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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger Warning* Photo disposal

27 replies

spanishomelettes · 29/12/2020 19:11

My DC has a history of being sexually abused between 4-6 years of age. There are some pictures we have of DC during this time that are really lovely but I absolutely hate them I cannot stand looking at them, and I think it is because they were taken during the period of abuse. I thought these feelings would decrease with time but they haven' t, and I have been considering just throwing away the photos. On the other hand, my DC may appreciate having them in the future. Or maybe not.

My question is, what do people do with items that trigger traumatic memories, especially when it is indirectly to do with them? At what age should I/could I ask DC? Would they even want the photos?

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 29/12/2020 19:20

One side of my husband's family have heroin addictions going on. Four children were taken into care, one was sexually assaulted. They are now adults. All have requested their files from SS and have wanted any photos from relatives to help heal the past. Me and my husband didn't know that the last two children existed. The girl enjoyed me being able to look at old photos and see the resemblance to other family members. This isn't just about them, one day they might have children who would like to see the photos.

Do you have any family who you could trust with them? You could put them on discs, or have an email account with them on. Electronic storage might be better than physically having them.

fourandnomore · 29/12/2020 19:24

Could you put them in a safety deposit box or just in a sealed box somewhere marked with their name? I wouldn’t throw them away as the child may want them and it could hurt them not to have their photos. I’m so sorry, what a hard position to be in.

purpleboy · 29/12/2020 19:32

So sorry op. I do hope they and you are all doing ok.
I would keep the photos, even in a sealed envelope, as other posters have said they might be important to the children some day, maybe even as part of the recovery process?

Original poster
spanishomelettes · 29/12/2020 19:37

Thank-you, everyone. I will put the pictures aside. What if one of the pictures contains the abuser? I do have a few photos of them and DC

OP posts:
purpleboy · 29/12/2020 19:49

Hmm I probably wouldn't keep that one, might be a step too far. Could you cut them out?

Chipsahoy · 29/12/2020 19:51

I have recently got to the stage where I’ve asked for photos of me at the time of abuse. It’s taken 7 years of therapy over a ten year period.
Box them up and put them away. Keep them in case your dc needs them.

For me I need them. It’s a huge part of my healing.

Original poster
spanishomelettes · 29/12/2020 19:57

There are a few, and we can cut out DC to keep the picture of them alone.

Chipsahoy, can I ask how old you were when you started therapy? If you feel free sharing that, that is. No pressure.

DC is under 10 and has been in therapy two years, with an anticipated 1 more year. I guess we don' t really know how much therapy they will need as they get older, and I have found very little written about such experiences. It is also not something you can freely ask.

OP posts:
HibernatingTill2030 · 29/12/2020 20:07

I like the digital storage idea.
I wouldn't destroy/cut the picture with the abuser in yet. I would keep it separate, and be guided by your DC when they are older.

HibernatingTill2030 · 29/12/2020 20:08

I like the digital storage idea.

I'm not sure about cutting the abuser out, I think that would be a very personal decision. Personally, I would keep it separate from the others and be guided by your child when they are older.

Godimabitch · 29/12/2020 20:08

I'd keep them all, it could be useful for the child when they're older. Just put them away somewhere safe and wait for them to ask if you have any pictures. I think pictures of the abuser would either bring back traumatic memories they dont want, or help them heal fractured memories. Keep them but never show them to the child unless they ask.

Thelnebriati · 29/12/2020 20:22

Put them in separate envelopes and write on the outside who is in each photo. That way you can offer them to your DC's when they are adults.
Let them make the choice, don't make it for them.

Confused1010 · 29/12/2020 20:25

I was sexually abused as a child aged 7 to approx 12 - and I have photos of myself during that time, mostly of the younger years though (just how it is, not any reason behind that). I love them - they’re generally of just me doing “something” - hobby/playing in the snow etc. I look genuinely happy and I like that because it reminds be that despite the abuse, my childhood had moments of genuine happiness and that’s important to me so I would keep them.

Nyoman · 29/12/2020 20:26

I have no pictures of my childhood, it's something my children struggle to understand, and they would love to see mummy as a little girl. Please save some, even if it's just a few.

