Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that I should have believed them

49 replies

custardlemontree · 31/12/2020 04:25

When they said that I would never amount to anything in life because 40 years on it's obvious that they were right.

I'm single, obese, stupid and have nothing to offer.

OP posts:
FestiveStuffing · 31/12/2020 04:29

As the song goes: Hate something? Change something. Make something better!

New year, new you. No need to wallow- life is yours for the taking!

You've got this. Flowers

Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2020 04:30

Why do you care what "they" think? You have the power to do anything you want with your life.

Original poster
custardlemontree · 31/12/2020 04:36

Because they were right. I have failed at every single thing I have tried and succeeded at nothing. I failed my exams, failed my degree when I tried as an adult, failed a course to retrain, failed to lose weight, failed at marriage.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 31/12/2020 04:41

Having failed is not a life sentence. We've all failed at one thing or another.

readingismycardio · 31/12/2020 04:42

See, OP, I can already tell you're not stupid by the way you write.

Remember the power is yours. All of those can be changed. Losing weight isn't easy, but is definitely attainable.

The terrible thing about it all is your opinion that you have about yourself. To begin with, never call yourself stupid and don't say you don't have anything to offer. That's not true. Each and every one of us has something to offer.

If I were you, I'd make a goal out of 'kindness to myself'

Thanks
jessstan1 · 31/12/2020 04:49

Find something you like doing, which really interests you, and go for it. You may find you are successful at it and will be happy. Losing weight often goes hand in hand with doing well.

People are awful telling anyone they will never amount to anything. They don't know! It destroys confidence.

It takes some longer than other to find their niche. You can be fulfilled you know, don't stop pushing doors.

Every good wish to you for the future.

Spittingchestnuts · 31/12/2020 04:57

Op , sorry you are feeling so down in yourself, every single individual person has something unique to offer Flowers

Loads of people aren't successful academically and loads of people are overweight and loads of people have failed marriages. Do you condemn them as much as you condemn yourself?

Also, many of these people go on to have successful jobs and second marriages or relationships and , when they are in a better place mentally, go on to lose weight.

Imho none of the above matters though in comparison with what your character is like. Are you kind? Do you have a good sense of humour? Do you help others when you can? Are you a good friend? Are you truthful, do you have integrity etc etc?

Hang in there op. Don't stop trying. The thing about life is that things always move forward, and change in unexpected ways. Flowers

TenShortStories · 31/12/2020 05:12

What kind of person says that to someone young? Someone who can see the future and is just letting you know what it's going to be like? No.They weren't right. They were just spewing vileness and it has sadly got into your head. Wherever your head is right now is making it seem as if they must have been right, but they had no idea who you were or what you're capable of.

It's awful the way the worst people can have the biggest impacts on how we view ourselves, when really they should be the last people anyone listens to.

RickOShay · 31/12/2020 05:24

A lot of wisdom on this thread.

I think the only secret in life is to accept who you are and what has happened to you. Nobody, but nobody ever, is perfect. We have all failed. That’s how we learn, pain is the greatest teacher.
Try and start valuing yourself. Little steps. Don’t feel sorry for yourself, but respect yourself. It’s ok to be you and it’s ok to feel the way you do. Look after yourself, listen to yourself, and that way will lead you through.Flowers
We are never who other people say we are. How can they know? All their own issues. Nothing to do with you.

Porridgeoat · 31/12/2020 06:04

What would your friends say your good points are? Loyalty? Kindness? Sensitive to others?

Maybe you’re measuring yourself against the wrong goals.

LurkingLeaver · 31/12/2020 06:21

Failing at stuff means you tried. I never even attempted uni!

Anyway, life is for living, not a stream of 'successes' and accolades.
Spend today choosing a new hobby, something creative and easy, give yourself a few easy 'wins' and be kind to yourself.

whatever1980 · 31/12/2020 06:24

What have you succeeded at? There will be lots of things - it may sound cheesy but make a list of those things?

Success can be anything not necessarily material things

Someone years ago told me to write a gratitude list ago every morning. I was at rock bottom at the time. Felt I'd failed at everything. I thought it was a rubbish thing to do but it put things into perspective for me.

MrsOmelette · 31/12/2020 06:33

My husband was berated when young, told he would never amount to anything, was too ugly to get a wife or kids, was useless. He believed it all bless him and it knocked his confidence so much he didn’t see how lovely and decent he was. He failed his exams and downplayed his intelligence. It took him until he was 40 to find me and I knew immediately what a catch he was - a truly decent gentle man. He got his wife, kids, a very important job in terms of caring for society even if not in terms of money. Maybe to others he still doesn’t look like much of a success but he feels blessed and so do I, to have him.
Life is too short for you to be so unkind to yourself. You are NOT a failure. You are a trier. And that takes guts.
I never took to heart the unkind things said to me, I was disowned by my family when only 16 and I know I was the talk of my small, parochial town. I held my head up high and did my life - I’m considered eccentric but generous, posh but kind, awkward, weird, decent, loyal, strict, gentle...I can be seen as all these things as nobody knows the me inside. “Their” opinions do not matter. Seriously, life is too short, be nice to yourself.

