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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to feel like he ruined my future and possible relationships?

28 replies

Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 16:25

I was with my ex for 13yrs. Probably against my better judgement I did make the decision to stay by him after some cheating a few years ago. Things have changed and we're going great.

In July I was diagnosed with genital herpes type 1. I 100% got it from him as I remember him saying he was 'cut' after the time we had sex and then a few days later I had symptoms went to the docs who said it looked like herpes tested me and it came back positive. It was extremely awful and painful physically and mentally I didn't eat for almost a week lost a lot of weight etc etc.

I asked if he had been cheating when the doctor mentioned it looked like herpes and he ended it said he feels like regardless of how much he has changed I still view him the same and he feels like it will never be enough. I know it was my decision to stay after the cheating and even still now I don't know if I entirely believe that he hadn't done anything with anyone but neither here nor there.

I just truly feel like my future is ruined now I have this incurable disease. I understand it can be managed etc but I'm only 33 with 3 kids and feel like no one will want me again. I can never have unprotected sex again (obviously only with my partner not just random people) and the mood will always be ruined as it will constantly be in my head this worry of passing this thing on to someone else. I truthfully don't even want to be with anyone else again I just feel so ashamed of myself for letting this happen to me. He said that he had no idea he had it and has never had symptoms before etc and I don't think he knowingly gave it to me but I'm so angry he got it and angry with myself for taking him back. I just still feel so hurt and mentally affected by this. Aibu?

OP posts:
Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 16:54

Anyone?

OP posts:
warmandtoasty2day · 30/12/2020 16:57

you mustn't beat yourself up about this, you took him back because you felt it was the right thing to do at the time.it's not your fault he gave you this condition.
you will need to tell potential partners but if they really want to be with you they will understand that condoms are required regardless.
can you talk to someone irl how you feel and work some of this anger out ?

Pukkatea · 30/12/2020 16:58

You would be amazed how common it actually is - I would wager several people you know will also have it, many may not even know. You can go years without showing symptoms. Yes you have to be careful in the future but it isn't a dirty shameful secret.

Chickychoccyegg · 30/12/2020 17:00

What a shame op , that sounds so tough, I can imagine it will take quite some time to come to terms with this, get any support you can, but yes, your completely justified to feel angry with your ex.

CrazyToast · 30/12/2020 17:02

First of all, sorry this happened. Herpes is a bugger and sorry about your partner being a fool!

Second- when you get herpes it feels so so devastating, but it will not impact your life as much as you fear. The the first outbreak is the worst and it will decline over time, popping up less and less often. You'll come to spot quickly when you will have a break out, and then you just tolerate it for a few days then it is gone. You might not even have many breakouts-- some people do, some people have only 2 or three.

Third-- your partner could have been carrying it from when he cheated, silently, and may not have known. Not that this makes it better and his reaction was shocking, he should have been grovelling to you. Or he might have known all along and knowingly put you at risk. Neither option is acceptable really.

Fourth Listen to me. Your life is not ruined and your future will be FINE. This will be an intermittent convenience, that is all. You will avoid sex during flare ups and use protection otherwise. Simples. It is totally understandable to feel gutted but I am telling you that it will be ok. As for your relationship really, chase happiness. Don't live in misery and mistrust. It is not worth it.

I'm speaking from personal experience about all this.

Fourth--

Seafog · 30/12/2020 17:04

You have every right to be angry at your ex, an to be frustrated with yourself for taking him back when you did .
A hard, horrible life lesson for sureFlowers

TipsieM · 30/12/2020 17:10

I'm very sorry.

This is really shitty. Please don't let him have control over what you do know / the rest of your life. Your life is not ruined! And it really is more common than you think.

TipsieM · 30/12/2020 17:11

*do now.

But honestly, it's more common than you probably think....

Lasttraintolondon · 30/12/2020 17:13

You'll be fine. In the USA one in five are estimated to have the virus, it's exceptionally common. Just be careful with it during flare ups.

Lasttraintolondon · 30/12/2020 17:16

@seafrog - this is not a life lesson unless celebacy is - anyone could get this and its not the OPs fault for taking the partner back. You've got a very old fashioned attitude and where a virus is concerned blame and stigma are unhelpful, as we've seen with covid lately.

