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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*TW* Would this be considered a form of rape?

40 replies

FTM91 · 31/12/2020 17:12

This happened to me in early 2015. Since the #metoo movement and generally more public attention towards the treatment of women, as well as me growing up, I'm left wondering.

Long story short I had broken up with my partner of 2.5 years. We had to continue living together for a few weeks while I found somewhere else to go (he owned the flat and I was a recent graduate so couldn't afford to up and leave straight away)

In that time he forced me to give him oral sex 'one last time'. I remember clearly having tears in my eyes while it happened and to this day can't understand now he could stand and enjoy that while I was so clearly distressed.

So my question is, would that fall under the technical definition of rape? Or would it not because it was me performing the act on him?

I'm sure there will be people commenting that I didn't have to do it all but really you don't know until you're in that situation, I could see no way out and he was manipulative to the extreme.

Clearly there's nothing I can do about it now, but he's such a model person in every other aspect of life. Highly intelligent, well achieving junior doctor, looks after his mum in hard times, generous, funny etc. I'd love to just take him down a few pegs and tell him he's no better than any other piece of shit manipulative exploitative man out there.

Finally, technicalities aside, how do I get over this? I have a great job, recently engaged and have a baby on the way with an absolutely wonderful man. I couldn't be happier yet this stupid thing that happened 6 years ago still crops up every now and then and keeps me up at night.

OP posts:
princessjasmineofagrabah · 31/12/2020 17:15

Yes it is sexual assault. There are specific therapies that could benefit you op. Sending lots of love xx

Godimabitch · 31/12/2020 17:21

Definitely. You didn't want to do it. I'm sorry that happened to you, I'm not sure where yoy can go from here but I'm sure someone will have some good advice.

Northernmummy80 · 31/12/2020 17:27

100% sexual abuse, you didn’t want to and he pretty much forced you. It’s almost like he made you otherwise he might throw you out on the street.

Do you have local charities you can ask for counselling?

A friend had something similar with an ex who would never take no for an answer and they have ptsd from the experience. I think cbt has helped loads.

Sending virtual hugs, it wasn’t your fault x

Sn0tnose · 31/12/2020 17:34

Speak to Rape Crisis Flowers

yorkshirepuddddiiing · 31/12/2020 17:38

If he knew you didn't want to and forced you, or threatened you with something if you didn't do it, that is most definitely sexual assault.

So sorry this happened to you, it would definitely help to talk it over with somebody whether it's people on this thread, a counsellor, friend/family. Let it out 💐

CountryLady1 · 31/12/2020 17:41

Gosh I am so sorry this happened to you what an absolutely abhorrent man

Op please contact rape crisis Flowers sending lots of love

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 17:42

It's rape. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

clarepetal · 31/12/2020 17:44

What an arsehole. He is not a model person. X

Original poster
FTM91 · 31/12/2020 17:47

Thank you everyone for your kind words. I think it helps just to have strangers on the internet confirm it was a bad thing that happened. I've never spoken about it to anyone, probably as it's taken so long to realise the reality of what had actually happened.
I might feel a bit silly going for counselling or contacting rape crisis, my body wasn't violated in any way (which is probably how he rationalised it himself...hmm) but I will look at the website. Thank you

OP posts:
Thedarknightsaredrawingin · 31/12/2020 17:56

You were violated. You were sexually assaulted. You performed the act, you DID NOT consent!
He did this to you and I am so sorry he made you feel this way.

orangejuicer · 31/12/2020 17:57

Please don't feel silly OP. You are perfectly entitled to feel upset about this. I hope you get the support you need. Flowers

CourtAndSpark2 · 31/12/2020 18:00

You say ... "he forced me" ... there you have your answer. I'd strongly recommend speaking to rape crisis centre.

Paul72 · 31/12/2020 18:00

To give one male point of view. He was wrong.
You were a victim.

Craftycorvid · 31/12/2020 18:01

You said it yourself: he forced you; he must have been able to see your distress and yet his response was to carry on rather than stop and apologise. And it still troubles you 6 years on: yes, it matters.

SnooperTrooper12345 · 31/12/2020 18:10

It isn't rape but it is Sexual abuse/sexual assault.
Sorry it happened to you OP.

Rape Crisis is a great place to contact however, be prepared they have a very long waiting list

Parkermumma07 · 31/12/2020 18:27

I hope your ok, yes this is rape, the definition of rape is when someone puts their penis in another persons mouth, vagina or anus and there is no consent so what your describing does fall within the definition of rape.
I say this as a police officer who works in a safeguarding unit

Summerhillsquare · 31/12/2020 18:32

Yes, oral rape is rape. It's natural for these things to resurface on the cusp of big personal change too. Rape crisis will simply listen, you don't HAVE to do anything.

Immrswhistledown · 31/12/2020 18:48

Yes it’s rape (uk law). Did you tell him you didn’t want to and in what way did he force you. You can actually report him to the Police and make an official complaint, even though it’s historical. Did you tell anyone afterwards or have you ever confided in anyone. Is there anything to corroborate what you’re saying. Without good corroborative evidence it would be your word against his so he would be unlikely to be charged.

That said you would probably benefit from some counselling. Please don’t think you weren’t violated, you were and he knew what he doing was wrong. Model people, as you describe him now, don’t have skeletons like this in their closets. Decent men don’t behave in this way.

What you have described is more common than you would ring. Unfortunately the conviction rate for rapes is poor and the judicial process is a distressing and lengthy process to put yourself through.

Hope you can find some peace and start to look forward 💐

Clackyheels · 31/12/2020 18:56

Yes you were assaulted.

Since the #metoo movement I've realised I've been raped twice in my 20s. And I know my friends have also been assaulted. Its astonishing how frequently is happens and woman just accept it and try to move on.

I'm really sorry this happened.

mrlevelheaded · 31/12/2020 18:57

Speak to the police. You will find them sympathetic and supportive and can offer a first line in getting help to recover from the experience. Good luck

HollowTalk · 31/12/2020 18:58

@SnooperTrooper12345

It isn't rape but it is Sexual abuse/sexual assault. Sorry it happened to you OP.

Rape Crisis is a great place to contact however, be prepared they have a very long waiting list

It really is rape.

The Met Police state it quite clearly.

Immrswhistledown · 31/12/2020 19:03

@SnooperTrooper12345

It isn't rape but it is Sexual abuse/sexual assault. Sorry it happened to you OP.

Rape Crisis is a great place to contact however, be prepared they have a very long waiting list

If she’s in the uk it is rape.
BubblyBarbara · 31/12/2020 19:04

“Forced” “oral sex” is all we need to see. Absolutely rape.

Emeraldshamrock · 31/12/2020 19:21

Yes. He is a disgusting weak scumbag.
I'm not sure how to get over it or stop thinking about it. Flowers

Wigglegiggle0520 · 31/12/2020 19:25

Yes it’s rape. You need some support. Nobody would think it silly for you to contact rape crisis or counselling. They would wonder how you’ve coped for so long without it. Don’t minimise what you went through Flowers