Another child free vs having a baby thread

[Kiwiinparis]

I’ve noticed there have been a couple of threads lately about whether or not to remain child free. I’m in exactly the same boat and really unsure with either decision and need some perspective please!

A little bit of background - 27, DH is 28. We’ve been sitting on the fence the last couple of years about what we want to do, and I feel like I change my mind weekly on this.

Close friends and family are starting their own families now, and I love being involved with their pregnancies/babies. I find the pregnancy stage fascinating, and do think babies/toddlers are very cute. I often find myself daydreaming about one day when I can be pregnant and how We would tell my in laws and parents, how we would decorate the nursery and what names we like.

On the flip side having no experience with my own baby, it’s hard to comprehend exactly how difficult bringing up a child is, and if I would be any good at it. Childbirth also scares me, as does loosing some of my freedom and a potential breakdown of my relationship as so many posters have bought up on other threads. We do have a strong marriage but my DH does not do well on lack of sleep and I would by lying if I said I wasn’t worried about how he would cope with a newborn. He is also still unsure and wants to wait a couple of years which I completely agree with.

I just wonder for all of you out there, was there something that just clicked at a point in your life where you knew 100% that you wanted a baby, or the opposite? I know I’m leaning towards having (just) one at this stage but I’m able to envision a child free life and everything we would be able to achieve just us two and that also brings me happiness.

The fact that you are already aware that your DH doesn't do well on little sleep is a red flag for me. It's not necessarily a short phase of sleep deprivation as a PP has suggested (and hell, you can feel pretty darn rough after just a few nights of disrupted sleep!), it can go on for years! And 'disrupted' really is accurate, you don't just roll over and go back to sleep, you've got to do stuff (change a nappy, change clothes, change items of bedding, feed, burp) and then try to get yourself and baby back to sleep. Over and over.
I had my DC with someone who also doesn't 'do well' on disrupted sleep, and as well as it being fucking hard to do the nights alone, you then have to manage the days too. Sleep deprivation did for DP's MH and was a big contributing factor in his breakdown soon afted DC was born. I'd had no inkling that he wouldn't manage well.

Global warming being what it is, I would question the ethics of bringing life into this world. I have a 2 year old and I was very broody at the time but I wish to god someone had said bluntly that I would lose my sleep, lose my sanity, be called mum and not my name, lose people who weren't interested in motherhood. It's a grind, everything stops. You exist solely to serve the needs of a small creature who may or may not give you those so called precious smiles and cuddles.

as does loosing some of my freedom
Some? Think all rather than some. At least that's how it feels at the time.

If the idea of being a mother is stronger than the dread of losing all your freedom, you know you're emotionally ready!

It sounds like it’s something you want but you’re not ready. There’s no rush. I am in my 30’s and plenty of friends still having them / just starting out.

You could consider adoption or fostering in a few years if having your own does not work out.

Based on threads on here, I would say only go into trying for a child if you're absolutely happy to potentially raise it on your own. Kind of a sad thing to have to warn you on, but you have no idea if your partner will stick around, if he will remain faithful etc. You can trust him obviously not to do that, but so did a lot of other women on here. They still got abandoned. You've said already you think your partner will struggle, and that's likely to be true. He might step up and still get on with it despite it being hard, he might be a shit and bugger off, being a weekend dad instead.

I'm not having kids because I've never wanted them to be honest. I'm selfish and enjoy my time to myself, I have a horse and trying to have a child as well would just ruin my time spent at the stables. Yeah the kid could stay with the dad, but that is assuming we stay together, a lot of couples break up because they had kids, it makes it so difficult.

Kids do have some positives to them obviously, you get to watch them grow up, make mistakes, achieve things, be proud of them for their achievements, become close to them and have a great relationship. But there's a lot of hard work to get to that, tantrums, sickness, hormones etc. Depends on if you think it's all worthwhile.

My mum’s terminal illness and death at 61 is what changed my outlook on life generally, and that’s when we decided to try. We have quite challenging circumstances with our twins and I wish I’d had them earlier (I was 34 when they were born). We had to actively decide to try as I had to come off medications in order to do so - I suspect if we’d been able to just not prevent it and see what happened we would have been happy having them sooner.

Yes we have a lot less freedom generally, haven’t been on holiday for years and unlikely to be able to do so any time soon. I do miss things like meals out and the cinema but most people who have one child with no disabilities can manage this with babysitters or family, whereas things are trickier for us. I was very scared of making the leap and due to the situation it’s been much harder than I could have imagined, but I also couldn’t imagine how much I would love them and how much motivation I would have to do my best for them. You can sort of imagine the downsides (lack of sleep, loss of freedom, impact on career) but you can’t really imagine the positives until you had them - I thought I did, but I didn’t.

I wouldn’t want to be childfree now I have them, no matter how tough it is.

@CakeRequired very true. Having children can take its toll on the most solid relationship. And adult children aren’t always wonderful people, they can be selfish and entitled. I’ve seen this with the adult children of some of my friends.

I'm in this boat myself OP- I started taking folic acid in November and we were going to start TTC in January but have since changed our minds. Mostly because of the covid vaccine and the advice being nkt to get pregnant 3 months after so we're going to wait until Oct time and re assess. It's weird because we were so keen and now we've done a complete U turn and don't feel ready at all. I'm 30 next year and he's 34 and we've been together over 10 years so I thought we'd deff be ready by now!