To want to reduce contact with religious zealot in-law?

[ZOhZee]

I've been married 15 years and known my in laws for longer. I'm an agnostic. DH is even stronger into the atheist camp. Religion isn't something that our household focuses on.. it's akin to saying something about cricket if we don't follow it.. not a controversial topic, just irrelevant.

A certain in law has become extremely religious during the pandemic, to the point I'm not comfortable, especially exposing our DC to them. Everything conversation wise gets routed to religion (a pure Christian firm, very orthodox, questioning evidence of science, medicine etc, world isn't more than a few thousand years old theories etc).

I'm concerned at the constant turning of every day topics into religious debate when we visit for care during lockdown, to help them in elderly care matters. I swear if I said it might rain I'll get "god willing" in response. Or if I say the carrots look nicely cooked I'll get "thanks to the lord" ... Everything is turned to scripture, and I didn't sign up to this type of family dynamic. DH thinks it's harmless batshit from a family member who's going a bit odd, I think it's frustrating and bizarre and actually harmful for every single innocent conversation to turn into science Vs religious debate (I, so far. Simply change the subject and ignore, I will not debate).

Aibu to want to reduce contact with this relative / in-law, despite DH thinking it harmless, because of DC..?

(DC do not really know what religion is at 2 but I'm worried they'll pick up distrust of doctors etc)

a change in personality, or behaviour, is a clear sign of possible dementia, i'm afraid.
it's hard to understand until you have seen and had to deal with it close up.
obsessions, sudden interests, changes of taste, disinhibition, seeming selfishness, unkindness, uncaring, detached, or paranoia. so many different manifestations.
if it is dementia, never contradict or seek to correct the person.
it can be a steep learning curve. good luck.

I think it sounds like he's become afraid of his own mortality and is trying to take some form of control through religion. It's quite common for older people to turn to religion and that'll have been exacerbated by covid, with the fear of death being so intense.

Just ignore it, dont encourage debate and make sure your kids know that he's not being sensible.

YABU- you know you are. I've met a small number of people who are very small minded, don't associate with anyone unless they share similar values/ beliefs, have little knowledge about other peoples cultures and religious beliefs, often not very nice and quite discriminatory. When I meet these people, I think to myself-- it's probably the way their parents have brought them up. Your post has proved that. It's a shame for your children really.

YABU very U. As people get older they do change. I remember starting to actively get annoyed at my poor demented grandma because she was so determined to find fault in modern life and big up the past. It never would have occurred to me to stop visiting her and cut her out of my life.

As you get older you could well change. You will have to hope you dont have a son or daughter in law encouraging your dc to bin you off.

I think the religious stuff is a red herring. I'm religious but I strap my children into car seats. This person sounds a bit mad. Your poor dh. You should be supporting your dh with dealing with aging parent and hopefully your dc will get to know their grandad whilst he is still around .

Show some compassion. How is them saying grace affecting you? So you have nothing to talk to aging FIL about now he's super religious. So what? I have nothing much to say to mine. I pass the time of day as best I can, opt for uncomfortable silence. I see my ILs for dh's sake and for my dc to have memories of their family.

I dont see how a 2yo is in any danger of picking up silly ideas from grandad. You can set him right. I think you are attributing way too much influence to FIL and way more understanding to your dc.

Tell your DC it’s a sign of insanity and delusion. Hopefully they can see the hilarity of your FIL. I have some bible bashers in my family, I guess they think their extremism is going to make up for their hideously ungodly 20s 30s and 40s 😆

REligion is neither a sign of insanity or delusion. Is the Dala Lama insane? Is the Arch bishop of CAtebury insane? You may think their delusional. they may think the same for you.

You're not being unreasonable at all.

From what you've said, this is a complete lack of normal conversation, from a man who'm you've previously been able to talk to. It sounds like something is very very wrong.

