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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP rude? or AIBU

35 replies

FlappingFanny · 01/01/2021 13:23

First off: Daily Mail journalists are all wankers!

Almost every time I speak to my DP he interrupts me mid 'first few' words to say something like 'wheres my phone' or 'I'm cold can you/I'm going to put the heating on' and then proceeds to pick up his phone and scroll or head to the thermostat etc... I've pointed it out a couple of times that he does this. Today I've just refused to carry on talking as I find it really rude. The last time I pointed it out and said I find it really rude and insulting and he denied it and denied he done it often so I dropped it and said next time ill point it out.

So today... He gets up at midday as he worked the night shift from home... although he was 'working' he was sleeping on the sofa as he didn't get any calls from customers so at 8am his shift finishes and I get up with the 3 dc and he goes up to bed.

he comes down at midday and sits at his pc to play a game (yes he is generally addicted to gaming and lazy) and I say:

'Oh btw... (I had something I was excited to tell him)

he sits up a bit and starts patting his pockets and looking around and says...

'wheres my phone'

and I basically said there you go you just did it again... he started saying no I just need my phone... I said DS has it and I walked off and carried on cleaning... he said to tell him what I was gonna say but I said no... not in a moody way at all. he said he wont talk to me for the rest of the day if I don't tell him, I said crack on. he said he wont cook dinner later... I said keep trying to push the trigger but it won't work and I just carried on doing what I was doing. he said it was me ruining the day and I said 'yeah ok whatever'

I wasn't moody at all just pointed out I'm not going to say what I was going to say as I feel like he always reaches for his phone as a coping strategy because he can't stand listening to me and needs a distraction... what else can I get from that seeing as its almost every time I speak to him? Feel like a total mug carrying on chatting to him when he clearly doesn't want to listen and I had taken the time before to explain how I feel about it so feel like it's pointless now. TBH I would have carried on if he just said oh sorry, it's a habit or something but he was outright denying it again so...

Anyway.. he stropped off back to bed which is where he is now

AIBU to think it's really rude? Maybe I am just highly boring but he chats to a lot of other people, his mates who he games with for hours a day, his colleagues who he works with hours a day, his mates, etc... I run my own business which takes most of my free time, have no business contacts, I don't game and chat to my friends all day, I'm with the kids 24/7, so he's the only adult I see for a minimal amount of time between his gaming, sleeping, and working so it's not like he's had too much time with me... in the evenings we game together for a couple of hours and I listen to his talk about work and the like during dinner time etc. either way, I just feel like shutting up now and not bothering to start conversations with him. Also starting to get a complex that I'm really boring and intolerable

OP posts:
MaskingForIt · 01/01/2021 13:26

He’s rude. I’d start doing it back to him, or just stop talking once he’s interrupted.

Candlesticking · 01/01/2021 13:27

Of course you’re not being unreasonable — he’s worse than rude, he seems to think you’re the aural equivalent of having the radio on in the background, turned down low so you can’t distinguish actual words.

LloydColeandtheCoconuts · 01/01/2021 13:28

Is this a new thing? It is bloody rude and I'd be annoyed. YANBU. No real advice but I'd give him a taste of his own medicine and do it to him. But I'm a petty cowWink
I'm sure other posters will have much better advice. Happy New Year Smile

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 13:29

Yes, he's rude and if he literally can't have a conversation with you then I'm not sure what your relationship is based on. Does he pull his weight for housework and childcare? I don't see how hd can.

Motivateinmotion · 01/01/2021 13:30

YANBU he is very rude!
So come on, what was the exciting thing... we’re here to listen Grin

Twiddlet · 01/01/2021 13:30

YANBU and I think you’ve nailed it when you say why you think he’s doing it. Point it out every single time he does it.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 01/01/2021 13:32

Fascinated to hear the opinion of someone who voted YABU?!

HugeAckmansWife · 01/01/2021 13:39

I think there's a real issue now with attention span and the security of having this device near to hand at all times. My DP has an incredibly annoying habit of reaching for his phone mid conversation to look up some unimportant detail about what we are talking about, or find the picture of the thing he is planning on buying (which I wouldn't know the difference between two of them anyway). Discussing his eldest going off to uni, we were talking in a general way about self sufficiency and he had to start tapping away to show me where it is on google maps - I don't need to see it, just tell me its 10 mins walk from the Uni or whatever. Naturally it always takes just slightly longer to find the picture or detail while I'm sitting there grinding my teeth in frustration.

