to say no to ex dp who wants to take 2.5 yr old back to his home ttwo and half hours away every other weekend?

[jollyfolly]

basically he wants to take me to court over this..... i am saying absolutely not until ds is at least at school and even then it will only be a long weekend once a month and periods of time in the school hols. EX dp has not lived with us since ds was 8 months and comes to see him (sometimes staying at mine over night..... very separate beds) every other weekend. I s a court going to laugh at me for being incredibly selfish?

Warning: over-generalisation alert!

I think that us Mums get a little obsessive about things like sleep and nappy rash because let's face it, we are the ones who have to deal with the consequences of broken sleep and red bums. We have all learned that the easiest way of dealing with problems is to prevent them occurring in the first place.

Dads are often a bit more laid back because often the Mums take over dealing with the "problems" - even if the Dads would like more responsibility, and I think often they would. How many times have I caught myself pushing dh out of the way with an "Oh FGS let me do it", which is HUGELY unfair to him.

Unfortunately, worries about broken sleep and nappy rash are not justification for keeping a child from their father. And I think really the OP knows it - it's more about her legitimate fear of letting a toddler leave her. I would HATE to let anyone else look after my boys for the w/e.

It must be so hard to do, but you must let him have access. If you don't voluntarily, you will be forced to do so legally.

I was just going to mention this part -

"there are issues regarding safety ie never closing baby gates,leaving gates back/front doors wide open,not bothering to put seat belts on properly,constant nappy rash in fathers care,poor diet,lack of hygiene etc but i guess this will probably make me out as a paranoid mother."

If a child-minder treated our kids like this we would sack them, but daddy being neglectful seems to get a free pass bizarrely.

If you were a baby would you want to be left in the care of someone who didn't feed you properly and let you get nappy rash?

But Elizabtth, you hate ALL men, so you would think that!

What if a couple who live together and the mum goes away for a night or two? No one thinks anything of that

Until the absent parent actually experiences day to day caring (ie over a weekend, regularly) how will they get good/used to it (to caring parents standards) By not doing basic care, in a home environment just gives the carer parent ammo to not let child stay with absent parent

And the child is the one who suffers.

I can't stand my exH, in fact I will say I hate him and wouldn;t cry on his death, but my kids adore him and he adores them. I have to, to be good parent, make sure he gets time to be with OUR children (not mine)

I look ahead, I want my ex to walk my daughters down the aisle, to be able to be at their 21st birthdays together etc

If I made it difficult ad caused more bad feeling that wouldn't happen and the only people to suffer would be my kids

And how does the OP know about doors open, poor diet etc

She has seen it when he visits maybe? She prob does all the shutting behind him (I did when I was married) If she is with him when he feeds poor foods, why not help educate him?? Say son eats A & B and not much of C

A absent parent may not know all the safety needed for a tddler asthey don't live with it. How many mothers/fathers who live with their babies disover safety equipment/more vigilence is needed after soemthinghas happened? (babies rolling off bed for example)

You learn how to parent by doing it, absent parents don't have that luxury for the most part

If I hated all men I wouldn't be saying that I though it was a good idea for him to have a day visit with his father. I also wouldn't hold men to the same standard as women with regards to childcare but rather make excuses for them that we would never allow for other women like our relatives or child-minders.

It's just a different opinion to yours there is really no need to be insulting.

"I also wouldn't hold men to the same standard as women with regards to childcare but rather make excuses for them that we would never allow for other women like our relatives or child-minders."

Is that all men? because my xdp does at damn good job at caring for our ds, as good as any woman

You could start by making it one weekend a month and see how it goes? Then increase to twice a month once you're comfortable?

It's really great that your DS's dad wants to see him and is prepared to drive all that way. Your DS will feel very loved. That's brilliant. So many kids don't have their dads about. Disrupted routine every fortnight isn't really comparable to having a dad who loves you. It's worth it albeit a bit of pain for you.

I know you probably feel like it's just been you and DS on a day to day basis for a long time and if he goes away for the weekend, you'll be worried and stressed about it. But, from what you've said, I don't think there's any real reason to be worried IF you stipulate DS is not to see relative on SO register. THAT is important.

When your boy is grown up, he'll understand how you encouraged his relationship with his dad. And it will only add to his relationship with you.

Also, enjoy planning what you'll do the weekends DS is away. Be frivolous and totally indulge yourself. When do you get the time to do that? Maybe even go on a date?

