay. Could you accept that it is how it is, that you choose to respect her and that it is for them to sort out. I think when it comes to informal childcare it could continue under the guidance? I'm not sure it says it is limited to one side but I could well be written by about that. I feel like it is almost a reason for resentments that have been building to come to a head. Maybe it is time to stop paying and find an alternative arrangement to save relationships, or at least be honest how you are feeling and deal with it and work out whether you are willing to pay or not.

ivfbeenbusy · 03/01/2021 10:50

@AhNowTed

Not at all. But who is taking advantage of who here - why should the grandmother accept money to look after one set of grandchildren but not the other?

Merryoldgoat · 03/01/2021 10:57

My PIL wouldn’t take money and neither would my aunt when she provided childcare.

I offered several times.

However it’s only ever been a max of 2 days per week and now they’re older it’s one afternoon.

AhNowTed · 03/01/2021 11:01

@ivfbeenbusy

Or maybe ignore what other entitled pisstakers do and pay your mother a fair amount to look after your children, especially as she's already being royally taken advantage of.

KimchiLaLa · 03/01/2021 11:10

I don't know whether it's a cultural thing but my parents would never, ever take money from me to take their grandchild. It would be offensive to even offer. I do however splurge on my mum's gifts quite frequently.

KimchiLaLa · 03/01/2021 11:12

To be clear - my parents are v v comfortable so maybe that makes a difference even within my culture.

Tier10 · 03/01/2021 11:55

I’d continue to pay as it’s such a low amount for the childcare you are getting.