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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Suicidal friend

28 replies

Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 15:49

I need help so bad. My friend’s deeply suicidal and is taking about his death, he’s in touch with mental health services but doesn’t want to live on anymore and nothing we are saying is getting through to his head. I’m having heart palpations. I’m just so scared of losing him forever, idk how to deal with my emotions. Everyone I get attached to ends up leaving 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 15:55

He’s going through hell right now and we are just gonna be there for him, I’m so proud of him opening up to us and being honest about his feelings, but I can’t bear the thought of losing him, I love him so much, he’s had my back through the worst times of my life, defended me when I was getting harassed, forgave me when I was an utter shit, looked past all the mistakes I made, we have so many good times even tho we squabble a lot. I don’t know what I’d do without him. This pain is unreal

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Someone1987 · 30/12/2020 15:59

What help is he receiving? Do his MH team know his current feelings?
I'm sorry you are in this situation OP.

Beetlebum1981 · 30/12/2020 16:00

DH had a friend who was suicidal a few years ago and phoned Samaritans for advice. They gave advice but also told him that they were there to support DH if he needed it.
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

WhatsTheTea · 30/12/2020 16:03

Gosh, this is very tough. Samaritans yes. Just keep listening to him - he also needs the crisis team, look the number up in your area. I'm so sorry for you both. Depression is hell and very complex. Make sure you get support too.

Keep posting on here

Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:03

They want to assess him and give him therapy, they also want him medicated but he doesn’t want that, I just hope his other friends can successfully get through to him but he doesn’t want to be saved. Idk what I could do to help other than persuading him to stay alive and talk through whatever is on his mind

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WhatsTheTea · 30/12/2020 16:06

It's hard to take meds, I get that. I know it's a cliche but how would he feel about taking meds for diabetes etc? He shouldn't be expected to help himself on his own, sometimes people needs mediation, there's no shame in it and if you could show him how much easier things could be with a bit of medication. He doesn't need to be on it for life, just a little while. This will pass, if he welcomes the help.

Sunshinedrops85 · 30/12/2020 16:13

The best thing my friend did for me when I was like this was not leaving me alone. Do they have a crisis team? A therapist?

Maytree are still offering support over phone and email.

www.maytree.org.uk/

Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:17

I told him it could help but he told me today that he doesn’t want to be on any medication because he’s afraid of certain side effects and he’s worried it’ll make him feel zombified. He just doesn’t want anything to do with them and I understand why he doesn’t, his friend told me that it isn’t exactly a magic pill and she suffered with some of them so she agrees with him. We want him alive, he means so much to us but he doesn’t see it. He said he’s tired of being in pain and we sympathise with him, If it weren’t for this virus we could go and see him and keep an eye on him. It really sucks. I worry that one day he’ll be gone

OP posts:
Someone1987 · 30/12/2020 16:18

If he isn't safe his MH team should assess him ideally in person.

Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:19

Yeah he’s with the crisis team as a patient. I know the best thing to do is to keep reaching out to him but I wonder what else I could do to help. I wish I could help change his thought pattern but sadly he’s too deep in his depression

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 30/12/2020 16:20

Can you go & be with him? I think this counts as an emergency/caregiving situation under the COVID rules.

Pikoty · 30/12/2020 16:20

Op, call samaritans yourself. You can't deal with this yourself and need support too.

Thelnebriati · 30/12/2020 16:23

You can't help him if he's that far down the rabbit hole, he needs to be watched round the clock and he needs to take his meds.

MumOfPsuedoAdult · 30/12/2020 16:24

@Hurting888

I told him it could help but he told me today that he doesn’t want to be on any medication because he’s afraid of certain side effects and he’s worried it’ll make him feel zombified. He just doesn’t want anything to do with them and I understand why he doesn’t, his friend told me that it isn’t exactly a magic pill and she suffered with some of them so she agrees with him. We want him alive, he means so much to us but he doesn’t see it. He said he’s tired of being in pain and we sympathise with him, If it weren’t for this virus we could go and see him and keep an eye on him. It really sucks. I worry that one day he’ll be gone
OP I wouldn't let the restrictions stop you being with him if you think it will save his life. Seriously.
Orf1abc · 30/12/2020 16:31

You can visit someone if they are at risk of harm, it doesn't matter what tier you are in.

When was he referred to the crisis team? Are they confident that he is not at immediate risk?

Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:54

He was referred yesterday and they’ve booked him in urgently as he has an over the phone appointment tomorrow. He’s a previous patient with them. He hasn’t told me what they think about his risk of harm but the fact that they’ve made an appointment to assess him quickly tells me they are concerned too. I’m really considering seeing him, the reason why I brought Covid restrictions up is because we can’t exactly book a hotel so I can keep an eye on him (he lives 2 hours away from me), he lives with his parents still, a family member of his would not be welcoming and my mum not liking me seeing male guys just complicates things as I had to lie to her to meet him in person in the first place. It’s why I just feel so helpless and stressed, I want to do more for my friend but there are barriers preventing me

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Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:55

*male friends not male guys 🤦🏽‍♀️

OP posts:
Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 16:59

I’ve had a chat with samaritans, I feel even worse 😭 He said to me some people can’t be saved and I really don’t want to accept that. I ended the call and spoke to a woman instead who was more understanding and told me that what I was doing was good enough and to keep supporting him, it was comforting but I felt the conversation was going nowhere, I know they’re not allowed to give advice but it didn’t help me. I want to save my friend. I’m just stressing out so badly

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Orf1abc · 30/12/2020 17:02

Do you have any support from the mental health team Hurting? It's important to look after yourself too.

Sheleg · 30/12/2020 17:03

It sounds like you're doing everything you can. In your position I would be pretty pissed off at his refusal to take meds. No side effect can be as bad as the very real possibility of him killing himself. Sorry if that sounds harsh.

katy1213 · 30/12/2020 17:07

IT is true what the Samaritan said, even if not what you want to hear. Whatever the outcome, you have done your best and it won't be your fault.

OTannenbaum · 30/12/2020 17:08

I think the best thing you can do is to try and distract your friend until he can get professional support. Absolutely reasonable to break COVID restrictions to physically be with him if you can to talk, walk, watch TV whatever, and I’m not sure I’d be listening to my mum not wanting me to meet male friends in this situation...

Your other friend sounds like they have unhelpfully confirmed for him that medication is not for him. Just because it didn’t work well for your friend or gave side effects doesn’t mean it won’t work for this person. For some people it does work like a magic pill. It’s not like that for everyone but it’s not unheard of. And if your friend is genuinely thinking of suicide surely some side effects short term are better than death? He may need reminded of this logical thinking... Please don’t let this other friend keep saying things against medication, it can be very effective.

Does he not want to take medication because he’s worried about side effects or because he’s worried it won’t help or because “he doesn’t want to be saved”. The final one is very hard to deal with and if this is where he is now he may need to be admitted for his own sake, so they can hopefully try to get him into a frame of mind where he realises that if he could feel less depressed, life would be worth living again, hopefully the crisis team will come to the same conclusion of things are at that stage. Are there particular life stresses that have caused this (other than the pandemic I mean?) Or has he just sunk into depression somehow? Is there any practical support you could give him?

MaelyssQ · 30/12/2020 17:17

Do his family realise he is actually contemplating taking his own life imminently? My friend was told that most of her son's friends were aware of how dark his thoughts were, but no-one told her. His suicide was absolutely shocking and heartbreaking, and for her, it came completely out of the blue.

Original poster
Hurting888 · 30/12/2020 17:48

Thank you, I’ll get him to re-consider the medication part of things, you’re right, he has nothing to lose by experiencing a few side effects as his death would be much worse than those. Yeah when I can get to him I’ll take him out for a walk and try and entertain him, he just doesn’t think it’ll work but it’s always worth a try, I’m sure it’s just his depression speaking

He’s worried about side effects from taking them and his parents don’t know because he doesn’t want to be saved. I explained to him that it’s best his parents know because at least they had a chance to save him.

I suppose he’s desperate for a distraction for his emotional pain and I’m not sure what could possibly help distract him properly while he’s alone. It could be something that releases endorphins. He did have a brief moment of happiness then his mood spiralled. I’m just hoping it could raise his mood, that’s all I want to see tbh. He’s just very down at the moment because of something that happened, his depression seems to come on situationally, so if there was a solution he’d be perfectly fine and wouldn't be so suicidal

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PeggyArmstrong · 30/12/2020 21:58

I really feel for you both OP, but this is a terrible burden for you to carry alone.

Tell his parents.

It might lose you a friend but it might also save his life and if God forbid the worst happens you won't be left thinking what if...

I know two couples that had a young adult male child commit suicide and it was a bolt from the blue for them, they had no idea that their child felt so terribly low and was in such utter despair and it has totally destroyed them.

If they had known that their child was struggling they at least could have tried to help and support them even if it still turned out so badly.

If they knew that their son's

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