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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In laws and Christmas presents

34 replies

Ems11 · 28/12/2020 20:47

To think some children are treated differently than others in my husbands family. The in-laws have said we do KrisKindle for gifts for the children. So each family only have to gift one child. Turns out that’s not what’s been happening. All the sisters buy for all the sisters children (my husband is a brother). So my children get one gift and any child of a sister gets a gift from everyone. There are 4 sisters. This is all kept a very badly kept secret. Obviously as the children have gotten older they discuss gifts amongst each other.
I’m furious why are my children treated differently? It’s not the fact of the gift that is bothering me the children get plenty. It’s the secrecy around it and the pretence that there is a Kris Kindle when there really isn’t.

Should I say anything?

OP posts:

rottiemum88 · 28/12/2020 20:52

What does your husband think about it? Much as it sounds like fairly shitty behaviour on the surface, I'd suggest if anyone is going to raise the issue then it needs to be him. I also wouldn't waste your time getting "furious" about things that are outside your control, which includes the behaviour (fair or unfair) of others.

Original poster

Ems11 · 28/12/2020 20:56

I no I agree I’m annoyed at myself for being annoyed but I just don’t get the logic of just leaving certain children out.
He just keeps saying ‘well why would they do that’? I don’t think he truly believes it’s happening.

OP posts:

lemonsquashie · 28/12/2020 20:59

Just say you're not buying for anyone else's kids next year and they don't need to get for yours. Save your money. Save time. Save wrapping up

Amira19 · 28/12/2020 21:01

Do they have a closer relationship? Meet up together where as it's not pleasant it can be harder when there's zero relationship i spent more on dbro ds because I'm closer to him than my dbro2 2dc because they live far away and I dont see them and we don't have a relationship. Atleast youre only buying one present rather than 4.

HollyGoLoudly1 · 28/12/2020 21:06

Just checking I fully understand this... So the 4 sisters all buy for each other's children? But then pretend to do a Secret Santa for your children? So who actually buys your kids gifts each year, do they take turns pretending to have 'chosen' your kids? And then every year one of your nieces/nephews gets an 'extra' present from you, but has already received presents from 3 aunties?

Why on earth would they do this? Are they particularly close compared to their relationship with their brother? Did they maybe want to save the pressure on him to buy for the 4 sisters children if they aren't close? This seems bizarre to me unless there's some backstory.

Original poster

Ems11 · 28/12/2020 21:15

Hillygoloudly that’s exactly the case. I know I agree it is very bizarre. Years ago when people started having more kids (there’s 11 children including mine) it was agreed there would b kris kindle. In this case the god parent bought for their godchild only. So my children get one gift each of their god parent on my husbands side that’s it.
In the last number of years it’s become obvious that all the sisters buy for the all the sisters children. So every other child but mine.
My husband has another brother that their children were left out of equation too but since his wife has got close to the matriarch of the family, the older sister, her children now get gifts too. As crazy and petty as it sounds this is the case.
When my children were younger they were close to my husbands side but over the years not so much. I don’t think they like me very much so that could be the reason.
There was a row a couple of years ago when a family holiday was booked when I couldn’t get the time off work. We told them I couldn’t get time off, they booked it and didn’t tell my husband. Things have deteriorated since.

OP posts:

EggscellentEggplant · 28/12/2020 21:27

Who's child do you buy a present for?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 28/12/2020 21:36

That's really sad, what a petty, hurtful thing to do. Are they aware that the children know this is going on?

We have a similar, but not as severe, issue with my DH's side of the family. His parents live about an hour away but his sister lives in the same estate so I get that they will be closer but the difference in treatment is stark. I'm forever seeing pictures on Facebook of her children getting extravagant birthday presents, balloon arches, easter cupcakes, after school icecream treats etc. My DS and DSD get typical birthday/Christmas presents, so not forgotten but definitely not thought about in the same way. It stings. I've learned to scroll on by and over the years have distanced myself bit by bit. I would do the same if I were you.

Toilenstripes · 28/12/2020 21:39

What is Kris Kindle?

HollyGoLoudly1 · 28/12/2020 21:41

@Toilenstripes

What is Kris Kindle?

Secret Santa in Ireland I believe.

