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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you share medical information with Ex-PILs?

35 replies

TheBottleIsFullofHappiness · 30/12/2020 13:43

I posted this over on the corona topic but got no response so reposting here.

Background: Split with now ExH in 2017 due to his control and violence. He moved in with his parents, then moved out and moved 2 hours away. He has overnight contact with DD (aged 6) at his parents house EOW as DD can’t travel to him (medical reasons). She’s obviously only had daytime contact with him EO Saturday since the restrictions came in. Ex-FIL in immune-suppressed due to his own medical condition, therefore ECV.

The news of the vaccine this morning has prompted ExH to ask me to have the vaccine and to let him know when I have it.

He says this is the best way to protect Ex-FIL from Covid and he’d feel more comfortable having DD if he knew I had it. He also showed me texts from Ex-PILs asking him to ask me if I’ll have it and let them know when I have.

I’m in two minds. They obviously know that DD has had all her vaccines as I keep ExH up-to-date with her medical stuff, and clearly want to protect both DD and Ex-FIL.

But the other part of me thinks it’s none of their business, while going through court I was very clear with cafcass that they were to hide any of my medical information from ExH and his solicitor unless it directly affected my ability to look after DD (my medical issues don’t and never have). ExH initially wanted full residency so that’s why I did it. I’m worried he’ll use me getting/not getting the vaccine (I’m undecided whether I’ll have it yet and I won’t be top priority to get it so I’ve got time to think about it) against me.

So WWYD?

OP posts:
SecretIdentitee · 30/12/2020 13:49

I thought the vaccine didn't actually stop you getting covid, it just stopped symptoms/side effects etc.
Also if your ILs get the vaccine then why does it matter? The point of the vaccine is that they won't get ill if exposed.
Also with roll outs they are way more likely to get it first so it could be a while before you even become eligible (unless should have underlying issues that move you up the list).
Based on above I don't understand the logic in their request so would say no as your vaccination status should have no effect on them?

Twizbe · 30/12/2020 13:49

I can understand why you're hesitant to tell him this information, but I understand his reasons for wanting to know.

Personally my sleeve is already rolled out for this vaccine. In your shoes I'd have it abs just confirm to him that you've had your turn.

Fuckstickss · 30/12/2020 13:54

Will you even be offered it soon? I thought I'd take months just to get the over 70s/carers/NHS workers done, and younger people are way back in the queue.

CodenameVillanelle · 30/12/2020 13:55

Are you likely to get it in the next 9 months? Most of us are not

Original poster
TheBottleIsFullofHappiness · 30/12/2020 13:56

Unlikely to be offered it in 2021 I don't think, I'm under 30 and my medical conditions don't put me at more risk from Covid.

OP posts:
Pinkdelight3 · 30/12/2020 13:57

He says this is the best way to protect Ex-FIL from Covid and he’d feel more comfortable having DD if he knew I had it. He also showed me texts from Ex-PILs asking him to ask me if I’ll have it and let them know when I have.

Surely the best way to protect ex-FIL is for ex-FIL to have the vaccine?

nosswith · 30/12/2020 13:57

Given his concern, should he not have contact with your DD until his parents have had the vaccine?

SycamoreGap · 30/12/2020 14:03

Surely it makes more sense for your ex-FIL to be vaccinated - I appreciate his immune system is compromised (as is my DHs) but vaccination will possibly give some level of protection.

The biggest risk to your ex-FIL is your DD, not you - not sure what benefit you having the vaccination will give to him.

LetsSplashMummy · 30/12/2020 14:03

It's all just theoretical, you aren't going to have to actually tell him anything. His FIL will be offered the vaccine so much earlier than you that it's a non issue. If he asks just say something generic like "I can't wait to get it," and move the conversation on.

EveryDayIsADuvetDay · 30/12/2020 14:07

No wonder he is your ex - he seems very dim if he thinks covid vaccinations are available on demand.

LemonSquirtInTheEyeOfLife · 30/12/2020 14:10

I'd just tell him you'll have it as soon as you are offered it. Assuming that's true. None of his business exactly when. Unless they are all hermits, they are much better protected by getting it themselves than by relying on you to get it.

