I need help with my 7 year old

[Cocacola12]

He spends the entire day constantly annoying his brother and sister, he’s mean to them, nips them pushes them he argues about everything and can’t take no for an answer. He has started swearing at me (we never swear) telling me he is going to get a knife and kill me. He laughs when he hurts us. I’m absolutely at the end of my tether and honestly feel almost suicidal. What have I done wrong? The gp won’t listen to me, fobbed me off with loads of web links. Behaviour consequences don’t work he just says I’ll be good I’ll be good when I tell him that the consequence of what he does will mean on him losing/missing out on something. Then he will damage the house, kick walls. I feel scared and alone as no one realises how bad this is. My other two aren’t like this at all. This happens every day. I cry myself to sleep every night. Life is just impossible to enjoy as his behaviour ruins everything. Posting here for traffic.

No advice, I’m sorry OP. Keep trying with the GP. Do not take no for an answer.

My 6yo is like that sometimes, though more towards saying you all hate me, you don't want me as part of the family. As well as winding up her sister (3) no end. She has trouble at school too. Just bitten the bullet and I'm paying £60 a session for c12-20 sessions of play therapy. There are a few things in her past that I thought might need unpacking.

I couldn't read and run, but just to let you know you are not alone. For a year now my 8yo daughter has been the same. She can have me in years with her temper and slamming doors, breaking things. I don't have an answer, I'm sorry, but did start listening to the explosive child book. It has helped a little. Supposedly there is a surge of hormones between these ages, so putting it down to that. She is as good as gold everywhere else.

@Buddrinker84 its extremely difficult. Every day I wake with good intentions - today will be different, he’ll behave, and every day it’s the same. He’s always been fairly argumentative and immature, but this last year he has become extremely angry, frustrated and recently the swearing has started. I’m scared at the prospect of him getting older and it getting progressively worse. We have some problems at school with him being distracted and being a distraction, I would say class clown-ish, but no violence or anything like at home.
How do you deal with it?
Time outs don’t work as he will just destroy things.
We’ve been trying consequences and loss of privileges (mainly electronics) but now we are in lockdown again and the weather is terrible he’s bored and acting up more.

I have trouble with my 7 year old too, he isn't violent but won't take no for an answer, struggles to control his emotions and is very negative. I have emailed a few child counsellors, it may be expensive a d I know not everyone can afford it but if it helps him I will pay.

Do you have a partner?If so, I notice you don’t mention them in the OP.

When he would fly into uncontrollable rages and get to the point where we couldn't listen to reason- rightly or wrongly- I would simply cuddle him to calm him down and try and be empathetic with him. It worked, it was so upsetting seeing him so upset and he would hit himself as he got so stressed. The problems causing the flip outs didn't go away and he still has them regularly but he seems to be able to better control the length and force of them now. I think that approach helped.

I think it sounds like you're at the stage where you need some external support. If the GP was useless, as they can often be with behavioural issues, then you could try contacting the school nursing team for your area? They usually operate a self-referral system and will be able to give you some advice and support around the issues he's having, if they feel he needs ongoing support or assessment then they're also able to make the relevant referrals (e.g., CAMHS, behavioural support service, etc).

In the meantime, I recommend reading The Explosive Child. It's very helpful in learning how to deal with the kind of outbursts you're describing. I'd also recommend keeping a diary/log of incidents - what happened directly before, what happened during, what happened after - to help you look for patterns in his behaviour and to see if there are any specific triggers that you can identify, or signs that he is going to blow up, if you're able to spot them in future then you might be able to distract or redirect him.

The gp won’t listen to me, fobbed me off with loads of web links.

Did you read the web links and proactively apply the information and coping strategies within them?

If not, why not? You say you want to help him, but you need to take action towards that, and not expect someone else to do it for you. You need to read the websites and the books and apply what you learn.

So sorry OP.

Remember, all behaviour is a form of communication. What is your child trying to tell you? What are the feelings underneath the behaviour?

Hi there, I'm a primary school teacher and have taught numerous students with similar behaviours. Speak to your son's school and seek advice. They can provide you with a family support worker which can help you to manage his behaviour. Good luck!

You've described my six year old perfectly. Exactly same behaviour and issues. My four year old is not like this at all. I also wonder what I did wrong, cry myself to sleep through worry... no answers but you are not alone.

I would recommend that you google Warwick Dyer and read his e-book. warwickdyer.com/

My GP also won't listen. Tells me that it isn't that bad really. Tells me to talk to the school. Who tell me to talk to the GP...

