To worry my dysfunctional family will deter a future partner?

[Willow79]

This worries me a lot. I've recently turned 29 and feel I'm in quite a good place mentally and emotionally. I've had a few relationships and a nearly right sort of guy last.

The issue is my parents. They divorced when I was very young. Barely said a kind word for years then become friends as I grew up. Each had relationships that did not culminate in marriage and came to an end.

When I was 15, they took me on holiday together and held hands one night when we were out. I asked what was going on and they didnt explain. They broke up. 2 years later they did this again and other family members found out and were horrified, saying they were not a compatible match. They broke up again!

So now about 15 years later they are still friends and now they go on holiday together. They also spend some weekends together. And still divorced! It is so mad I havent even told my close friends they arent together because it seems like they are. I told my mum it bothers me that boyfriends must think it is bizarre and she laughs it off, saying I just need to put up with it. My dad's colleague also recently annoyed him by telling him his situation is very unhealthy.

2 exes clearly were bemused by the situation but said nothing. One guy said he thought his own parents SHOULD have divorced years ago as they didnt get on

But I feel I've got Helena Bonham Carter & Tim Burton for parents (well without the money and all that). They are also artists and involved in politics so pretty bohemian and interesting.

I just do not know how to explain this scenario to future partners and actually worry I'm doomed to a life of unhappiness because a guy with a normal family would be put off. AIBU?

Hmm difficult.

But absolutely start parrotting back to them - they don't like your decisions on who you spend time with and what you do? Well, as someone once said - they'll just have to put up with it.

My parents were very similar OP, spilt up frequently throughout my childhood with one parent moving out and then getting back together and moving back in.
One of my parents then became terminally ill whilst living apart and moved back in again, and stayed at home until they died.
It was quite unsettling growing up but throughout it all, there was never any bad words said in front of me about the other for which I am glad. Although their relationship was complicated I always knew they still cared for one another even in the bad times and there was never any aminosity during the spilt times.

I feel like the level of contact they’re after with you is a separate issue to them still being friends?

My parents are separated and not romantically involved, but still married with shared finances. They’ve bubbled together during covid and we spend Christmas together every year. It’s a bit unorthodox and unusual but I can’t say it’s something that boyfriends have ever struggled with . I think it’s great that they get on so well personally but I appreciate that for you the additional context of them seemingly getting back together and then breaking up again might make things more complex.

Really? I thought they were going to be abusive or something. Why would your partner care?

My dad has lived with his gf since divorcing my mum and has simultaneously fathered a baby in a third world country. Now that's fucked up. It has nothing to do with my relationship with my dh though and my upbringing was normal, that was before his midlife crisis. You're way overthinking this.

My dh does think he's an embarrassment (there's more as well) but it doesn't affect our relationship in any way. He is also perfectly civil to him when we see him.

No family is completely normal. My family are the definition of dysfunctional and it hasn’t my partner off me. If a future partner really wants you it won’t matter what your family is like! And although your parents situations is a little strange it’s not terrible!

I know an separated couple like this. They have two dc, they split years ago and don’t sleep together or think of each other romantically anymore (I don’t think) but they spend so much time together, eating at each other’s house, holidays etc. It does mean neither can move on but that it’s irrelevant to your post.

My ex bf parents were divorced but lived together at points (and not together at others) but were very much good friends and one parental unit.

This arrangement never factored into how I thought about my relationship with my ex...

Sounds ideal to me! I think your parents are living out a life that many would like but are too scared to do. Who gives two hoots what others think? Hopefully your partners are more open minded than you!

What a disappointment. I thought this thread was going to be about a woman whose parents regularly featured on Crime Watch UK and whose siblings were wanted across 4 continents.

Anyway...

well this is it - I recently moved back home

Are you currently living IN the parental home?

And lately they argue you sometimes as well which I find hard.

But they would argue whether they'd stayed married or found new partners. Arguing "sometimes" is what married people do.

@Butchyrestingface it isnt as simple as arguing. Basically my grandparents (my mother's parents) never got on and this was mainly because my grandfather was so argumentative and nasty.

Recently I see my mother playing out the same dynamic with my dad and it is very upsetting. Not something I am willing to put up with long term.

No I live in my own flat.

Anyway it is good to see people saying it doesn't/wouldn't affect their decision to be with a person

It is obviously true that you are marrying into a family so I always think this is probably a serious consideration for people.

They sound a bit like my parents. They got divorced almost 20 years ago and for the first few years didn't speak at all. They both dated other people. However gradually they became more and more civil until they were friends again and, like yours, they ended up travelling together (they went to Australia and New Zealand for six weeks together!).