Religion on its own is fine in my book, I believe deeply. But when every single conversation gets turned to that and nothing but that, then something is wrong with the person; if nothing else, we are supposed to respect other people including their opinions, and shoving religion down anyone's throat until they choke is not what the Deity wants. Unfortunately, a lot of people are not very good at reading what a poster actually posts, they just pick up on one aspect and then write what they want to write.

It really sounds like something is wrong.

He's your husband's father. He deserves respect but I don't think your children need to be exposed to this constantly. I do thnk you need to get this checked out medically first. Beyond that I think you need to let your children see him, but not too often. This can be unsettling, even frightening for them if he's changed so very much.

For your husband and yourself, I think that you have to grit your teeth and bear it. He's his dad, and your FIL. Do what you can, detach from -what- he's saying and consider the love and care he showed your husband (and later, you?) all these years.

er, on rereading, at age 2 the change from Old FIL to New FIL isn't going to affect your son in itself. But I'd be worried about the "you're going to hell" business; this sort of stuff can percolate deep very very young

I am atheist but I feel Yabu
You are able to limit your child’s contact
This elderly man is trying to cope with virus fears, his looming mortality and probably loneliness

I feel he deserves respect. The small comments and prayers are immaterial to you and your children need to experience the fact that there are religious people in the world and be respectful. This is good for them to learn this. You can easily have conversations as they get older about differing beliefs

If he starts shouting hellfire type stuff at them then you can easily respectfully tell him he has gone too far then send them off to another room or bring them less often. But they deserve to have a relationship with their grandad

Hi Op
The religious faith conversion of your father in law recently.
Is obviously a strong reaction to these extremly weird,uncertainty Turbulent /Times we currently are living at.

With so change that has happened in 2020,no wonder some people are grasping on to weird Conspirities/or Realigeous Theology etc
To have reassurance of something that seems normal like religion being around for eons of time..

Or it could the signs of severe mental health difficulties..
Obvious cause of Father in law age Alterziemas disorder,
It could be something else relating to mental health struggles too.

If your FIL has had to spend a lot of his time staying and shielding maybe this is his way of staying same and finding his comfort in all the bad news. It's seems a bit over the top to cut him off. When I was aboard a cafe I used regularly would have these American Evangelical prechers on a loop. They are very high energy with their crowd rallying. Maybe he needs this at the moment.

I am not religious, but I agree with your DH - you are reading way too much into this. You don't live with him and visit intermittently - it maybe be irritating but are you sure you are not using this for an excuse to cut him loose.

Can you ask you DH to have a word with him - say you are finding it too much and ask if he can tone it down. Grace is not such a big deal. You really can't let a 'thank the lord' comment about some carrots go by. But all the mistrust of the medical profession could be knocked on the head.

I wouldn't worry too about your two year old. My kids went to Catholic school from reception the year 3. We moved and they are in a non denominational school and they barely remember a thing with regards to religion.

Maybe anxiety due to Covid has triggered them suddenly being into religion...could it be a source of strength and a way to get through it with hope? Feel you though, our friend married someone like that. We try avoiding and redirecting there is a chance religion is coming up.

Does it really matter? He can say what he likes in own house. It's hardly offensive.

If your child has any questions about religion then you can answer them according to your own beliefs. I don't see how an elderly relative banging on about Jesus is particularly harmful for a child.

Lots of elderly people from my childhood were very religious and talked about it a lot. It didn't have much of an effect on me at all.

Is this the first time your FIL has discovered religion? Those types can get pretty irritating, with this new amazing knowledge they’re bursting with enthusiasm and many seem to feel the need to spread the love by making everything all about religion, which is actually quite disrespectful of your beliefs when he would know you don’t feel the same. He may also be behaving in this way to try and “convert” you.

Whatever the reasons, yes it’s irritating, but I would also feel a bit sorry for him. Religion should be between a person and their God, not rammed down the throats of anyone else who comes near him.

