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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect a phone call on Christmas?

33 replies

Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 06:07

I live overseas from my family and have done for some time. This year was the first year I didn’t have my two children due to separating from my cheating XH. Obviously it was a difficult day.

I sent all my family gifts - presents for the kids, gift vouchers for the adults for an experience for them all.

I sent a message to my mum last Xmas Eve / early morning there to say I’d emailed the vouchers to her and could she forward them on. Got a merry Christmas text. My brother’s partner messaged me a couple of days before to thank me for the gift for her daughter and to tell me what she was getting my children for Christmas. I responded on Christmas Day to say thanks and to wish her a merry Xmas.

I didn’t hear a peep from any of them on Christmas Day. My mum responded to a text when I asked if she had given everyone the gifts. Normally I call them on Christmas Day but I was really upset in the morning and it took me awhile to compose myself to give my children a call and wish them a happy Christmas.

AIBU to expect them to call me? I thought even if my brothers didn’t, then at least my Mum would have bothered? I’ve now caused a row because I called them out on it, which was silly really but I felt so hurt.

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 28/12/2020 06:47

Yes I probably would have expected a phonecall but to be honest my family probably wouldn't be bother and I would be the worst in the world.

Palavah · 28/12/2020 06:54

I would have been a bit miffed. What did they say when you called them out?

Newjobnewstart · 28/12/2020 06:58

Phine calls work both ways, maybe they are miffed at you for not calling? Tbh on christmas day i am too busy to phone anyone and presume most people are the same. I wouldnt tale it to heart.

Orchidflower1 · 28/12/2020 06:59

Yes I would expect a call. From my mum at least. Sorry you’re having a rough time.

maxineputyourredshoeson · 28/12/2020 07:01

I can see both sides of this tbh. My dad lives abroad and previously I’ve been upset that he hasn’t phoned/FaceTimed etc me on Christmas Day but as a PP said, phones do work both ways and I could, and have just phoned him.

Also if you normally ring your mum probably assumed that you would do so again this year.

I really don’t think it’s worth falling out over.

lughnasadh · 28/12/2020 07:06

You could have phoned them.

And you could have emailed the vouchers yourself instead of making your mother do it.

You put the distance there, no one is going to take time out on Christmas Day to phone someone who communicates through a third party.

And your mother probably feels like your administrator, especially as you chased her up to make sure she'd sent them.

TW2013 · 28/12/2020 07:06

I think that phones work both ways, they were probably busy making the most of a fairly poor Christmas situation here. Another time maybe set a time to ring. They can't read your mind. Your brother's partner might have thought you were busy if it took a few days for you to reply. It is what I would have thought.

BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2020 07:09

YABU.

I can see why you want them to do some of the leg work, and if they never call you or you do all the running then that's something to be upset about. But them missing the cue on one occasion when you hadn't arranged anything and they were probably otherwise engaged in things is kind of setting yourself up for disappointment. It really doesn't mean they don't care, just that they have lives that don't revolve around you. Their lives aren't supposed to revolve around you. It isn't a joint partnership where they are equally responsible for you not feeling miserable. If you need something specific, ask for it.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 07:16

The only reason I got my Mum to print the vouchers is because they don’t normally use email and I don’t have any current ones for them. I didn’t get the vouchers in time to post.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 07:19

I did message my other brother to say that I had sent gifts for his kids and to let me know if they made it ok. I didn’t get a response.
Not to drip feed but I didn’t have any home phone or internet as our line went down on Christmas Eve, so didn’t have a huge amount of data.

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Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 07:23

When I called them out it was my fault for not phoning them. Only my brothers wife responded. The rest stayed silent. That brother and his wife had not phoned my other brother and his partner as they were busy with her family. My parents were with them also.

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2020 07:28

Not to drip feed but I didn’t have any home phone or internet as our line went down on Christmas Eve, so didn’t have a huge amount of data.

I don't see how that's relevant. It's not as though the people who you think should have behaved differently would have known about this, is it? So it's not something to take into account when considering whether they were being awful not calling you.

Persephoned · 28/12/2020 07:30

I’m sorry you’ve had a tough Christmas but I think you’re being a bit unreasonable if you don’t normally speak on Christmas Day - they were probably busy and assumed you were. I think I’m your shoes I’d have either suggested it when chatting to them beforehand - ‘it would be great to speak on Christmas Day, it’ll be weird on my own this year - when’s a good time?’ or just given them a call.

It is though v rude of your brother not to respond to your message.

Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 07:41

We do normally speak but I normally phone as they are pretty bad with tech and they never have international calls on their mobiles. Last year I was in the country with them.

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Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 07:42

I guess the only reason the no phone line is relevant as I only had my phone for data to make a video call and not much data at that.

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BoomBoomsCousin · 28/12/2020 07:51

@Mum45678

I guess the only reason the no phone line is relevant as I only had my phone for data to make a video call and not much data at that.
That's only relevant to how long a video call could have been with them, whoever initiated it, not remotely relevant to whether they should have called you on Christmas day for the first time ever without having discussed it in advance and even though they are used to you calling them and aren't sure how to call you cheaply.

You are upset about a Christmas without your kids. That's understandable. Don't take it out on your extended family.

MindyStClaire · 28/12/2020 08:09

Do they usually spend Christmas together but were apart because of covid? My WhatsApp is usually buzzing on Christmas Day with lots of messages on group chats with friends. This year there wasn't a single one until one thread briefly came to life in the evening, all the others were quiet. I think we were all just messaging the family we'd usually be spending the day with. It was a weird one this year, don't take it to heart.

AppleJane · 28/12/2020 08:14

You were going to have a difficult Christmas this year. They should have made an extra effort to make sure you was okay. It always takes an event like this to realise which people in your life truly care

Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 08:24

They do normally spend it together for at least part of the day. They are in a part of the world which hasn’t been badly affected by Covid so aren’t restricted at all.

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Oreservoir · 28/12/2020 08:27

Tbh my dm and siblings usually call on Christmas Day and this year I asked them not to.
We had one day only with my dgs and I didn’t want to spend it on the phone.
I rang everyone on Boxing Day instead.

AppleJane · 28/12/2020 08:28

I used to make excuses for family members constantly forgetting birthdays etc. Finally something big happens in your life that no ordinary family member would ignore and not contact you about. Give yourself permission to go low contact if you need to. This was your first Christmas without your children. It definitely deserved an effort from them.

FippertyGibbett · 28/12/2020 08:29

They were probably just busy with the day. You weren’t so could have called.

AppleJane · 28/12/2020 08:31

@FippertyGibbett

They were probably just busy with the day. You weren’t so could have called.
You're missing the point. Yes on an ordinary Christmas but let's say someone had lost their husband and this was their first Christmas alone. Would you say the same?
Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 08:39

I slept late and then was quite upset when I woke up. I pulled myself together, phoned my kids and then spent the day with my boyfriend’s sibling / her partner and their child. I thought if they were busy on the day they might have sent a message or something but they didn’t. None of them messaged or phoned Boxing Day or the day after that. I hadn’t posted on social media. I thought perhaps one of them might check in. My Mum had forgotten that I didn’t have the kids this year, even though I had posted photos of our early fake Christmas. Even though I had told her I was really upset when I dropped them off to my XH.

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Original poster
Mum45678 · 28/12/2020 08:40

Our original plans were to spend it away but that was cancelled due to Covid.

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