Sorry for essay!

think i ought to reply and maybe apologise if i over reacted. I am however genuinly concerned for my sons welfare when with his father.... maybe neurosis who knows. I have suggested that ds stay with his father one w/e a month for one night to start with as so many of you have shamed me! his fathers reply was 'my solicitor told me i could have him every w/e if i want so unless you give me what i want that is what i will go to court and ask for'.
I stand by my comments that in a child so young with my sons temperment i truely do not feel it is the right thing but with so many people telling me i am wrong i am not sure what to say.
Just for the record again i have never stopped ex seeing his son and when he does visit i am usually out of the house at work so he does get the opportunity to bath (he never does though) choose meals etc and put ds to bed.
I accept that doing this at my house is not the same as being at his fathers but in everyway possible i have tried to make it work for ds. I am more than aware of how important it is for a child to see their father and again have tried to accomadate this.

he moved away so i sympathise entirely with the op

the dad should be thinking about the child - he will get exhausted doing that commute

i think dad should move nearer or continue to stay near by

unless op needs a weekend off now and then and then im sure it would be ok once in a while

Not an ideal situation but to go and stay with his dad is the preferable option in the circs, sorry.

Not sure he would get him every w/end? Every other w/end and one overnight in the week is quite common though obviously that wouldn't work for you.

Don't be bullied by him or his solicitor. I used to get told 'My solicitor says blah blah'. Tell him to save it for the judge.

You might want to see a solictior yourself, someone EXPERIENCED and sympathetic.

thank you for some positive and kinder comments. i have read and taken in all of them (cried all night infact!). still dont agree with alot of them but i guess all i want to do is protect ds.... it does not feel natural for him to be removed from me at all! even if it is to be with his father.

Ok, glad you've calmed down and feel happier. I do understand your concerns. My ex dh (who is in my house now, reading our ds a bedtime story, having brought him home while dh#2 is upstairs bathing our dd) and I don't necessarily see eye to eye on parenting things - while ds is with him (every other weekedn) he eats more crap than I'd like, watches more tv/plays more Playstation than I'd like/goes to bed later etc etc. But I have always accepted that he is not me and as long as there's no danger to our ds then I just have to accept different ideas of what's ok and what isn't. so to address your points of concern, constructively, I'd say: (my points in caps for ease of readig)

1. 2 1/2 hrs driving in rush hr fri night five minute pick up then 2 1/2 hr drive back. that s 5 hrs almost straight drivibg with my son in the car. MY DH USED TO DO THIS. SO DID I. IT'S NOT IDEAL BUT I THINK YOU HAVE TO LIVE WITH IT. OR COULD YOU CONSIDER TRAIN? THEN THEY COULD READ/PLAY/TALK AND IT MIGHT PUT YOUR MIND AT REST

2. ds will sleep all the way arrive in time to go bed and be manic for next two hrs.... ditto return journey. already crap sleeping pattern totally buggered and nursery mon morning at 7 am!!!! NOT MUCH YOU CAN DO ABOUT THIS BUT NOT THE END OF THE WORLD, WE LIVED WITH IT

3. there is already marked behaviour change in ds following w/e with ex here probably due to change in routine (but i guess you would tell me it is due to his missing his father!) I DO THINK IT UNSETTLES THEM. I DO. BUT IT WILL DO EVEN MORE IF THEY NEVER SEE THE OTHER PARENT. I THINK YOU HAVE TO PROVIDE CALM ROUTINE WHEN HE GETS BACK

4. ex moved away his choice. I HAVE NEVER STOPPED HIM SEEING DS!!!! if he was such a fantastic father he would have stayed in this area and taken responsibility as a father ie choosing schools,picking up from nursery,dealing with illness,sharing the washing,going to perant craft etc etc!! all he wants is 2 days of riotous fun with out the responsibility. HMM. WELL I THINK IT WON'T BE RIOTOUS FUN. AND I THINK YOU CAN STILL INVOLVE HIM IN DECISIONS. MY EX WAS INVOLVED IN SCHOOLS AND OTHER MAJOR DECISIONS, STILL IS

5. there are issues regarding safety ie never closing baby gates, I THINK YOU HAVE TO TELL HIM HOW WORRIED YOU ARE ABOUT THIS, APPEAL TO HIS LOVE OF HIS SON leaving gates back/front doors wide open, DITTO not bothering to put seat belts on properly DITTO,constant nappy rash in fathers care - CAN YOU TELL HIM YOU'RE WORRIEDA BOUT THIS?,poor diet, REALLY DOUBT EVERY OTHER WEEKEND WILL MAKE A HUGE DIFFERENCE BUT COULD YOU MAKE SUGGESTIONS OF HIS FAVOURITE HEALTHY THINGS? lack of hygiene NOT THE END OF THE WORLD, DO YOU MEAN NO BATHS? I THINK THAT'S OK BUT DON'T KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU MEAN HERE etc but i guess this will probably make me out as a paranoid mother.

