To worry my dysfunctional family will deter a future partner?

[Willow79]

This worries me a lot. I've recently turned 29 and feel I'm in quite a good place mentally and emotionally. I've had a few relationships and a nearly right sort of guy last.

The issue is my parents. They divorced when I was very young. Barely said a kind word for years then become friends as I grew up. Each had relationships that did not culminate in marriage and came to an end.

When I was 15, they took me on holiday together and held hands one night when we were out. I asked what was going on and they didnt explain. They broke up. 2 years later they did this again and other family members found out and were horrified, saying they were not a compatible match. They broke up again!

So now about 15 years later they are still friends and now they go on holiday together. They also spend some weekends together. And still divorced! It is so mad I havent even told my close friends they arent together because it seems like they are. I told my mum it bothers me that boyfriends must think it is bizarre and she laughs it off, saying I just need to put up with it. My dad's colleague also recently annoyed him by telling him his situation is very unhealthy.

2 exes clearly were bemused by the situation but said nothing. One guy said he thought his own parents SHOULD have divorced years ago as they didnt get on

But I feel I've got Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton for parents (well without the money and all that). They are also artists and involved in politics so pretty bohemian and interesting.

I just do not know how to explain this scenario to future partners and actually worry I'm doomed to a life of unhappiness because a guy with a normal family would be put off. AIBU?

I think you are being very unreasonable. Your parents are adults and can spend time with, or go on holiday with, anyone they wish to, and that includes their ex. I fail to understand why anyone would even care, and I don't understand why you think this would impact a future relationship. If anyone is "put off" by something this inconsequential, you shouldn't be with them.

All families have their weird, wonderful, bizarre and downright fucked up elements.

It must have been hard for you to grow up with this confusing bohemian attitude but it doesn’t have to affect your future.

Firstly you don’t need to explain the set up to potential partners until you feel that maybe there is a future with them, until that point a simple “oh my family are batshit, I’ll tell you another time” is sufficient.

And secondly anyone who judges you on the basis of your family dynamic isn’t someone you’d realistically want to have your own family or future with.

Perhaps reframe this in your mind? No one has a perfect family. We ALL have our shit and in the grand scheme yours isn’t all that terrible or weird. But even if it was, it wouldn’t put people off.

My partner has a bit of a messed up family dynamic and mine is a total shit show - we’ve actually bonded on a deep level over our shared legacies. We sometimes talk and share snippets of our childhood but mostly it’s irrelevant.

You’ll be fine

Of course they can do what they want - but it wasn't very nice for me growing up when they kept breaking up and getting back together. I found it quite selfish.

It's just...I've never met anyone else in this situation. Not a friend, not a boyfriend. All have parents that are either together or divorced and single or with new partners. I wish it didn't bother me so much but it does. And lately they argue you sometimes as well which I find hard.

My parents are divorced and still get on nearly 40 years later, but not to the point like your parents.

However, I think you’re giving this too much headspace. You are an adult now - go and live your life and leave your parents to lead theirs, no matter how unconventional.

Any man who rejects you because of your parents’ unconventional way of living isn’t worth having.

Many people have messed up families OP, but your future DP will be marrying you, not them. My family is extremely complicated and DH, who comes from a very plain vanilla sort of background did raise an eyebrow when I told him, but he doesn't have to live with them and neither do I (thank god!)

It's really not that weird. My grand parents had a similar relationship, still lived together but went on holiday separately, slept separately etc.
You want dysfunctional you should come meet mine and dps family.
Don't know why that would "deter a future partner" weird that you think they would take such an interest in your parents relationship. If they are happy, you need to get over it. I don't see how it affects you at your age.

I can imagine it was hard growing up with them splitting and getting back together over and over but I think it's good that they still get on even if it seems a little dysfunctional (assuming it's in no way abusive).

However, I think you’re giving this too much headspace. You are an adult now - go and live your life and leave your parents to lead theirs, no matter how unconventional.

Any man who rejects you because of your parents’ unconventional way of living isn’t worth having.

This ^

When you find someone who is right for you, this is not a situation that is going to bother anyone at all.

@zafferana I seem to be attracted to men with quite normal vanilla families or at least normal on the surface. Maybe this is why.

I once dated an ex whose father said he thought he had been in love with his wife (ex's mother) when they married but he had been wrong - when ex and his sister was present. Terrible!

A) very few families have no dysfunction

B) the way you deal with it is more important than the fact of it

I come from a very dysfunctional background which I hated growing up and was desperate to shake.

My life is about as vanilla and dysfunction-free as I can get it.

My DH comes from a very stable family but wider dysfunction exists which they just deal with.

Life is messy.

My parents are divorced and the best of friends. Spent Christmas together with my brother, often go for dinner ) to the pub together when things are normal. DH doesn't think it's weird and has told me he wishes his parents, who haven't spoken in years, could be the same.

Only speaking from experience, but no, my dysfunctional family hasn’t put anyone off.

