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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to just leave them to it?

38 replies

BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 10:41

DD in Y9, DS in Y12. Both utterly lovely kids, but they do fuck all around the house, certainly nothing without being asked, repeatedly, despite agreements, schedules, consequences, etc etc, and I am tired of discussing schedules for cooking, cleaning, tidying, recycling, etc etc etc.

They also never want to exercise or go outside, something I find hard to do myself so finding the motivation to do me and have some energy leftover to make them do something beyond sitting on their computers, is really exhausting. DH seems happy enough to leave them to it and we sometimes end up fighting and I am now the villain at home, the hot headed highly strung parent who's trying to control everyone. I just think it's actually neglectful to not make them exercise, get outside, and help a little around the house.

In term time they are not asked to do more than empty the dishwasher and sort out the recycling by the way. When they're not in school, I think they're old enough to prepare dinner once or twice a week, hoover now and again, clean the bathroom they use... They simply don't want to do any of it.

Both DH and I work full time and I am also completing a qualification.

It's such a battle and I'm sick of arguing. Am I expecting too much? Should I just leave it, stop arguing for an easy life but also so that they don't hate me? DH has become the easy going parent, and I didn't want this role I find myself having, but maybe I've earned it.

OP posts:
oohmyback · 02/01/2021 13:51

Omg you have just written about my life! I have 2 DD older at 12 and 14 and one younger. I have been working full time for much of this year (thanks Covid!) and they (and DH) have used it as an excuse to slack off. Now find myself running round trying to get them to fucking DO something!!

The virus and lockdown hasn't helped, both lost their main hobbies and youngest lost music lessons. So they do bugger all!

I have their screen time really limited now but that doesn't help when dh just watches tv all the time!

Anyway no help whatsoever but completely agree I don't feel I can just leave them to it and want them to actually WANT to do something!

BonnieDundee · 02/01/2021 14:02

YANBU OP but no doubt you will get flamed by people with kids who are more helpful spring clean an entire house and service the car every week without being asked and it will all be your fault for raising them to be lazy

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 14:05

Thank you for replying. If anything I thought I might get slated for being controlling. Right now I feel like an alien in my own house.

OP posts:
Taikoo · 02/01/2021 14:06

Go on strike.
Stop doing it all and leave it go to seed.
Give it a fortnight or so and then set some hard and fast rules.
Wifi off, where necessary.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/01/2021 14:07

With regards to the chores, could you leave their own stuff to them? Ie don't do anyone else's laundry or ironing etc

CoRhona · 02/01/2021 14:09

Lower your expectations for your own sanity - if you're working and studying too, just get to what you can live with.

BackwardsGoing · 02/01/2021 14:15

There was a brilliant thread on here a few months ago when a mother moved out for a week and left her lazy teens and her walkover husband to it. It bucked them up in the short term, I don't know what happened in the longer term.

It's easy for us to say "get firm with them" because we're not living your life but I don't think you're expecting too much from them, and you're doing them a favour by teaching them to pitch in.

Can you withdraw your services until their attitudes improve? I.e. chauffeuring, cooking, laundry, paying phone bills, Netflix subscriptions etc.?

Don't be a martyr, prioritise your own fun enough.

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 14:16

Yes, you're right. I have always believed that as a parent you go through the discomfort of having your kids 'hate' you momentarily (i.e. most of their teenage years at least) in order to raise them right, but if DH and I are not exactly on the same page, then it's just me being a pain on everybody else's arse, isn't it?

OP posts:
User0ne · 02/01/2021 14:17

Stop doing as much for them.

Show them how to do the washing machine. Show them where the recipe books are. Allocate them their own plates if you want. Then stop doing their washing, don't cook for them 3-4 nights per week and don't wash up their stuff

YouBoughtMeAWall · 02/01/2021 14:21

This is my life too OP.

I manage to get chores done, mostly, but it is never volunteered, I always have to poke and prod. I’m not giving up on that yet as I’m a single parent, working and just will not accept being the only one doing anything when they’re sitting at home on their asses.

They won’t go out for any exercise though. I’ve given up on that one.

BackwardsGoing · 02/01/2021 14:22

Are you making your DH's life too comfortable perhaps? Doing all the wife work? Cooking his favourite meals? Facilitating his life and leisure? Maybe stop doing that so much...

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 02/01/2021 14:22

I was also going to suggest look at the other thread where the mum moved out to stay at a hotel for a while because she was sick of being called a nag and doing things for everyone that were completely unappreciated.
Does your husband do his fair share? I think it's different if he is happy to clean up after them etc and then maybe you do need to compromise more and reach an agreement with him about how to approach it, but something more drastic is needed if he is 'easygoing' about his share of chores as well, because it's going to be hard to get your kids to do their share if your husband is being lazy about his.

grumpygiraffe · 02/01/2021 14:26

I hope the lazy sods aren’t getting any pocket money.

