I need help with my 7 year old

[Cocacola12]

He spends the entire day constantly annoying his brother and sister, he’s mean to them, nips them pushes them he argues about everything and can’t take no for an answer. He has started swearing at me (we never swear) telling me he is going to get a knife and kill me. He laughs when he hurts us. I’m absolutely at the end of my tether and honestly feel almost suicidal. What have I done wrong? The gp won’t listen to me, fobbed me off with loads of web links. Behaviour consequences don’t work he just says I’ll be good I’ll be good when I tell him that the consequence of what he does will mean on him losing/missing out on something. Then he will damage the house, kick walls. I feel scared and alone as no one realises how bad this is. My other two aren’t like this at all. This happens every day. I cry myself to sleep every night. Life is just impossible to enjoy as his behaviour ruins everything. Posting here for traffic.

Which county do you live in? Google 'family support county' and see what's available where you are. I'm in Cornwall and we have so much support available here for the circumstances you describe.
Good luck

Reason for my question - if it’s been ages, I’d look for play therapy (or google relationship based play).

If yo bHAVE had fun together recently, think about what made it possible (what helped contribute to you and your son being in the right emotional frame of mind... i.e. when emotional needs were being met) and think about how you can recreate these conditions more frequently for you both.

@Sandalison I have found a play therapy service and emailed them this morning.
We went together to collect our Christmas turkey just me and him and it was fine. But as soon as we got home the rudeness and annoying of his brother and sister started. We try to let some things go but it seems every hour there is at least something inappropriate/rude that happens.
It seems to only time he is settled is watching tv/playing Mario or if we’re out a park ( which we do as often as possible)
He plays football on a Saturday but often is in his own world and more interested in playing with the boys in the park after the football is over. He swims but again it took months to get him even to put his head on the water (he still struggles after 2 years of lessons)
Beavers he adores.
All of these activities have had to stop as we’re in lockdown in Scotland, which is crap to be honest.

What triggers him?
Noise, hunger, touch, thirst, too hot or cold, try to find that and reduce that.

What techniques do you use?

Have you followed the links? If so, note this and the result.

List different behaviours. Eg school is notable. Also home.

You need to parent in a different way for this child. What are the most important things you need to sort out.

Have you done a parenting course? They do like to send you on them before you get help.

Look up the Nice guidelines. You might need them to persuade another GP to refer to a developmental paediatrician.

I second a big hug, it might work.

Good luck. It is hard work and lots of people will say it is your fault, until it's suddenly not. (On diagnosis probably)

Look up coke/pop bottle.

It's possible he has adhd, but looking at the timing could it be extreme anxiety? It seems to have got worse since Covid and him not being able to do his usual activities. Make 'special time' where you do things 1-1 together. Introduce a 'first we do xxx and then you'll be able to do xxxx' to get him to regulate his behaviour. Get him to do things for the family eg let's surprise daddy and make a xxxx, or shall we bake a cake for xxxxx. Try not to automatically get annoyed. if he hurts the other children remove them rather than get cross. He is seeking your attention. Catch him being good and when you do praise him madly. These aren't going to be an overnight fix but might help a bit

Sounds very similar to my 7 year old. He hs diagnosis of adhd. I'm doing the incredible years programme at the moment and finding the zoom support great. You can also get book online.

These are things iv found useful:

1. Praise. Lots of praise. Even if they are just sitting nicely or walking or been calm for 2 mins. Makes them feel good and makes you feel good. And its easiest to do. Also praising siblings but never saying to 7 year old why cant you be like x.
2. Ignoring - this one is tough esp of destructive. But I'm encouraging siblings to blank and walk away if 7 year old is being unkind. If 7 year old breaks something he has to use his pocket money to replace - this surprisingly has stopped lots of the destructive behaviour. He earns pocket money for set chores around the house. That money is never removed as he earned it but it will.be used to pay for items he breaks.
3. Distraction. It amazed me how easily I can deflect him. He is in a full on rage. I suggest I'm going to bake etc would he like to help weigh flour and he just snaps out of it.
4. 10min of play with just him a day. Mine loves boardgames so me and him play. We even made a chart of mum and boy activities so he can pick.

That's ones off top of my head. We still have bloody awful days but I finally.feel I'm getting somewhere.
www.incredibleyears.com

This is just one site. Available.other places
biblio.co.uk/book/incredible-years-webster-stratton-carolyn/d/337089598?aid=frg&currency_id=2&gclid=CjwKCAiA57D_BRAZEiwAZcfCxUy3PLTtnRsmZqvP7cWzjpk6cCww5h0G-4dyiTIunCdkdwbsjJ-3uBoCTLAQAvD_BwE?dcx=337089598

Also can you move all video games away from his bedroom. I policed my son until he was about 14 by having everything like that downstairs with an open door policy. It's really easy for children to access things they really don't need to see

Sensory issues? ( Water) any others? (Clothing, behaviour in supermarket prefers tepid baths, chews stuff, leans on you, )
Own world
Can concentrate on favourite things, but has concentration issues in school
Meltdowns/ difficulties with emotional regulation
Late développer with milestones.

