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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To try and convince oh that this is a perfect time to get married.

57 replies

Dusty9729 · 28/12/2020 19:33

I appreciate that many couples want big weddings and covid has ruined that, it sucks.

But, I’ve always wanted a small wedding. I don’t like big groups of people, I don’t like too many eyes on me. Oh is similar. Nor have we got the money to have a big wedding. But we felt we’d always be obliged to invited loads of people and distant relatives we never see etc.

So aibu to think that right now it’s a perfect time to get married? For us anyway. It means there would be no guilty when we didn’t invited everyone we knew and just stick to immediate family.

We aren’t even officially engaged but spoke about getting married loads. We have two dc 🤣 one of which is autistic and wouldn’t cope with a large wedding anyway.

So yeah perfect time? Was hoping for an engagement ring this Christmas 🤣

OP posts:
LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 28/12/2020 20:03

Book the wedding you want. It’s a day for you two to pledge to spend the rest of your lives together. There shouldn’t be any expectations on you to do it a particular way. You don’t need anyone else. So do it how you want to - we did, 8 people in the room, a lovely lunch together, and then off on honeymoon. We’ve never had a single regret in almost 20 years.

HotSince63 · 28/12/2020 20:04

If you want a small wedding and need a reason for a small one then yeah, now (Covid restrictions), is the perfect time and I know several couples that have. I'd have got married during this time myself, I'd have loved a small wedding - and given his previous excuses, he can't really wriggle out of it now, can he?

Respectabitch · 28/12/2020 20:05

If you've both agreed that you want to get married, surely you are engaged. And with DC with special needs, the sooner you have that legal framework in place the better. Just tell him you should book a date asap. If he wants to marry you as you say, why would he object?

LeSangeEstDansLarbre · 28/12/2020 20:06

We also did what you’d like to do: agreed to get married on a weekend, bought the ring the next day, ordered the wedding rings at the same time, booked the venue and the honeymoon the following week, and were married in 6 months. It really doesn’t have to be complicated.

TheVamoosh · 28/12/2020 20:06

He says he hasn’t proposed as he doesn’t want a long engagement and would want to be married shortly afterwards but we’ve never had too much disposal income to get married so it’s never happened!

Oldest excuse in the book. I think I've read this exact line on MN about 500 times, at least. He doesn't want to get married.

SimonJT · 28/12/2020 20:10

Go for it if its something you both want.

We are hopefully getting married in April, we were feeling hopeful when we booked it so we have planned for 15 people and a small celebration after. We are now feeling much less hopeful, we are both happy to marry as just us and two witnesses at the registration it need be, but as we’re in tier 4 it could be cancelled altogether, so we have everything crossed it can go ahead.

Xenia · 28/12/2020 20:12

We have a family wedding coming up in the Spring, although in tier 4 weddings are currently 100% banned unless you are dying so in London you cannot get married currently even if just the happy couple are present unless you can prove you will be dead in a few days' time, as the state has chosen to ban it.

Minky37 · 28/12/2020 20:13

I think he’s dragging his feet and making an excuse. I think you need a good honest conversation, where both of you are clear about whether you want to get married or not, and if you agree you will, when this will happen.
In my mind if you live together and already your have children, a proposal and engagement are sentimental notions and just you need the clarity of if then when he wants to be married (or not). Rather than a ‘romantic’ idea.
Sorry if that bursts a bubble but I think you need to talk in practical terms.

firstimemamma · 28/12/2020 20:15

@Dusty9729 thanks for the reply, that's good that your son would be fine. The only other thing I'd point out is that venues can make up their own guest maximum numbers so sometimes the government numbers e.g 15, 30 are irrelevant. Once when the government number was 30 our registration office randomly decided it wouldn't have weddings with any more than 6 (yes, 6!) guests. Then a few weeks later it went back up to 15! Hopefully by the time you get to sorting things out it won't be anything like this, just something to be aware of and frankly something I wish someone had warned me about! Good luck with everything Smilep.s the legal bare minimum payment for us has been £216, everything else is an optional extra.

Original poster
Dusty9729 · 28/12/2020 20:21

My post wasn’t about whether he wants to get married or not. We discuss it all the time! We both want to, it’s just finding the right time. He also said he’s too scared to pick a ring as he knows him picky I am! 🤣

Also, my grandpa died earlier this year and I always wanted him to give me away (he died suddenly so I thought I had plenty of time) 😫😫 oh has said he has felt so guilty we didn’t do it sooner. He definitely wants to!

Obviously getting married will make it legal but nothing major will change. We own a home together already and live like a married couple! We do everything together and never apart!

OP posts:
Original poster
Dusty9729 · 28/12/2020 20:22

@firstimemamma thanks for the info!

