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AIBU?

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Original poster

Reducing kids contact with ex...

33 replies

fullofquestion · 30/12/2020 21:26

Been separated 3 years now, 3 kids, their dad has them one day every weekend alternating sat/sun. Eldest son has autism and is struggling in lockdown with all the changes in routine, he comes back from his dads really unsettled and it makes it very difficult for me getting him into school the next day when it's on a Sunday. The kids also get bored round there atm as with lockdown they can only go on devices, dad does crafts with them and they have toys there but not the same as before lockdown when he would take them out etc. I am going to suggest dropping contact to every other weekend. Aibu? He has asked to increase contact previously however with sons condition I put this off as he wanted them overnight and I felt this was too disruptive, he has also asked to have them during the week at times - school pick up and dinner but again it's difficult as disrupts son. I am not really sure what would be for the best.

OP posts:
Trumplosttheelection · 30/12/2020 21:32

Ummm so their father is engaged with them and keen to increase the time he spends with them - which would surely help them to settle - and you want to reduce it? I cannot see how you can justify that.

SD1978 · 30/12/2020 21:35

Are you attempting a reverse? Dad does everything he can with kids, mum wants to stop regular contact............. either way. No. Have the contact day set every Saturday if you need a day to reorientate the child.

RolandSchitt · 30/12/2020 21:37

What age are your kids? It seems unfair on two of them to reduce contact because it unsettles one of their routines.

I have sympathy, I also have an autistic child, but I don't think if want to reduce contact with a parent without string reasons. Which I cant see here from your post.

SpudsandGravy · 30/12/2020 21:38

Your son's autism makes things complicated. Still, I don't think you should reduce contact without first taking legal advice, as normally it would be very inappropriate.

Candyfloss99 · 30/12/2020 21:39

You are being very unreasonable. He should have them more so they feel more comfortable there and in more of a routine.

x2boys · 30/12/2020 21:48

Why do you get to decide he can't have them over night ,I have a child with autism and severe learning disabilities so I understand that routine is important ,but surely more time would help your son feel more settled .

Godimabitch · 30/12/2020 21:49

He should have them more so its more part of their routine. If you reduce it you'll find it too hard to increase it again and its not fair on any of them. If he really idms doing all that and wanted to increase contact then it sounds like he's trying to be a good dad

Original poster
fullofquestion · 30/12/2020 21:50

11, 6 and 4 - 11 year old already is only going every other weekend at most as he gets bored and would rather be at home/ seeing friends when he can. It would feel a bit mean letting two go more and not my other son as he would wonder why he couldn't go? He wants to go but as I said it's causes a massive effect on his behaviour afterwards, I struggle to get him into school the next day as bedtime on the Sunday is hard work and it sets him off. It's hard to have a proper routine with ex apart from the weekends as he works shifts which is why I've not been keen to do weekdays etc as he may be able to do it for a month then he might swap shifts to days again, the same as him wanting to have them more before as he was furloughed however I don't want the children to get used to it then he is back at work and there's a huge shift in routine and upset caused. There's no concerns over his parenting he is a good dad, helps a lot financially, kids are happy it's just managing sons behaviour and how to work contact best so he has the least disruption.

OP posts:
lioncitygirl · 30/12/2020 21:52

Wait - he seems a decent father but you want to reduce contact? Based on? The fact that there is nothing to do is not his fault? Is there a back story Op?

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2020 21:57

It's a difficult one. I have sen kids so do understand. I think its important they see their dad as much as possible.

Perhaps a visual time table for the month, with a counter to show the day they are on.

Have a set routine as a visual for the days they go to their dads (obviously cant be set days due to shifts) and have the same copy at dads.

Would be possible for ex to help put dc to bed? Could you have a special routine for nights when he comes home from his dads. Perhaps something he really enjoys for 30mins, then his bedtime routine - mine has discovered he loves audio books so that's good way to get him to unwind.

AndcalloffChristmas · 30/12/2020 21:58

Seems odd to me. One day a week is already not very much. If Sundays are a problem, why not keep to Saturdays? Or do the whole of EO weekend but kids go to school straight from Dad’s on Monday.

Luckyonetwo · 30/12/2020 21:59

Yabu

x2boys · 30/12/2020 21:59

But if he was involved more and had them more his shift pattern would become a way of life for them it would be the norm.

Hankunamatata · 30/12/2020 22:01

I mean visual timetable like a calendar so DC can see the days they are going to dads and then sleep and the days they are sleeping at home. With icons for each type of day.

If dc is able get them involved in creating a visusl routine for at home and at dads. Iv found scheduling even if its roughly a,b,c in morning and d,e,f in afternoon.

Stantons · 30/12/2020 22:02

Would son settle more if he was there for 2or 3 nights in a row rather than just one?

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 30/12/2020 22:05

Both mine have SEN. I understand how it disrupts but I don’t think reducing contact is fair, you need to standardise it, maybe very Saturday?

vanillandhoney · 30/12/2020 22:06

It sounds like he should be having them more often, not less, so that they get used to being there and to the routine of it all.

If getting your son organised for school is an issue, he can have them Friday night until Sunday morning perhaps, to give you a day to get sorted.

I don't think reducing contact with a good and engaging parent is ever the answer tbh.

Thenose · 30/12/2020 22:08

Why on earth are they only seeing their dad one day a week?!

Original poster
fullofquestion · 30/12/2020 22:11

He also doesn't have a bedroom for them at his, they would be staying on blow up beds, another reason I am worried about overnights. I am not sure if he would be keen to stay and put him to bed, first lockdown he did come here and watch the kids while I went out however he has since got a girlfriend. He has also moved 30 mins away so not so practical for school runs.

OP posts:
Milkshake7489 · 30/12/2020 22:11

I may be missing something but why do you alternate days? Surely it would be better to do the same each week rather than swapping around?

One day a week is already a short amount of time, I would look to increase rather than decrease this.

Grenlei · 30/12/2020 22:15

You're being rather selfish and short sighted. Do you have a new partner, is that why you're trying to phase their dad out?

You need to work out a way together he can see more of the children, not less. Then not having their own room, or not being able to go out are not acceptable reasons to reduce contact.

vanillandhoney · 30/12/2020 22:17

Sleeping on blow up beds shouldn't be a reason for them not to see their father.

Milkshake7489 · 30/12/2020 22:17

Sorry, crossed post. It's annoying that he moved 30 minutes away and doesn't have adequate space for them to stay over.

Could he arrange his shifts so that he can take them out one evening a week instead of taking them for longer at the weekend?

Chloemol · 30/12/2020 22:24

YABU. They have a father who wants to see them more, that should be facilitated. End of discussion

harriethoyle · 30/12/2020 22:36

YABVU

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