PenCreed · 28/12/2020 21:43

@Toilenstripes

What is Kris Kindle?

Another name for Secret Santa according to Google.

H1974 · 28/12/2020 21:54

So to get this right.

All the 4 sisters buy a present for each of their sisters children, so if each sister has 2 children, 1 sister is buying 6 presents but only 1 of the sisters buys for your children, so if you have 2 children, your children get 1 present each from 1 sister only.

Then am I right in thinking, you buy for 1 sisters children.

If it was done as a Secret Santa where each sibling buys for 1 household then that is totally fine if everyone is being treated fairly. If they are all buying for each others kids and not including yours, in my opinio , that is just terrible. I would never treat any of my nieces and nephews any different, irrelevant of them being a sister or brothers sibling.

notintergalatic · 28/12/2020 22:01

A similar thing happened in my husbands family. A decision was made to have a secret santa but it was somewhat of a unilateral decision to support a family member with a lower income. First year as Christmas approached the female siblings were obviously chatting about shopping and presents. I get the impression that one sister said, I know I'm supposed to buy one present but I've seen this really cute thing for x and other sister agreed etc. Husband is close to his sisters but has no interest in gifting/shopping so wasn't in the loop. Happened for a couple more years and then secret santa was abandoned. The kids were too young to notice. If you want your child to have more presents I suspect all you have to do is get presents for the other children.

SimplyRadishing · 28/12/2020 22:05

I vote YABU because I'd love this set up and wouldn't care what the SILs were doing.

You are saving so much money and avoiding buying a load of crap for a dozen kids - winner winner chicken dinner

coldwaterfeed · 28/12/2020 22:21

YANBU, that’s shitty. Is DH buying presents for his his nieces and nephews?

I would just have DH message them and say as we are being left out of Christmas present exchanges, we won’t take part in KrisKindle anymore. (Never heard of KrisKindle before).

livefornaps · 28/12/2020 22:25

Next year, I would "deliver" "gifts" in a massive festive stocking...and then they open it to find merely confetti....and on each piece of confetti 'twas writ:

"FUCK OFF STINGY CUNTS"

RandomUsernameHere · 28/12/2020 22:27

@SimplyRadishing

I vote YABU because I'd love this set up and wouldn't care what the SILs were doing.

You are saving so much money and avoiding buying a load of crap for a dozen kids - winner winner chicken dinner

Exactly this

Beautiful3 · 28/12/2020 22:29

Looks like you're the winner here. You only have to buy one present and you don't get loads of plastic crappy presents! You are do lucky. Just breathe in and out and say I'm a winner!

hopeishere · 28/12/2020 22:32

I think its Kris Kringle. en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kris_Kringle

It does sound very unfair. Are they closer as a group of sisters? Do they see a lot of each other?

Floralnomad · 28/12/2020 22:33

But surely you’ve equally only been buying for one child so you are not out from a financial POV so I can’t really see what the issue is . I’m fairly sure that there is inequality in loads of families where some members of the family are closer than others

MarthasGinYard · 28/12/2020 22:35

Kringle
Not kindle

Nottherealslimshady · 28/12/2020 22:36

Is it an issue with your husbands effort with presents? Could they have been feeling that they were getting the shitty end of the stick?

We do secret santa in DHs family. But we still buy for PILs and they for us. The secret santa is really only for the benefit of one division of the family.

SnackSizeRaisin · 28/12/2020 22:37

It seems fair as you buy one present and receive one present. I don't really see the problem. If you want to buy for all and receive from all, then just tell them this. Personally I would prefer the status quo (although your children might not)

1Morewineplease · 28/12/2020 22:52

@Toilenstripes

What is Kris Kindle?

Isn't it meant to be Christingle ?

thebakeoffwasntasgoodthisyear · 28/12/2020 22:58

My in-laws have a similar two-tier Christmas present thing for nieces and nephews. (Not PIL - they are lovely and great all the children equally including step-GC). It started off that everyone bought all the kids a gift, then switched to a godchildren only. Not all are baptised or have aunts/uncles as godparents so that didn’t really work. It then got switched to Kris Kringle but later transpired that some of the SIL were all still buying for each other’s children.

Thank god my own family are more straightforward - I wouldn’t dream of excluding any of my nieces or nephews.

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