OP posts:
sweetchristmastime · 28/12/2020 20:24

Do it 😁

gurglebelly · 28/12/2020 20:24

Sorry op, completely disagree - we are on our third wedding date now because every time lockdown (or in our current case tier 4 happens) all wedding ceremonies are cancelled.

We genuinely don't care about the whistles and bells, but those thinking that small ceremonies aren't being disrupted at all are in la la land....

Respectabitch · 28/12/2020 20:27

Well, if you're very confident that he wants to be married as much as you do, he'll definitely say yes. Rings and money and guest lists are silly reasons to wait when you have DC that need security and know that life can be short. So let us know when you've had the conversation.

gurglebelly · 28/12/2020 20:27

Oh and all the 'just go to the registry office tomorrow' people seem to conveniently forget that you do actually still need to go and give notice.

Getting an appointment at the registrars is a nightmare (as they are focusing on death registrations in many areas), and you still need to wait the 28 days once you have

ChippyChickenChips · 28/12/2020 20:27

Sounds to me like he's dragging his feet. The day I got an unexpected positive result was the day we booked our marriage. He booked it after checking if I agreed.Register office with 8 guests and a local restaurant after. No engagement ring, I didn't want one. And more a consultation than a proposal. We were, nevertheless, blissfully happy.

AnotherEmma · 28/12/2020 20:42

He doesn't need a ring to propose, that's a rubbish excuse. Although you might need to spell it out to him, men are a bit clueless like that. Just propose to him and choose a ring together.

We had discussed getting engaged and DH said he wanted to propose but I said I wanted to choose my ring, so he proposed without a ring and we chose one together shortly after.

ZooKeeper19 · 28/12/2020 21:06

@Dusty9729 if this helps, we got married in our Town Hall after attending a mandatory meeting with the officials with passports and all (planning and wedding done in 15 days). Altogether 20 people (and that was 18 too many imo) but we felt it was hard to tell no to parents and childhood friends (my DH thought this, not me).

Followed by lunch in local pub/restaurant, started at 11am home by 4pm. No engagement (I do have a wedding ring themed after LOTR and told DH he can do whatever he wants but I have my ring and it makes me happy, I sometimes wear it even).

We are both ASD and I had a massive anxiety attack throughout the day before and right before the wedding but it went OK in the end. It would be impossible for me to have it any other way (we did it pre-covid and most people I know do not know we got married even).

I think doing it now is an amazing idea (provided you all stay safe about things).

FloodedRoad · 29/12/2020 13:17

So many partners of MNs don't want to propose because:
A) times not right
B) they want the proposal to be special and that can't be rushed
C) they don't want to get the ring wrong
D) they need to save up for the ring/wedding

I always think the translation of the above is:
You're good enough to make a home with and provide me with children, but not good enough for me to provide you with the security of marriage and all the benefits of marriage.

If you want a proposal and a ring you needed to get them before children IMHO, if you want marriage, I wish you good luck.
If you don't want a big wedding don't have one, I don't get the issue?
The bigger issue is that your dp doesn't seem to want to get married. He talks about it to keep the peace, but obviously nothing actually moves forward so he's happy as Larry.

FloodedRoad · 29/12/2020 13:19

Sorry if I've come across a bit harsh, I've just seen these types of posts everyday on MN for 15 years!

MatildaTheCat · 29/12/2020 13:23

Book it and then surprise him with the news on NYE? He’s a procrastinator and is dithering. Just book it and then spend a month/ six weeks or whatever choosing all the nice details but the date is set.

No idea why in these times it has to be women waiting for a proposal when you have a family together.

Just Do It.

Bluemooninmyeyes1 · 29/12/2020 13:55

Hi op, all being well we’re getting married in March (everything is booked) and it’s worked out ideal as we only wanted a small wedding too but believe it or not even during a pandemic(!) where numbers are limited some people in my family have still taken offence that they weren’t invited! The only drawback about planning a wedding now, as others have mentioned, is that rules change on a weekly basis but luckily our venue have been really understanding and we haven’t had to pay the full balance yet. Good luck and if it’s something you both want then go for it.

MaskingForIt · 29/12/2020 16:22

Book it and then surprise him with the news on NYE?

Oddly enough, the OP’s boyfriend actually needs to be present for them to declare intent to marry. What with consent being important, and all that.

thepeopleversuswork · 29/12/2020 16:24

I can't think of anything worse than a big wedding. The idea makes my flesh crawl.

So if I was looking to get married again (which I'm not) I'd do it as low-key as possible and tell precisely no-one until it was done.

Xenia · 29/12/2020 16:28

Also anyone planning for March (which is our family wedding too) if weddings are still banned in March you can probably just move it to when they are allowed eg 1 April might suddenly be okay.