2bazookas · 02/01/2021 14:26

You're doing far too much laundry, shopping, cooking, washing up, taxi service etc..
Just take a break for a few weeks, put your feet up with a good book or a film and let the lazy slobs run out of food, clean clothes dishes and dry towels etc

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 14:35

My DH does do a lot around the house, that really is not my issue at all. I do most of the cooking but he does most of the shopping and ALL the driving. That's not my gripe at all. We have different 'needs' for cleanliness and tidiness, I have always needed more for my own wellbeing and I have massively lowered my expectations in that sense. The reason we clash is because I believe in a household of 4, where the kids are perfectly able and healthy 13 and 16 kids, we shouldn't have to keep cooking, cleaning, doing laundry and allow them to not exercise, ever, and instead let them spend hours on end on their computers (school work gets done, no issues there).

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SquirrelFan · 02/01/2021 15:03

This.
However, I would happily, lovingly do all the household chores if my teen dcs were
a. studying
b. going out (socially distantly) with friends/sport/volunteering/part time job
c. nice to me
I feel like a failure as a parent because my teens are always on screens. My DH is not on the same page. I feel so guilty and completely at a loss as to how to change it. Covid makes it all worse.

81Byerley · 02/01/2021 15:03

I think you are right. Perhaps it's time for you to decide that you don't fancy doing something. Fancy a night off cooking for them? Cook yourself an omelette and finish off with some chocolate. Don't say anything to them, just don't cook for them. Put your own stuff in the dishwasher, leave everyone else's. Do your own washing and ironing, ignore their's. Tidy up after yourself but don't pick up after anyone else. If they ask you when's dinner, say "I haven't a clue, I've had mine". They might get the message then that you aren't there to be a skivvy for everyone else. And it will give them an idea of how selfish they are being.

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 15:16

OMG SquirrelFan EXACTLY

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Bunnybigears · 02/01/2021 15:19

Omg I need to go back to bed, I read that as they fuck all round the house Blush

HyacynthBucket · 02/01/2021 15:20

Your DC are taking their cue from their father. You say he does his bit, but shopping and driving are all done outside the home. When indoors with the family, it sounds as though your DC see him not doing anything much. Can you talk to DH about the perceptions your children are developing about gender roles and the fact that you are perceived to be doing most if not all the stuff at home. If you can get him onside, it could take just a few tweaks at home for your DC to see things differently.

Affor · 02/01/2021 15:23

You make their allowance /phone contracts / data / WiFi contingent on doing the chores

Whitegrenache · 02/01/2021 15:23

I'm feeling the same - dd 15 and ds nearly 12.
Dd has a job which she has worked really hard over the last few weeks and when she's off she chills out watching TV.
DS however is addicted to the Xbox - he can't meet his friends and has been off school 3 weeks now and looking more like another 2. No football matches or training due to Covid. His only
Social interaction with his mates is via the Xbox.
They will tidy their rooms when asked (nagged) but despite me begging them to
Create some meal India's they won't cook

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 15:34

HyacynthBucket honestly that's not really my issue, DH is seen doing stuff around the house, nothing to do with gender, it's more the expectation of DD and DH chipping in, as fully functioning members of this household. As they don't, the brunt of it falls on me. DH works extremely hard for his job and it's quite committed to his running. I am not going to pretend for a second that my DC have prevented me from exercising because I am really lazy when it comes to that, BUT, the truth of the matter is that full time work, plus studying, plus looking after them two, leaves very little headspace, actual time and energy to do much else. For example DH will be working for 9 hours solid, and just as I am thinking about preparing dinner, checking that DC have done any chores, checking that they're on top of their work, etc, he goes off for a run.

OP posts:
Carriemac · 02/01/2021 15:46

I have a DH who works all the time and I was the default nagger . I really had to have it out with him as he hated to ask the DC to do anything ( he was a spoiled only) and I had to point out that that left me with all the work

I persevered with my expectations about everyone pulling their weight and now at 21,21 and 23 we still have a daily walk or run ( together if possible) and I cook less than 50% of the evening meals . I don't sort or out away anyone's laundry and I ask when doing my online shopping meal each person is making that week .
Stop doing stuff for them and challenge your DH when he's going for a run about what's for. Dinner? What are the kids doing ?

Original poster
BloggersNetwork · 02/01/2021 15:54

I have had it our with DH numerous times, sometimes getting upset/angry, sometimes reasoning calmly, sometimes sending an email so I can explain myself properly. More often than not he agrees with what I'm saying but then from my point of view I don't see any actually practical change, so I end up feeling that he only agreed with me to placate me, so I'd shut up. I feel that my DH despises me when I challenge things because he hates confrontation, it's just easiest to let things go and go with the flow. Over the years this has resulted in me becoming the nagger and I just couldn't bring myself to give up because DC were younger. But I now feel that they also don't like me, and they'll remember me as being an angry old nag. So I need to stop and focus on myself a bit.

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