To want to reduce contact with religious zealot in-law?

[ZOhZee]

I've been married 15 years and known my in laws for longer. I'm an agnostic. DH is even stronger into the atheist camp. Religion isn't something that our household focuses on.. it's akin to saying something about cricket if we don't follow it.. not a controversial topic, just irrelevant.

A certain in law has become extremely religious during the pandemic, to the point I'm not comfortable, especially exposing our DC to them. Everything conversation wise gets routed to religion (a pure Christian firm, very orthodox, questioning evidence of science, medicine etc, world isn't more than a few thousand years old theories etc).

I'm concerned at the constant turning of every day topics into religious debate when we visit for care during lockdown, to help them in elderly care matters. I swear if I said it might rain I'll get "god willing" in response. Or if I say the carrots look nicely cooked I'll get "thanks to the lord" ... Everything is turned to scripture, and I didn't sign up to this type of family dynamic. DH thinks it's harmless batshit from a family member who's going a bit odd, I think it's frustrating and bizarre and actually harmful for every single innocent conversation to turn into science Vs religious debate (I, so far. Simply change the subject and ignore, I will not debate).

Aibu to want to reduce contact with this relative / in-law, despite DH thinking it harmless, because of DC..?

(DC do not really know what religion is at 2 but I'm worried they'll pick up distrust of doctors etc)

Well how close are you to this person? I wouldn,t cut them off but you don,t have to see them every wk do you? Saying "God willing " or "praise to god" really is no skin off your nose if you don,t believe. Perhaps keep interactions short and to the point. He does seem to have a certain stance of religion most christians I know are quite scietific minded.

FIL.

It's got to the point where DC can't eat anything without it being blessed / "saying Grace" (which is so uncomfortable because for 14 years of being in the family, this person wasn't religious at all, I wouldn't say atheist but religious stuff has never been brought up). It's intensely wierd to encounter all of a sudden. Especially the distrust of e.g. hospitals and drs.

If your having a meal round a religious persons house and they say grace, thats not really efecting you though is it. The distrust of hospitals and doctors is a little Wierd, and not really bible based.

It sounds to me like you are feeling really threatened by it but yet nothing you describe actually seems threatening, but totally harmless.

I suspect you have an issue with his religion. If he'd become a zealot for something else, say healthy living - eating nothing but raw food and exercising obsessively - would you have as strong a reaction?

Yes, I think YABU to reduce contact. The grown up thing to do would be to have a conversation about the sudden change in their views. Explain to them politely that you are agnostic and don't need anyone pushing their views onto you and ask them to refrain from discussing religion in your company. Also tell them not to bring it up in front of your child as you don't want them to be indoctrinated by their views. If they regularly ignore your request then consider reducing contact. Please remember your DH obviously loves his DF and isn't overly worried by his behaviour. If you reduce contact it sounds as if it could have a detrimental effect on the relationship between you and your DH.

I hate to mention it so soon in the thread and have posters yell at me, but is this person old enough to have developed dementia? I only ask as I knew of someone that suddenly became extremely uber-religious out of nowhere and was then diagnosed with dementia, which was assumed to have caused the fixation. It was like an obsession/compulsion combined with paranoia, which it sounds a bit like in your relatives case?

This doesn’t sound like a faith issue to me. I didn’t want to go all mumsnet on this issue but could they be having some kind of breakdown? Or fallen down a social media worm hole of anti medical issues / anti science?

Yanbu, I removed someone from Facebook because every post was some sort of religious propaganda mixed with narcissism, I.e. 1 selfie a day with a message thanking the Lord to make the world so good.

I dont think its harmful for your child, as your family's view (as yours & your husband's) will prevail. However they might start to convince your child and that would not be okay.

I'm sorry but I will not say Grace before eating in a religious person's house. They are of course welcome & entitled to but there's no way on Earth I'll join in. I'd wait respectfully until they finished but no more than that. I don't say prayers / sing hymns at weddings & funerals either.

Saying thanks the lord for nicely cooked carrots is disrespectful to the OP - she had no part in it, it was all (his) God's doing? No thanks.

Just leave all the caring to your DH. Its his dad, not your responsibility.
If you know his gp, your DH should ring them and let them know this sudden complete personality change.

