to just leave them to it?

[BloggersNetwork]

DD in Y9, DS in Y12. Both utterly lovely kids, but they do fuck all around the house, certainly nothing without being asked, repeatedly, despite agreements, schedules, consequences, etc etc, and I am tired of discussing schedules for cooking, cleaning, tidying, recycling, etc etc etc.

They also never want to exercise or go outside, something I find hard to do myself so finding the motivation to do me and have some energy leftover to make them do something beyond sitting on their computers, is really exhausting. DH seems happy enough to leave them to it and we sometimes end up fighting and I am now the villain at home, the hot headed highly strung parent who's trying to control everyone. I just think it's actually neglectful to not make them exercise, get outside, and help a little around the house.

In term time they are not asked to do more than empty the dishwasher and sort out the recycling by the way. When they're not in school, I think they're old enough to prepare dinner once or twice a week, hoover now and again, clean the bathroom they use... They simply don't want to do any of it.

Both DH and I work full time and I am also completing a qualification.

It's such a battle and I'm sick of arguing. Am I expecting too much? Should I just leave it, stop arguing for an easy life but also so that they don't hate me? DH has become the easy going parent, and I didn't want this role I find myself having, but maybe I've earned it.

OP do you think it might be worth having joint counselling with your DH? If nothing changes when you talk to him you could end up really resenting him and damaging your marriage.

Stop paying for their phones until the chores are done.

My DH is a runner, and my children are a fair bit younger. He tells me every what his plans are for running, and often runs at very early in the morning before work. I swim (Covid permitting) and return the favour. It works because we are both committed to the other one being able to maintain their health and get a break. We also minimise the impact of our exercise on the family by doing it early or late, and communicating with each other. It sounds like your DH just assumes his thing should be prioritised. It shouldn't be tricky, given the ages of the children, he just needs reminding that they are his responsibility as much as yours, and that he needs to think about feeding them (I would expect a 16 year old to have a day a week when they cook for the family, but I'm aware that isn't a universal norm. 13 year old can help out)

I can't quite but you put something like DH despises you when you create a confrontation - of course he does - the status quo works fine for him and you are trying to change it! Of course he will resist that, by making you feel bad.

Stop making their lives easy.
No paying for phones. No pocket money. No taxi of mum. No friends over. No take aways.
They are capable, they are choosing to not do what you clearly need them to

Could have written this. Only about my OH and his kids of 9 and 10. All just want to sit on their arses playing computers all day. He cooks and washes up. Thats more or less it. Been furloughed most of last year. I'm working, doing all the driving, all the cleaning, most of the washing. Shit hit the fan this week. I'm fed up of being a door mat. My two kids 12 and 9 don't do much but they will if asked and can find the wash basket with their clothes. Having a shit new year already, yay. Feel a bit better that its not just me x

I voted YABU because instead of saying what age these kids are you mentioned their school year.
I'm not familiar with the British schooling system and it really annoys me when people do this.Why not just say they're10 and 12 or whatever, surely that's more meaningful
Also whatever age your kids are they should help around the house a bit.

I have the same problem with my partner’s kids who are 20 and 23 and currently home from/after uni. My reasoning is that there are 4 adults in this house - I wouldn’t mind at all if they were small children.
My DP is prepared to wait on them 24/7 but I am not and it seems my only option is to leave 😢

@gabsdot45, harsh!!!
DD is 13 and DS is 16

Down tools and strike action. Give them a fair warning. Show them how to use the washing machine. Print off a pasta recipe.
It worked for me.
Are they afraid of cooking for the family? Start with pizza or chicken thighs and veg in a roasting tin.
Praise everything!

Good luck OP and stick to your guns.

Honestly willowmelangell all of that has been done, many many times. I just seem to live my life checking if they've done their chores, asking them when they're going to do them, noticing a few hours later that they haven't, pointing it out, everyone gets arsy with me.

Leave exercise alone - them not exercising doesn't have any impact on you and is the bit that looks unnecessarily controlling. Chances are that if you leave it alone, given all the pandemic restrictions, they'll want to go outside for a walk/bike ride etc in a couple of days or find eg. you tube exercise videos or something.

Re not doing cooking / cleaning / laundry / other household stuff, I'd suggest letting them see your tiredness/wornout-ness. Appeal to their empathy person to person. Many people aren't very enthusiastic about cooking, but are OK with doing it when it helps out somebody else in the household who's had a difficult day or as part of a rota ish system where some days they cook and other days someone else cooks. You could say eg. I'm not cooking on Tuesdays as I have to go from work to my class with only a 45 minute gap (or whatever the situation is) - I'll make myself a sandwich, you lot can fend for yourselves.

In terms of standard for doing jobs, might either of your teenagers have concluded that there's no point in doing a job, because you won't like the way they've done it and will just complain about it/redo it yourself?

@BloggersNetwork

Honestly willowmelangell all of that has been done, many many times. I just seem to live my life checking if they've done their chores, asking them when they're going to do them, noticing a few hours later that they haven't, pointing it out, everyone gets arsy with me.

I think there's a bigger issue than the chores here - if they are not only being bone idle but getting arsey with you when you challenge them, it sounds to me like they have very little respect for you. That's a huge issue that you could do with working on - but you might need your DH to back you up. I have teen DC and yes, they can be lazy and unhelpful, but if they try getting arsey with me, that lasts about 1.5 seconds before they get the wrong side of my tongue. I usually get an apology plus chore done straightaway. Stick up for yourself! YOU be arsey! You're IN CHARGE.