Did he point at stuff, wave goodbye, lift arms to be picked up as a baby?

What's his socialising like? Over friendly, odd, dominates conversation, ( bit difficult to tell when young)

I do think it is worth getting a private assessment if you can afford it. The wait can be longer than 2 years on the NHS and that relies on getting past the GP.

Have you contacted your health visitor team? I didn’t realise but your child stays on their case load until teenage years. They can still support you at this age. They can make referrals and seem to be a bit more on it with behaviours than GPs

@BlackeyedSusan no sensory issues, but all the other things you mentioned he does. He met all milestones albeit late , he pointed waved etc. Never been very affectionate as a baby/.toddler but then neither was my middle child. Very sociable and always has been, recently has become quite rigid in that if someone doesn’t play what he wants he just won’t play with them, again this has only been in the last few months.

The fact that he can behave in other places is a positive. It’s very hard to manage in the middle of winter. Would he be open to some special 1:1 time maybe when the younger 2 are in bed? Is he getting physical exercise? Walks/parks/scooter/bikes. Hard with the little one when it’s cold. What happens if you ignore to an extent the language and redirect? Sorry I know I’m asking you all these questions. My 7 year old can be somewhat explosive and Has had some emotional support from school as is very anxious with change and uncertainty. Is that a factor for your little boy? How is his sleep?

Have you followed through on the consequences? You mentioned he says "I'll be good" when you tell him, but do you follow through? You mentioned he has a switch? Let him earn it each day. It starts the day locked away, and he earns ten mins play time for each thing he does well. Behaviour charts also work a treat if the child sees positive results from
Good behaviour.

Do you have a local Children's Emotional Wellbeing service or similar? This is what I work for. Parents ring with their concerns, a duty worker assesses them, they go to a meeting with management and they decide what help they can offer the family. It can be some parenting courses, a 1 to 1 Emotional Health Worker to work with the young person, an Education Mental Health Practitioner to work with school, 1 to 1 counselling or escalation to CAMHS if its felt the young person has complex needs.

I really think it might be worth having a look for something like this for you and your son. Good luck.

I find with my DS he needs a lot of physical exercise a day, my DH is currently taking him out for a 1.5 hour walk up the hills whilst there is not much else to do (tier 3) and it’s helping curb some behaviours. At home we try to ensure we give him lots of 1:1 time but this isn’t always easy

Mine are older now and didnt really annoy each other so I’m not the best placed to help but you mentioned how much he loves Beavers and that he’s fine at other people’s houses etc - and that it’s been an issue in the last few months. It wouldn’t be strange if this is a reaction to lockdown - that he has lost some of the things he loves doing. I know a family whose 9 year old behaved like this - not a problem at school although didn’t really like it much but awful at home, as you describe, bad language etc. They had advice to try family activities where possible , he got to choose board games, films etc, lots of praise etc . And to get out most days. Things got a lot better over time. I’d get out of the house every day no matter how bad the weather. People thought I was strange doing this when mine were little on my non- working days but so what! Mine slept great at night. Get raincoats, waterproof trousers and wellies on and take old towels etc to wipe down wet swing seats, slide etc at the park. You will often have the place to yourself. If there’s no reason why they can’t go out in the damp weather then go.

There is Parenting Network Scotland - might be worth contacting them to see if they can point you in the right direction for practical help? m.facebook.com/parentnetworkscotland/

Genuine question, I’m not judging. If you don’t swear, how does he know the words? Could he be being influenced by another child/trusted adult? I would be very concerned about this.

The trouble with getting him assessed is that they base a lot of their findings on what you tell them and questionnaires you fill in.
Given that he is capable of appropriate behaviour very often, it is likely just a mix of sibling rivalry and him acting in a way that is guaranteed to get your attention...any attention.... even negative attention.
As others have suggested maybe evaluate how you spend the time as a unit and how much one to one time each child receives. Maybe he as your eldest could have a later bedtime than the other two to enable you to focus on him exclusively.

@LuaDipa he has become friends this year with a boy in his class who is a year older (composite class) which I am guessing could be partly to cause the language issue. He tells me he is allowed to play. GTA and such games which we would never allow him to play...I’ve tried to discourage this friendship but he is very keen on this boy

Sympathies OP as my 6 year old is similar. We’re looking at a 12 week course of play therapy at a local centre, had a long chat with them before Xmas. And I saw these guys are starting an online course in mid Jan, I don’t know anything about them except the course was mentioned in a local parent support Facebook forum thing: nvrpc.org.uk/
Personally I don’t find the Janet Lansbury respectful parenting stuff that useful because my kid doesn’t respond or react in the way she suggests the child will (in the various scenarios she details).

I’m not trying to throw resources at you but ‘The whole brain child’ is a good book to give some insights into helping children with emotional regulation. Does your school have any of the staff trained as ELSA’s (emotional literacy support) that might be a good place to start too.