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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get upset when MIL talks about taking DS to their house,

65 replies

slimbyxmas · 24/10/2007 21:29

they live 3.5 hours drive away. Every time she visits ( sometimes unannounced for the weekend!)she asks my DS in front of me, " oh you will soon visit us on your own, daddy can just drive you and we will meet him halfway." I am still BF him could no more let him go for a weekend than cut my leg off!! Does anyone have any tips on how to handle these types of pointed comments, thanks.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:14

TheEvilDediderata, I don't think you should assume everyone has a positive experience with GPs. How dare you!

My MIL could not resist undermining my bfing, making catty comments about my parenting choices and generally doing her best to take over at every opportunity.

Do not transpose your own experience onto everyone else. I'm very glad if you have had super times with your DCs GPs. There are others who have not. Try to have a little empathy.

dee24 · 24/10/2007 22:20

But at the same time, we should be old enough now to realise that they only do so as they think they no best. As annoying as it may be (and a lot harder in the early months) you just have to ignore and not let it interfere with the GPs relationship with your child. Grandparents are important, mine never bothered with me when I was younger and it used to upset me especially when my friends were so close to theirs. My dp gran has become my adopted 'gran' as she is so lovely. All kiddies should be close with their grandparents.

pigleto · 24/10/2007 22:21

I am not close to my MIL and she always wanted to have ds to stay with her right from when he was a few months old. At the time I thought she was barking.

Now he is at school he goes out with her once a month and has stayed overnight twice. He loves her to bits and really enjoys their time together. She spoils him rotten. I get free time. It's pretty perfect.

In reply to the OP, I hope that they have a good relationship further down the line, there is plenty of time. He is your child so don't feel pressured into letting him go anywhere you don't want him to.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 22:24

What a disproportionate post, Winky.

How very dare you ...

dee24 · 24/10/2007 22:26

Haha! I had to look that word up Never did pass english........

WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:26

Read your posts again, Evil. "Winky, I'm sorry that you think grandparents interfere with your children."

You make generalisations about my views. I talk about my experience and what I understand from the OP's experience only. You should be more careful about what you say about other posters.

Disproportionate my rump! PARP.

Original poster
slimbyxmas · 24/10/2007 22:27

Thanks all, I do want him to have a good relationship with them too, and am sure he will in time. I suppose I just cant bear the thought of being apart from him at all at the moment and someone suggesting that at this age just gives me the heebie jeebies.

OP posts:
madamez · 24/10/2007 22:27

Whether or not YABU depends on how your relationship with her is in general. It is easy to feel defensive and paranoid and hostile when you have a newborn, and it may be that she is just a bit over-enthusiastic rather than over controlling. My own mother used to make comments about how she'd be happy to have my DS to raise - all as a bit of a joke (she was joking - we lived with her for the first 6 months and she was actually pretty good about letting me get on with it) but at the same time it used to b other me a little bit because I was constantly scared, at a low level, that either I'd do something wrong and he'd die, or that someone would pronounce me a Bad Mother (single, wierd friends, not very good at housework) and take DS away. This was pretty much all due to the hormonal chaos of the first few months: now I'm quite happy for him to spend a weekend with GPS now and again.

smallwhitecat · 24/10/2007 22:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

dee24 · 24/10/2007 22:29

Pretty sure a word may have been read wrong, surely nothing to get your knickers in a twist for

Original poster
slimbyxmas · 24/10/2007 22:29

new to this game, what is parp?

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:29

But it would seem your own experience is not valid and you assume that GPs are interfering.. . . . . . ..

WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:30

PARP means don't talk such cobblers.

Knickers in a twist? Not really. Just making sure that I'm not misrepresented. And there's nothing wrong with being a bit passionate about that.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 22:31

"Do not transpose your own experience onto everyone else ...."

Isn't that what you said? Isn't that what you're doing?

How bizarre. Not that I give a shit, but I do think your response to my rather mild post is disproportionate.

ds only has one grandparent. All the others are dead, including my mother. So I don't have a great fund of experience to draw from. I'm just rather grateful for the one who's still around.

Is that so odd?

dee24 · 24/10/2007 22:31

Well again, ignore ignore ignore! I have found generally it is just as they think they know best but it may well be for other reasons. A bit sad really, I know my mother had so many opinions when her first grandchild was born but after ignoring a lot of her advice she got the hint

peacelily · 24/10/2007 22:32

I'vw lost count of the times my MiL has said "i would let you, but your Muumy would kill me" usually related to some food issue (she thinks I'm barmy cos I'm a veggie, dd isn't but I won't let her eat the CRAP MiL churns out). She also grins when I say "no!" in a stern voice at DD.

I can totally empathise with your predicament. She often rambles on about how she doesn't understand why dd (13 months) has never stayed at hers but in a really underhand way. E.g. "ohh this travel cots just taking up space here" etc. I've tried to politely piont out that she can't manage to open a weetabix packet without it looking like it's been attacked by rats let alone work out the buggy.

Before anyone jumps on this and I get accused of being ungrateful you only know snippets of my situation so don't presume to judge!!

Slimbyxmas you have my deepest sympathy YANBU

WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:33

No. Of course it's not odd. Who said it was odd?

What is odd is to assume that other people should put up with what they should put up with what they feel is inappropriate behaviour from relatives.

I responded to the OP's quandary and related it to my own. You, Evil, made the assumption I think all GPs are interfering which is not the case.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 22:34

Weird.

WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:34

Whatever.

maisiedaisy · 24/10/2007 22:37

My MIL talks to DD aabout when she can go and stay with them - in Spain! She often mentions how old they have to be before children cam fly witout an adult.
I smile politely and think over my dead body!

pointydog · 24/10/2007 22:39

lol @ winky getting so cross with des.

Disproportionate - yes

WinkyWinkola · 24/10/2007 22:42

Slimby, hope that you feel you can make decisions for your DS and feel more confident about it.

stleger · 24/10/2007 22:48

DD1 is 14 and has been twice. Ds is 15, dd2 is 10 - they have never done it!

mistlethrush · 24/10/2007 22:48

How about turning this on its head - would you like to have some time for the two of you? Do you personally need some time to do something - why not say to her - please could you come up x weekend - we would like to ... I need some time to... and it would be really helpful if you could look after ds for a couple of hours.

Make it a period that you're OK with - if ds will take bottle of ebf, make sure there's plenty in fridge (and no other option) for mil to use.

Make the rules yourself, take charge, but take advantage of assistance when its offered (my ds now 2.6 - has not had unaccompanied visit elsewhere, but has been left for significant periods of time with mother and mil WHEN its CONVENIENT to ME!)

wannaBe · 24/10/2007 22:52

yanbu. your child, your decision.

And am sorry to say this but I don't get this whole "children should have a relationship with their grandparents".

Of course it's lovely if they do, but if they don't it really isn't the end of the world because they know no better.

I grew up abroad and consequently had no relationship with any of my extended family. I now live in the same town as them all and wouldn't know any of my cousins on my dad's side if I passed them in the street, and I haven't visited my grandmother for three years.

No I don't remember times as a child being spoiled by them as these times didn't exist for me, but as I knew no different I haven't really missed out iyswim?

Having said that, my ds does have a good relationship with both my parents and ILs, but it is perfectly possible to have that without having to spend extended periods of time away from me and just with them.

ILs live 4 hours away and there's no way ds will be going to stay with them on his own any time soon - he'll be 5 next month.

but the relationship can still be cultivated with us staying there or them staying here etc.

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