I can understand how this will have impacted you, especially when growing up, but it doesn’t sound that ‘out there’ to me.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I feel it does it affect me at this age because in the past they have wanted to spend time with my then partner and me together. I'm sure they will want to do likewise in future. And my mum talks about my dad a lot to people - sorry but I do feel embarrassed by the situation and cant help it.

@Tal45 they argue a bit lately when I've seen them together. It isnt nice and I'm hoping it wont continue.

But you don't have to be close to them as an adult.

Everyone saying it's up to them is missing the point. They clearly fucked things up for you a fair bit.

You can't do anything about that and can't ask them to change their behaviour for you... but, by the same token, they can't expect a daughter who found her childhood with them stressful and finds their behaviour now also stressful, to share any more of her life with them than she wants to.

I suspect this will work itself out when you meet your right partner - because once you do, not only will they become less important in the big picture of your life but you'll also find you can see yourself/you and your partner as genuinely separate from them - it'll eventually be you and him that are the family core. You won't be a reflection of them. And you'll be able to say 'My bloody parents' - and it will mean very little.

As for them... when you have your children and only occasionally visit, and aren't interested in hosting them for Christmas together or propping it all up with big family holidays, and you basically do your own thing and are really not very close... and they don't like it - well, you can take a big leaf out of your carefree ole mother's book and just shrug and say, well, you're going to have to put up with it, aren't you?

:)

I don’t see what the problem is here.

I’m about as far from bohemian as you can get, but what I’ve understood is your parents - who used to be married - have an on/off possibly casual relationship.

Not sure why you think it’s such a big deal.

@Willow79 so just ask your mum not to discuss her relationship with your dad with any new partners you have. That would be awkward for them anyway, no matter what your parents relationship is.

[quote Willow79]@Iminaglasscaseofemotion I feel it does it affect me at this age because in the past they have wanted to spend time with my then partner and me together. I'm sure they will want to do likewise in future. And my mum talks about my dad a lot to people - sorry but I do feel embarrassed by the situation and cant help it.

@Tal45 they argue a bit lately when I've seen them together. It isnt nice and I'm hoping it wont continue.[/quote]
Well - tough shit.

If you don't want to and it makes you uncomfortable, they can't spend time with you and your partner together, can they?

Even you saying that, at 29, makes me think that you're actually too close to them full stop. They seem to have a fair bit of sway. At 29, I lived a few hundred miles from my parents and that suited me fine!

Are you physically close? Maybe think of moving. And distance yourself. They call all the time? They're used to loads of texts? Stop that, then. They won't like it but there's literally nothing they can do.

And people argue, thats not weird either.

@YoniAndGuy I currently feel I am going to have to have very strong boundaries to maintain some level of distance.

They contact me every single day and clearly expect to be a big part of my life. I am hoping this situation will iron itself out post Covid as people return to their hobbies etc but I'm not convinced it will.

Your last line made me smile!

My ‘original’ family is batshit. One sibling on the run long term having changed his identity, one sibling a Coke addict .... you get the idea.
My DH of 30 years comes from a lovely normal family.
All that mattered to DH was that I was/am a normal functioning adult and it’s been great getting his perspective. There was a lot of stuff that I hadn’t realised was ‘unusual’.
Exposure to my nuts family has made him more appreciative of his family.
My exposure to his ‘normal’ family has been a lesson in love for me.
We’ve built our own family now of course ...

So, see, this is the way it should go:

'Why haven't you called/texted/ let's meet up'
'No thanks, not right now. Last time you and Dad just argued. I'd rather see you separately next time.'
'We've spoken about this! Like I said, you just need to put up with it, me and your Dad have the relationship that suits us!'
'Err no, I don't have to actually. I'll pass on meeting up for now, thanks. Maybe some other time.'

Phone down!

And DH supported me in putting boundaries down which was the best thing I ever did.

@YoniAndGuy well this is it - I recently moved back home after living abroad for 4 years. During that time they occasionally visited & kept in touch but not overly.

Not we live half an hour away and the contact is OTT. It is too much. But my friends are here and I have hobbies I like and a new home, so...it really isnt the time to be leaving. I would reconsider again if they didnt respect my boundaries.

My DH family is one of the most fucked up families I have ever came across or heard about.
Doesn't put me off HIM though.

If you just accept your parents relationship and move on then your next partner will also accept it. I think your making a dig deal about nothing.

Oh right.

Then yes, it's gonna hurt but you are going to have to go through the fire!

Withdraw.
Tell them straight you don't like the amount of contact.
Be boring - no news. Don't tell them what's going on in your life. At all.
When they try and pull you up on not calling/visiting etc - broken record time. 'Look mum, you do realise this level of contact at my age is not normal, don't you? I find it really intrusive. Could you stop grilling me please?'
They'll eventually lose their shit - probably when they find out about something you 'should' have told them and haven't - and that will be your moment to say, 'i'm done - I want space - you are weird and harassing and I am going to have a break from you.'

DON'T introduce them to any partners. Just refuse. 'No. I find the way you and Dad are stressful and I don't enjoy spending time with you as a couple.'

Do you live close?