Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say no to ex dp who wants to take 2.5 yr old back to his home ttwo and half hours away every other weekend?

77 replies

jollyfolly · 24/10/2007 20:00

basically he wants to take me to court over this..... i am saying absolutely not until ds is at least at school and even then it will only be a long weekend once a month and periods of time in the school hols. EX dp has not lived with us since ds was 8 months and comes to see him (sometimes staying at mine over night..... very separate beds) every other weekend. I s a court going to laugh at me for being incredibly selfish?

OP posts:
screamsprout · 24/10/2007 20:02

What are your main concerns about this?

Screaminglips · 24/10/2007 20:02

well he has got his own rights as hes the Father. So yes the court will prob laugh at you im afraid

Screaminglips · 24/10/2007 20:03

or unless youve got a real reason

kd73 · 24/10/2007 20:03

How come he lives so far away? Did someone move?

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 20:04

He's his father. He has every right in the world, whether you like it or not.

A child needs his father; again, whether you like it or not.

Lorayn · 24/10/2007 20:06

Unless you can prove the child is not going to be properly looked after, then yes, the court will laugh at you.
Sorry to say, but a father has every right to see his child until he fucks up in some way at which time said rights are restricted.

ThisIsSabrinaPleaseDoNotScare · 24/10/2007 20:08

Perhaps you need to give us a little more information..... Was there a history of violence? Are you concerened about your childs welfare?

If not, then yes - you are being incredibly selfish. That man is your childs father and you should be doing everything possible to ensure that your son continues to have a solid relationship with him.

I can't even begin to describe how I would feel if I only had access to my children on alternate weekends - it would be break my heart.

chocchipcookie · 24/10/2007 20:09

Can you tell us a bit more about what your specific concerns are.

I don't think it's accurate to say as ED does below that a parent has 'every right in the world'. The court will put the welfare of the child first - not the rights of either parent - which does include looking at the practicality/safety of contact arrangements.

However, there is a strong argument for your DS experiencing a normal home environment with his father. I have been through this so know how stressful it is - what are your fears here?

Papillon · 24/10/2007 20:10

How wonderful that he wants to participate in the upbringing of his child, that he would drive all that way. He must love him very much.

ScottishMummy · 24/10/2007 20:12

jollyfolly - im sure this is very distressing for you, i of course dont know your personal circumstances, but realistically it would be beneficial to try negotiate and allow reasonable access dad and son. as painful or annoying as it is to see ex partner, he is the daddy. please try to negotiate, court will need to see a reasonableness by both parties a willingness to negotiate visitation and contact

whilst you may not relish this - it is important to develop and maintain the son - father relationship

onescarymummy · 24/10/2007 20:15

Oh lots & lots of underlying issues here. Does dp have a new partner that will somehow displace you as mummy? As you resentful that you had to cope without him for months & now baby's older he wants to parent? I'm not going on because is too depressing

Make sure you're putting your child's needs first & not acting from revenge!

Elasticwoman · 24/10/2007 20:16

I knew a couple who split when 2nd child was 3 months old. By the age of 6 months, this baby was spending every other weekend with the father and girlfriend.

If I had been that baby's mother it would have been over my dead body! Other Woman (of the scarlet variety) feeding and changing my baby??!!

But the baby's mother went along with this, and subsequently said she was glad she had, because the baby and father developed a good relationship.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 20:19

It isn't accurate for me to suggest that a parent has every right in the world?

How very odd.

meemar · 24/10/2007 20:22

It isn't accurate ED. Legal access to children is all about the best interests of the child, not the right of the parents.

tori32 · 24/10/2007 20:27

I can see why you wouldn't want a small child to have to spend all that time in a car and being disrupted every other weekend. So sympathy on that score. However, I don't think your son in the long term will be harmed if there is no violence etc. I think your ex must love him to be prepared to do the drive every other weekend and must miss him terribly. He is the product of both of you and will be damaged if you treat him like a pawn in a game. If he knows who his dad is and you both can agree on basic parenting methods, there is no reason why he should not have access. If your ds doesn't know your ex as dad then that is a different matter. Then it would be tantamount to sending him of with a stranger every other week, thus breeding insecurities.

As others have said, more info needed.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 20:34

Yes, indeed. But since the OP hasn't yet returned to this thread to inform us that ex is a feckless idiot with a record of violence, I can only assume that he's a perfectly normal bloke who wants to see his kid.

In which case, he has every right in the world.
Whether he has granted that right is quite another matter.

