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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset for my sister (upsetting subject re death)

52 replies

Gouldengirl9 · 27/12/2020 15:28

A few weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer its in the early stages so we are quietly confident that she will be OK.

Speaking to her today on the phone she mentioned that she had received a invite via Facebook to join a site 'how to live when you are dying'
aibu to think that that is insensitive when she hasn't even started her treatment yet.

This was sent from a friend of a friend so she is now upset that people are talking about her.

Why would you do that.

OP posts:
hardboiledeggs · 27/12/2020 15:30

That is terrible! I would be angry about that as well to be honest.

mrshonda · 27/12/2020 15:38

Insensitive. She doesn't need negativity, but positive support. Love to you and to her x

PhatPhanny · 27/12/2020 15:40

Oh wow, who would do that!

Original poster
Gouldengirl9 · 27/12/2020 15:41

I want to say something to these people. She is only friends with these people on Facebook. Has met them a few years ago at her friends house.

OP posts:
Minky37 · 27/12/2020 15:43

It’s terrible and massively presumptive. That would only be suitable for someone who is terminal surely?? A close family member has just died of cancer and I know how hard all the docs / medics work to help them keep positive even in stage 4. Do your sister a favour and tell the person to back right off.

FrankskinnerscRoc · 27/12/2020 15:50

OP, many people believe that cancer is a death sentence. When my hair fell out after chemo people would insist that I went first in the queue. I was shocked to begin with, but once I’d got over this I rather enjoyed the privilege of being marched to the front of the queue.

Dontbeme · 27/12/2020 15:52

Send them an invite to "how to live when someone has torn you a new arsehole". How awful for your sister to be sent that. Best wishes to your sister and your family OP, I hope all goes well for you all.

MatildaTheCat · 27/12/2020 15:55

There are some people who think they ‘own’ breast cancer - IME it’s always bc. They know it ALL and their way, opinions and experiences are shoved down the throats of any poor individual they can get their hands on.

Tell your DSis to block them, look after herself and turn to a health professional for medical advice. If she needs a circle of support for cancer related stuff she will find her own people.

Best wishes to her.

michelle1504 · 27/12/2020 16:01

I would honestly rip these people a new one if they sent that to my sibling.

Poppingnostopping · 27/12/2020 16:25

I don't even think that's appropriate to send to people who ARE dying! It's up to them to seek out groups on FB that correspond with how they feel. Plus as so many of you have said, breast cancer is survivable a lot of the time now, so it's inaccurate as well as inappropriate. I hate people like this!

julybaby32 · 27/12/2020 16:28

Has she said how she would like you to react to these people? Would she like you to speak to the friend about it, or the friend of the friend? Could you contact the organisers of this site and let them know that their site is being used in this patronising and belittling way? or is this thread a way of doing that already?

Thehop · 27/12/2020 16:30

She needs to block them and keep her circle small whilst she completes her treatment.

julybaby32 · 27/12/2020 16:33

Sadly some people take it upon themselves to tell even those people who are dying how they should feel. Strangely, they feel entitled to do this without themselves being dead. I suppose we should not be surprised that their arrogance extends to the living-and-likely-to- remain-so- in-the-foreseeable-future as well.

MsTSwift · 27/12/2020 16:34

Awful. We met with a relative on 23rd who last year got a terminal diagnosis mid 50s. Incredibly her treatment worked incredibly well - beyond all expectations. She is now cancer free

devildeepbluesea · 27/12/2020 16:36

I would be fucking furious and let her know in no uncertain terms.

Sending best wishes for your sister.

weebarra · 27/12/2020 16:39

I was diagnosed with stage 3 triple negative breast cancer 7 years ago. I had less than a 70% chance of making it past 5 year survival. (Many types of bc are greater than 90% now).
I'm still here and cancer free.
I would be contacting those people and telling them to fuck off to the far side of fuck.
Even my friends with stage 4 are living their lives.

purplecorkheart · 27/12/2020 16:40

I would beyond furious on your sister's behalf.

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 16:45

Wow that would really upset me too.

So inappropriate.

purplecorkheart · 27/12/2020 16:51

Sorry I would be, actually I am beyond furious on both you and your sister's behalf.

LaLaLandIsNoFun · 27/12/2020 16:59

I’m about as subtle as a house brick:

That is really really inappropriate. Your poor sister

Bluetrews25 · 27/12/2020 17:05

When my DDad had bowel cancer, one of the curates at the church he was quite involved with gave him a booklet. 'Hope in times of despair'.
Gee, thanks.

loulouljh · 27/12/2020 17:05

Flippin eck. How awful. And what a big leap from having something treatable to being treated as if she is dying..what was the person thinking.

Babyroobs · 27/12/2020 17:17

That is awful, I would be having words with whoever sent it. Breast cancer is the most treatable type of cancer, even if it has metastasized people can live for years .

Calmandmeasured1 · 27/12/2020 17:22

Some people automatically assume that if you are diagnosed with cancer, you are going to die. They are obviously, misguidedly, trying to be helpful (and failing badly).

As you said your sister only "mentioned" it, it doesn't sound as if she has been severely impacted by it. She knows she has an early stage cancer so won't be needing that info.

I would ask my sister if she plans to respond to the sender. She probably doesn't need you to do anything about it. She has early stage BC. She hasn't lost her ability to speak or type.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2020 17:24

Is it not just one of these automated FB things that pop up when you've been googling certain sites? I kept getting invites from FB friends to play Farmville or join Marks and Spencer etc. I'm pretty sure the people these appeared to be from did not actually actively "invite" me to do these things. One was from a relative for a gambling site. I think it was a FB algorithm. The gambling one got me worried as it seemed to come from a relative who I knew had had issues previously with online gambling.