to say no to ex dp who wants to take 2.5 yr old back to his home ttwo and half hours away every other weekend?

[jollyfolly]

basically he wants to take me to court over this..... i am saying absolutely not until ds is at least at school and even then it will only be a long weekend once a month and periods of time in the school hols. EX dp has not lived with us since ds was 8 months and comes to see him (sometimes staying at mine over night..... very separate beds) every other weekend. I s a court going to laugh at me for being incredibly selfish?

you can't blame him for moving to be near his mother. you are being unreasonable I'm afraid.

I dont see anyone being making you out to be a sh*it mum, you are obviously very upset about this but you did ask for opinions, you may not like the answers, but people on here do genuinely care and give good advice based on their own experiences

maybe it would be better if he picked your ds up early on a saturday morning then? and if you are concerned about ds routine then have a talk to you ex about trying to stick to his usual routine as much as possible when he is with him, same with saftey issues you have, just talk to him and make him aware of your concerns.

Whether you like it or not, he does have a right and you need to be able to let go and let him be a father, do try to come to a compromise and tell him your concerns so he can work on them, because going to court will not be nice for any of you

You asked for opinions my dear, no point in getting annoyed! I think that every point except 6 is a bit unreasonable. A good relationship with his father is important, do you really want to be asking awkward questions from your son when older about why he didn't get to see his dad as much?
With regards to point 6, I'm sure your ex would agree not to have him near this person if it was what was between him seeing his son or not. If he doesn't agree then yes say take me to court, but only for this rule to be forced upon him. Please do not stop him seeing his father, as much as you may hate him he is the dad.

My ds would travel to his father's and back (1 1/2 hour journey, 2 in rush hour) from the age of 19 months. He would go every third weekend.

He is 14 now, and still in contact with his dad, and still goes over. TBH I found being a single mum to a very small child exhausting and was glad for a bit of a breather.

However I would be worried by sex offender thing

I have two Ds's whose father has never shown any interest in them - since your's seems to be showing an interest, I would adivise that you should let him see him, becuase its the first step in starting a dialogue about how the two of you (together) are going to parent your DS. And I have always taken the viiew that no matter how much of a £@%& my boys dad is, , he is their dad and they need a relationaship with him. But you do have all my sympathy, because I know how hard it is

Point 6 is obviously of huge concern, but if that was what was stopping ex taking his son home would he really still insist that DS was allowed in the company of this person ? If so .... and this goes to court, then you would need to express your concern and it's likely he would be ordered that they are never in each other's company. Do you really think your ex would place DS at risk like that ?

All else, I'm afraid, sounds like sour grapes. Yes, of course it's extremely shitty when you are left in the lurch as a single mum and 99% or more responsibility is left to you. However, that is not DS's fault, and by punishing his father you are also, most importantly, punishing the child. My ex too moved away, had to be nagged into regular contact, there've been various money issues, he's been thoughtless and so on .... but all the while, what I wanted to preserve, as much as possible, was my son's self esteem. I didn't want him (my son) to feel bad because he had a bad dad and therefore did everything I could to encourage contact - even though there were times when his idea of parenting wasn't the same as mine. In the bigger picture, those things really aren't anywhere near as important as a child who feels safe and secure in the knowledge that both parents love them, and that they never have to "choose" between either.

Bedtimes, pick-up times, return times etc can all be negotiated. Ditto safety issues if done in a tactful way. How much better would it be if you approached this with an apparently open mind and told your ex you weren't adverse to the idea but wanted some reassurance from him "I'm probably being silly" about how he'd cope, rather than taking an "over my dead body" approach which is bound to get him on the defensive. I have to say that you saying contact's okay so long as it's local does give the impression that you want to monitor contact and that it can only happen the way you want it to. That attitude's likely to be quite demeaning and offensive for most 40 year olds and if you stick to your guns things could get horribly contentious - with poor DS stuck in the middle of it.

