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Original poster

How to tell her to stop with the criticism

48 replies

BackOffJane · 01/01/2021 22:24

Long time poster, username changed to protect the (not so) innocent.

I work with two other people - A and B. A works three days, B works two days, I work two days. So say A works M-W, B works M-T and I work W-Th. We're all on the same level, same pay, same job. A has the same amount (maybe a little less) experience than I have, B has a lot (a decade or so) more than us.

B isn't the problem, it's A. A constantly comments on what I do, it's like a never-ending flow of criticism. It doesn't matter what I do, it's wrong.

Examples - in the time I've worked there we've always done something a certain way, I'll do it one day and it's changed. No one told me, I'm supposed to just guess a procedure has changed. A is exasperated that I've done it wrong, how could I not know?! It's not a big deal, I know now, no lives where lost. Let's move on. But no, from that day forth, she mentions it. Remember we do X now, not Y! Yes, thank you, I know. Times this by every part of my job. Even stupid things like leaving water in the kettle - we've always left water in the kettle to prevent anyone dry boiling it and we empty it every night. Oh no, now we must empty it every time. "Look, could you PLEASE empty the kettle after you use it, there is no need to leave water in it." Confused and so on, the pen I'm using, the way I've filed this, the way I've opened a window. On and on and on.

She also likes to "joke" that I'm lazy. If I go off to do a task out of sight, she comments loudly that I should be "doing my job" rather that lounging around, hahaha Hmm One time she was asked to do something, a quick task but she was in the middle of something, so I offered to do it. She turned around and scowled at me, "allow me to do my job, please." But she has no problems doing things I've been specifically asked to do. It makes no difference who does them as long as they're done.

A would never talk to B how she talks to me. If B is around A is fine, it's just on the day I'm alone with her that she lets it rip. B is lovely and doesn't have any problems with how I do my job. My boss is happy with me, everyone I work with doesn't have a problem - I've asked! They've even commented on how A treats me. Unfortunately moving away from working with A isn't possible.

So, MN hive mind. I need some come backs. I'm dreading going into work on Tuesday. I need something in my back pocket to reply with to get her to understand I'm capable of doing my job and she needn't continue critiquing everything I do. I'm terrible with conflict and up until now I've just nodded and smiled but I need it to stop. Help.

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 01/01/2021 22:29

This person is on the same level as you - just be direct.
Tell her to cut out the constant criticism and comments as she is like a constant irritant.
Tell her if she had the ability to be in a more senior role she needs to apply for and get it - but as for now, she isn't in a position to advise or manage anybody so just button it.

Fatfunt · 01/01/2021 22:31

Time for you to start changing few things around work place and then making her look stupid when she does them wrong. Can’t think of any examples though, sorry. And yeah, she sounds like a bitch!!

NovemberR · 01/01/2021 22:42

I'd just say Please stop criticising me. It is constant and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any longer.

If she continues I would ask to speak to the boss and ask them what their complaints procedure is about bullying in the workplace. You say they've commented on how A treats you - so they should be dealing with it.

BonnieDundee · 01/01/2021 22:45

You need to keep a note of what she says and when. Then go to your manager with it

dieselKiller · 01/01/2021 22:45

“They've even commented on how A treats me.”

How did you respond? That they commented on this suggests that they think she’s treating you unfairly and would like to do something about it. Sounds like you’ve got support there.

Ihatemyseleffordoingthis · 01/01/2021 22:48

Either what November says or speak to manager and ask for them to intervene.

She won't like comebacks and quips. She either thinks she's engaging you or thinks that as she works marginally more hours than you that she is your senior colleague.

Wellpark · 01/01/2021 22:54

Keep it polite( ie don't say eff off) but firmly tell her where to get off. And mean it.

GrumpyHoonMain · 01/01/2021 23:01

I wouldn’t talk to her first, I’d go to her manager. It’s a behaviour problem so it’s their job to manage it.

Pechanga · 01/01/2021 23:07

First off you need to be direct. Tell her to stop, firmly.
If she continues then you need to request a meeting with her & your boss to hash things out.

She speaks to you this way because you allow it - perhaps she senses you aren't very assertive.

She sounds absolutely awful, I'm sure your other colleagues see what's going on and feel for you.

It would be unprofessional to involve them though, you need to tackle this with her yourself.

Plonque · 01/01/2021 23:10

Write it down over a period then it's official complaint time. If others have noticed, you're halfway there anyway.

HoneysuckIejasmine · 01/01/2021 23:10

Speak to your manager. And write down what you can remember in as much detail and possible, and ask your colleagues who have commented on it if they are prepared to make a statement to that effect.

This is bullying behaviour, OP.

Pinkfreesias · 01/01/2021 23:20

In the first instance, I think you need to ask her politely to stop with the cruel, unnecessary and unjustified comments. I would tell her that any further comments from her will be written down and you will take it to your manager.

Someone earlier in the thread seemed to be almost blaming you for being picked on for maybe not being assertive. I disagree. I would never treat someone the way you've been treated. A is the problem here not you.

Oreservoir · 01/01/2021 23:36

Ask A if she has an inferiority complex.
Tell her you can think of no other explanation for her constantly trying to undermine you at work and that if she doesn’t stop you’ll take it further.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 01/01/2021 23:52

@NovemberR

I'd just say Please stop criticising me. It is constant and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any longer.

If she continues I would ask to speak to the boss and ask them what their complaints procedure is about bullying in the workplace. You say they've commented on how A treats you - so they should be dealing with it.

^ This. It's perfect. Good luck.
Commonwasher · 01/01/2021 23:54

Tell her to wind her neck in.

And that your New Years resolution is to take no more of her catty jibes.