Mousehole10 · 31/12/2020 06:42

As pp said, you have the power to change things. What are you good at? Also did you actually fail those things or did you set your expectations too high? It takes quite a lot to actually fail a degree.

longtimemarried · 31/12/2020 06:49

Custard - if I told you everything I had failed at it would fill this page. You are a very special person, you have the gift of life, be kind to yourself, small steps.

RichPetunia · 31/12/2020 06:50

Mrs Omelette, your reply to the OP is beautiful and touching and made a wonderful start to my day, thank you x

RettyPriddle · 31/12/2020 06:51

@MrsOmelette

My husband was berated when young, told he would never amount to anything, was too ugly to get a wife or kids, was useless. He believed it all bless him and it knocked his confidence so much he didn’t see how lovely and decent he was. He failed his exams and downplayed his intelligence. It took him until he was 40 to find me and I knew immediately what a catch he was - a truly decent gentle man. He got his wife, kids, a very important job in terms of caring for society even if not in terms of money. Maybe to others he still doesn’t look like much of a success but he feels blessed and so do I, to have him. Life is too short for you to be so unkind to yourself. You are NOT a failure. You are a trier. And that takes guts. I never took to heart the unkind things said to me, I was disowned by my family when only 16 and I know I was the talk of my small, parochial town. I held my head up high and did my life - I’m considered eccentric but generous, posh but kind, awkward, weird, decent, loyal, strict, gentle...I can be seen as all these things as nobody knows the me inside. “Their” opinions do not matter. Seriously, life is too short, be nice to yourself.
Such a lovely post 😊
TanglinOrchards · 31/12/2020 06:52

The famour Thomas Edison quote just screams out here;

I have not failed. I have just found 10,000 ways that do not work.

OP. You are intelligent, lucid, literate. You have so so so much to offer, I can tell just from reading your post. The issue is your self talk and self belief. Change that, for your own sake.

Pick one thing you want to change and work toeards that. As you build up confidence pick something else. It will snowball.

TanglinOrchards · 31/12/2020 06:56

Incidentally, my DH was also told he was a bit of a failure by his parents who measured him against the golden brother who got degrees at Cambridge etc.

DH is kind, loyal, smart. He is unbelievably good looking but thankfully does not realise it (although i am sick of the women propositioning him when i am standing right there).

he has no idea how great he is. Sounds to me like you are the same.

Eckhart · 31/12/2020 07:22

If you've been told that when you were young, you were raised poorly. People who are raised poorly end up with low self esteem. So, here you are, feeling like you do. It's not your fault. Let yourself off the hook. That's step 1.

Step 2 is to recognise that amazing people fail at stuff all the time. Many amazing people are single. Many amazing people are overweight. Nobody has nothing to offer. Just looking at the grammar in your OP is enough to indicate that a stupid person didn't write it.

Step 3 is to get to the bottom of why you feel like this. I've not been where you are but I've been somewhere similar. I had counselling for a year. Once a week. I cried in every single session because all my unfortunate childhood spilled out. It was hard, but it re-parented me. I've ended up like a person who wasn't preconditioned to feel like every word I said was irrelevant. It can be done.

There's a difference between responsibility and fault. I can't imagine it's your fault that you feel this way. But it is your responsibility to find a way to make yourself feel better. You need to seize the challenge. You can't feel like this for ever. It sounds unbearable. Flowers

TanglinOrchards · 31/12/2020 07:32

@TanglinOrchards

Incidentally, my DH was also told he was a bit of a failure by his parents who measured him against the golden brother who got degrees at Cambridge etc.

DH is kind, loyal, smart. He is unbelievably good looking but thankfully does not realise it (although i am sick of the women propositioning him when i am standing right there).

he has no idea how great he is. Sounds to me like you are the same.

when I say 'thankfully' i am laughing at myself I should clarify. Because i am worried if he ever realised he would be off!

I tell him every day how gorgeous he is, and point out the women who fawn all over him. He is like a grey haired Matthew Goode. [swoon]

ILoveMyMonkey · 31/12/2020 08:26

FAIL = First Attempt In Learning
If the first time didn’t work out change what you did and try again but don’t give up. 40 is no age at all in the grand scheme of life and you have plenty of time to do things differently and be happy. Small steps lead the way to big changes so don’t run before you can walk. Not happy with your job what small change can you make to be happy with your day to day working life, not happy with your weight, what small change can you make to start you on your weight loss journey?
You only fail if you give up completely so don’t let those thoughts become a self fulfilling prophecy. You can do it, just have faith in your own abilities, don’t worry about others and concentrate on what makes you, and you alone, happy.

GuiEtVin · 31/12/2020 08:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the request of the OP.

jumperweather · 31/12/2020 08:59

I sympathise OP. I'm 33 with 2 young kids, I did terribly in my GCSE's and feel as though all doors were closed to me after that. Although I did qualify as a Veterinary Nurse, that hasn't actually opened up many doors for me. I'm a SAHM for the time being.

I just feel useless and stupid, also as though I have nothing to offer. Nothing interesting to add to conversations with friends. I think it will only get worse as I age! I don't try because I'm a perfectionist, but I am not perfect at anything.

No advice, but the comments here are lovely.

Original poster
custardlemontree · 31/12/2020 09:06

@Porridgeoat

What would your friends say your good points are? Loyalty? Kindness? Sensitive to others?

Maybe you’re measuring yourself against the wrong goals.

I don't know 🤷‍♀️ I don't have any friends
OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread