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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would you judge this?

33 replies

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 27/12/2020 11:40

Your DH/DW/SO stayed up until after 4am playing a computer game.

(They don't disturb you and were owed a lie in anyway so no more of a late start than usual.)

YABU - seems fine, what they do with their own time is up to them
YANBU - it's too long.

Any questions answered!

OP posts:

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 27/12/2020 11:41

3x a week.... not normal...
Once every month/every other month- meh same as staying up watching a box set I guess.

Shoxfordian · 27/12/2020 11:44

Why does it bother you?

Fatladyslim · 27/12/2020 11:45

Wouldn't bother me at all, what's the issue?

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2020 11:45

Would depend on the frequency.

Every now and then, fine. Multiple times a week, not fine. Selfish, lame and self-limiting if done to excess.

PlanDeRaccordement · 27/12/2020 11:45

Ok for new Christmas game. Not ok if every week.

DDiva · 27/12/2020 11:45

On the odd occasion no problem. If it starts affecting daily life def not ok.

Tenyearsgone · 27/12/2020 11:46

I wouldn't judge it, no. I stayed up stupidly late last night watching TV.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 11:47

If they're not getting up any later than they would have anyway, I can't see a problem at all.

SuperbGorgonzola · 27/12/2020 11:47

I wouldn't have a problem with it as an occasional thing, and it wasn't impacting on anything the next day.

SchrodingersImmigrant · 27/12/2020 11:48

Well if they are not worse for wear next day, why not. Even if it's more than once a month or so. Doesn't really matter what one does in their free time if it doesn't affect others/work/family

Tingalingtortoise · 27/12/2020 11:48

As a one off, fine. As a regularly thing, no way would I be happy about it.

AnyOldPrion · 27/12/2020 11:48

Are you the DW in question? If you didn’t disturb him, how does he know?

N.B. Question can be rephrased depending on whether you are the DW or not. But fundamentally, if there was no direct effect on the other person, then why are they complaining? Have you tried asking what effect it had?

goodwinter · 27/12/2020 11:48

Basically someone had a late night. Who cares?

IamTomHanks · 27/12/2020 11:50

DH does it every 4 or 5 months or so when he gets a new computer game. Doesn't bother me.

Plussizejumpsuit · 27/12/2020 11:50

Wouldn't bother me. But do they have things to do today which they can't because they're knackered? Eg work, kids, house stuff.

If they did it repeatedly I wouldn't be keen as they would be on a different schedule to me. Eg sleeping 4am to 12pm

NoSquirrels · 27/12/2020 11:50

One adult in a relationship had a late night and then a pretty-agreed lie-in. And you want to know if that’s unreasonable?

No. It is not unreasonable.

Lipz · 27/12/2020 11:55

Tbh I HATE when an adult dictates a bed time to another adult. That is something parents do, we all had our parents telling us to go to bed, we had years of having a bed time, when we become adults it's up to us how late we stay up. If someone wants to stay up all night so be it, they're an adult.

Many years ago I was staying with my sil and we were binge watching something on Netflix and I said let's watch another episode and she looked panicked, she closed all the doors, turned down the volume and I thought it was not too disturb others sleeping but half an hour later her dh came down shouting it was 3am and to get to bed!!

Whatever someone is doing, if it doesn't disturb anyone else I don't care what time they go to bed. It's a bit controlling dishing out bedtimes to adults.

Original poster

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 27/12/2020 11:55

I can't easily explain what the issue is.
I am probably being an intellectual snob because if he was reading books I'd still be surprised but I wouldn't feel as annoyed about it.

Perhaps it's symptomatic of other problems. He allows me time to do my own hobbies but I guess (outside of work time, in his free time) he has a lot more time to himself, does less round the house and less childcare.
He overeats then moans about being overweight. He tells me he doesn't have time to do other things he wants, then goes on his computer and gets sucked in.
He can't concentrate at work, often browsing the web and reading news sites etc, and then moans about being behind at work.

It's not once a year but it's not every week. We go in phases, he'll get into a game and play it a lot for a few weeks then bore himself with it, and not play it for a few months or so. It's usually minecraft but he is playing a different game right now.
The last time it was this late was probably in the last ten days/two weeks. Most nights it is at least 1am. I've never heard him come up to bed before midnight in the last year?

OP posts:

Original poster

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 27/12/2020 11:58

And I never tell him what his bedtime is! Or tell him off when it was a late one! This morning I just said 'fuck!' in surprise and we carried on the rest of our conversation.

We're in good moods and I'm not sulking or being rude to him about it, at all!
Just trying to process why I feel like this, in my head.

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2020 12:01

This is classic avoidance on your part OP.

You're focusing on his game playing when clearly the real issue is....

He allows me time to do my own hobbies but I guess (outside of work time, in his free time) he has a lot more time to himself, does less round the house and less childcare.
He overeats then moans about being overweight. He tells me he doesn't have time to do other things he wants, then goes on his computer and gets sucked in.
He can't concentrate at work, often browsing the web and reading news sites etc, and then moans about being behind at work.

Forget the irregular late night game playing and focus on that ^^

thepeopleversuswork · 27/12/2020 12:02

I can kind of relate to that OP. I don't have a problem with gaming intrinsically but I do think its kind of lame when its someone's only hobby and when its the only thing they do to relax.

Its not so much that he's being unreasonable in itself, its whether you're compatible.

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/12/2020 12:05

I would bet a large sum of money on the OP being nowhere near the full story, because if both parties think it’s fine then asking on MN wouldn’t even cross anyone’s mind. I bet the following is happening.

The OP has stayed up until gone 4 but they aren’t telling us the extent to which it has been disruptive to their partner. They probably do it regularly and it probably causes significant stress, upset and extra work to their partner. They are seeking validation on MN because they’re getting grief for their behaviour, and they may even be planning to show their other half this thread in order to gaslight them out of their anger.

Original poster

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 27/12/2020 12:09

How much do you bet and can I have my money please?!

OP posts:

Whatisthisfuckery · 27/12/2020 12:10

OK I didn’t read the thread. It’s what I said but the other way around. Like I said, nobody asks unless there’s an instinct to check whether it’s ok or not, or a desire to validate one’s own choices.

The OPs situation was going t be option 2, but on balance I thought it was less likely. I was wrong, option 2. it is.

Santaisironingwrappingpaper · 27/12/2020 12:16

In my previous marriage there were 3 of us. Me, him, and a x box. Not healthy... Ruined many occasions by being too tired /rushing the day away so he could play. Including my 40th party...
Ultimately I can't grasp why anyone living a busy adult life can be arsed /have time to game.
Just my opinion..

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