ScottishMummy · 24/10/2007 20:43

in the absence of information to the contrary from OP, we are left to assume there is no safety concerns or abuse/violence issues

LittleMissNervoustWitch · 24/10/2007 20:49

if your ex has been coming to see your ds every other weekend since he was 8 months then he has already proved he is a caring loving father who genuinely loves his child, and is prepared to make the effort to be a part of his life.
unless there is some other reason for your concern (i.e. he is abusive or violent) then there is no reason why you couldnt let your ex dp take him for the weekend, unfortunately he does have a right to and im afraid a court would allow this, i understand it is very hard to let go of your lo, i have a 15 mth old ds and he stays with his daddy for one night every weekend (he live 30 mins away) and for one full weekend out of 4, and i miss him terribly when he is not with me but try to make the most of my time to myself.
Why not try and come to a comprise and maybe, if he lets you, go with them for the first time he stays (if you sleep in seperate beds at your house, then maybe he wont mind you doing it at his place) then you can put your mind at rest that he will be fine the next time your ex takes him alone?

HonoriaGlossop · 24/10/2007 20:54

YABU - assuming, as others have said, that there are no issues that would mean your child could actually suffer in some way.

It is right and healthy that a child should be able to have a life in both parent's homes, if they're separated.

Original poster
jollyfolly · 24/10/2007 21:03

ok... first of all when i post replies on here my main concern is to be honest but protect someones feelings at the same time, thanks to eveyone that has left me feeling lke a sh@t mother tonight.
my problems with ex taking ds are

  1. 2 1/2 hrs driving in rush hr fri night five minute pick up then 2 1/2 hr drive back. that s 5 hrs almost straight drivibg with my son in the car.
  2. ds will sleep all the way arrive in time to go bed and be manic for next two hrs.... ditto return journey. already crap sleeping pattern totally buggered and nursery mon morning at 7 am!!!!
  3. there is already marked behaviour change in ds following w/e with ex here probably due to change in routine (but i guess you would tell me it is due to his missing his father!)
  4. ex moved away his choice. I HAVE NEVER STOPPED HIM SEEING DS!!!! if he was such a fantastic father he would have stayed in this area and taken responsibility as a father ie choosing schools,picking up from nursery,dealing with illness,sharing the washing,going to perant craft etc etc!! all he wants is 2 days of riotous fun with out the responsibility.
  5. there are issues regarding safety ie never closing baby gates,leaving gates back/front doors wide open,not bothering to put seat belts on properly,constant nappy rash in fathers care,poor diet,lack of hygiene etc but i guess this will probably make me out as a paranoid mother.
  6. there is a family member on the sex offenders register (abusing older girl... 14) who i dont want ds anywhere near. ex cant see the problem, i want ds to be fully verbal before he stays at his fathers. there is more but you have already judged me so cant see the point. really dont believe you would be quite so black and white if in my postion! i repeat again that i do everything possible to encourage ex to see his son as much as possible. if he lived local it would be different but he choose at age 40 to run home to his mothers because it was the easy option!
OP posts:
catsmother · 24/10/2007 21:06

Echoing everyone else, providing there are no other issues you haven't told us about, then YABU.

Children from a broken home are entitled to a relationship with both of their parents, in each respective parent's normal home environment. If your ex is driving 2.5 hrs EOW he is obviously having to stay in what would be an artificial environment for him - be it the spare room at yours, a friend's house, a hotel or whatever. That kind of arrangement doesn't allow him to do "normal" things with his child, like sitting down to a family meal, tucking his child up in bed and so on.

If the ex only sees his son at yours then he's immediately placed in a "visitor" position, however welcoming and accommodating you are. Given you are separated - and I'm not saying you necessarily do this - he may also feel that you are keeping watch on him if he has to see his son in your home, and he can't relax and/or behave as naturally as he would were he at home.

I think a court is very likely to grant a contact order based on EOW contact, as he's proven he wants to see his son. Surely it would be better to avoid going to court in the 1st place and agree without any legal action / arguments / bitterness ? Speaking as an ex-single mum, I found EOW free to myself something to look forward to - irrespective of how much I missed my son when he was away.

TheEvilDediderata · 24/10/2007 21:07

Bloody hell, jolly.

You started an AIBU thread. That positively invites a reaction.

You should have put all this information in your OP. If you had done so, some of the responses may have been different.

Do what you want. I'm sitting on my hands, which is always a good time to leave a thread.

ScottishMummy · 24/10/2007 21:10

jollyfolly- with all due respect i do not see any one being unkind/judgmental to you, or making u feel like a shit mum. certainly you may not agree with the answers (that is of course your perogative)

i certainly did not mean to make u feel that.

WideWebWitch · 24/10/2007 21:14

I split up with my husband when our son was 2. From the age of 2.5 ds went to his father's, 3 or more hours away, every other weekend. I thought it was important. I still do. Now ds is 10 and still sees his father every other weekend although exdh is now only an hour away.

I don't know why you'd deny him this unless there's a history of something you haven't told us. Started typing this about an hour ago so appreciate the thread may have moved on since (1 fight about getting into pyjamas, dishwasher unloaded and reloaded, cuddled children in bed, you get the idea!)

WideWebWitch · 24/10/2007 21:15

Blimey, just read your newer post.
Fine, do wht you want but if you ask for views you'll get them.

You know, if you voiced your concerns differently then you might get some good advice about how to handle them.

Swipe left for the next trending thread