Lookslikerainted · 01/01/2021 13:40

Start doing it back to hun. My husband does this abs it’s so rude especially as he doesn’t do it to others in our life, or his boss ect

wherewildthingsare · 01/01/2021 13:41

Honestly you both come across as a bit immature.

Plonque · 01/01/2021 13:43

@wherewildthingsare

Honestly you both come across as a bit immature.

And that's my bingo card filled in for today.

Barmyfarmy · 01/01/2021 14:12

OP that's vile of him. He's blatantly ignoring you and choosing to look at his phone instead of speaking to you.

Have a serious chat with him about it and say it's been bothering you how he isn't interested, ask him why he does it and if he's useless and doesn't give an answer then if I were you I'd be seriously reconsidering your relationship.

You do both sound like you're immaturely avoiding the issue though- either be grown ups and talk about it properly or stop complaining because he's not going to change if you act how you do.

MyOwnSummer · 01/01/2021 14:22

The only possible way this kind of behaviour is not the height of disrespectful rudeness is if the person doing it has adhd/add or some other medical issue which makes concentration difficult. In that case, they'd need to be receptive to being called out for it, made their best effort to concentrate etc. It still wouldn't be a free pass to be rude.

He's a rude, disrespectful twat.

Gizlotsmum · 01/01/2021 14:26

He was rude, but no matter how you said it you carried it on. Once he had asked you to carry on I would. I would also stop talking every time he picked up his phone and only continue once the phone was put down.

Royalbloo · 01/01/2021 15:00

I once worked with someone who, whenever interrupted, would just stop speaking. It made it really obvious so I'd do that.

Meepmeeep · 01/01/2021 15:04

You are being unreasonable for thinking the press would want to pick this up as a ‘story.’

emilyfrost · 01/01/2021 15:54

First off: Daily Mail journalists are all wankers!

This wouldn’t stop them taking the thread if they wanted to, OP.

Theunamedcat · 01/01/2021 15:57

@YesThatsATurdOnTheRug

Fascinated to hear the opinion of someone who voted YABU?!
That would be her husband
Brefugee · 01/01/2021 16:01

if anyone does that to me i stop talking and do something else.

At work i had people scrolling through their phones in meetings. So i just took them off them and put them to the side. It was always younger men doing it who hadn't been working long so I'm guessing they hadn't yet learned the etiquette of working.

Cheeseandwin5 · 01/01/2021 16:14

To be honest just interupting every time you speak was enough for me.
That is so rude and belittiling.
Honestly I stop listening to a word he said if my DH did that to me, after I used a few choice words to tell him why.

Craftycorvid · 01/01/2021 16:21

He’d never be worried about losing his phone with me if he did that, OP, because it would be wedged firmly up his backside.

Of course it’s rude. Of course it’s avoidant. Is it around all conversation topics or just some? If the latter, what is this telling you? It’s not just his phone use, it’s his general checking out behaviour as well, and it sounds like this must be addressed - with phones put away.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 01/01/2021 16:24

Ok, what is it about your thread that makes you think the Daily Mail would be interested in lifting it?

I’m just curious. And telling them to fuck off at the top doesn’t actually prevent anything, you know.

TonkinLenkicks · 01/01/2021 16:27

DH does this. I just keep talking. It's then glaringly obvious how rude it is.

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 01/01/2021 16:35

@TonkinLenkicks

DH does this. I just keep talking. It's then glaringly obvious how rude it is.
Does it stop him doing it?

I'd be tempted to get my phone out and start scrolling Facebook during sex, assuming I could bring myself to go to bed with someone who is so rude and dismissive of me.

Eckhart · 01/01/2021 16:36

I dated somebody who did this, not by looking at their phone, but by starting to talk about something completely different, when I was, sometimes, mid-sentence. One notable exchange:

Me: Hey, guess what happened at work today!
Ex: D'you think I should get some fish out of the freezer for later?
Me: Did you not hear me?
Ex: Yes, darling, but I thought you'd finished.

It was laughable really. Ex also had a habit of not responding at all when I spoke. A highly affectionate type, when I said, 'Did you not hear what I just said, or are you just ignoring me?', ex said 'I heard you, sweetheart. Sometimes it's nice just to listen to you.'

I didn't say 'PUT THE FUCKING RADIO ON IF YOU WANT A ONE WAY EXCHANGE', but probably I wouldn't have been heard anyway.

Trust your feelings, OP. If you feel unheard or ignored, that's a valid feeling and you need to take steps to address it, because it can drive you mad. Feeling heard and listened to is massively important in a relationship.