Commonwasher · 01/01/2021 23:56

But @NovemberR has a more sensible suggestion for a professional response. And yes, it is bullying so she needs to pack it in.

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/01/2021 23:58

Repeat what she says as she’s said them

‘I’ve opened the window wrong?’
‘I’ve left water in the kettle?’
‘Oh I’ve got the wrong colored knickers on?’

This way she ‘hears’ what’s she said abs now the balls in her court to justify what she’s said

She won’t be expecting that’s it’s ‘her’ turn to speak abs won’t have an answer - DO NOT fill the silence tilt your head abs wait for her to answer ..:

Once you get the hang of it, it will become natural to say it ... if you have someone at home practice doing this with each other abs see how awkward it is.

This way you haven’t actually said anything mean or horrible, you’re just waiting ..

AIMD · 02/01/2021 00:03

@NovemberR

I'd just say Please stop criticising me. It is constant and I'm not prepared to tolerate it any longer.

If she continues I would ask to speak to the boss and ask them what their complaints procedure is about bullying in the workplace. You say they've commented on how A treats you - so they should be dealing with it.

Totally agree with this.

Start making a note and keeping copies of any emails etc as evidence. Try dealing with it directly with her but don’t put up with it if it doesn’t change.

Marine all her why she comments more when it’s just you two and not A. Maybe mention to her that other people have told you they’ve noticed how she treats you too.

LumpyPillow · 02/01/2021 00:14

You have my sincere condolences. I've worked with this type of person. I agree with others, be direct.

There's never any complete let up because they are control freaks and deeply unhappy, but be very firm and direct and also speak to your manager, keep a log.

What is up with their rules though? Why can't you leave water in a kettle?!?! I absolutely despise these office twats who impose their own bonkers rules on everyone else. Its funny because one woman I work with goes absolutely nuclear if you do the opposite, if you leave the kettle empty after you make a cup of tea, that is apparently, very very rude and inconsiderate.

I thought the act of filling a kettle was a normal part of making a cup of tea and never would have considered it the responsibility of the person who last had one before me, to fill the kettle. Apparently not! Utter petty madness. She spends all her time mad, because obviously no one does as she instructs, because its mental. She makes great aggressive laminated stickers and posters in communal areas too. Grin

recklessruby · 02/01/2021 00:27

First of all stop nodding and smiling. Tell her you are both on the same level and you will be talking to the boss about bullying if she doesn't stop the snide comments.
I would probably tell her her rules are stupid too. Pouring perfectly good water away is wasteful and how is there a correct way to open a window?
Like school bullies shes probably insecure and deeply unhappy for some reason but that is not your problem.

Tier4billion · 02/01/2021 00:27

I used to work with someone like this and it’s draining.
Ideally he direct and tackle it immediately next time she does it.
“I’ve noticed that you seem to comment on my every move and it’s unjustified so I’m requesting that you stop”.

ktp100 · 02/01/2021 00:36

I'd speak to your manager about it (or HR if your company is big enough) and state that you want the issue on record before you raise the issue with her as you feel she is unlikely to take the conversation well as she shows you little to no respect. That way if things do worsen you have some backing.

I'd also speak to the people who have commented on the way she speaks to you and make sure the issue is fresh in their minds in case they are asked about it by management.

It sounds like she wants to top dog you and unfortunately your grinning and baring it has led her to believe you are a push over.

Time to put her in her place, OP!

Good luck!!

Merryoldgoat · 02/01/2021 00:53

You need to be direct and possibly a little more confrontational than you may be comfortable.

‘Sheila - I don’t know why you feel the need to criticise me all the time but it stops today. If you have a problem we can call Sarah in now and get this sorted but I cannot accept this any longer.’

Or you can talk to your manager if they are good.

I would not accept this behaviour under any circumstances from my staff.

WhatsErFace2020 · 02/01/2021 09:37

@BluebellsGreenbells

Repeat what she says as she’s said them

‘I’ve opened the window wrong?’
‘I’ve left water in the kettle?’
‘Oh I’ve got the wrong colored knickers on?’

This way she ‘hears’ what’s she said abs now the balls in her court to justify what she’s said

She won’t be expecting that’s it’s ‘her’ turn to speak abs won’t have an answer - DO NOT fill the silence tilt your head abs wait for her to answer ..:

Once you get the hang of it, it will become natural to say it ... if you have someone at home practice doing this with each other abs see how awkward it is.

This way you haven’t actually said anything mean or horrible, you’re just waiting ..

@BluebellsGreenbells this is absolutely perfect 👌 I would definitely second this as the first way to approach it. If it still persists then you should confront her about it, as you’ve consistently been repeating her criticisms of you so it won’t come as a shock (imagine she will feign innocence otherwise) final step would be to speak to your line manager
Original poster
BackOffJane · 02/01/2021 18:14

Thank you for all of your replies. I think I'll start documenting and maybe have an informal chat with my line manager about things. My manager isn't likely to have noticed, we don't work together and our team is in a different part of the building, but staff who share our space have absolutely noticed. She isn't like it with anyone else.

I like the idea of turning her comments into a question and asking her. That might be my first strategy.

I've found myself asking her how to do things before I do them so I can limit the criticism, but that makes me look incompetent when I'm definitely not. I think I'll also start writing procedures down so I have them to refer back to the next time she tries to tell me I'm wrong. If only so I can show management the type of things she has an issue with.

For those asking how you open a window incorrectly - too far or not enough. Doesn't matter which way, it's wrong, and she has to huff around "fixing" it while telling me off. She has even taken issue with how I opened a door before, I wasn't forceful at all, she just didn't like it Confused

OP posts: