Another child free vs having a baby thread

[Kiwiinparis]

I’ve noticed there have been a couple of threads lately about whether or not to remain child free. I’m in exactly the same boat and really unsure with either decision and need some perspective please!

A little bit of background - 27, DH is 28. We’ve been sitting on the fence the last couple of years about what we want to do, and I feel like I change my mind weekly on this.

Close friends and family are starting their own families now, and I love being involved with their pregnancies/babies. I find the pregnancy stage fascinating, and do think babies/toddlers are very cute. I often find myself daydreaming about one day when I can be pregnant and how We would tell my in laws and parents, how we would decorate the nursery and what names we like.

On the flip side having no experience with my own baby, it’s hard to comprehend exactly how difficult bringing up a child is, and if I would be any good at it. Childbirth also scares me, as does loosing some of my freedom and a potential breakdown of my relationship as so many posters have bought up on other threads. We do have a strong marriage but my DH does not do well on lack of sleep and I would by lying if I said I wasn’t worried about how he would cope with a newborn. He is also still unsure and wants to wait a couple of years which I completely agree with.

I just wonder for all of you out there, was there something that just clicked at a point in your life where you knew 100% that you wanted a baby, or the opposite? I know I’m leaning towards having (just) one at this stage but I’m able to envision a child free life and everything we would be able to achieve just us two and that also brings me happiness.

I have 4, goes without saying love them so much, however I think if I has my time again, I’d have none, 1 or 2. For perspective, I have two teenagers and a pre teen.🤯🤯

I spent my 20s fairly ambivalent, enjoying my career, travelling, getting married etc. Hit 31 and desperately wanted a baby so something definitely clicked for me. Now a tired, fatter and poorer mum of 2 and I wouldn't change it for the world!

@Plussizejumpsuit

I'm child free age 35. I've never wanted children. But one thing I would say is I don't really get the whole thing with not understanding how hard it will be. Is it really so hard to imagine a little person needing everything from you. Rarely getting a rest. Arguing over who did what.

Honesty I find it astounding when people make this huge decision to bring a life into the world. Yest say no one told me how hard it was. Yet women on here and irl are constantly saying how hard it is.

My point is I think it is very very hard and its something you have to want and be prepared for the impact on your life.

This was me, I had no clue. I didn't know anyone with kids when I got pregnant, I didn't really even know much about babies and wasn't particularly maternal either. I had a baby because I wasn't really doing much else with my life (terrible reason). Looking back had I had the life I have now (11 yrs later) I suspect I would be child free. This don't not mean I don't adore my children (I have 2) with every part of me, in fact I find the overwhelming love, constant guilt and worry about raising them part of the issue. Especially as I have one child with additional needs. I wasn't the sort of person that should have had children but I didn't know this in my late 20s, mostly relating to my very poor self esteem. Mine are 10 and 7 now and it's a wonderful age that I am finally enjoying (before the turbulent teenage years).

I always wanted to be a mum.

I've been with my husband since we were 20, at 29 we decided to stop trying to prevent getting pregnant and just see what happens. Anyway after a few months of not getting pregnant we both realised that we did want to start a family and there would never be a right time to start.

I had DD at 30 and now expecting another at 33, the newborn stage is hard but it doesn't last forever, I found I did a lot of it myself as DH doesn't cope well on lack of sleep and he had to go to work as well.

Would just point out before trying we had already bought our house and both had good jobs etc, I've dropped a day since having DD due to nursery costs and it's nice to have quality time with her.

Trying: tracking ovulation, having sex every 48 hours during the first two week of your cycle, knowing exactly when you’re due and feeling nervous a day or so before

Outside of MN conception forums I don't think many people actually do most of those things, if any, when they say they are ttc. We didn't/aren't. It was still clearly ttc given we had stopped using contraception.

OP, I think you 100 per cent know if you want kids. If you don't feel that, you don't want one, and shouldnt plan to make one. Right now anyway. Obviously that could change at any point in your future. Also totally agree with PPs that planning a pregnancy is ultimately about creating a future adult child and the family that you and they have when they are adults, definitely not about creating a baby. They will be an adult for far longer than any of their childhood stages after all.

