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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner lies A LOT

27 replies

justherefortheadvice · 30/12/2020 21:39

Well, I'm not really one for talking about my feelings to anyone, let alone the internet. But I guess this is my final straw.
I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now (we are in a same sex loving relationship so please be nice) and I guess you could say lesbian relationships can be slightly toxic at the best of times.
She lies, a lot. She lies about her past, and makes me paranoid about her exes. In the beginning she told me multiple stories, then I catch her out on them. She tells me things about her past that aren't even true? Because she feels "embarrassed" she hasn't done as much stuff as me, yet was engaged before me? I've found a lot of these make believe stories are sexual.
She has recently also been lying about other things too. I have trust in her as much to say I don't think she could cheat on me, but the trust in definitely in the bin.
I am getting more and more frustrated with the relationship and getting more anxious to leave it. I keep threatening to walk out as I really have had enough of the lies, but can never go through with it as I am so deeply in love with her.
I suppose I'm asking for advice on whether to stay in a relationship where I get, for the most part, lies? Or whether or not I should leave? Am I being unreasonable if it's things about the past? Or do I have a leg to stand on?
Any advice would be super welcomed and I would be grateful!
Thanks.

OP posts:

TeeBee · 30/12/2020 21:49

It depends whether you're happy to live constantly having to look over your shoulder and second guess everything she says. I wouldn't. However much I love someone, I consider my life too special to live like that.

GoodnightKevin · 30/12/2020 21:50

A solid relationship is built on trust. If she lies about everything, whether it was something that happened in the past or not, can you confidently say you could trust her without question moving forward?

Aside from that the relationship just sounds exhausting. Love shouldn't be that difficult.

breakingthebank · 30/12/2020 21:52

Does she just come out with these lies or are you questioning her about her past? Why do you want to talk about her ex partners? If you don't trust your dp then there's no point staying in the relationship imo, it doesn't sound like it is making you happy.

Doyoumind · 30/12/2020 21:57

People who lie like this usually have a lot of issues and the extent of them may only become apparent later. She will not change. Nothing you say or do will change here if she has underlying issues. She's being disrespectful and that should be enough to show you it's not going to work.

timeisnotaline · 30/12/2020 21:59

and I guess you could say lesbian relationships can be slightly toxic at the best of times.
Huh??
Yours certainly is but what a ridiculous thing to say. Don’t stay with someone who lies all the time.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/12/2020 22:00

we are in a same sex loving relationship so please be nice) and I guess you could say lesbian relationships can be slightly toxic at the best of times. Seems a little off to ask posters to be nice about you being on a lesbian relationship and then you declare that lesbian relationships are toxic.

Anyway, if there's no real trust, there's no relationship. You're in love with who you think she is, but you don't really know what that is because she lies so much. And constantly threatening to leave her then not then threatening to leave then not is just cruel.

Break it off, find someone who doesn't make you think the relationship is destined to be toxic

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2020 22:05

I have been with my girlfriend for a little over a year now (we are in a same sex loving relationship so please be nice) and I guess you could say lesbian relationships can be slightly toxic at the best of times.

Eh? Your relationship is toxic because your girlfriend is a liar so there's a lack of trust, not because there's a lack of penis...

She lies loads. You understandably now can't trust her. You're only a year in.

Sorry but only a year in, with what you now know about how frequently and easily she lies you would be foolish to continue being with her.

I know you say you love her but love isn't enough. Not in real life.

Time to end it and move on with your life.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2020 22:06

You can't trust her. This relationship is doomed. Every minute you stay is another minute wasted.

MattBerrysHair · 30/12/2020 22:06

I ended a 5 year relationship with a liar a couple of months ago. I loved him deeply too, but I couldn't trust or respect him anymore. People who are fantasists like that will never be at peace with themselves enough to have a healthy relationship. It was exasperating and exhausting because I only ever got a highly edited version of Exp. I'd much rather have had the unremarkable yet authentic 'warts and all' version of him.

Yawnyprawn · 30/12/2020 22:06

This relationship rings alarm bells OP. I had an ex who did this (and I don’t miss him in the slightest). Constant lies, big and small. Often they were aimed at knocking my confidence and keeping my attention.

It sounds very much like this is what your partner is doing here, and it’s not on. I think you know that you deserve more.

Pancakeorcrepe · 30/12/2020 22:07

This is no way to live. This relationship has no future.

lioncitygirl · 30/12/2020 22:08

You don’t trust her. Leave.

Mustbethewine · 30/12/2020 22:20

You clearly don't trust her at all and I doubt she'll change. She's a compulsive liar. End the relationship.

Holyjinglebells · 30/12/2020 22:25

You need to go.... She sounds like a controlling narcissist... These people don't change and have a way of twisting things to make you feel like you're the one in the wrong.... Start the new year the way you want it to continue, good luck x

Stellaroses · 30/12/2020 22:34

Lesbian relationships don’t have to be toxic
You don’t have to ask anyone to be nice about your relationship.
Have an actual open and honest conversation with her about why she is lying and lay it on the line - no more lies.
Why is she talking about her exes and sexual past? If to make you jealous that’s not healthy. If you’re asking and pushing for answers, perhaps you’re not respecting her privacy and she doesn’t feel comfortable talking about it, and lies. You don’t have a right to question her past.

Dowser · 30/12/2020 22:43

I caught my exh lying one time.
I wish I dumped him there and then as he did it loads.
Once the trust is gone, it’s gone
I don’t believe a leopard can change its spots.
Better to make a clean break and dump now
She has no respect for you, and is shallow
Stay with her and you’ll have nothing but heartache

The more they lie and get away with it, the bolder they get

Shamoo · 30/12/2020 22:46

OP, please be assured that lesbian relationships do not have to be toxic. I (and many of my friends) are in healthy and loving same sex relationships. Please don't let the fact you are gay mean you think you should have a lower standard or expectation of what a relationship can and should be.

Original poster

justherefortheadvice · 30/12/2020 23:57

Thank you for all the comments. The comment of lesbian relationships being toxic was meant as a light hearted joke. Sorry if I offended people

OP posts:

Notcontent · 31/12/2020 00:04

Being with someone who lies can be very stressful and exhausting. For people who lie it can become a habit, so then you can never really trust them and be sure about what is true and what is not.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2020 00:09

Presumably you’ve told her you know it’s lies and she doesn’t need to be insecure and spout such nonsense the whole time? This would drive me nuts, there can surely be no trust? And therefore no respect?

SatsumasOrClementines · 31/12/2020 00:11

I guess you could say lesbian relationships can be slightly toxic at the best of times.

As a lesbian I don’t think that at all.

caringcarer · 31/12/2020 00:13

What is a relationship without trust? I would give her one final warning. Cut the crap and lies or we are through. I love you but I can't live with the lies. Your choice.

Monty27 · 31/12/2020 00:35

OP just why do you think you should stay again? Oh yes it's a same sex relationship so of course it's going to be toxic 😏

billy1966 · 31/12/2020 00:36

@Aquamarine1029

You can't trust her. This relationship is doomed. Every minute you stay is another minute wasted.

This.

LoveMyKidsAndCats · 31/12/2020 00:40

Definitely leave OP

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