6. there is a family member on the sex offenders register (abusing older girl... 14) who i dont want ds anywhere near. ex cant see the problem, i want ds to be fully verbal before he stays at his fathers. YOU NEED ASSURANCES FROM YOUR DH THAT YOUR SON WILL NEVER EVER BE LEFT WITH/SPEND ANY TIME WITH THIS PERSON. SURELY YOUR DH WOULDN'T WANT HIM TO BE EITHER?

there is more but you have already judged me so cant see the point. really dont believe you would be quite so black and white if in my postion! I HAVE BEEN IN YOUR POSITION AND I'VE TOLD YOU HOW IT WORKED FOR ME AND MY SON. HE IS NOW 10 AND HAS A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS FATHER AND ALL HIS FATHER'S SIDE OF THE FAMILY, WHO ARE ALL VERY LOVING AND INVOLVED.

i repeat again that i do everything possible to encourage ex to see his son as much as possible. if he lived local it would be different but he choose at age 40 to run home to his mothers because it was the easy option! WELL, SORRY, CAN'T ADVISE ON YOUR EX BEING A TOSSER!

HTH

I still think you should trust your feelings jollyfolly. He's very young to be away from you for a whole weekend every two weeks even if it is with his Dad.

Put it this way if you were unreasonable you'd be saying that he should never go to stay, but you seem to be saying that you'll be happy for him to go for that long when he is a bit older. The fact that your ex is threatening you with solicitors rather than trying to understand your position is also a bad sign. It sounds like he's thinking about his needs rather than the needs of your son.

Jollyfolly, really sorry to hear you cried all night. I'm sure nobody on MN would have wanted or even thought their comments would upset you so.

WickedWaterWitches post is spot on, I think. But you could take it very slowly with your DH as someone else suggested, regardless of what he and his solicitor threaten.

Say, with one weekend a month for say six months to build up trust?

Yes, you are being unreasonable. You should have thought about this sort of thing when you two decided to split up and bugger up your child's life.

That is not very fair.

Now I have to step in as well, Ubergeekian - what a load of crap.

Jollyfolly - you are the Mother - ask for advice, accept peoples opinions and then decide what you are going to do but most importantly trust your instincts.

You sound like a lovely Mother who puts their children first and that is the best type - even though that sometimes means splitting up with the father.

I sympathise with you jolly, I really do. This sort of scenario is exactly why I'm stuck in limbo about my rubbish relationship with DP. It would kill me to not have DD at weekends.

I think though if this does go to court your ex will get alternate weekends so it's maybe best to try and make the best of a bad job.

If you work on the basis that your ex WILL get your son for a certain amount of time then you can start making steps to try resolve all of your worries.

Re nutrition, I'm a bit anal and would send food (I do with my nanny already).

Will DS come back on Sunday night? You could bath him on Friday night and then if he's hyper like you say when he gets home you can bath him again on Sunday. Then it will only be one night that he misses. It will also help calm him down.

Re the safety just remind him. Is he still with his mum? Can you call her? Just repeat, repeat, repeat. Tell him how bad it would look if DS had an accident in his care because he was 'neglectful'.

I would take a zero tolerance stance about the abuser and tell your ex that. Do you have any reason to think that they'd ever be alone together?

Personally it sounds like a control thing..your child is 2 yrs not 2 months he has a father who cares enough to friggin want to see him...be a woman tell him your concerns tactfully and work it out between you he loves his child so he'll listen...Oh and get a life and I don't mean that as an insult but get a hobby ...go out with some friends get pissed or something lmao ...what I mean is enjoy the time with yourself woman! you'll get used to it and your son will appreciate it

It's not control and you haven't buggered up your child's life - it's normal fear and maternal love.

it's Normal fear I agree but the facts are that they are separated and you have to make the best of it imo and if it isn't control why would she care how far away he lived or if he lives with his mum or not?..lol

I have reported Ubergeekian's post as I feel it goes completewly against Mumsnet policy.
Pleae don't be put off by that post Jollyfolly and keep posting for advice.
I haven't any direct experience but just wanted to say you sound like a loving mum who just wants what is best for her son.

Ubergeekian, what kind of help is THAT??

So every couple who goes through the trauma of splitting up is responsible for buggering up their child's life??

i must be a terrible mother then.