We went from 'never having kids' at 23 to 'maybe one day' after getting married at 31 to 'I suppose we'd better have a go before it's too late' at 34.

I never had a strong desire to be a Mum and in fact think my upbringing by a resentful mother put me off the idea. It was definitely more a time is ticking away feeling than the click you describe, i'd barely held a baby let alone looked after one. But despite not being sure and doubting my suitability for motherhood it's hands down the best thing I've ever done. Hardest too, but worth it.

I think the exploring you are doing - imagining what it will be like, weighing up the pros and cons - is a sign that you want children but also a sign that you're not ready yet. You're young, if I was you I'd spend the next couple of years travelling (covid permitting), saving, getting on the housing ladder, pensions set up etc so you're in a really good position to have no regrets.

You are focussing too much on the baby part instead of the lifelong child part.

Only do it if you can afford to keep working full time.

Goodness @MeadowHay I didn't mean to offend or get a sarky raised eye emotion.

I literally just meant that we weren't using contraception but weren't intentionally trying for a baby. I know many people who have gone through months/years of actively trying to get pregnant, and all the stress and heartbreak that can entail.

We were just very lucky and had an " if it happens then it happens" mentality, years ago. We weren't tracking cycles, or havi bf sex on specific day etc etc. Those are what I would class as "trying for a baby". We weren't trying not to have a baby by using contraception. I hope that makes sense. No need to be snarky about it. I thought it would be clear what I meant from my post, as when I've talked with friends about it in the past it made sense 🤷🏻‍♀️

As much as I love my kids and being a mum jeez they are hard work. I always knew I wanted to be a mum. They were absolutely planned and very much wanted. Felt like something was missing from our lives.

I do think now though that if you are not sure then I really wouldn't. It would be a massive, massive shock to the system to say the least. Possibly be a big mistake that you wish you cld undo but can't. Your still young, park the idea for a while. Maybe do some baby sitting for relatives or friends to try to get an idea of what it's like.

I really really really wanted kids and we are both exhausted, never get a minute to ourselves. There's always one of them up in the night or up early morning. It's a very very different life to the life we had before. I wouldn't change things but I do long for the fancy holidays we used to go on and all the free time I had. It's a massive decision. It is worth it though for all the fun and giggles, cuddles and kisses. They are the most important ppl in my life.

And @MeadowHay I guess my point was we weren't "hoping a child would result from" sex at that point. We were at the stage where we knew we eventually wanted a family, but weren't broody/decided it was the right time for babies, so actively trying. We were just in a "we know we eventually want kids, there's no actual reasons not to have them" etc stage. So when I got pregnant it was a bit "eeek omg this is unexpected" as you hear so much about people struggling, and we were planning to probably actually "try" later in the year. So we were just very lucky that I didn't have fertility issues etc, and got pregnant without having to focus on trying.

My point to the OP was mostly just, we weren't broody and trying, we fell pregnant, which was a nice surprise (don't shoot me down, obviously it's not completely unexpected and a shock if you're not using contraception!) but we always knew we wanted a family so, whilst daunting, it was good. And not 7 years on its brilliant and I wouldn't change a thing.

Babies have never been something I have been broody about, but having children and a family is lovely, and I meant that, for me, that was what I would focus on

I would give it 3-5 years and see how you feel then. 27 is so young. I had my first at 32 and second at 37. No way I would have been ready for a child at 27, even though I knew one day I probably would be. Live life, travel, build your career, have fun, amazing nights out, develop your hobbies and interest, and then see how you feel in a few years. The answer will probably be a lot more obvious then.

Parenting a 'baby' is a tiny percentage of your child's life. As many have said, its more about if you want a family than a baby.

Childbirth is one day of your life. You forget the pain pretty quickly. But having a baby isn't about the cute, novelty bits like painting a nursery or dressing them up in sweet outfits. It's about real life.

My biggest advice is that you have to be prepared to give up every little bit of "selfishness" you have. You literally give your entire life to someone else. You don't get to do what you want, whenever you want anymore. If you're happy to do that, you're ready for a child.

You are still young (not patronising - you’re my age & we are) so I think if you are ‘on the fence’ in your 30s it might click. If you are already making plans, checked out the practicalities etc it sounds to me as you are leaning more towards...

For me, I knew I wanted a family. I wanted 3 children (I am pregnant with DC3) and I settled down early, I’m married, have a mortgage, a good career(ish) & work full time earning well so not in any vulnerable positions. I cannot imagine myself in old age not having children / grandchildren / great grandchildren?!, that to me would be quite sad.

Do I think I was too young? Possibly. I had my first at 21 & in hindsight maybe I should have waited a little longer & enjoyed being child free & not having those responsibilities for longer however I wouldn’t change a thing. My children are my absolute pride & joy.

I think you have plenty of time to work it out, so enjoy what you are doing now & whatever choice you make will be the right one for you

I find the pregnancy stage fascinating, and do think babies/toddlers are very cute. I often find myself daydreaming about one day when I can be pregnant and how We would tell my in laws and parents, how we would decorate the nursery and what names we like. I never, not for one second, had any of these feelings. Not at any age. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love the babies and children around us dearly and I enjoy spending time with them, but there has never been a moment where I’ve though ‘what if’. I’ve never felt any kind of pull, or that there was anything missing. For me, remaining child free was the right decision and I’ve never regretted it. We make brilliant ‘fun aunty & uncle’ but we’d both rather have a dog than a child.

My friends all either have children, hope to have children at some point in the future or are childless (as opposed to child free). When we’ve talked about it before, none of them ever felt that certainty that I’ve always felt.

I think that, in order to make the right decision for you, you have to ignore a lot of stuff, like providing grandchildren, having someone to look after you in your old age, defying social expectations, being able to spend what you like, on what ever you like, being able to have nice things etc, and think about how it feels if you imagine yourself at 50 without being anyone’s mum?

I always wanted children. I do miss the lack of freedom though. I don't regret my choices at all but I think I could have been equally happy child free...apart from I wouldn't have thought that because I was so keen on children!
I had them older which has the advantage of more time to do my own thing when younger, but grandparents older so not really able to provide much help (10 years ago they would have happily had weekend sleepovers etc which is not possible now).

My husband is also not good on lack of sleep, however there was no need for him to get up at night as I breastfed so he couldn't really do anything useful anyway. There's no need for parents to share every task equally - although I do know people who both wake up every time the baby does! As long as he is happy to take on some other tasks such as shopping, cooking for you and clearing up, all will be well. That sleepless phase only lasts 4-6 months so it's short in the scheme of things.

Thank you for all of your comments :) I think I am leaning towards having them one day, just not right now. And to the posters that said to just enjoy life, travel (when we can) and set ourselves up well, you’re absolutely right. The smartest move for us is to shelve the idea until we are in our early 30s then reassess then. I’m a type A personality so I love planning out what we are going to do with our life, and that’s why being on the fence is pretty hard for me.

Being on the fence is great for ttc cos it takes all the pressure off. It is highly unlikely you'd regret having children if you did and would make a good life if you didn't, so quite a luxurious position to be in really.
If you love your kids, care how they turn out, your dh isn't selfish or lazy, your patience doesn't have the breaking strain of wet lettuce then you will do just fine as a mum cos you have the fundamental essentials and everything else is just winging it.

I was on the fence similarly, I am the youngest person in my large-ish family so had zero idea what children were like, no experience at all, never been around any... I asked every man and his/her dog what being a parent was like and every single one emphasised the awful hard work, sleeplessness, relentless demands etc etc. I was expecting the worst let's say. But no-one, not one person told me how funny it is. Babies and children do need a lot of attention but they are also hilariously silly, the faces they pull, the things they do, the crazy kids logic. I'm not one of those people who like all children but I find my own very amusing. So, obviously it's hard work, but funny and occasionally magical too.