I have to reiterate what everyone else has said since your last post.
If you had been specific in the op then people would have understood your concerns more clearly.
I'm sorry to say that if you don't want to hear the responses then don't post AIBU....Most people have not criticised you or said anything remotely to that effect. Just to look at the whole long term picture. I wish you well with whatever decision you choose.

I'll start by saying that you're not a sh!t mother and understand that you only have your little one's best interests at heart.

What I will say is that my husband has a 11 yo DD who lives 150 miles away (she ran away). We now have a 4 month old and I would be horrified if my stepdaughter's mother was preventing her having a relationship with my husband and her baby sister. I also have no lower lumbar disc left and travelling with a baby is completely out of the question.

It does sound like there is bitterness on both sides and having been divorced myself (thankfully no kids) it's pretty much inevitable - if there was no bitterness you'd still be together. You might not be his partner any more but you can't alter the fact that he's your children's dad and has a life to get on with too. Life's about give and take and you never know when you're going to need a favour from him.

Your points 5 and 6 would really worry me.

Point 2 worries me.

Points 2 and 5 easily resolved by advising on how routine etc. Still not really that bad to stop father seeing child. Just be grateful he wants to be involved, a lot of fathers would quite happily not bother their @rse.

And my LO gets nappy rash quite often what does that make me?

"4) ex moved away his choice. I HAVE NEVER STOPPED HIM SEEING DS!!!!"

until now of course.where you are refusing him what seems to me quite a reasonable custody request.
YABU and i would hope that a court would laugh at your selfishness.

YABVU you know you are, admit it!

i feel as a mum your right to have concerns but your ex seems to really want this and so many ex dp dont take on this responsibility i would hope if i was not with my dp that distance would not stop him taking his responsibility seriously

i thinkm you are just worrying as he wont be close enough for you to keep an eye on him but he deserves the chance to be a dad the court would probably side with him anyway as he is willoing and no real risks pointed out

your ex would not put your ds at any harm i wouldnt imagine he clearly loves him and break in routine will not hurt your ds and this would be a great age for your ex to take that responsibility just let him take him leave a note in overnight bag on preventing nappy rash remind about safety gates but let him be a dad and take these responsibilities

i'm sure if he didnt want to know as he has moved away you'd be unhappy

you are his mum but he is his dad so not fair for us mum's to think we own the child and it all has to be our way make sure he contacts you and i dont see real risks sex affender was young girl not boy and i'm sure he would not leave ds alone with anyone like this anyway he clearly loves his child

I think that children ought to see and be brought up by both their parents.

I understand your concerns about the circumstances that your ex wishes to see your son in and I suspect it would be a very good idea to get a neutral third party (mediator or justice) involved who has your son's interest at heart.

Ive had a quick look through all your points and while 6 is worrying all the others point more towards a difference in parenting styles than anything else tbh and it is possible that the behavioural changes will settle down too as going to his dads may be far more settling in that he is goign to a different place to see his dad and its not disrupting his home routine IYSWIM.
Dp has always travelled by TRAIN or BUS or BIKE (anything between 1 and 3 hours with lots of changes) to pick up and drop of his son over the past 14 years. As a toddler dss regularly did 2 hour journeys across London on Friday/Sunday nights. Not ideal but better than not having a relationship with his dad and he soon got used to the travel and quite often enjoyed it.

And it will also mean that you get a break and some time out to relax.

Dear Jolly

I think you have been given a very hard time on this thread. I have been in the position of sending a two-year old off and I know how hard it is. I had all the concerns you had but my dc did survive!

I think you have a lot of fear. It's not selfishness, it's fear ansd maternal protectiveness, there's nothing wrong with what you are feeling but at the same time it is likely from what you have said that a court would let your son go and so you need to deal with the arrangements for that.

