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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not allow my abusive ex partners mum see daughter ?

32 replies

Overprotectivemamabear · 27/12/2020 13:34

Hi, my daughters father is very abusive and broke into my house and assaulted me in a jealous rage (I’m not with him and There’s a restraining order I have against him. He’s been making fake profiles on social media to tell me he’s came to my house and heard a male voice in my house whilst he was stood outside and told me I am going to pay for having a guy round . I’ve told the police about this and made a police report but they’ve done nothing ) 2 weeks after I made the police report I heard loud banging at my front door, i assumed it was my mum as she Came round earlier on and took my daughter out with her to go shopping but my gut instinct made me Stop and look through the peep hole. Standing there was my daughters dad, I refused to let him in and called the police straight away, they assured me they was on the way! The operator wanted to stay on the phone to me until police attended my address, It was quiet for a bit I thought he left but next thing I know my front room window is being smashed in! Long story short he managed to get in and assaulted me. When he heard the police sirens that’s when He stopped assaulting me and ran out the house, luckily they caught him as he was running off! He was arrested, held in custody until cps made a decision and was sent straight to prison and has been remanded until there is a court date. this was just before Christmas and his mother has been calling me non stop telling me what I did to make him react this way, she then told me he wanted to see his daughter that’s why he behaved in that way (I have a restraining order against him so if he wanted to see her he could have went through social) and that he wanted to spend Christmas with her. She then was annoyed that he was going to be in prison for Christmas, I hanged up the phone on her as I was frustrated by her she was basically sticking up for his behaviour and making excuses ! She then sent a text and said I shouldn’t hang up on her because it’s not her fault her son assaulted me and that when me and her son was laying down having sex she wasn’t there! Totally disgusting for her to say that. Also If her son really wanted to see out daughter he would have done it the right way, I was assaulted because he was jealous and thought I was seeing someone ! His mother then had a social worker call me telling me that the grandmother is requesting to see the baby! after everything I’ve been through she’s now trying to get social on my back ! Luckily Social was on my side and said it’s my decision and felt Remorse about everything I’ve been through regarding my daughters dad. Aibu for not wanting my baby around my abusive ex’s mother ? I don’t trust her at all! She was making it sound as if it was my fault for her son breaking into my house and assaulting me !

OP posts:
slipperywhensparticus · 27/12/2020 13:37

And breathe! Be calm if social call again simply state your not comfortable having her around your child as she is very much blaming you for her son attacking you

marmitepasta · 27/12/2020 13:38

You are not being unreasonable at all. I'm so sorry you've been through this.
If your ex's mum was being supportive of you and acknowledging that her son was abusive, then you could let her see your daughter. It's not the case unfortunately.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/12/2020 13:38

YANBU under these circumstances. If she genuinely wanted to see her grandchild and was disgusted at her son then I'd say YABU but since she's defending his behaviour I wouldn't trust her, she might allow her son access to your daughter behind your back.

ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 27/12/2020 13:39

No way would that witch be near my child.

Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 27/12/2020 13:40

You have no obligation to this woman, her defense if her son after what he did to you is utterly disgusting. I’d cut all of them out of my life if I were you. I hope you’re doing ok

Overprotectivemamabear · 27/12/2020 13:41

@Waxonwaxoff0 she’s actually done this in the past too ! Pretended she was disgusted by his behaviour so I let her see my daughter. She then tried to persuade me to let abusive ex see daughter again and said he’s changed (he will never change sadly)

OP posts:
ohsuzannah · 27/12/2020 13:44

Block her so she can't get in touch again. You don't need her in your life!

PurpleMustang · 27/12/2020 13:45

If she had been disgusted at his behaviour and genuinely wanting to help then yes. But she is just his flying monkey trying to excuse his behaviour so no keep well away and hopefully they will all give up

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 27/12/2020 13:49

Id message: I do not wish to hear from you ever again. Any further contact from you will be reported to the police.

Cherrysoup · 27/12/2020 14:00

Block her, fgs!

Onadifferentuniverse · 27/12/2020 14:02

Neither of them would be anywhere near my child.

You can just imagine in the future her giving her precious son access and the damage it would cause.

Ask her to stop contacting you as you feel harassed.
If she continues after that you have something the police can work against.

CantBeAssed · 27/12/2020 14:03

Agree with @strictlyafemalefemale only get a solicitor to send letter.

DimidDavilby · 27/12/2020 14:06

No fuckin way. Block her, if she comes round don't answer. She has no rights!

Overprotectivemamabear · 27/12/2020 14:06

She’s very manipulative and conniving just like her son. Probably even worse. In the past she would stick up for me and agree that her son should not see the daughter until he gets help in his behaviour and then next minute she’s trying to convince me to let him see daughter ! Especially at a time I was feeling so low she was trying to use it as her advantage and if u disagree she goes to social services and lies and said I’ve been letting her son see daughter (social said ex is not aloud near me nor daughter) I don’t think neither will stop tormenting me. I’m thinking of moving too

OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 27/12/2020 14:08

I think sending a message I’d appropriate too, and clear.

‘Hi x, I’m sending you this in a message to make it completely clear.
Your son assaulted me and is facing the consequences of that behaviour, that is not my fault.
Your behaviour towards me has also been awful, blaming me is not appropriate. You should be ashamed of how your son has treated me.
For this reason I will not be allowing you contact with (daughters name) as I cannot trust that your contact would be appropriate if you consider abusive behaviour the fault of the victim.

Your constant contact is leaving me feeling harassed. I do not want to hear from you again. Any further calls or messages or efforts to contact me and I will contact the police.’

Anothermother3 · 27/12/2020 14:09

Moving sounds a good idea. I’m sorry you’ve had such an awful time. Have you contacted Women’s Aid/local support?

Onadifferentuniverse · 27/12/2020 14:10

Op you need to send her a very clear message to not contact you again.
This will help if she continues to harass you and you have proof she hasn’t stopped after you asked.

Overprotectivemamabear · 27/12/2020 14:12

@Onadifferentuniverse Thankyou so much ! That really helped a lot, Yes I will be using that and sending it over to her !

OP posts:
Onadifferentuniverse · 27/12/2020 14:13

Everything else is irrelevant atm. Focus on stopping them from contacting you and getting yourself moved and safe. Is this something social services can help with?

You’re not safe there really. They sound unhinged

Notthe9oclocknewsathon · 27/12/2020 14:13

Honestly these men don’t come from nowhere. He clearly learnt it all from mummy dearest.
Move house, change your number and do not have any contact. Get your new house marked by the police and ask your local domestic abuse charity if they can provide any home alarms.

Overprotectivemamabear · 27/12/2020 14:14

@Anothermother3 I have and they encouraged to help me move! Hopefully once I move and change my number this will be the last of it, I doubt he will come out and take me to court over contact. He’s really lazy and I doubt he cares about daughter, he just wants to make my life a misery

OP posts:
LoveMyKidsAndCats · 27/12/2020 14:15

Yanbu. Atall. Don't engage with the mother she will cause you nothing but stress. You and your daughter now and you need to be safe.

SeasonFinale · 27/12/2020 14:15

Stay strong! Sorry to hear all that you have been through. The above message is a good one to send I think. Repeat it if necessary

AliceMcK · 27/12/2020 14:19

I’d definitely move and get away from both of them. I don’t fully understand restraining orders but could you get one against her for harassment if she keeps contacting you.

I wouldn’t trust her for 1 minuet to see my child.

Mustbe3ormorecharacters · 27/12/2020 14:34

Yanbu

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