They're not a 'couple' as it were, and they still fall out regularly, but they're adults so I just let them get on with it🤷🏻‍♀️

Also, don't underestimate other people's tolerance level/perception of 'normal'.

When I first met my OH, it took a while for him to introduce me to his parents, because he felt they were a bit eccentric. I did, and they were lovely, no issues.

Then I introduced him to MY family, who, quite frankly, make his look like rank amateurs.

I honestly don't think it is an issue - in fact, it could be quite useful in weeding out useless judgemental men. I remember one of the first times my DH met my mum's vile, alcoholic husband. Who was, of course, vile alcoholic and rude while my mum fluttered around blaming us for his drunken, abusive tirade. My DH was only 23 and he was wonderful, calming the drunk, remaining civilised and being so lovely and supportive to me. It is one of the ways I knew he was the one.

I later met his mother and found out about her rickety mental health.... very few families are the Waltons.

My mum and stepdad are like this, haven't been together for over a decade but spend a lot of time together.

No family is perfect op, take mine:
I dont know who my father is, i either have 6 half brothers or one (love triangle back in the 80s 😂) and my mother is another thread altogether!

But.. They are my family and i adore them. I think you're being a little harsh on your parents.

Dp has a more 'traditional family' full siblings all proffesionals, but they're not entirely close, wheras mine are.

Any man who would judge you based on your family is a dickhead, honestly most won't give a fuck

It’s a complete non issue? You tell partners they’re in an on off relationship and are generally good friends... and that’s the way it’s always been.

The contact thing is completely different issue to their relationship.

It is obviously true that you are marrying into a family so I always think this is probably a serious consideration for people.

Do you know, the older I get the more I realise that that is just so not true for so many people.

It's more - if you get on with them and are similar people, then yes.

If you have nothing in common and actively just don't like them very much - then no. Your lives naturally diverge... or can be made to diverge.

I know so many people not in touch with parents/siblings. Because - they just don't like them very much, and don't feel as if they can or should be 'close'.

You will probably end up the same... but I agree that with stickybeak parents, it's much easier if hundreds of miles separate you.

Start making that distance now.

I came on to say what @Namechange8471 did, no family is perfect.

God, you would die if you had to introduce a partner to my family!

If someone judges you because of your family situation then they're not really worth keeping.

OP,

You need to focus on yourself and growing up.

Leave your parents to their relationship.

Very good responses from @YoniAndGuy

Be vague with people about your family dynamics.
Do not attempt to explain.

Nobody's business at all as to how your family works.
Offer them nothing.

At the very most, state facts, they are divorced. End of.

Step back from your family.
They are stressing you.
Absolute no need for seeing them all the time.
Focus on your other friendships etc.

You're an adult. Like they are. Leave them alone and mind your own business. Everyone has weird and embarrassing family members, it's part of the deal; take me, take them.

@billy1966 I think this will be easier said than done after that pandemic was over.

I moved home shortly before covid. I got a new job, new home and was doing a lot of performances with my hobby. I felt life was starting to come together.

Now I've formed an extended bubble with my mum and my dad with his friend. We have an online chat all 3 or us where they want to talk every day.

I also split up from my partner last year. This is the first time in my life when all of my close friends are now in relationships. I have had some nice socially distanced coffees and walks with friends but for example - my friend and I were meant to have a Zoom chat tonight but she has forgotten.

I sometimes feel that my parents are all that I have since the pandemic. I had a life before. I dont anymore.

That wouldnt put me off a partner. Lots of other family dynamics would, but not too parents who obviously had feelings for each other and got on but couldn't be in a relationship

I was going to say it sounds like Sarah Ferguson and Prince Andrew but then they aren't now a good example to use.

Honestly, your parents sound perfectly ok, maybe even vaguely sweet, from the perspective of an adult who might date their adult child (I recognise it must have been quite different for you growing up with them).

I would see this as your run-of-the-mill kind of idiosyncrasy every family has.

My family is actually dysfunctional, and my dad is a thoroughly unpleasant, homophobic man (this is relevant; my partner's a woman). My DP's family is actually dysfunctional, and her mother is a narrow-minded racist.

All we conclude is you can't judge someone for their family. If you have serious psychological problems resulting from your family situation, maybe get some counselling and/or think about how to avoid slipping into patterns they modelled for you. But you should be doing that anyway, for your own health, if you think there are issues.

A man who loves you will just put up with weird parents. Most of us have to to some extent deal with ILs we don't see eye to eye with.

You're thinking about it way too much - I'm surprised other people give a shit about someone else's relationship.

If weird families put potential partners off then no one would get together. My family is weird and so is my husbands. Actual severe mental illness in his case and yet somehow we managed to have a stable marriage for over 3 decades. Everyone's family is strange in it's own way.