Cheesyblasters · 29/12/2020 20:26

Op, I agree with all the comments above, I would add that i would encourage you to keep the photo with the abuser, though perhaps in a sealed envelope and with a note with it as to who they are (in case for any reason they were to end up in someone else's hands, ie to make sure they weren't accidentally shown to the child)
However unpleasant it is, it can be helpful for a child when older, to see the person. Children can grow up with memories that are hard to piece together and some (not all) may benefit from seeing that person, albeit in a therapeutic setting. It can demystify them and it can actually help to reduce the power of other memories (eg I've known some children to have memories of certain features but not to have any recall of what the person looked like, which then can make navigating the world quite daunting eg if they are anxious about whether they would identify the abuser if they bumped into them as an adult)
Photos can provide a tangible and helpful piece of the jigsaw to older children/adults who have been through something traumatic as children. So if you can, keep them secure somewhere but as others have said it doesn't necessarily have to be somewhere that you'll see them and that would trigger you.

ToffeePennie · 29/12/2020 20:27

Can you not give them to a very close friend/relative or even the Therapist or Social worker involved to be included in their personal file when they are ready to be accessed?
Where I used to work, sometimes I would be given a photograph of someone/something to be put into that persons file. I just used to pop them into the file and they were digitised by someone else.

Bagelsandbrie · 29/12/2020 20:30

I would keep them somewhere safe. I am going through a thing of trying to piece together what happened to me as a child and I would have been grateful to have those photos, even with the abuser. It would have given me some sort of closure, or even to see myself as child and not feel so attached in some way. I know that sounds weird maybe but I think it’s hard to see ourselves as a child that it happened to even as an adult.

Azerothi · 29/12/2020 20:36

I was seriously sexually abused, both my maternal grandparents went to prison for it. I was told years later that it helps to see 'first hand' how young and innocent you were as a child in a photo or similar, particularly when you keep thinking somehow it was all your fault. It helped me anyway.

waitinggame108 · 29/12/2020 20:39

Don't cut out the abuser as you are taking away their choice.

What if they want to know what they look like to settle their fears?

Write who is on each photo and group them. Put them into envelopes. The child can then decide who they look at.

I work with adults and young people who have been abused, they often request their files or information. It might not make sense to us but sometimes they want to know everything, even god awful stuff to settle their anxiety

HarrietPotterska · 29/12/2020 20:55

As hard as this is for you, please keep them. As someone who has been in this position, it's not your history to erase. Keep them in a lockbox if needs be. They could be so very valuable for confronting the terrifying daemons your children will have. I think if I had a picture of my abuser I would now be able to see what an ordinary, non-terrifying human man that he is. It would have helped me. It would help me now.

mrstnov13 · 29/12/2020 21:03

I would give them to a trusted relative/friend.

Christmasfairy2020 · 29/12/2020 21:04

This is my worst nightmare something like this happening. I'm so ott wont allow sleepovers and only place my kids have ever gone is grand parents. Who assaulted your child was it a family member

Bagelsandbrie · 29/12/2020 21:05

@Azerothi

I was seriously sexually abused, both my maternal grandparents went to prison for it. I was told years later that it helps to see 'first hand' how young and innocent you were as a child in a photo or similar, particularly when you keep thinking somehow it was all your fault. It helped me anyway.
This.
Original poster
spanishomelettes · 29/12/2020 21:32

@Christmasfairy2020

This is my worst nightmare something like this happening. I'm so ott wont allow sleepovers and only place my kids have ever gone is grand parents. Who assaulted your child was it a family member
It has been the worst experience so far of our family.

It was not a family member, but rather someone in a care facility that was very close to DC. There is a history of sexual abuse from grandparents in DH' s family, and we instructed our DC from a very young age that their body belongs to them, no-one can touch without their permission, being conscious of things that made them uncomfortable and so on, but really, it did not help. We learnt we cannot trust anyone.

OP posts:
Iggly · 29/12/2020 21:38

I’d keep the photos of just them. I wouldn’t even keep the cut out ones with the abuser in.

I was abused at a similar age. Seeing pictures of me young - it didn’t trigger anything - I also had happy memories of my childhood too. I guess it depends who or what the photos include?

But from my experience - my childhood was not the sum total of the abuse I suffered - I didn’t and don’t want to erase all memories.

PreyingMantlepiece · 29/12/2020 21:54

I have a small, well sealed and labelled package of photos for my DC of them and their abusive and now absent parent, for well into the future.

I have separate folders for different paperwork at home, the package is with all the court and other related paperwork.

That way I don't have to open any of it and look at it.

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