I would suggest writing down all your concerns and then as has been suggested getting a third party, maybe a mediator, to help the two of you resolve them. You would find that you get more say in how things are that way than if it goes to court and a contact arrangement is imposed on you.

I also think that if your ex spends more time with your son he might be more involved in the day-to-day responsibilities generally. Who's to say he won't move nearer once he experiences the reality of all that driving? Remember, things always change often in ways we don't imagine.

I hope you feel better today.

If your ex is living with his mum does that not relieve you of some of the worries? It sounds as though he is aware of the sex offender and surely he won't place his child in danger? It is horrible to feel that you are not in control of your child though but maybe in the long run your child will thank you. It is so easy for chn to lose contact with dads, don't let it happen if you can help it.

Jolly, i am in a similar situation but my dd is 5. She is at her dads 150 miles away for half term and he has her at least one weekend out of 4. I hate it. He does not follow any of my routines that I have spent years developing, he does not even show her a vegetable. She admits that she gets to whatever she wants at daddys house and all she has to do is cry - she would never behave like this around me or anyone else! He spoils her and she always comes back a different person. I hate it, hate it, hate it. I asked her what she has been doing at dads and she said she gets to stay up until 1am and watch telly all day whilst playing with her Bratz. It infuriates me why he does not take her out and spend some time with her if he is so bothered about seeing her. I have spoken to him so many times about my concerns about her diet, routines etc etc but it is impossible - he tells her not to tell mummy! (but she still does). I don't think you are being unreasonable to not want to let him see ds butu you are gonna hev to figure out how you can make it work for your family and get the balance right.

He is the boy's father, what are your concerns? As long as he is capable, non-violent and has somewhere for his ds to sleep i don't see the problem.

How will you feel in 3 years time when your ds ask's why he does'nt see his daddy?

Also think what your ex must be feeling, he has a right to see his son, if someone told me i could'nt see my child i would be devistated.

But for those of you who are still with the fathers of your children can you imagine yourself in that position and understand how difficult it is.

Obviously this situation is far from ideal for anyone, mother, father or child. And we would all feel sorry for the father imagining ourselves in that position with our kids not living with us but as a mother you have to consider what is best for the child and question every decision

and some people want to use their hild to get back at the parent

We have a saying here, different parents, different parenting... that goes for friends who get to do whatever they want and mine can't but it also covers life at dads

He is also a parent and can do things his way. they soon get used to it

A man who makes the effort is imo a parent worth keeping in the loop, however different your parenting style is

Your son needs a father and spend time alone with each other.

I do feel for you, I really do, and totally understand your concern that your baby will be away from you every other weekend ...

But your son is his father's baby too. He's NOT just yours, although when they are young it does feel like that to us mothers. You don't have the right to deny access on the basis that you will miss him - and you WILL miss him, and that's understandable.

Parenting is never easy in split family situations, I'm sure you will do your very best though to enable your son to see his other parent

Empen ..... many of us who have replied to the OP are ourselves (or have been - in my case, 9 years as a single mum) in her position. We too have had to face up to and accept that our ex's idea of parenting may be quite different to ours, but at the end of the day, above everything else and except in extreme cases (violence, drugs etc) what's best for the child is being able to sustain a relationship with the parent they no longer live with .....

.... this overrides concerns about bedtimes etc., however annoying that might be and believe me I speak from experience. My ex perpetually let our son stay up later than I would have wished but hey, it was 2 nights out of 14, he got through it and I'd far rather that than my son having an awkward or non-existent relationship with his dad.

What put it into perspective for me - and what all other single mums should remind themselves of when having a 'he's a crap dad' moment is that the man in question wasn't considered crap when I/they decided to fall pregnant with their child.

Does anybody have any idea about the effects on a child by separation from their primary carer at such a young age? I'm surprised everybody here is so happy to hear about such a small child being separated from his mother like this.

A whole weekend away seems like a long time to me. I'd have thought a day visit with him coming home to sleep in his own bed would be more appropriate.