If he was just a friend I’d say back right off but if as it’s your FIL that would be mean. I don’t know if you mentioned the age of your kids (can’t scroll back as would have to type all this again) but it might be an opportunity to explain to them gently how people are different and believe different things which is ok (maybe an opportunity to share your beliefs or tell them about eastern religions too, Buddha, etc).

Why shouldn't he say grace in his own house? There's nothing wrong in giving thanks for food. It's an outward expression of gratitude that we have enough to eat. It's hardly a bad message for your child to learn.

Your child has a right to know their grandparents. Your DH is not concerned.

Personally, I don't see what is so wrong about allowing your child to be exposed to people with different beliefs, either. Would you have an issue with someone not allowing their child to spend time with your child because your family didn't believe in God?

It really doesn't sound that difficult to put up with. I think YABU - if they suddenly developed an overwhelming obsession with something else would it bother you so much? If you feel there is a chance your FIL is developing dementia or something similar then your DH can act on that, but it sounds very tame to me and wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

Take the religious aspect out of the equation. Can he have a normal, everyday conversation? Has he altered dramatically in his personality, character, behaviour? For instance personal care and eating/drinking. Does he leave the house? I can understand why you would be concerned by the sudden change of personality and behaviour. I would be too, I honestly think this is less to do with finding religion and more to do with his physical and mental health. Please get him checked out.

Tough one. I am a staunch atheist and trying to bring up DD as a freethinker but it's hard when religious relatives tell your children they are going to hell for not being Christened or for not attending church. On the other hand, it's his house and he can do what he likes in it. I do think a dementia assessment is needed to see if this new found adherence to the Christian faith is linked. It could be a mental health thing as well. The last ten months have been a b*tch to a lot of people's state of mind.

I think that not wanting your young child to hear that they are going to hell if they die or that if they have an accident it is because god decided to allow it. is not actually close minded in any way.
Regardless of which faith you are from as an adult there are more or less appropriate ways of living that faith around children.
If someone is unable or unwilling to moderate their behaviour and conversation around children then you can choose to remove your child from being in their presence.

Tolerance, the ability or willingness to tolerate the existence of opinions or behaviours that one dislikes or disagrees with.

All this no contact, low contact, no exposure to others crazy ideas or beliefs is killing off tolerance and the result is polarisation.

And anybody advocating going no contact with an elderly man in the middle of a pandemic quite frankly, I can only hope their relatives do that to them when they are old and scared.

I have a relative who is a functioning alcoholic. I take and have taken my DS to see them since they were a baby. When they reach the stage that they are swearing and being unpredicatble in action and word I remove my DS from the situation... earlier when they were very little. I don't leave them alone and I keep an ear out for topics I may need to deal with in a better way.
I don't think that makes me intolerant.

My SIL is similar, casually drops into conversation that we're all going to hell because we haven't accepted Jesus into our hearts. I just ignore it and change the subject, there's nothing else to be said.

I'd be worried if a person in 70s suddenly had a personality transplant. Could be Alzheimer's or dementia setting in?

I grew up with parents like these. I would say that for me it was deeply, deeply damaging. Unsurprisingly, for many years I had issues with low self esteem and anxiety. I would not want any child to have the childhood that I did. Currently, they are coming out with some truly batshit stuff.

That said, I'm not sure as to what you should do.

What denomination is it?

I've been through the opposite problem. I used to be very religious (my entire family was) our entire lives, but my husband and I left a few years ago realising it was all made up and bonkers ... we were Mormons/LDS. We had previously totally believed, held leadership Callings etc. Leaving was pretty traumatic for us.

Our parents remained,it's a bit of a difficult situation as they still pay and are offended by our choices to not do what we once did. Last Christmas my father sulked tor days because I said to him "do you want to do your thing" which by that I meant pray and apparently that was offensive whereas I thought it was being respectful to offer him to pray in our home when we don't believe.

I can see things from both sides now. I think religion can draw you in, it's not always about the actual religion/doctrine but about the community. It can quickly draw you in and put you at odds with outsiders.