Aimee1987 · 30/12/2020 14:13

Something along the lines of this?
' I am ineligible for the vaccine at the moment as I am young and do not suffer from anything which would be affected by covid. Due to FIL age / underlying health condition he will receive a vaccination before me.
My personal medical records will not be discussed as previously stated in our court agreement.'
I am 100% for the vaccine however I would be incredibly surprised if lack of vaccination leads to a child being removed from a house

MotherofTerriers · 30/12/2020 14:13

I'd just say that you won't be offered it any time soon and will consider it when you are

MrsAudreyShapiro · 30/12/2020 14:22

As pp, I would just say you are unlikely to be offered the vaccine anytime soon. Don't get drawn into a discussion about when you might be offered it or what you might do in the future. I agree it's none of their business.

MispyM · 30/12/2020 14:23

You getting the vaccine may not protect your ex-FIL afaik. It will most likely protect you from experiencing symptoms (from getting sick) but it's my understanding that you could still spread the vaccine.

Or am I totally mistaken?

Anyhow:

"My medical information will not be shared as per our court agreement. This line of questioning is out of line and I find it absolutely unacceptable. But no, I'm currently obviously not eligible."

A "strong" response might lead to him not asking again.

Cocomarine · 30/12/2020 14:23

I wouldn’t really class getting this particular vaccine as sharing your medical information. I don’t see why you’d be particularly private about it anyway. So I’d be irritated by your XH (for whom there’ll be a massive back story of course) but life is too short not to just say, “yeah - will let them know”.

HollowTalk · 30/12/2020 14:26

Surely you'll be eligible to get the vaccine at the same time as he is. Why are you a bigger threat than him? Does he know the difference between testing and vaccination?

MrsAudreyShapiro · 30/12/2020 14:29

@MispyM They don't know if the vaccines will stop people spreading the virus or not, because the clinical trials did not test that. Many scientists think it may well reduce transmission, but it's too soon to say.

Wiredforsound · 30/12/2020 14:35

I’d grey rock this. It’s not worth getting into a debate about. I’d just say, ‘Sure, will let you know’. You’re not going to be eligible for at least 7-8 months (I’ve been told I’ll likely be eligible for mine in June and I’m 52) and things will probably look very different by then. If you decide not to get it you can tell them then. Just don’t engage - not your circus, not your monkeys.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 30/12/2020 14:37

Something along the lines of this?
' I am ineligible for the vaccine at the moment as I am young and do not suffer from anything which would be affected by covid. Due to FIL age / underlying health condition he will receive a vaccination before me.
My personal medical records will not be discussed as previously stated in our court agreement.'
I am 100% for the vaccine however I would be incredibly surprised if lack of vaccination leads to a child being removed from a house

This 100%

Godimabitch · 30/12/2020 14:39

ExFIL needs to get the vaccine. They can't ask you to get it and you've no obligation to tell them any of your medical info.

MispyM · 30/12/2020 14:43

They don't know if the vaccines will stop people spreading the virus or not, because the clinical trials did not test that. Many scientists think it may well reduce transmission, but it's too soon to say.

Thank you for the information.

The assumption that others getting vaccinated would reliably protect the ex-FIL is therefore rather baseless...

This could therefore be fishing for information, I guess. Or simply testing boundaries.

I'd shut that line of questioning down.

Calmandmeasured1 · 30/12/2020 15:31

I can totally understand why your ex and your ex ILS would wish to know. Personally, I would have the vaccine to protect them, if for no other reason, and would let them know. Don't let the past colour such an important issue. This Isn't necessarily about him wanting to control you still. Do it because it is the kind thing to do.

Original poster
TheBottleIsFullofHappiness · 30/12/2020 15:39

@Calmandmeasured1

I can totally understand why your ex and your ex ILS would wish to know. Personally, I would have the vaccine to protect them, if for no other reason, and would let them know. Don't let the past colour such an important issue. This Isn't necessarily about him wanting to control you still. Do it because it is the kind thing to do.
Isn’t it my choice? I haven’t decided if I’ll have it yet as I don’t have enough information to make an informed choice. I’m not going to get it just for them, otherwise they do still have a hold over me
OP posts:
wantmorenow · 30/12/2020 15:42

Honestly go grey rock - just send a smile and thumbs up.

Could mean anything. Do not engage. :-)

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