If it was healthy eating or vegetarian or fitness,no, I suspect I'd not say or think much if I'm being honest. I

But this feels like a different person than I knew / known for 14 years. FIL is mid 70s so honestly I've no idea if dementia is likely, I will speak to DH as iv6 been so uncomfortable at the infrequent visiting during lockdown that the latest visit to ensure adequate care (lives alone, we went to clean and ensure enough food) I was quite shocked, it was like a different person. Albeit I know there were indications of this at the last 3 or 4 visits. I was shocked at how much every single conversation, trivial etc. Always turned to religion, it was unnerving

Yes this relative gas mentioned looking at Christian American you tube videos, has books about fundamentalist Christianity on the bookshelf for the first time ever tomy knowledge.

I wonder whether he may be at the stage of needing a bit of outside help, if he has changed as a person as well as needing assistance with feeding, cleaning etc.

I have never thought it was my place to decide that we should limit contact with one of DHs relatives, especially his dad who talks a lot of rubbish but is very much loved by DH.

I don’t know what harm you think will come to your children by him saying grace or god willing. I went to a strict catholic school in the 70s and 80s, said grace before lunch every day and grace after lunch as well. I have never been remotely religious myself.

It would be an opportunity for discussion in our house. A chance to address the issues they raise and give alternative ways of thinking.

We have (different) religious family members of varying degrees on both sides. We use it as a learning point. We’ve also given them a basic knowledge of the less talked about religions when in primary school using age appropriate material. (Usborne books are great for this.)

Essentially, teaching them critical thinking. How to acknowledge differences, how and where to find information and decide what you think rather than accepting the views of others without questioning.

I agree with you OP. I would find it odd and worrying and wouldn't want my child raised with strong views of any kind being able to influence them.

Dimentia? Encourage your DH to get him checked

It doesn't sound like they're trying to persuade you to believe it though... So not really sure why it's an issue. Just smile and nod and move on... In my experience most elderly parents start having some extreme views (e.g not believing in science) at some point. But seeing as probably around 2/3 of the world's population believes in some kind of deity, including me, his belief in God and expression of that surely can't be a problem? Whatever happened to tolerance? If you expect religious people to be tolerant of your views, you must do the same for them.

Apriox it's unnerving because it's like a personality transplant.. I'm not religious, family was CofE if anything, but we all went to a state school, DH too, and religion just isn't something that has ever literally been talked about at my family or in dh's.. it's like someone suddenly being Uber, uber into something really niche to the point you can't talk about the weather or food without it turning into scripture comments, and I don't know what to say because I really feel like I'm not talking to the person I "know"...

A good example is I mentioned it was tough to get our DC out of the car seat in the visitor car parking bays (it's an area with parking permit for residential cars, pay and display for visitors) because the council have moved some traffic lights and a pedestrian island, making it so 5yat there's no break in the traffic flow to get a child out of a car seat as safe as before, the cars are so aggressive on that road.. yet I can't even say that without this "stranger" saying that god's will will prevail if there's an accident?! I mean, FFS, this is their grandkid, and this is someone who for 14 years I've assumed was as religiously ambivalent as us talking?

It's bizarre and I don't know how much is covid triggered or being in a mental health crisis, I will be speaking to DH as my assumption is the same (local) GP as before may be able to advise, as when DH still lived at home. I don't know if DH could register as concerned or asking for a dementia check or something etc??

I find it sad that you can find a person's faith "frustrating and bizarre" just because you don't share it. Very sad that you want to cut them out because of it. I personally love being around different people from faiths and cultures other than my own as a chance to learn about and begin to understand a different viewpoint and way of life. I think you need to learn some tolerance and respect for different religions. Nothing you have said sounds even remotely worrying (and distrust of medical professionals will be their own personal fear/opinion and cannot be blamed on Christianity. This post has made me feel really sad for your poor relative.

He said we were going to hell if we didn't accept the "one true religion" when I talked about the parking traffic getting worse

Sorry, as in, if DC were to be hit by the cars getting out of the car seat (DC not christened)

Honestly, i would be more worried about my child being exposed to the idea that people of different religions need to be shut out of our lives/treated like they've done something wrong if we don't share their view! What worrying thing for a child to learn.

I'd see it as a bit of harmless, albeit irritating, nonsense

YABU to react this strongly to what it really an older person displaying drastic change in personality or outlook.
If DH was concerned about the change then I'd be tempted to suggest he gets some clinical advice or speak to a dementia charity on how to respond to the situation.

Otherwise I'd be more concerned about my children seeing that the response to different beliefs is to reduce contact with people and if someone is elderly and changes then you freeze them out.

I'd make sure your dcs are very busy elsewhere, isolating or concentrating on schoolwork from now on and go very low contact.

Your relative is free to hold those views but not to inflict them on someone else's children.