So sorry you're going through this, OP. Your little boy sounds very much like my nephew who has ASD/ADHD. IME you need to be very persistent when it comes to referral for assessment, so in your position I'd arm yourself with as much information as possible and keep going back to the GP until they refer him (not sure if you can self-refer to CAMHS but worth looking into this too). Keep a diary for a week or two and note down all the behaviours that are causing problems, so that you have something concrete to show. Is there any way you can afford a private assessment? My brother and SIL scraped together a grand or so as the CAMHS waiting list was 2+ years and DN was diagnosed within weeks - it was a huge weight off their mind and well worth the cost (although I appreciate it's a large amount and not possible for everyone). Don't forget that if your DS has ASD, for example, you will be entitled to DLA for him, which can help with private therapy, clubs/activities, etc. Best of luck, it's bloody tough

What is his behaviour like at school? Is he able to hold it together there and then behave badly at home or is the behaviour at school also concerning? How much exercise is he able to get?

Also I don’t think exercise will solve his behaviour or you haven’t thought of that. How old are his siblings?

Hi OP, sorry to hear you’re going through this. What does a typical day look like for the two of you? Have you read and implemented the advice on the resources the GP has given you? What is it that you’d hope your GP would be able to do?

Do you have a BEAM service in your area? It’s a mental health for children place, specifically for primary school aged children. They can give him online counselling sessions, give you strategies for anger etc.
It may be helpful to call CAHMs too and get him on their waiting list.
He seems very angry and cross with the world, whilst it won’t fix it, have you tried just giving him “mummy and me” time so he can just be with you exclusively, he doesn’t have to share you and he can maybe open up a little about how and why he feels like this?

It's so hard, isn't it? My DS is 6 and prone to very loud, violent, rage-filled outbursts.

He's always been quite emotionally sensitive and temperamental, and really can't handle it when something feels unjust to him.

It can really turn into a vicious cycle - the more we tell him off, the more he acts up. He reacts better if we're calm and understanding (though this is hard when he's slamming doors and screaming like a demon).

Is your son more sensitive than your other two? Does he seem to need more one-on-one time with you or your partner in order for him to feel regulated?

I've found that using approaches from the 'respectful parenting' movement to be really helpful. Would recommend Janet Lansbury's work - podcast called Unruffled and a couple of books.

Also another few podcasts:
Parenting without Power Struggles
Authentic Parenting
Your Parenting Mojo

They're all on Spotify for free

@ToffeePennie you can’t just ‘call CAMHS and get him on their waiting list’ 🤦‍♀️

Actually where I live you can. You simply fill out a self referral form on their website and get put into a triage waiting list.

A lot of the resources my gp gave me were web links to various behavioural problems and the signs and symptoms of them - they all say contact your gp If you’re concerned that your child may be suffering from this.
The school don’t have a designated nurse at the moment so I was advised to speak with my GP, which I have done twice. The last time I was crying down the phone and said I was unable to cope. They said he didn’t warrant a referral.
His behaviour in school is that he struggles with focus if it doesn’t interest him, he sits at the front in front of the teacher and that helps. His school work this year has actually improved a lot. He is the youngest in the class. School don’t have major concerns just mentioned focussing but due to his age not uncommon.
I have though possibly ADHD/ODD. However he isn’t like this all the time - ie he could go to a friends house and behave perfectly, at school he isn’t a huge cause for concern. It’s mainly at home. I don’t think he has Autism - he doesn’t fit any of the other signs of it, in my opinion. Wouldn’t that have been picked up when he was younger? He was late hitting all his major milestones - sitting up, bum shuffling, walking, talking - but got there with all of them eventually. He’s very friendly and enjoys playing with others. He can focus if he enjoys something. I don’t know. I’m just a bit confused now. Have I missed something major.
I have spoken with a private psychologist to arrange to have a chat to go over what our issues are and see where we get to with him. I would be willing to pay privately to have him assessed but don’t even know where to start with that.
His dad is with us, however works very long hours so that main onus is on me. His behaviour when dad is here can be even worse.

His younger siblings are 6 and almost 2.
Curiously, as a toddler he never had meltdowns - never went through the “terrible 2’s” stage. It’s mainly this past year and in particular this past 3/4 months that the meltdowns have really begun. And the swearing (we really never swear, apart from the odd “shit” 🙈) but he comes out with f-ing bitch, a term we would never ever use.
He isn’t allowed to play violent computer games - he has a switch which he plays Mario kart on. We have banned roblox as he was becoming terrible at coming off it. Again that’s a huge sore point for him as all his friends play it.

When was the last time you spent a really fun enjoyable happy and loving half-day in each other’s company?