@RealisticSketch

Being on the fence is great for ttc cos it takes all the pressure off. It is highly unlikely you'd regret having children if you did and would make a good life if you didn't, so quite a luxurious position to be in really. If you love your kids, care how they turn out, your dh isn't selfish or lazy, your patience doesn't have the breaking strain of wet lettuce then you will do just fine as a mum cos you have the fundamental essentials and everything else is just winging it.

People do regret having children though - quite a few of them. I'm not looking to influence the OP - I think she's already decided she wants them and is only looking for reassurance, so good luck to her. But it's frustrating to see people who are genuinely undecided told the same old line that 'You won't regret them' when, in fact, you might. There are some very unhappy parents out there - my DM was one of them - and unhappy parents tend to make their kids unhappy.

I'm the same age as you and we have an 18 month old. If we followed our 'life plans' then we'd have waited until now but I was diagnosed with a condition that meant it would be harder for me to get pregnant, so we scrapped that. To me there is never a 100% right time. The puzzle pieces don't always totally fit together and in my experience and you have to be reasonable about finances, lifestyle, plans for the future. You definitely need to look beyond maternity leave.
I would actually have had less money working FT/PT and sending DD to nursery because of how expensive childcare is, than when I was on statutory maternity pay. She didn't settle in to nursery well anyway so I'm now self employed and work around her, my earnings aren't awfully different than if she was at nursery and I worked more. Something to take in to account.

As for having a baby...the baby stage lasts a year, tops. Then you have a toddler. So ask if you want a family rather than a baby. I can hand on heart say she is the greatest thing that had ever happened to us.

It hasn't been totally smooth sailing. DH got the male equivalent of PND when she was born. He really struggles when he isn't sleeping too but he was really anxious about his life changing (which he kept to himself for a long time) and it tipped in to depression. It was a hard few months, we went to marriage counselling and started communicating more clearly. So again something else to reflect on and consider, a newborn will certainly test any relationship. He is an amazing dad and loves our DD to pieces (even though MN all shouted LTB).

My DH definitely would have waited longer if I didn't have concerns about my fertility but now he wouldn't change a thing and wants 3 kids!

*But no-one, not one person told me how funny it is. Babies and children do need a lot of attention but they are also hilariously silly, the faces they pull, the things they do, the crazy kids logic. I'm not one of those people who like all children but I find my own very amusing. So, obviously it's hard work, but funny and occasionally magical too.

This! Everyone says you'll be tired, lifestyle will change, less money....
But nobody talks about how great your kids are. DD is so funny and brings us so much genuine joy.

I ve just always been very maternal and was adamant I wanted two children in my mid to late 20s.
I ve now got a 7 week old and I m 25, after the horrendous treatment in the hospital with us both ending up with sepsis, I know now there's no way I could put myself through having another baby but some people can recover from childbirth very quickly.
This newborn stage is very challenging, we re getting through it with a lot of teamwork and had many conversations of how we wanted to do things as parents beforehand. I think problems come in relationship's when you didn't communicate what you need from each other as parents and instead let resentment build up.

Children take over your whole life, especially while they're young - they are your main thought and topic of conversation, you'll be with them almost constantly, & your house will be overflowing with toys and other paraphernalia. So you have to ready for that and be prepared to say goodbye to your easy and comfortable childfree life. If you're not ready you'll resent it.

I loved the selfish hedonism of my 20s but by 30 I wasn't enjoying it as much and was instead looking forward to the next stage of my life as a mother. My life is unrecognisable now but I'm very happy.

I would say do some groundwork on making things easier if you do decide to TTC.

Get settled in a home you own, build up a cushion of savings and investigate childcare options. Get secure in a job that won’t screw your over if you get pregnant and has good maternity pay and return to work policies.

On the flip side, If you have children now you will be late 40s when they become adults. Not exactly over the hill and plenty of time to go and enjoy life travelling, with hopefully your mortgage paid off and more disposable income.

Having children in your 20s is going to be easier than in your late 30s. Not just conceiving but also having the energy needed to run around after them. If your friends are breeding now then if you do too, you can share the parenting stages together. If you don’t they will naturally gravitate towards spending time with their family and other friends with families too.

All things to consider.