HangOnToYourself · 30/12/2020 17:22

So sorry op, my cheating ex gave me genital warts which I thought at first were herpes and i went through all the same thoughts as you so i know what you are feeling. When i researched it i found out its much more common than you realise.
With regards to your ex, its possible he caught it years ago and only just had a flare up now (seems unlikely though) but either way the trust is broken so you cant move forward with him.
Please try and be kind to yourself, you are not tainted or dirty and loads more people have it than you would think

Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 17:25

I just can't help but feel so ashamed of myself. I hate the thought of having to disclose this to a potential partner (of course if I ever do find someone I would but I doubt I will ever put myself in that position as I'm just so ashamed) but I just feel so stupid I'm more annoyed as the time we had sex was initiated by myself because it had been a while and it was almost like I was doing it more as a chore than anything else as I was having a rough few weeks and we hadn't been intimate but sex or lack of has caused issues in the past so I done it almost as a it's been a while just do it I'm so angry with myself I just truly don't see how anyone would want to be with me again. And I know it sounds silly probably but the idea of using a condom for the rest of my life is truly affecting me too the idea that sex has to be a 'are we clear to have sex' is such a horrible thing to even have to consider it can never just be spontaneous or really passionate. I have done some research and know its extremely common but it just really hurts. I do feel if it was oral herpes I wouldn't feel as ashamed which is horrible in itself to say as herpes is herpes right? I'm just so low and lost. I could never tell anyone irl that I have this (friends or family) I'm far too ashamed and the thought of being judged is just scary

OP posts:
WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 30/12/2020 17:27

Ok, he's a dick but seriously, herpes is part and parcel of being sexually active. It's actually normal. Not fun, not nice but normal. My first outbreak was terrible and painful. Another dose of it maybe 6months later, much milder. Now it's been 10 years with no outbreaks. But I'm a carrier. It's no big deal. You just need to be careful IF you have an a tube outbreak. But the get weaker and less often after the first few. I've a husband and 4 kids since. Have never given it another thought.

Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 17:27

I have no one I can speak to so I'm sorry if this post is so full of emotions and anger I just needed to get this off my chest as it's really weighing me down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 17:28

And also thank you all for your replies and reassurances ❤️

OP posts:
CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 17:29

LOADS of people have HSV1. It's really no big deal.

WishingHopingThinkingPraying · 30/12/2020 17:30

Sorry OP, but I think you are mistaking this with AIDS or something. You don't need to disclose it. You just need to be careful if you've an active outbreak which may well not happen again. It will be very clear when it does. You can tell partners why you can't have sex for that week or so, they probably already have it anyway! And if they are 'disgusted', they're idiots.

lifestooshort123 · 30/12/2020 17:38

When the shock wears off please read up about it as it's really not as bad as you think. Try to keep your immune system healthy as this helps with outbreaks and you only need to refrain from intimacy at this time. You will go months between outbreaks and a tickly itch heralds one's on it's way. Please don't feel dirty as it's quite common.

Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 17:40

I have definitely been doing more research I think I'm more upset as its just another issue I have to deal with I have eczema in my vaginal area so get thrush a lot and feel this will just be a never ending cycle of flare ups 😢

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 30/12/2020 17:42

Oh sweetie please don’t feel ashamed at all. I know it’s not the same but I felt similar when I got diagnosed with HPV as I had to tell any partner I slept with without protection.

I could be wrong but I think herpes can lay dormant for years before flaring so it is possible he caught it years ago and didn’t know. And to those that are saying don’t disclose it are you kidding?? Yes you need to disclose it to any person you sleep with. I would be absolutely furious if I slept with a person and then found out he had it.

I hope you get the right treatment and help for it.

Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 17:50

I will definitely disclose it if I ever got to that stage I'm hoping for a cure seems to be some progress but years off human trials. The thought of passing this on is almost as bad as having it myself. I know I shouldn't beat myself up over it but I just still can't process it

OP posts:
Ceejly · 30/12/2020 18:00

Hi OP, I just wanted to chime in and say this is much more common than you think. I developed warts while first dating my partner so we won't know who gave them to who. I was devastated but the first friend I told told me she also had them. This type of thing really is very common.

Piratesue · 30/12/2020 18:04

I caught it at 17 from my first love....the didnt have another outbreak for 20 years! I have just been honest with new partners, and the only time it has caused real issue is when I was pregnant and had an outbreak.
Please dont worry, it is more common now and honestly if someone is going to judge then they arent worth it.
I actually have more flare ups now, when I'm stressed or tired but a course of antibiotics clears it up quickly.

Original poster
Justneedadvice636465 · 30/12/2020 18:15

I have been given suppression therapy as I have had 4 outbreaks since my first one and I just feel like every time I take the tablet is a reminder I have it. I won't lie the reassurances from everyone here has definitely helped a little

OP posts:
CopperheadRoad · 30/12/2020 18:54

I’m so sorry this has happened to you but as others have said it definitely isn’t the catastrophe it probably feels like right now.

HSV1 usually infects the nerves of the neck and face causing cold sores. It can be transmitted during oral sex and infect the genital nerves, but as this area is not its “preferred” location, outbreaks will often be less severe and occur far less often than with HSV2 (usually causes genital herpes). Asymptomatic shedding of the virus may also be less than with HSV2, and outbreaks will also become less frequent with time.

Obviously you should disclose this to future partners, but the risk of passing it on should be very minimal. In a few year’s time hopefully you’ll barely think of it all - i wish I could fast forward you to that point as feeling this way is absolutely awful. I do understand. Xxx