Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So upset for my sister (upsetting subject re death)

52 replies

Gouldengirl9 · 27/12/2020 15:28

A few weeks ago my sister was diagnosed with breast cancer its in the early stages so we are quietly confident that she will be OK.

Speaking to her today on the phone she mentioned that she had received a invite via Facebook to join a site 'how to live when you are dying'
aibu to think that that is insensitive when she hasn't even started her treatment yet.

This was sent from a friend of a friend so she is now upset that people are talking about her.

Why would you do that.

OP posts:
MispyM · 27/12/2020 17:25

That's horrible.

Best wishes to your sister.

julybaby32 · 27/12/2020 17:29

I'm not implying that that OPs sister is anything less than perfectly competent, only that it might be better from the sister's point of view if OP checks it out with the sister before she replies on sisters behalf and tells the friend and the friend of the friend to go to hell, or whatever, as advocated by some other posters.

Thedogscollar · 27/12/2020 17:31

Jesus wept. Insensitive doesn't even begin to cover it.
Some people are truly devoid of thinking things through. And why would you send that anyone never mind a friend of a friendShock

Hollywolly1 · 27/12/2020 17:57

How absolutely disgusting of whoever sent your sister that.Best wishes to your sister for a full recovery

butterpuffed · 27/12/2020 18:01

If I were you, I would get in touch with whoever posted that insensitive information. I was diagnosed with Breast cancer five years ago and would've been very upset if I'd seen that because when you've just been told, you don't always have the mental strength to deal with things like that yourself.

poppingpotatoes · 27/12/2020 18:03

Why would you do that? Well somebody who is either a dick or hard of thinking. I'd be blocking them.

OhDearMuriel · 27/12/2020 18:06

A very similar thing happened to a friend of mine on more than one occasion and in person.
Shocking how people can be so stupid and imbecilic.
It really upset my friend and it came from supposedly 'intelligent' people that really should have known better.

GrapeLipBalm · 27/12/2020 18:08

That's awful

cautiouscovidity · 27/12/2020 18:13

It was terribly insensitive. Even if she did have a terminal diagnosis, it would be a bit insensitive.
Hopefully it was meant as a kind gesture that was just very poorly executed. Perhaps the contact knew someone who had found the group helpful during their own breast cancer journey and was just trying to share knowledge?

ArsenicNLace · 27/12/2020 18:16

That is so insensitive.

I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago. I deliberately never considered the possibility of death. I focussed very much only all the the things I was going to do once I got through the treatment.

However I was upset as I was coming to the end of my treatment to received a letter from Macmillan asking me to consider a donation to them in my will. It did really knock me.

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 27/12/2020 18:19

Even my friends with stage 4 are living their lives.

One of my sisters were diagnosed straight from the outset with Stage 4 and she's doing remarkably well after a dismal prognosis and a few setbacks.

Particularly at the start she wouldn't have reacted well to this from even well-meaning strangers. I'll never understand why some people feel it's appropriate for them to enforce their own beliefs on others in this way - particularly in such circumstances.

InFiveMins · 27/12/2020 18:22

That's awful and so insensitive.

I hope she blocks these 'friends' of hers. Leave it for her to address, but let her know she can talk to you about it.

Fluffymule · 27/12/2020 18:26

@ArsenicNLace

That is so insensitive.

I was diagnosed with cancer 6 years ago. I deliberately never considered the possibility of death. I focussed very much only all the the things I was going to do once I got through the treatment.

However I was upset as I was coming to the end of my treatment to received a letter from Macmillan asking me to consider a donation to them in my will. It did really knock me.

Macmillan did a similar thing to me whilst I was going through my Chemo treatment.

I had rung them with a query about finances, which they were not able to advise me on anyway. They then contacted me repeatedly afterwards regarding making a will. It was pretty upsetting.

OP, I'm sorry to hear about your Sister. I hope she can ignore this and focus on her treatment and recovery.

TonMoulin · 27/12/2020 18:29

1- she needs to stay clear of SM re the cancer

2- it’s amazing that it was caught in the early stages. And the invite isn’t relevant to her.
However, many people ARE getting a death sentence with their cancer diagnosis, often living for years whilst knowing they won’t get better (my dad is one). These people might well benefit from the invite.

Whoever sent it probably had the best intentions. But if your dsis doesn’t want people to talk about. Her and her diagnosis, she needs to keep that private.

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 18:33

What? The onus is on her to speak honestly about her cancer because for some people it is a death sentence?? That's a strange way of looking at it.

Tal45 · 27/12/2020 18:33

This is not appropriate to send to anyone, ever IMO.
A lot of charities seem to be far more interested in making money than anything else these days, it's sad that charities have become big business, basically they are businesses funded by donations some with CEOs paid over £100,000. I am very careful about who I donate to and how they are going to use my details.

SnowyOwlWan · 27/12/2020 18:34

Or rather the onus should not be on her to keep her cancer private i mean

SingleWontMingle · 27/12/2020 18:41

I'd be absolutely furious. This is why I keep my inner circle small.

My family would turn this into a joke so as not to be angry at it. We get through dark times with dark humour (both parents have had cancer).

TonMoulin · 27/12/2020 18:43

No @SnowyOwlWan,

If you don’t want people to talk about you and your illness, receive unsolicited advice etcc... you don’t advertise said illness on FB for the world to see.

Hoping that people will say just the right thing, not barge through boundaries etc.. is naive. Esp when you have people that aren’t friends on your ‘friends list’.
Yes you would hope that people knew better etc... yes some people use FB for support and appreciate the ‘thinking of you/be strong/all the best’ comments.
But you can’t deny it’s also opening the door to less desirable comments.

Daleksatemyshed · 27/12/2020 18:45

Whoever sent this to your DS needs a good slap up the head, incredibly ill judged. All good wishes to your DS

museumum · 27/12/2020 18:46

That is very insensitive. But if it was Fi Munro “live like you are dying” I imagine it was well meant (though badly done). Fi was an amazing positive kind speaker and writer who lived with stage 4 breast cancer fir years before passing away. Her writing is really nurturing and supportive.

TheFormidableMrsC · 27/12/2020 19:08

I am a current breast cancer patient, fortunately it was contained with no spread and I am nearing the end of my treatment. I have never once allowed it to cross my mind I might die. It hasn't figured in my future plans at all. Nobody has at any point told me anything other than it's curative and that's all I needed to hear.

On this basis, I have declined invites to support groups (FB or otherwise) with the exception of a small group of "breasties" I know in a private messaging chat. We rarely ever actually talk about BC apart from having the odd moan about surgery recovery pains or radiotherapy side effects. I don't need anything more than that or indeed any negativity. I've lost count of the amount of people who have blurted out about so and so dying from the same disease (not engaging brain before mouth largely).

I wish your sister a speedy recovery! Flowers

Fieldofyellowflowers · 27/12/2020 19:13

That is awful.

But; if it was a friend of a friend that sent the invite, maybe there was a miscommunication? Maybe they believed that the diagnosis was terminal?

Either way, it was a bad move on the part of whoever sent it.

Kaliorphic · 27/12/2020 19:28

Whoever sent it probably had the best intentions. But if your dsis doesn’t want people to talk about. Her and her diagnosis, she needs to keep that private.

No she doesn't. People need to learn to conduct themselves in an appropriate manner. Sending someone something like that is not welcome or appropriate.

caringcarer · 27/12/2020 20:32

They are not her friends. Could you email them privately and tell them to leave your sister alone she needs positive support not these horrible people dragging her down. That type of site is for terminal illness people and only then if they choose to join.