How to tell her to stop with the criticism

[BackOffJane]

Long time poster, username changed to protect the (not so) innocent.

I work with two other people - A and B. A works three days, B works two days, I work two days. So say A works M-W, B works M-T and I work W-Th. We're all on the same level, same pay, same job. A has the same amount (maybe a little less) experience than I have, B has a lot (a decade or so) more than us.

B isn't the problem, it's A. A constantly comments on what I do, it's like a never-ending flow of criticism. It doesn't matter what I do, it's wrong.

Examples - in the time I've worked there we've always done something a certain way, I'll do it one day and it's changed. No one told me, I'm supposed to just guess a procedure has changed. A is exasperated that I've done it wrong, how could I not know?! It's not a big deal, I know now, no lives where lost. Let's move on. But no, from that day forth, she mentions it. Remember we do X now, not Y! Yes, thank you, I know. Times this by every part of my job. Even stupid things like leaving water in the kettle - we've always left water in the kettle to prevent anyone dry boiling it and we empty it every night. Oh no, now we must empty it every time. "Look, could you PLEASE empty the kettle after you use it, there is no need to leave water in it." and so on, the pen I'm using, the way I've filed this, the way I've opened a window. On and on and on.

She also likes to "joke" that I'm lazy. If I go off to do a task out of sight, she comments loudly that I should be "doing my job" rather that lounging around, hahaha One time she was asked to do something, a quick task but she was in the middle of something, so I offered to do it. She turned around and scowled at me, "allow me to do my job, please." But she has no problems doing things I've been specifically asked to do. It makes no difference who does them as long as they're done.

A would never talk to B how she talks to me. If B is around A is fine, it's just on the day I'm alone with her that she lets it rip. B is lovely and doesn't have any problems with how I do my job. My boss is happy with me, everyone I work with doesn't have a problem - I've asked! They've even commented on how A treats me. Unfortunately moving away from working with A isn't possible.

So, MN hive mind. I need some come backs. I'm dreading going into work on Tuesday. I need something in my back pocket to reply with to get her to understand I'm capable of doing my job and she needn't continue critiquing everything I do. I'm terrible with conflict and up until now I've just nodded and smiled but I need it to stop. Help.

I've worked with a woman like this. Tried all nice tactics
Only thing that worked was me being rude back. She burst into tears and never did it again
I felt bad for being rude but it worked- I grew a backbone and she realised that

'Are you aware that you are constantly criticising everything I do? Are you conscious of the effect it has on me? If you stop to think about it, how important is it to you that the kettle gets emptied? If you are a stickler for rules, why don't you ensure that clear memos are sent out in advance to inform part time staff of procedural changes, rather than publicly ridiculing me for not knowing something you had failed to inform me of? Can I remind you we are peers, you are not my boss and this perpetual attempt to humiliate me professionally and undermine me is noticed by others in the department and doesn't reflect well on you?'

Commiserations. I worked with someone like this years ago when I was a long-term temp. I had to work mornings in her department and afternoons in another one so at least I only had to put up with her for half the day. After two months I went to work elsewhere as another booking came up for me and the poor third person in the office was very upset as we were both aware she would now become the next target for Miss Bully.

@Labobo
This, quote Labobo's post, excellent reply then rinse and repeat if needed

Write down the dictionary definition of a bully and pin it on the wall. And over the kettle.

@BackOffJane I also have experience and it led to a really awful time with my anxiety spiralling out of control. It had a profound effect on my sense of self even though I'm usually a very confident person in my work and I know I am competent.

@BluebellsGreenbells approach is excellent for an "in the moment" response. It gives you a place to go and time to pause and release some tension/stress. Do some deep breaths of you can while you're waiting.

Alongside that you will have to confront your fear of confrontation! 4 years later (and other things not work related) I have finally learned how to be solid and sure of my thought processes and responses. And it is actually very rarely confrontational. If anything you can see much more clearly who is fine but sometimes a bit edgy and who has much deeper issues (I suspect your colleague is the latter).

I don't think asking questions back is going to work.
You will have to be assertive. Speak to your boss first and then tell her boss is happy with your work and you don't need her to comment on your work. If she persists you will request a meeting with boss to discuss. Don't let her do tasks allocated to you. She'll purposefully mess them up and blame you.

Good replies here and I am very at the kettle filling scenario. None of her business who or how the kettle is filled. I would totally ignore her when starts going into a hissy fit when it isn't done to here liking. I would be very tempted to say whatever suit yourself and walk off.

She sounds exhausting. I think next time she makes a comment, (how the eff can you open a window wrong?) you should very firmly say 'will you please just stop'. Then tell her that she isn't your superior and you've documented many examples of her behaviour and will be going to speak to someone higher up.
Don't engage her any further.

The thing with the kettle, just ask her why you should waste water like that.

I would ask her if there is a problem because she is becoming more and more unhinged lately. I mean who complains about how someone opens a window? I wouldn't bother playing nice especially if others are aware of how she treats you. Speak to your boss and make them aware of the situation and that you will no longer be tolerating the behaviour.

The only way to deal with bullies like this is to be totally direct and not give any wiggle room for them, so I agree with November's approach. I wouldn't ask her questions, there's too much room for her to just repeat what she said and continue to tell you off, and it doesn't sound like she is the sort to reflect on her own behaviour and realise how ridiculous she sounds.

Why the hell does she want the kettle to be emptied ? (Misses point of thread.)

Op what industry are you in? The window and kettle thing leads me to a hospitality one?

If I'm not wrong there should be written guidelines about how things should be done.

For heaven's sake, just call her out on it. She's not your boss and, even if she was, this belittling behaviour is just not on. The very next time she criticises you, you need to very firmly tell her to stop it.

X, can I talk to you at 10am please.

• can I ask why you frequently make attempts to undermine and criticise me, and talk to me differently when other members of the team are not present? (have a list of at least ten examples and don't minimise them, just state the facts of what she said and ask 'would you speak to B that way?' State that if it continues you will be forced to discuss with manager. State that others have commented on it but don't tell her who. (It might be a good idea to let your manager know you are going to attempt to address it with her and write notes about the conversation).

I disagree with some PP, don't ask her why she's behaving as she is. It doesn't matter why. Only that she stops. Tell her directly that her behaviour towards you is impacting you negatively and that it needs to stop - if it doesn't, then you'll be making a formal complaint to your manager. The end. There's no need for discussion, debate, any dialogue really.

Just to add, let her see you writing down every snide little comment she makes to you from now on.

This is bullying, take it to LM and HR.

If you would like a more passive aggressive approach, bring in a different coloured notebook, when she makes comments like that ostentatiously take it out and write it down in your notebook while otherwise completely ignoring her.

@dangerrabbit

If you would like a more passive aggressive approach, bring in a different coloured notebook, when she makes comments like that ostentatiously take it out and write it down in your notebook while otherwise completely ignoring her.

I was just coming on to suggest this. I'd tell her too. I'd wait for her to ask and say "you're very critical of my work, I'm taking notes of each criticism in case I should need the details in the future..."

Get a notebook. Every time she speaks to you, write down the time and date and the exact words that were used. This is your evidence. You need a clear course of bullying conduct to use when you approach your manager. He said/she said isn’t enough. Stop smiling and nodding. Ignore her as best you can. You have your set of tasks and she has hers. Do not engage with her. If she asks you a work related question - answer it. No chitchat. When and if you need to speak to her, don’t look at her in the eye, look at her just over her right shoulder into the distance. It will make her lose focus and she won’t be quite sure why. Good luck.

Write down each incident however tiny, times and dates. She will not have done this. Then see manager and/or HR before you tackle her yourself. It is likely she will turn it round to you being unreasonable/bullying.

Definitely start obviously writing down every comment. Even ask her to repeat what she's said so you can record it accurately or look at your watch/mention the time so there's no doubt that you're recording every example of her petty power trip. If she asks what you're doing just say, oh I'm just keeping a note of every time you criticise me, or X (manager) asked me to keep a note of all your inappropriate comments (if you've spoken to your manager first, obviously). Smile and walk away.